The FA that comes back after a breakup

 This somewhat mirrors my experience with my FA ex. We dated for a couple weeks and she tried to break it off(citing fear), only to ask to start over less than 24 hours later. We stayed together for 4 months at which point she suddenly ended it. She hovered around for a few weeks until I cut her off and went no contact...which she didn't like. We saw each other a few weeks later at a Christmas party and she was all over me. We started talking again pretty seriously for about a week and a half at which point she went cold and disappeared. I cut her off again and tried to move on. Learned about attachment Theory and read everything available. Got my\self a therapist and started doing the work on my own AP tendencies She started to hover when we were at the gym(crossfit...its where we met) and started with the "I miss you texts" but would play it cool and casual when confronted I asked her about them. Finally we got back together with her approaching me and apologizing for her behavior and saying that she treated me poorly and needed to go to therapy. She even scheduled a therapy session. However...it became apparent after about a month that nothing had changed and she didn't see much reason to work on anything. We lasted about 4 months again and then she ended it. This whole dance lasted a little over a year and I should've stepped away long before she ended things again. We have incredible chemistry and complement each other in so many ways. But the attachment triggers require two interested and committed parties to work around. And she just isn't there yet.

Moral of the story is that nothing changes until they (or both of you) put in the serious work that's required to root out and address your attachment wounds and their associated behaviors. My recommendation would be to move on with your life. She will likely be back at some point but waiting for her wont help your cause and wont teach you any new lessons. See her for who and what she is and accept that she may never be able to give you what you want. Even if she talks about going to therapy when she returns, remember that someone can voice intent until they're blue in the face but actions speak far louder than words. You'll be able to tell in short order whether or not they intend on working towards healing. I cant blame you for keeping the door open for this girl as my door will always remain cracked for the woman I'm referring to in my story. Just keep in mind that circling and re-approaching is their pattern and its unlikely that any significant change has occurred if she approaches you again within the next 6 months(which is likely). If you do decide to reengage...set boundaries and stick to them. She will respect you more in the long run for sticking to your guns and, even more importantly, YOU will respect yourself more in the end.

That's what made me a big advocate of attachment theory. The patterns, for both the behaviors within each insecure type and for the different couple pairings, really tend to show up as similar in people's descriptions of their situations. You can read all different experiences and they play out similarly if they share the same style (ie AP/DA dance, FA/DA turns FA anxious, etc). So much is universal about it.

In regards to your ex, it's great she's reading about it, but it's just a first step. She's got to want to make changes and heal for herself, not just to satisfy her curiosity on the subject or to win you back. There's a big difference in the effort involved, and I think you'll see it if she's making real changes and not superficial level routine changes. My ex thought he was AP based on something he once read in college and said he never saw how any of that information would be actionable anyway... so reading about it on its own doesn't always create real awareness.

Frankly, it took me 4-5 years after first learning about AP for me to figure out how it was actionable... but if I had anyone around me who knew anything about it I could talk to at the time, it would have been faster.

Could it make sense to try some couple's therapy rather than her doing individual therapy?
In any case, I don't think you need to cut her off completely unless the situation is harmful to you.

Same. I offered while we were working towards reconciling. He said no, if he went it would be by himself. And never did go.

I would argue that, at a point, its a necessary and non negotiable step towards rebuilding the trust that is broken as the push pull pattern plays out. Many of us have been in "relationships" with someone that has repeatedly approached us with incredible enthusiasm and with the intent of making it work long term...only to then pull a 180 a few months later and run for the hills. They'll say that you're amazing and that they love you and that you have insane chemistry. Then they'll treat you like the enemy and drop you without warning only to circle back a few weeks or months later. It happens again and again and, often times, the apologies and promises of changed behavior come with it. How many times can that play out before you lose faith in someone? Some of us have been through this process repeatedly with the same person who will acknowledge that they are acting irrationally and that its hurtful. I'm not absolving the normally secure or anxious partner of their role in the dynamic. But, repeated re-approach signals to me that you see value in the other person and you're willing to work through those triggers with each other in an effort to make things work. Going to therapy is a small price to pay to be with someone you care for and who cares for you.

I appreciate the suggestion to leave, and I do need to create more space there. Yes, it has been heartbreaking.

But I disagree with the bold part. I enjoyed a good part of that 14 months. I don't consider it a waste.

I strike for a growth mindset, and so I don't want to believe people with these issues don't change. It's absolutely hard, takes work, etc. But most of the literature indicates that it's possible to change, and the only way to create that change is to believe it can happen.

Checkout the book Mindset by Dweck for more on that growth mindset. I read the book after a bad breakup about 6 years ago, so I've had plenty of time to work on it. It's helped me immensely through this.