Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 20:58:43 GMT
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andy
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Post by andy on Dec 9, 2018 19:04:31 GMT
Sorry to see OP disabled their account as I would love to discuss RA through an attachment lens!
I love the aspect of RA about questioning the deprioritizing of friendships and non-romantic connections. I strongly believe that friendship is not lesser to romantic love and am grateful to have intimate friends who share this belief. I do think it can take some of the pressure out of the search for romantic love. And for an anxious type, it can be very healthy to challenge the hype and cultural baggage around the idea of The One (a very unhelpful idea imho).
There are aspects of RA that resonate for me less. To me the emphasis on not compromising and allowing relationships to transform over time takes away from the loyalty, longevity and commitment that I seek in my close relationships, not just romantic ones. As an AP I think it is important for me not to give up on things that are really important to me in relationships just because they are kind of uncool or frowned upon in RA circles. Seeking loyalty and commitment is totally valid and I want to keep affirming that to myself.
I also don't think that cultivating multiple loving relationships of different kinds takes away from the potential for heartbreak. I believe in loving deeply and with vulnerability and believe in accepting the potential for heartbreak as part of the human condition and a big part of our aliveness. I think that if there's no potential for heartbreak or at least grief of some kind, there's probably a holding back of bonding and intimacy.
I am in a long-term non-monogamous and quite unconventional relationship, so these are ideas I've encountered and really thought through. Some of it works for me, some of it doesn't. If OP comes back to the forum and wants to discuss this further, please feel free to PM.
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hannah
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Post by hannah on Dec 12, 2018 13:40:22 GMT
Hi there! Glad to see that there are other people interested on thinking about relationships outside the monogamous box. So do I! There are aspects of RA that resonate for me less. To me the emphasis on not compromising and allowing relationships to transform over time takes away from the loyalty, longevity and commitment that I seek in my close relationships, not just romantic ones. I don't think there is an unanimity about this point on the RA sphere. Me and many others criticize this approch of relationships (I mean "the emphasis on not compromising and allowing relationships to transform over time") and I think that there are many people who claims they are RA just as an excuse for not being able to commit with anyone and not taking responsability for their behaviors in regard to others. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Dec 12, 2018 16:38:33 GMT
Yes, likewise, hannah - nice to meet another person here who is not necessarily working within a non-monogamous framework. That's been me for almost six years now. I agree with you about the different approaches to RA that are out there. My partner and I (currently I have just the one partner) attended an RA discussion group in our city, and we both came away with a bit of a bad taste in our mouths about what struck us as a devaluation of working hard to do what's best for a relationship and another person (and ultimately maybe for yourself too) when things stop being fun and effortless. This was based on comments by a handful of (vocal) participants. I just revisited the original Relationship Anarchy Manifesto by Andie Nordgren, and it looks like there's a new English translation/adaptation (new to me - I last read this in 2016 or so): log.andie.se/post/26652940513/the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationshipThe language around not seeking compromise is greatly toned down from what I remember. I can certainly get on board with not seeking compromise in every situation - and in fact, that principle could probably save a lot of anxious types from the self-harming contortions they might attempt when trying to save a shakey relationship (I've been there). Anxious types will probably need to be cautious in how they interpret the bit about allowing and quickly forgiving withdrawals from the relationship. I do like the caveat about watching out that one's boundaries and values are not being crossed (can't remember the wording). Despite what I said earlier, I think there's value in the idea that relationships are allowed to transform over time. Relationships are actually likely to last longer when they don't have to come to a catastrophic end when certain aspects aren't working out (only when healthy and feasible for all involved). Just last night I was making muffins to put in my friend's freezer who is out of the country going through a family crisis, and I've been texting her daily which she says is helping to keep her going... and she and I were in a romantic relationship of over a year that ended way back in 2014. Now I think our relationship has deepened into a family category thing - it is actually more intimate and far more stable than when we were a couple. I really think it will be a lifelong significant relationship. It was hard at first for both of us to make the transformation. It took over a year to get into uncomplicated friends territory, and now look at us! My friendship with my more recent ex is more of a work in progress still (and is what brought me to the boards), but it too is growing in comfort and stability. We couldn't make our anxious/avoidant dynamic work within a romantic framework, but she has been a highly responsive and consistent friend to me. There's some residual emotional messiness on my end, but I'm clear that I'm not suffering as a result of the friendship, and I'm grateful for the connection. There is a good chance that it could last many years as well - and I very much doubt our romantic relationship could have. May I ask what makes you interested in non-monogamy and how you see it interacting with attachment styles? |
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