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Post by ocarina on Nov 21, 2018 0:18:10 GMT
I think that a firm boundary comes with the understanding that you are not responsible for others reactions to your boundary setting - in other words how your sisters react is their stuff - not to be taken personally or believed as such - it's simply their reality. Your business is only to draw the line - and then to keep it drawn and strong and allowing everyone else to just do their thing without becoming enmeshed or reactive.
It sounds as though you're being hard on yourself - everyone could always do better - but in the moment you did the best you could and that's a great job! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 21, 2018 0:45:07 GMT
I agree you did great. I think it's just not possible to always phrase things in some perfect ideal manner--we do the best we can at the time, and that's okay. I hope when they're feeling less defensive your sisters will respect your boundaries to a greater degree.
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lilos
Full Member
Posts: 144
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Post by lilos on Nov 21, 2018 2:00:28 GMT
I do have a tendency to be hard on myself, to want to do it “the right way” to see what was “wrong” with how I did it. To see the things I am not seeing about myself and how I could communicate better. I think I’m just trying to grow and recognize that I can learn from these things if I look at them. Life isn’t a basic science like I want it to be (x input gives y output) but sometimes it does feel like if I just performed better the message I wanted would be able to be received.
I am not talking to a wall here though- I can’t control their perception- mostly I think it’s fixed anyway. I have been trying to just find my own values and stick to them. Part of that for me is recognizing that this kind of stuff- laughing off past behaviors both of theirs and my own is a way to brush them off as insignificant. And for me, that may have contributed to not recognizing the damages done by my behaviors. Because they were just funny stories now..... not things I did that affected others. Or, as my sister so commonly tell me- was their problem not mine. Which is so misguided and I can’t continue to see it that way anymore. They, however, do. And sometimes I question If they are right. Like I am just too serious and too sensitive. I know that’s not true but in the moment.... sometimes they get me doubting myself. THATS my real problem.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 22, 2018 0:07:54 GMT
I did some reflection on my responses, saw how they could be misread and went back in with some vulnerability from a place of strength. I said I was working on myself, that I used jokes about my past to reduce the significance of things and to avoid accountability. That is my behavior not theirs and I was sorry if what I said suggested they were wrong or bad. Just that i don’t like it for me and that in the future I would prefer to not be involved in that because it doesn’t benefit me. And if I do it sometime, because sometimes I do fall back into old behaviors to please call me out on it as I am working to change. One sister received it well and appreciated my work to grow and change. My other sister however lashed out pretty hard. But I came from a place of strength and was able to tell her I was sorry for any pain I have caused her and that I loved her. I told her I wouldn’t do this in texts but if she ever wants an honest conversation I am open to trying. She lashed out more and more and basically said never to sitting down with me. I simply said she could let me know if she ever changed her mind. It didn’t go great overall but it feels good to me because I can really stand by what I said and where it came from. There was no finger pointing from me, no trying to be better or right- just honest and more clear. “I don’t want to be involved and this is why so please respect that because it’s bad for me.” For the ways my sister took it as me “trying to be better than her”- that is her lens and I am not trying to fix her lens just to keep going on my progress. It was also helpful to me to really see that she’s hurting and struggling to deal with that and the lashing out at me isn’t about me. It’s at me- but it’s not about me. And that I can even see and feel that is, to me, a real sign of my own progress. Compassion is such a gift- to be able to see and understand her pain and wish her relief is very healing to me. Sounds like you did everything you could to be sensitive and bridge the gap between your sisters and you....ashame one didn’t receive it well at all but you did a wonderful job at establishing your boundary, not attacking them and communicating that it’s about you and your growth. They can support or reject but you drew the line and didn’t get dragged down by them so that’s a good thing! Keep doing what you’re doing and maybe one day your one sister will be more open. If not, surround yourself with supportive people as much as possible and limit contact....onward and upward! (Hopefully Thanksgiving dinner won’t be bad if it’s shared!!) |
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