Post by Jo on May 10, 2017 8:40:56 GMT
hello all,
It's a long time since I've posted. I thought all was OK with my high end DA. My previous posts have highlighted how my soon to be ex-partner of over five years got this far. How we compromised, grew etc etc. But I always had a nagging doubt. When when first started out, he would talk about a female friend. Quite a bit. It was clear to me that there could be something in this. I asked. Just friends he replied (over 10 years and part of a network of friends). I was never introduced. She, and that network of friends still, to this day know nothing about me. At the beginning I stated two boundaries not to cross: lying to me and infidelity. If you want to be with someone else I said, finish it first. Throughout the years I had nagging doubts about this woman. I asked a few times. I asked to be introduced or at least mentioned in their conversations. Very painful conversations for him. He got himself into a corner he said - he had of course not been honest with his friends. Recently, after a very lovely calm and stable period between us. I casually asked him what he liked about her. He has not seen her or this group of friends regularly for over a year now - it is true that he has been investing in our relationship and has been making changes for me, and us, on a scale far greater than his previous relationships put together. The changes are enormous for him, but no great shakes for anyone who is a a 'regular kind of guy'.
What transpired was that he was considering her as relationship material. He was very attracted to her. He always liked spending time with her (his words not mine). How long did this go on for I asked - seeing her as relationship material? Over a year he said. I was gobsmacked. My reaction (shock) caused him to put his hand over his face and shake his head violently. I thought he was going to have some kind of panic attack. He'd been found out. I felt no malice towards her, she knew nothing of me and had actually been lied to herself. He was flirting with her, probably giving her romantic ideas, knowing he was sleeping with me. From the beginning I worked hard to understand him, and all that time, he had ideas of someone else. Apparantly, and according to him 'I won' I was the better person, I maintained his interest. One thing he said was that I make him a better person, I always have from day one.
He has explained to me that when it comes to what is acceptable behaviour in relationships, he had no moral boundaries instilled upon him as a child (he was bought up in care). He knows that what he thinks is acceptable behaviour (flirting etc) is not to most people. He has not been physically unfaithful - he wouldn't be able to cope with the intimacy to be honest - I know that first hand of course.
For six weeks I tried to make a go of it, but I struggled badly. Then I told him about my struggles. His reaction wasn't good as he saw this as me bringing up the past after all the changes he has been making for us. That I should judge him for his actions now, not for the past. He has a point. But I no longer trust him anymore. I never, ever will. He lied and lied and lied. He has always had secrets and compartments, and I have been put into my box on a number of occasions. Admittedly he is more open nowadays - which is very hard and painful to him. A year ago (before this episode) he gave me his passwords and access to his diary, phone etc, although I don't pry. Perhaps I should have.
The relationship is dead. It no longer has a future because I don't see him as relationship material anymore. I can't get it out of my head. I'm waiting for him to come here now - for a day out together - but I am half hoping that his car will break down.
Thank you for reading, Jo.
It's a long time since I've posted. I thought all was OK with my high end DA. My previous posts have highlighted how my soon to be ex-partner of over five years got this far. How we compromised, grew etc etc. But I always had a nagging doubt. When when first started out, he would talk about a female friend. Quite a bit. It was clear to me that there could be something in this. I asked. Just friends he replied (over 10 years and part of a network of friends). I was never introduced. She, and that network of friends still, to this day know nothing about me. At the beginning I stated two boundaries not to cross: lying to me and infidelity. If you want to be with someone else I said, finish it first. Throughout the years I had nagging doubts about this woman. I asked a few times. I asked to be introduced or at least mentioned in their conversations. Very painful conversations for him. He got himself into a corner he said - he had of course not been honest with his friends. Recently, after a very lovely calm and stable period between us. I casually asked him what he liked about her. He has not seen her or this group of friends regularly for over a year now - it is true that he has been investing in our relationship and has been making changes for me, and us, on a scale far greater than his previous relationships put together. The changes are enormous for him, but no great shakes for anyone who is a a 'regular kind of guy'.
What transpired was that he was considering her as relationship material. He was very attracted to her. He always liked spending time with her (his words not mine). How long did this go on for I asked - seeing her as relationship material? Over a year he said. I was gobsmacked. My reaction (shock) caused him to put his hand over his face and shake his head violently. I thought he was going to have some kind of panic attack. He'd been found out. I felt no malice towards her, she knew nothing of me and had actually been lied to herself. He was flirting with her, probably giving her romantic ideas, knowing he was sleeping with me. From the beginning I worked hard to understand him, and all that time, he had ideas of someone else. Apparantly, and according to him 'I won' I was the better person, I maintained his interest. One thing he said was that I make him a better person, I always have from day one.
He has explained to me that when it comes to what is acceptable behaviour in relationships, he had no moral boundaries instilled upon him as a child (he was bought up in care). He knows that what he thinks is acceptable behaviour (flirting etc) is not to most people. He has not been physically unfaithful - he wouldn't be able to cope with the intimacy to be honest - I know that first hand of course.
For six weeks I tried to make a go of it, but I struggled badly. Then I told him about my struggles. His reaction wasn't good as he saw this as me bringing up the past after all the changes he has been making for us. That I should judge him for his actions now, not for the past. He has a point. But I no longer trust him anymore. I never, ever will. He lied and lied and lied. He has always had secrets and compartments, and I have been put into my box on a number of occasions. Admittedly he is more open nowadays - which is very hard and painful to him. A year ago (before this episode) he gave me his passwords and access to his diary, phone etc, although I don't pry. Perhaps I should have.
The relationship is dead. It no longer has a future because I don't see him as relationship material anymore. I can't get it out of my head. I'm waiting for him to come here now - for a day out together - but I am half hoping that his car will break down.
Thank you for reading, Jo.