birdy
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by birdy on Nov 26, 2018 0:27:01 GMT
I've been seeing a DA for 6 months. After a couple of months of enjoyable sex, he's now completely withdrawn from it unless I initiate it, in which case it goes well for him. He's got various deactivating tactics going on, but our emotional bond is growing steadily and I'm able to be around deactivation stuff without taking it personally. I'm used to a secure-secure connection, and have a secure network of friends too, so I am not dependent on him.
The exception is that I've become uncomfortable with initiating sex, even though I now know his sex withdrawal could be a deactivating tactic too. I'm used to frequent, intimate and good quality sex. I'm completely baffled by an emotionally developing and enjoyable relationship where sex has no meaningful part. I tried to talk about the fact this just isn't working for me and puts the relationship at risk, to which he said I should go off and sleep with other people to meet this need.
I have no idea how to handle this in a way which means both of us get our needs met to some degree. Has anyone got any advice? Tactics for seducing their avoidant partner without sending them running for the hills? And WTF am I to make of this suggestion that I just go off and sleep with a bunch of other guys instead?
Or, am I wise to pay attention to his withdrawal signals and reposition this "relationship" back to a friendship?
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Post by alexandra on Nov 26, 2018 0:52:17 GMT
birdy, I've had this happen with a couple FAs exes I've had unbelievably deep emotional connections with. Good sex to start, for up to six months, then physical withdrawal as the attachment continues to increase -- eventually followed by emotional deactivation tactics because of a fixation on "well, if I'm feeling less attracted than before she's not the one because I will be consistently always attracted to the one forever." Based on my experiences, the advice I'd give to anyone with a partner of any attachment style is: if the partner isn't willing to really sit down and talk openly about it, with a sincere goal of problem-solving and without a debilitating fear of having this conversation with all the intimacy and vulnerability it entails, walk away. Yes, it's a touchy topic, but a healthy relationship involves people maturely communicating to work through issues. The reason I suggest, make sure you've communicated clearly and without blame a couple times first and then walk is, if the issue has nothing to do with you, then there's nothing you can do to fix it. Only the partner can, if they're ready and willing. You cannot make your partner ready to do this, you can only state your feelings and needs and go from there. If you've done that, and given the person a little time and space to process if it wasn't an immediate "yes, let's fix this," and the person isn't seriously stepping up to meet you, they're not ready or they're not willing or they're not able and they need more time than you should be willing to give.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 26, 2018 12:21:01 GMT
Personally for me, this would make me want to walk away. When talking about it trying to fix it and this is the answer... "he said I should go off and sleep with other people to meet this need". This says to me I dont care to work on it so go do it with someone else. Ok then, see ya, wish you the best I need to do what is best for me. Triggered or not hes a grown man, attachment is not an excuse for BS. Sex/intimacy is important and if I cant have that along with all the other stuff, I have to let go. I had to let a FA/DA guy go recently...
Another ex of mine, we are both secure attached... I tried to talk to him and work things out but he just didn't so I had to end it. He didnt care at the time... he sure did when it was over but it was too late by then, I was in my own DA mode.(I have a bit of DA in me when it comes to needy/clingy people and checked out of a relationship, I was checked out, he stopped trying after I did over and over)
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Post by chipper on Nov 26, 2018 17:32:35 GMT
birdy , I've had this happen with a couple FAs exes I've had unbelievably deep emotional connections with. Good sex to start, for up to six months, then physical withdrawal as the attachment continues to increase -- eventually followed by emotional deactivation tactics because of a fixation on "well, if I'm feeling less attracted than before she's not the one because I will be consistently always attracted to the one forever." Based on my experiences, the advice I'd give to anyone with a partner of any attachment style is: if the partner isn't willing to really sit down and talk openly about it, with a sincere goal of problem-solving and without a debilitating fear of having this conversation with all the intimacy and vulnerability it entails, walk away. This is great advice. I can absolutely relate to the first paragraph. Good sex, then connection develops, sex slows/stops, then "I'm feeling less attracted, so I'm having doubts." He's got to be willing to work on the underlying attachment issue. Sex withdrawal is just a symptom. |
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Post by tinyrobotman on Dec 2, 2018 0:45:35 GMT
I think this is very common with DA's after the initial "chemistry" phase of the relationship has passed after 6 to 18 months. The initial burst of love chemicals early on pushes them past their fears of intimacy and then when that's gone they withdraw physical intimacy as a deactivating strategy. As alexandra said they believe that they will have self sustaining "chemistry" forever with "the one". Keeping the sexy times going requires actual emotional effort, vulnerability and frank communication. You know discussing "needs". Not things DA's excel at. He may very well be trying to transition things to a close friendship or "the friendzone". Those are much more comfortable places for the DA since they can get some emotional needs met and not feel trapped or have the total intimacy that comes with a complete relationship. My advice is you should run for the hills. Unless you're ok with being polyamourous you'll never get your needs met with this man.
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birdy
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by birdy on Feb 20, 2019 14:14:15 GMT
I think this is very common with DA's after the initial "chemistry" phase of the relationship has passed after 6 to 18 months. The initial burst of love chemicals early on pushes them past their fears of intimacy and then when that's gone they withdraw physical intimacy as a deactivating strategy. As alexandra said they believe that they will have self sustaining "chemistry" forever with "the one". Keeping the sexy times going requires actual emotional effort, vulnerability and frank communication. You know discussing "needs". Not things DA's excel at. He may very well be trying to transition things to a close friendship or "the friendzone". Those are much more comfortable places for the DA since they can get some emotional needs met and not feel trapped or have the total intimacy that comes with a complete relationship. My advice is you should run for the hills. Unless you're ok with being polyamourous you'll never get your needs met with this man. I want to thank those of you that were kind enough to reply to my original query. Such well written comments and really helpful in crystallising my thoughts. Just to update for anyone reading this later, as I combed these forums extensively in the autumn, I did choose to reposition it to a friendship. Interestingly, tinyrobotman, I did read about polyamory and think this might be a good description of my own way of connecting. I also concluded after climbing down off the ceiling that the person is fearful-avoidant rather than DA. I still have very frequent contact with him and we are enjoying doing things on a platonic basis. If I spend longer periods with him his withdrawal behaviours start up (criticism, negativity) but I am able to recognise this and just withdraw myself until he winds down. The friendship is more important and nurturing than the romance, for both of us. |
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