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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 21, 2018 0:56:13 GMT
Sometimes I find it really difficult to accept not knowing another person's side of things. It's like I have this longing to sit at a table and talk about it, at least enough to move on or provide closure, or to get enough of a deeper understanding to stop wondering their side of things.... But sometimes that is impractical or impossible, or I've spun my wheels enough, gone no contact, etc.
I wonder if there's a way towards really accepting the "not knowing" not just intellectually but also emotionally, like to really be at peace with it.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 21, 2018 2:44:19 GMT
I find it difficult at times too. This past few days Ive had 'waves' of difficulty out of the blue. For me I accept we may never talk again and I keep going/I have to give myself closure. I know this deep down, the real reality. Doesn't make it easy... I have moved on in the past from things and I will move on from this. All of us have moved on from things. We got this. I know the reality even when Im stuck in those thoughts. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Thoughts! LOL Its hard as hell and Im not even AP, though my avoidant sure triggered that side! haha. I can only say time and keep doing you. You'll also meet someone new and secure so none of it will matter anymore. Thats some reality too, yours, mine or anyone here for that matter.  |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 21, 2018 3:51:26 GMT
I once told myself I would forget. More than 15 yr later we reconnected and all that stuff came back and I went after those unanswered questions. I had so many and I just felt like if he told me why I could get past it. And he told me- his version of it filtered through 15 years of memory and at first I felt relief. And then—- I didn’t. I was fixating on the story as a way to escape my pain- like if I just knew why I could understand and that would make things better for me. It did and it didn’t. What I was left with once I had the answers- was just the pain of loss. There wasn’t a problem to focus on anymore. My brain couldn’t try to find some meaning for why- I knew why. And he was still gone.
So now I focus on finding comfort with my discomfort and that my attempts to relieve my uncertainties is for the false sense of security it gives me. It's not real and it’s not actually solving any problems in the end. That helps me accept it intellectually. Emotionally- I work to accept that pain is a part of my reality and each time I allow myself to sit with it without trying to justify it or follow a story associated with it- I get past it a little easier.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 21, 2018 11:47:07 GMT
I think our brains want to know and searches for patterns/answers...but I have found that knowing does not bring peace or closure for me....but that is just me.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 22, 2018 1:07:10 GMT
I once told myself I would forget. More than 15 yr later we reconnected and all that stuff came back and I went after those unanswered questions. I had so many and I just felt like if he told me why I could get past it. And he told me- his version of it filtered through 15 years of memory and at first I felt relief. And then—- I didn’t. I was fixating on the story as a way to escape my pain- like if I just knew why I could understand and that would make things better for me. It did and it didn’t. What I was left with once I had the answers- was just the pain of loss. There wasn’t a problem to focus on anymore. My brain couldn’t try to find some meaning for why- I knew why. And he was still gone. So now I focus on finding comfort with my discomfort and that my attempts to relieve my uncertainties is for the false sense of security it gives me. It's not real and it’s not actually solving any problems in the end. That helps me accept it intellectually. Emotionally- I work to accept that pain is a part of my reality and each time I allow myself to sit with it without trying to justify it or follow a story associated with it- I get past it a little easier. ...good points here. Thanks. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 22, 2018 1:08:52 GMT
I think our brains want to know and searches for patterns/answers...but I have found that knowing does not bring peace or closure for me....but that is just me. You're right, I'm probably deluding myself in thinking it would give me closure... |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2018 2:23:26 GMT
i once did too. I thought if we understood the reasons and the mechanisms, we can somehow find a way to break it and fix things.
well, for one, it assumes that someone WANTS to do fix things. for two, having a story makes you feel like there is hope in the future "when/if things change". the fact is they DON"T want to or CAN"T tell you the story, so there is no story to tell. THAT is the story - I wanted something and he/she didn't want the same thing, and so there was no story between us".
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Post by blueunif on Nov 23, 2018 23:53:46 GMT
Sometimes I find it really difficult to accept not knowing another person's side of things. It's like I have this longing to sit at a table and talk about it, at least enough to move on or provide closure, or to get enough of a deeper understanding to stop wondering their side of things.... But sometimes that is impractical or impossible, or I've spun my wheels enough, gone no contact, etc. I wonder if there's a way towards really accepting the "not knowing" not just intellectually but also emotionally, like to really be at peace with it. Sometimes I manage to get some perspective when I step back, realising that there is nothing remotely like this happening in his world. It didn't even cross his mind today, let alone all week. Then I wake up to the fact that actually there's 'nothing' to know, & it's just my projections. That's what I need to give energy to, to ease it up for myself. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 24, 2018 1:13:01 GMT
Sometimes I manage to get some perspective when I step back, realising that there is nothing remotely like this happening in his world. It didn't even cross his mind today, let alone all week. Then I wake up to the fact that actually there's 'nothing' to know, & it's just my projections. That's what I need to give energy to, to ease it up for myself. Oh man this is true.... when i met with my ex-DA- this was before I knew a thing about attachment theory and kind of honestly thought everyone was like me in the way they hold onto ex’s - I asked him something in regards to times when he thought about me over the last 15+ years and he looked at me with a blank face and just kind of shrugged. I was shocked! Shocked! “You don’t think about me? Wow- I think about you.....”. Ick- that was a bad moment for me. Now I can mostly look on it as kind of fascinating how different we are but at the time- that was real real rough to hear. So this is something I don't get...I was talking to B about having physical and emotional feelings at the exact same time for a person, that I could ot separate the two and he said he must be like a woman because he can't separate them either...yet, he talks about missing me from a physical perspective....yet isn't hung up on me emotionally the way I am about him. It perplexed me....I did not ask him about it...but it honestly did not compute. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 24, 2018 1:20:05 GMT
Sometimes I find it really difficult to accept not knowing another person's side of things. It's like I have this longing to sit at a table and talk about it, at least enough to move on or provide closure, or to get enough of a deeper understanding to stop wondering their side of things.... But sometimes that is impractical or impossible, or I've spun my wheels enough, gone no contact, etc. I wonder if there's a way towards really accepting the "not knowing" not just intellectually but also emotionally, like to really be at peace with it. Sometimes I manage to get some perspective when I step back, realising that there is nothing remotely like this happening in his world. It didn't even cross his mind today, let alone all week. Then I wake up to the fact that actually there's 'nothing' to know, & it's just my projections. That's what I need to give energy to, to ease it up for myself. Ah but one doesn't KNOW this, right, see what I mean I mean surely there is SOME story they tell themselves, and what is that story?? It's hard to accept not knowing and likely never knowing. What if it's based on false assumptions? For me it's like-what if they think I care less than I care? I hate that thought. Or I go off on what ifs--what if they did send an email or letter I never got and they're spending eternity thinking I never wrote back while I spend eternity thinking they never wrote back. The potential irony!! Eventually I've realised even if that were true, in a functional relationship it wouldn't have ended there. And then, what if the stories we tell ourselves are based on false assumptions? |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 24, 2018 1:23:56 GMT
Sometimes I manage to get some perspective when I step back, realising that there is nothing remotely like this happening in his world. It didn't even cross his mind today, let alone all week. Then I wake up to the fact that actually there's 'nothing' to know, & it's just my projections. That's what I need to give energy to, to ease it up for myself. Oh man this is true.... when i met with my ex-DA- this was before I knew a thing about attachment theory and kind of honestly thought everyone was like me in the way they hold onto ex’s - I asked him something in regards to times when he thought about me over the last 15+ years and he looked at me with a blank face and just kind of shrugged. I was shocked! Shocked! “You don’t think about me? Wow- I think about you.....”. Ick- that was a bad moment for me. Now I can mostly look on it as kind of fascinating how different we are but at the time- that was real real rough to hear. It's funny. I get it in that I have exes and ex-once-important-friends I hardly think of and don't really care if we ever speak again. So I get the phenomenon. And then there's the opposite ones... |
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lilos
Full Member
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Post by lilos on Nov 24, 2018 1:54:30 GMT
Oh man this is true.... when i met with my ex-DA- this was before I knew a thing about attachment theory and kind of honestly thought everyone was like me in the way they hold onto ex’s - I asked him something in regards to times when he thought about me over the last 15+ years and he looked at me with a blank face and just kind of shrugged. I was shocked! Shocked! “You don’t think about me? Wow- I think about you.....”. Ick- that was a bad moment for me. Now I can mostly look on it as kind of fascinating how different we are but at the time- that was real real rough to hear. It's funny. I get it in that I have exes and ex-once-important-friends I hardly think of and don't really care if we ever speak again. So I get the phenomenon. And then there's the opposite ones... I get it too. I definitely have the same kind of range in people from my past. I guess there was some element of surprise that I could possibly be so easily forgotten when he wasn’t to me. He didn’t really forget me though- he actually seemed quite happy to hear from me- but he just didn’t assign the significance to me that I did to him. Which honestly makes sense to me on an intellectual level but it’s that emotional level that makes that a real reflection of my value. At one point he clearly had a lot of guilt over how he left, but I think maybe that was about him and how he viewed himself- It was never really about me or how he felt about me. |
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mel
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Post by mel on Nov 25, 2018 20:23:31 GMT
i once did too. I thought if we understood the reasons and the mechanisms, we can somehow find a way to break it and fix things. well, for one, it assumes that someone WANTS to do fix things. for two, having a story makes you feel like there is hope in the future "when/if things change". the fact is they DON"T want to or CAN"T tell you the story, so there is no story to tell. THAT is the story - I wanted something and he/she didn't want the same thing, and so there was no story between us". Wow! You're right on!! And yeah, the thought that--if only I knew what was wrong, I could fix it.... ...even though, he would never tell me what was wrong.... ...and what was probably wrong was me wanting him...and him not wanting me..... ......as you say, there IS no story..... Thank you.....good to remember |
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mel
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Post by mel on Nov 26, 2018 14:55:24 GMT
Leavethelighton:
your words: "get a deeper understanding to stop wondering their side of things"
I am trying to answer my wonderings with this thought: "who knows? who cares?"
Also I think with Avoidants their side of things is always going to have you as the 'bad guy' or 'crazy, emotional, needy'....
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 28, 2018 0:39:51 GMT
Well the friendship was once really important to me so...I care. But I have more and more days where I accept the situation and have mostly let go.
...at least...today |
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