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Post by alexandra on Dec 21, 2018 8:56:02 GMT
So a bit of an update since I last posted. We've talked a couple of times a week over the past month. Most of the time, she's initiated. Sometimes our paths have simply crossed. I set a boundary that I wouldn't sleep with her unless she started therapy. I made that clear, yet she still came on to me at least twice, and I held my ground. She continues to come up with reasons to not get started with therapy. It seems like every time we talk she's come up with a new objection. We didn't talk for about a week, and tonight, she made it clear that she wouldn't have an answer I wanted. It's unfortunate because I perceived so much promise in the relationship. Really, I was looking past the commitment issues and thought it be worth working through. New Years is always a good time to start fresh, right? Sorry this happened, but it is better for her to be upfront with you about her capacity at this time and it is a good time for a fresh start! The potential of the relationship with an insecurely styled person isn't a good way to gauge things, and the commitment issues are hers to work through. It's not that it isn't worth it to her, as much as this is just what happens with FAs who aren't ready yet. They get too scared. And coming up with excuses was her avoiding dealing with her issues.
Again, same thing happened to me, and the FA ex ended up replacing me instead of ever going to therapy (even though he told me almost a year ago he'd been thinking about it even before I spoke to him about giving it a try! therapy was his own idea!). Because it's easier. He didn't sound particularly happy about where he is the last time we spoke, but it's less uncomfortable for him to continue to avoid everything he's been avoiding for most of his life. I've stopped speaking to him because I thought the entire last conversation was disrespectful to the new gf... who clearly has no idea what she's dealing with :/... and because he sounds like he's regressed and I can no longer deal with it. It's sad, but also his problem.
You're doing the right thing for yourself. That's what's important in the new year!
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 21, 2018 10:51:41 GMT
So a bit of an update since I last posted. We've talked a couple of times a week over the past month. Most of the time, she's initiated. Sometimes our paths have simply crossed. I set a boundary that I wouldn't sleep with her unless she started therapy. I made that clear, yet she still came on to me at least twice, and I held my ground. She continues to come up with reasons to not get started with therapy. It seems like every time we talk she's come up with a new objection. We didn't talk for about a week, and tonight, she made it clear that she wouldn't have an answer I wanted. It's unfortunate because I perceived so much promise in the relationship. Really, I was looking past the commitment issues and thought it be worth working through. New Years is always a good time to start fresh, right? Sorry this happened, but it is better for her to be upfront with you about her capacity at this time and it is a good time for a fresh start! The potential of the relationship with an insecurely styled person isn't a good way to gauge things, and the commitment issues are hers to work through. It's not that it isn't worth it to her, as much as this is just what happens with FAs who aren't ready yet. They get too scared. And coming up with excuses was her avoiding dealing with her issues.
Again, same thing happened to me, and the FA ex ended up replacing me instead of ever going to therapy (even though he told me almost a year ago he'd been thinking about it even before I spoke to him about giving it a try! therapy was his own idea!). Because it's easier. He didn't sound particularly happy about where he is the last time we spoke, but it's less uncomfortable for him to continue to avoid everything he's been avoiding for most of his life. I've stopped speaking to him because I thought the entire last conversation was disrespectful to the new gf... who clearly has no idea what she's dealing with :/... and because he sounds like he's regressed and I can no longer deal with it. It's sad, but also his problem.
You're doing the right thing for yourself. That's what's important in the new year!
I love how you put that Alexandra...no blame for her or him....just a truth that I too have grappled with. I have enmeshment issues which makes it really challenging at times to understand someone very different from me objectively, without putting"me" in the equation and making it personal when it isn't. I still have a tendency yo believe the success or failure of any relationship falls solely to me and as such..I tend to over react to very typical situations...but I am learning. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 22, 2018 1:11:37 GMT
Good work sticking to the boundaries you decided would be best for you.
Yes, 2019 has much potential!
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Post by chipper on Dec 23, 2018 7:02:34 GMT
Ugh. I had a missed call from her last night, and an “I miss you” text tonight. It’s starting to make me feel sad and upset.  I feel like I’m not far from blocking her. I don’t think I’d do that without telling her, so I guess I need t decide how. Call? Respond back with text? Short and to the point? Something with a bit more explanation? I’m going to sleep on it for now and not respond. |
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Post by kranichangel on Dec 23, 2018 8:31:27 GMT
If it is making you feel upset and uncomfortable the back-and-forth (which is completely understandable), I do think, as you already said, that stopping all form of contact for now might be the best way to deal with it - and yes, I agree it is nice and respectful to let her know your intentions of doing so - that way, you are showing her respect and doing it in a responsible way, while also respecting yourself and honouring your needs at this time, which seem to include not talking part in any emotional back-and-forth, hot and cold "games" or dynamics.
I personally prefer a short and direct phone call over texting, as that way, both parties have the opportunity to clearly state their intentions with less room for misunderstandings.
Of course, you set the tone here, but if I were in this situation as you have described and with the limited knowledge I have of it from what you have shared, I may also use this call as one last opportunity for HER to clearly state how she is feeling at this time and what she wants to do if given the choice (or does she continue not wanting to make a choice - that, is a choice too). That way, you know where things are at from her side (also, what were her intentions of sending the "I miss you" texts, and letting her know how this back and forth makes you feel and the consequences this dynamic may have on your both's connection from YOUR side, e.g., "this hot and cold makes me feel uncomfortable, so unless you want to make a clear choice in either direction, I am going to make that choice for myself and discontinue contact for now."
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Post by alexandra on Dec 23, 2018 9:10:51 GMT
I did it via a long phone call, but I had to convince him that going no contact was him doing me a "favor", that it was about him caring enough to do what was best for me, to prevent him from feeling rejected and triggered and continuing to not leave me alone. Ridiculous that it had to be spun that way, but it finally worked and boundaries got respected, I didn't feel guilty because I was upfront with what I was going to do to get space and he was relieved (not angry) when I unblocked him 8 months later and reached out (I reached out because I'd done a lot of attachment style healing, but in retrospect, I should have let him come to me after he healed IF he ever decided to).
If she's triggered, the missed call and text may be about her panicking that you responded to her saying she couldn't give you what you want with silence. You may actually leave for real, and she's testing your boundary to relieve her own stress/anxiety. Be careful and do what's best for you.
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Post by boomerang on Dec 23, 2018 12:40:05 GMT
I did it via a long phone call, but I had to convince him that going no contact was him doing me a "favor", that it was about him caring enough to do what was best for me, to prevent him from feeling rejected and triggered and continuing to not leave me alone. Ridiculous that it had to be spun that way, but it finally worked and boundaries got respected, I didn't feel guilty because I was upfront with what I was going to do to get space and he was relieved (not angry) when I unblocked him 8 months later and reached out (I reached out because I'd done a lot of attachment style healing, but in retrospect, I should have let him come to me after he healed IF he ever decided to). If she's triggered, the missed call and text may be about her panicking that you responded to her saying she couldn't give you what you want with silence. You may actually leave for real, and she's testing your boundary to relieve her own stress/anxiety. Be careful and do what's best for you.
Chipper, when my DA broke up with me the third time, he appealed to my compassion for his situation by sharing how hard it was for him, and I believed in his pain. I told myself I could do it for him and I let him go. I did not feel so much rejected/hurt that time (though I was of course) as extremely sad. That was the only one of our four breakups I cried over. But I loved him and he was vulnerable and sincere and I responded to that.
Now, I am not FA, I'm AP, but I think when you have been in a meaningful relationship where intentions are good, even if the dance destroys you both, if you make it about what that person can give you out of love or caring, you have an opportunity to call out the good part of them. In my case, I could not pursue someone who was hurting and had shared that with me. It helped me a lot to feel I was doing the right thing, rather than feeling 100% abandoned.
Having experienced four types of breakups from my same DA [just disappearing, sending me a text calling it off, talking to me about how he was feeling, low slow painful disengagement] I can truly say that my reaction was very different when he (indirectly, in his case) appealed to my care for him by sharing his feelings and inviting my empathy. Same person, same story, same history, totally different impact on me. I don't how it would play out with your FA, and my DA has never once felt he had to block me (since I took myself away when he ended things regardless), so it's not quite the same dynamic you are in-- but that was my experience.
RE the missed call/text, yes, totally agree she is panicking. That anxiety is crippling, I lived it for a long time. Being clear and holding your boundary is important for both of you. I think you may need to block her, but if you can get her to buy in through her care for you, it may be easier on both of you.
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Post by chipper on Dec 26, 2018 6:28:30 GMT
She texted again tonight, asking if I wanted to come over. Y’all were right about it being in a panic.
I called in response, and she was immediately apologetic for contacting me. I explained my feelings around her refusal to seek help, despite the continued contact. Similar to what was explained by alexandra, she felt ashamed that her behavior was impacting my feelings, and promised to stop.
She even recommended that I block her.
We'll see if this sticks. It didn't feel good to tell someone I care about that I was going to start ignoring her, but I'm glad I told her my intentions. I think she appreciated the clarity, too.
I'm seeing a therapist on Friday. She said she was "ashamed" for pushing me to the point of needing therapy.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 7, 2019 14:02:13 GMT
She texted again tonight, asking if I wanted to come over. Y’all were right about it being in a panic. I called in response, and she was immediately apologetic for contacting me. I explained my feelings around her refusal to seek help, despite the continued contact. Similar to what was explained by alexandra, she felt ashamed that her behavior was impacting my feelings, and promised to stop. She even recommended that I block her. We'll see if this sticks. It didn't feel good to tell someone I care about that I was going to start ignoring her, but I'm glad I told her my intentions. I think she appreciated the clarity, too. I'm seeing a therapist on Friday. She said she was "ashamed" for pushing me to the point of needing therapy. I myself am new to this forum and new to discovering attachment styles. I am finding some peace with my own breakup in reading the experiences of others. First off, I want to say that my heart goes out to you! This push and pull must be emotionally devastating for you and you are demonstrating tremendous strength in keeping your boundaries. I had a thought...perhaps the intense panic on her part is due to the holiday season? It’s a tough time of year even for secure singles, but definitely harder if we are grieving a breakup. I see it’s been a couple weeks for you now. Any updates on your situation? |
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Post by chipper on Jan 8, 2019 5:18:45 GMT
She told me she was “deleting my number and didn’t know it by heart.”
I spoke with my therapist, and shared that experience with her. I think I was still hoping to sway her into going to therapy. Haven’t talked with her in 10 days or so.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 8, 2019 5:34:36 GMT
She told me she was “deleting my number and didn’t know it by heart.” I spoke with my therapist, and shared that experience with her. I think I was still hoping to sway her into going to therapy. Haven’t talked with her in 10 days or so. It's awful, but you're not going to be able to convince her. If I learned anything it's that when they're ambivalent and triggered, you just can't do anything about it and should look after youself. Maybe one day she'll be in more of a growth mindset, but you'll both just be spinning your wheels if you try any further to salvage this now. You did the right thing in going no contact. And in our connected world, if you want to find someone you used to have regular contact, you'll be able to, even with a deleted phone number. So don't let that comment get to you too much. *hug* |
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Post by chipper on Jan 8, 2019 5:41:02 GMT
She told me she was “deleting my number and didn’t know it by heart.” I spoke with my therapist, and shared that experience with her. I think I was still hoping to sway her into going to therapy. Haven’t talked with her in 10 days or so. It's awful, but you're not going to be able to convince her. If I learned anything it's that when they're ambivalent and triggered, you just can't do anything about it and should look after youself. Maybe one day she'll be in more of a growth mindset, but you'll both just be spinning your wheels if you try any further to salvage this now. You did the right thing in going no contact. And in our connected world, if you want to find someone you used to have regular contact, you'll be able to, even with a deleted phone number. So don't let that comment get to you too much. *hug* Thank you. Yeah, that was my last shot. Tried for 10 months to get her to therapy. If I couldn’t get her there as a lover and boyfriend, certainly wasn’t going to get her there as an ex. It didn’t get to me. It was just weird. The whole “and I don’t know it by heart” thing was odd. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 8, 2019 5:48:57 GMT
She told me she was “deleting my number and didn’t know it by heart.” I spoke with my therapist, and shared that experience with her. I think I was still hoping to sway her into going to therapy. Haven’t talked with her in 10 days or so. This remark was in response to you telling her that you were going to start ignoring her texts? She probably felt ashamed and regretful for her actions yet also out of control so the solution to her was to delete your number. I couldn’t bring myself to do that to my ex but thought long and hard about it when he told me in a heated discussion in July not to contact him again. I didn’t bc it was said in the heat of the moment but if he told me that rationally with the reasons you presented- I would feel I should listen. And, like Alexandra said, if she wants to contact you again, cell number or not, she’ll surely find a way. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 8, 2019 6:16:27 GMT
Yeah, she was defensively trying to make herself feel better. You're cutting me out? Fine, I'm cutting you out too in this even more permanent way. It's my decision, too!
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Post by chipper on Jan 8, 2019 17:02:56 GMT
She admitted to being "selfish" in continuing to contacting me and asking to sleep over, after I told her that I wasn't going to do that unless she started therapy.
I feel alot of empathy for her. She wants a relationship, she likes me, wants my presence. Just isn't willing or ready to do the work that it's going to take to give me what I need to engage with her.
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