|
|
Post by AnonymousDA on Nov 18, 2018 16:53:19 GMT
To future DAs that dare to venture onto this forum, a note of caution:
This support forum has some valuable information and I hope you can gain some insight of those that dared to wade in these waters before you got here. The space was created as a request by a DA trying to get some measure of support and I thank Jeb for allowing this safe space to be here. Outside of the support forum, the water is not so warm.
DAs are outnumbered here. I don't know at this point if there are any left posting on this forum at all anymore and with good reason.
You will be asked over and over for advice about how to deal with their "ex DA" in their hopes for a glimpse into the DA mind. You will try to give them answers from your perspective to be helpful, but then have to defend yourself over and over. DAs are not welcome here. That is clear. No one here will be mindful of your feelings, no one will understand that you have been through trauma in your life and if you misstep once on here, you will be painted as the threat.
There is no benefit of the doubt on here for a DA. There are threads and threads of complaints about "ex DAs". It doesn't matter if their ex is a DA or not. Anyone who wanted a casual relationship is a "DA", anyone who ghosted them after a couple months is a "DA", anyone who didn't call them back after 2 dates is a "DA", anyone who love bombed them is a "DA", anyone who resisted a relationship is a "DA". Don't take these threads to heart. There are many other reasons other than "they are DA". I know DAs have a tough exterior, that most people cannot see through. If they don't see, they will not be mindful of your feelings and that is abundantly clear here.
I know what's in the heart of a DA. The DA heart is soft, strong, sensitive, helpful, loyal, unselfish, understanding and caring. You want a love that is freely given. You want a love that is unselfish and not needy. You want a love that is understanding. You want a love that is respectful of your feelings. You want a love that is loyal. Few people will know what's in the heart of a DA, because they can't see beyond the surface.
I know that you are hurting. I know that the trauma has effected you tremendously. I know you need to guard your heart. When you find that person that you can uncover your heart for, you will know. It will be a love that will be watered, allowed to grow at your own pace, without fear, without protest, without filling someone else's emotional space. If you feel the need to pull away, ask yourself, is this love that is given freely? Don't doubt the need to pull away. It's s a sign that it's not safe. The love that is free will open your heart and you will feel safe, this I know now. The one who gains the heart of a DA will know the beauty of it.
|
|
|
|
Post by AlsoAvoidant on Nov 18, 2018 17:18:48 GMT
"DAs are outnumbered here."
Now the true story: there was a case of bulling here, some members stood up for themselves, now this person is trying to make it look as if it was a gang war between the AP members and the DA members. Members who left weren't AP. This is "to be continued" of gaslighting.
" The DA heart is soft, strong, sensitive, helpful, loyal, unselfish, understanding and caring." you're talking about 23% of population and you can vouch for them because you know each of them.
Yes, people come here to ask for advice because most of them are confused. Give them you perspective but don't tell them what they should do.
Yes, some people come here after they felt mistreated or hurt and have a lot of mixed emotions.
No, you shouldn't take it personal, you aren't their ex, you're an individual, not your attachment style. You aren't the aim of their eventual anger or frustration. They're grieving and they want to understand.
No, your attachment style doesn't determine what kind of person you are.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past.
|
|
|
|
Post by AnonymousDA on Nov 18, 2018 18:00:10 GMT
Well it's clear that this space will not be respected either.
|
|
|
|
Post by ALSOAvoidant on Nov 18, 2018 18:04:43 GMT
My apologies, I forgot THE rules.
Carry on.
|
|
|
|
Post by richard on Nov 18, 2018 18:17:31 GMT
I have been reading this forum for a few months.
My observation is that a pattern repeats here, pretty consistently.
AP or FA or whatever types come here with inquires on their partner or ex-partner who is suspected to be DA.
DA posters offer frank and sometimes hard hitting perspectives, and I have seen no malice whatsoever in their honest approach.
Initially, the inquiring poster demonstrates some defensiveness.
However, the DA posters continue to engage without apology, and I applaud that. They continue to make themselves available to a dialog when they could just drop a bomb and leave.
But the intention becomes clear over time, and tends to be ultimately appreciated by the original poster.
They come to appreciate the candor and continued dialog. The DA posters exhibit support for the original poster in their own journey of awareness.
Then, the peanut gallery of triggered AP and FA posters cry "Abuse! Bullying! Manipulation!"
Its classic, the classic AP response to a DA.
And, I do see that DA posters endure continuous misunderstanding and hostility. Yet they participate, without whining too much. They just keep going through the cycle and also work on their own issues.
Of course they are going to react eventually. If I were a DA posting here i would stick to the support forum set up for them. However, AP posters always feel free to go there too. You won't see a DA poster encroaching on the AP support forum, as a rule. in the DA forum it's much more common. And pretty unquestioned.
And then all these Anonymous posters pathologizing DA's over it all. It's typical AP behavior in my opinion. It's a pattern here. Stand back and go through the threads.
To future DA's- keep it moving. You are only welcome here for how you can serve the curiosity of AP's who want to focus on their partners failings and fail to see their own.
From an outsider's view, it's ridiculous.
|
|
|
|
Post by christie on Nov 18, 2018 18:31:01 GMT
(check if you changed your style of posting thoroughly, you can't edit now, juniper)
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Nov 19, 2018 9:46:55 GMT
If I were a DA posting here i would stick to the support forum set up for them. However, AP posters always feel free to go there too. You won't see a DA poster encroaching on the AP support forum, as a rule. in the DA forum it's much more common. And pretty unquestioned. If future DA are in need of help or advice I will continue to be present in the DA support forum and hopefully it can be used as such. That means the DA support forum is for DA to heal and not for others to ask questions, especially about their ex. This ensures DA's have a place where we are not outnumbered. Perhaps we can be a bit more diligent in reporting encroachment to Jeb. If that does not work, new DA looking to heal are free to ask me to add them to a private forum. This forum has been valuable for me in my healing process, and I do value resources being available to future DAs. Healing is posssible, towards secure attachment and beyond. Good, safe and satisfying relationships are possible for DAs with healing, whether in a traditional form or with a bit more alone time than is average. Keep in mind that for all types, working on this forum is only really helpful in addition to therapy, learning by reading books and having regular practice in place to work on your own issues. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹 A dozen roses for all who rise! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2018 14:02:26 GMT
This "them and us"-ness of the contrasting styles is exhaustive and I feel somewhat disturbed that it's gotten this bad. As an FA, I feel shamed and stung to read some of the generalisations, and I know it must feel exactly the same for a DA when APs pathologise them too.
There is unmistakeable value in both the differing styles coming together to have the dialogue we weren't able to in similar dynamics out in the "real world" - I respect and admire the DA frankness; something that I habitually disowned in myself. We are each other's shadow sides, and whilst there is hostility, there is admiration too to see the DAs holding their own unapologetically. I burn to own that within myself. I appreciate too that it isn't as difficult to be here and participate for the styles that crave connection, than it is for the styles that do not.
So for that, I want to say thank you, to any DA that has left, or any DA that arrives, I appreciate the kernels of wisdom that you offer that have never felt available to me.
Posters like Juniper and Mary have opened my eyes a lot over the course of looking at this forum, and I have not come across many DAs irl who felt able to share their internal processes so eloquently and quaintly, and at times, bravely blunt. I for one am saddened by the loss of any self aware poster to the forum, because that was what gave this forum something special - something we often lack too - which is rawness and honesty from people who are unapologetically themselves.
I came here for honest dialogue, and I am sad to see people leave because others do not feel safe with all shades of that - it dilutes something.
The thing is, what is honest might not always be kind, and as an AP leaner, sometimes the stuff I read suuuhhhcks and I hate it, but it bursts my fantasy bubble, which is moving me closer to secure. I have seen and felt DAs here be honest without compromising their generosity to me. I have appreciated that so much.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2018 14:18:16 GMT
To future DA's- keep it moving. You are only welcome here for how you can serve the curiosity of AP's who want to focus on their partners failings and fail to see their own.Is this true? I also see evidence of the contrary, and often. I see a lot of championing of DAs on the threads, maybe even some idealisation going on at times too. I also see many people working on their own processes as well as expressing partners' failings too. From my perspective, you are welcome here because you're going through your own process, and I mean, we might take interest in what DAs say and apply that to our situations, but I also agree that any AP that uses a DA to get "the dirt" on their own relationship is overstepping a boundary, and I didn't know that was happening in the DA forums. I wonder if Jeb can be contacted to ask for APs not to ask for advice on the DA sections |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Nov 19, 2018 14:52:53 GMT
To future DA's- keep it moving. You are only welcome here for how you can serve the curiosity of AP's who want to focus on their partners failings and fail to see their own.Is this true? I also see evidence of the contrary, and often. I see a lot of championing of DAs on the threads, maybe even some idealisation going on at times too. I also see many people working on their own processes as well as expressing partners' failings too. From my perspective, you are welcome here because you're going through your own process, and I mean, we might take interest in what DAs say and apply that to our situations, but I also agree that any AP that uses a DA to get "the dirt" on their own relationship is overstepping a boundary, and I didn't know that was happening in the DA forums. I wonder if Jeb can be contacted to ask for APs not to ask for advice on the DA sections It is a facet of the truth. Most AP's do not go into the DA support forums and some are quite welcoming of DA. However, some AP did come into the support forums not to support a DA, but to use a DA's healing thread to ask about their ex. Even coming in to ask if their ex may have also dealt with the issue the DAs are working on, it disrupts the container of calm we otherwise have to work on our issues. I do understand some AP really want/crave some advice, and once the DA general forum is too hostile for many DAs to visit it they notice they are no longer getting replies. Most people do not feel entitled to advice and replies but some do. Sometimes people open topics asking why they are not getting replies, others notice the remaining DAs are in the support forum and cross the boundary to get what they feel they need. It is a pattern that has played out a few times. But let us report to Jeb if and when it happens again. Keep in mind that DA are under no obligation to post here, meet others needs, provide advice or tell people what they want to hear. Nor is anyone else. This is a voluntary interaction and posters can come and go as they please. I think some realise this and champion DAs on the public forum, perhaps in hopes we will stick around. If any DA do not enjoy the experience on the public forums or are not available to a particular AP, it is best to accept that one does not have access to that DA or any of the DA posters. Many do accept this and rely on therapy to meet urgent needs, just not all. |
|
|
|
Post by mary on Nov 19, 2018 16:29:00 GMT
Well said goldilocks. Even this thread has been encroached upon by those not supportive (Christie and ALSO) but to push their own agenda.
This however is not why I left. People will push/overstep boundaries in real life and on this forum. That's part of who some people are and I accept that.
But when someone says that I started a thread to "deliberately" harm another, that's a hard line for me. I deleted the post, but I posted it because I didn't like the condescending tone I saw in some other posts in regards to the AP style (APs are not fragile children thread). People may disagree with what I posted, but to say that a "DA" set up the thread and that I did it to deliberately harm, that crosses a line for me. People can say don't take it personally, but when I am accused of that, that is personal and damaging. I don't think it has anything to do with AP or DA, as I don't even know the style of the poster.
I hope this support forum becomes a safe space for all who need it. This forum has been enlightening and at times, frustrating. There are good people here trying to find their way. Right now, I need to focus on the good that has come into my life. Perhaps, I will be back to this forum at a later date, perhaps not. I wish all you DAs and future DAs the very best.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2018 19:41:24 GMT
Well said goldilocks. Even this thread has been encroached upon by those not supportive (Christie and ALSO) but to push their own agenda. This however is not why I left. People will push/overstep boundaries in real life and on this forum. That's part of who some people are and I accept that. But when someone says that I started a thread to "deliberately" harm another, that's a hard line for me. I deleted the post, but I posted it because I didn't like the condescending tone I saw in some other posts in regards to the AP style (APs are not fragile children thread). People may disagree with what I posted, but to say that a "DA" set up the thread and that I did it to deliberately harm, that crosses a line for me. People can say don't take it personally, but when I am accused of that, that is personal and damaging. I don't think it has anything to do with AP or DA, as I don't even know the style of the poster. I hope this support forum becomes a safe space for all who need it. This forum has been enlightening and at times, frustrating. There are good people here trying to find their way. Right now, I need to focus on the good that has come into my life. Perhaps, I will be back to this forum at a later date, perhaps not. I wish all you DAs and future DAs the very best. I'm sorry Mary but how could starting a thread like that at that time considering all that was going on not seem anything but hurtful to the anxious preoccupied. Yourself and juniper where happy to go back and fourth with your comments regarding the behaviour of the ap. You might have lots of valid points but to put all AP's in the same bag was very hurtful. I am sorry Mary as I gen |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2018 19:41:46 GMT
Well said goldilocks. Even this thread has been encroached upon by those not supportive (Christie and ALSO) but to push their own agenda. This however is not why I left. People will push/overstep boundaries in real life and on this forum. That's part of who some people are and I accept that. But when someone says that I started a thread to "deliberately" harm another, that's a hard line for me. I deleted the post, but I posted it because I didn't like the condescending tone I saw in some other posts in regards to the AP style (APs are not fragile children thread). People may disagree with what I posted, but to say that a "DA" set up the thread and that I did it to deliberately harm, that crosses a line for me. People can say don't take it personally, but when I am accused of that, that is personal and damaging. I don't think it has anything to do with AP or DA, as I don't even know the style of the poster. I hope this support forum becomes a safe space for all who need it. This forum has been enlightening and at times, frustrating. There are good people here trying to find their way. Right now, I need to focus on the good that has come into my life. Perhaps, I will be back to this forum at a later date, perhaps not. I wish all you DAs and future DAs the very best. I'm sorry Mary but how could starting a thread like that at that time considering all that was going on not seem anything but hurtful to the anxious preoccupied. Yourself and juniper where happy to go back and fourth with your comments regarding the behaviour of the ap. You might have lots of valid points but to put all AP's in the same bag was very hurtful. I am sorry Mary as I generally mean you no harm x |
|
|
|
Post by mary on Nov 19, 2018 20:02:48 GMT
helsbells, Where did I say anything about AP? You can read all my comments on that thread as well as the original post as someone quoted it. It's all still there. The thread was started as a response to Lizzie's thread in AP support. After the great voice debate, she took it as an opportunity to try to make the style divide wider, saying that DAs are poison. She has a right to her opinion, but I thought the voice debate was an opportunity to see how the styles could work together and at the end of the day, have a heated argument, but everyone still had a voice.
Lizzie was putting forth the idea that APs needed to be shielded from those interactions and I disagreed. I won't post in AP support, so I started my own thread.
After I started my thread, rockgirl started her own. People used my thread to comment about rockgirl's thread as they thought it was relevant. I commented back as to my opinion, but the original post was not about rockgirl. She chose to leave and that is her choice. If you look at the times the threads were started, you will see what I mean.
Saying that I started the thread to deliberately harm others is completely unfounded and assassination of my character plus YOU made it about me being DA. I said nothing disrespectful about APs in my thread. Go back and look. I have over 500 posts and if I was here to deliberately harm, I probably would have been kicked long ago.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2018 20:11:24 GMT
I'm getting confused as I don't know who Lizzie is. I wondering if we are talking about the same thread. Knowing me I've got the wrong thread.
All said and done,I can only take responsibility for myself and the part I played and would like to apologize to you Mary and wish you well x
|
|
