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Post by stayhappy on Dec 2, 2018 11:12:09 GMT
I’m pretty secure and I fall for my avoidant just because he didn’t seem avoidant from the start, otherwise he would not have a single chance with me. The distancing started when we got closer to each other. I don’t think anxious guys are interested of me. Ok, if I guy is too clingy I’m probably not interested of him either. Mild avoidants and mild anxious is fine!
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 2, 2018 11:47:16 GMT
I can relate. Outside his attachment he was great and Im even ok with some distance since Im more the loner type, I love the connection/intimacy/sex but in smaller/medium doses. Well... I'll take sex in bigger doses! haha. Im into lets meet for an hour, have hot sex and a little snug, then go on with our day along with the intimate nights spending the night together, etc. The distancing is just too great... And I swear deep down he actually knows Im good poo and he could trust me on some level, I give freely. Im calm and express my feelings in a positive calm way with low pressure. He also knows I need my own space. My gut tells me he knows I have his back. I think it triggers him to run harder/faster/quicker triggered. Im out of his element just like he is out of mine. haha. To add: I have a mini fear when I go back to dating I will come across those that want to engulf me over another avoidant. Even some secures want more time than I want since Im a secure that needs more space. Im a secure that would be ok communal space with our own bedrooms as long as we make the time to connect/have our intimate/snug times. I dont need everything together to feel close or connected. Recently I had a convo at a local pub with someone and her and her hubby have separate rooms and people they know dont understand but it works for them, they are very happy. I told her i get it and she was elated in a way that someone understood what they have and how it works for them. Sorry OP, mini derail! LOL
Are you sure you are secure? It's not to criticize, but it's not the first time I read you and end thinking that you have a lot of avoiding traits. Haha Im sure. Im just an odd bird. haha. There are us loner types and some of us are very secure. Though I do have some avoidant in me but its very low and only triggered by very needy/when Im done with a relashionship. I check out and turn a bit DA. I had to reflect on my life after I tested and I had a bit of avoidant, I was like what... Im love intimacy, I can express my feelings, etc?! LOL
I have a very hard time sleeping with others specially now in my 40s and the night sweats. My night sweats will continue until Im past menopause. Has nothing to do with attachment, I need sleep. haha. And my ex sweat like mad too, like a furnace. haha. Most guys I have dated were a furnace at night, even when I was young! I was with my ex for 5 years and I barely slept! haha (we lived together for 4 of them) My ex 'engulfed' me and hes secure attached, It wasnt he needed to be with me non stop he just didnt have enough hobbies, ect and was around ALL the time, I needed to breath.
That couple I mentioned are securely attached people as well. I can tell, Ive met them both as we are regulars at this place. I see their secureness with one another and they are happy people.
I see so much more now in people knowing attachment and all the research Ive done on dating, behaviors, etc. Im so much more in-tune.
I’m pretty secure and I fall for my avoidant just because he didn’t seem avoidant from the start, otherwise he would not have a single chance with me. The distancing started when we got closer to each other. I don’t think anxious guys are interested of me. Ok, if I guy is too clingy I’m probably not interested of him either. Mild avoidants and mild anxious is fine! Im with ya. Mild anxious us secures can easily tame just like secures can balance space needed for one another. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 2, 2018 22:45:07 GMT
8675309. I’d be having a big think about your attachment style.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 2, 2018 23:52:08 GMT
8675309 . I’d be having a big think about your attachment style. I took three tests and tested heavy on the secure side. I dont have any fear of intimacy, being close, trusting or expressing my feelings at all. Ive even been burned more than once and I still can trust and be open. Im a calm happy go lucky type and I understand conflict resolution. I also give my love freely, I dont even know another way to give it, I just give naturally.
Not all secures fit into the same box. Secure does not mean we have to be close at all times, or we dont need space, etc. Im secure enough to know we are close without having to be 'close' all the time. I know they are there for me like I am for them.
Personality/lifestyle plays a part, we are not just our attachment. Just like not all avoidants or AP types fit into the same box.
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Post by tinyrobotman on Dec 3, 2018 20:18:19 GMT
8675309 . I’d be having a big think about your attachment style. I took three tests and tested heavy on the secure side. I dont have any fear of intimacy, being close, trusting or expressing my feelings at all. Ive even been burned more than once and I still can trust and be open. Im a calm happy go lucky type and I understand conflict resolution. I also give my love freely, I dont even know another way to give it, I just give naturally.
Not all secures fit into the same box. Secure does not mean we have to be close at all times, or we dont need space, etc. Im secure enough to know we are close without having to be 'close' all the time. I know they are there for me like I am for them.
Personality/lifestyle plays a part, we are not just our attachment. Just like not all avoidants or AP types fit into the same box.
Indeed attachment style isn't everything and especially not in relationships. Even if I found someone secure and they were for example extremely extroverted or they spent all their time watching sports or were very religious that's not going to work out. However attachment is the bedrock which everything else rests and with a secure attachment style it's so much easier to work out the getting through life stuff like finances, sex, living arrangements and hobbies that can spiral out of control when it's sitting on a shaky foundation of incompatible attachment styles. 8675309 I would also think a bit about your attachment style. Have you had an independent evaluation? I've observed that one DA defense mechanism is to have an over inflated sense of their own security and confuse being independent with being secure. Obviously not saying your not secure, but there aren't a lot of secures on this board because well they have little to gain by being here. |
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Post by tinyrobotman on Dec 3, 2018 20:53:31 GMT
I was "that" ex. In my mid-late 20s I've been in a... Situation-ship with the love of my life. He refused to call it a relationship even though we could have been married as far as I know. He once told me that one can only know if a person is "the one" after 10 years. "Cool", I thought, "only 6 years are left... And I'll be in my mid 30s". I waited like stupid. Now I have no idea how can you expect from someone to wait that long to find out if you're willing to commit or not, to give up your youth. It's different for men. I'm in my late 30s, approaching my 40s now. Guys my age who are secure and open to a relationship go after younger women. Even if the difference is 3 to 5 years. They usually want to settle too. I'm targeted by 50 something clingy, desperate for a woman divorce men or those who aren't available. It's clear they're lonely and theyre trying to fill the void. Most of them never had a serious, long term relationship. I'm beginning to think I should give up. My time has passed. I hear you LittleMe. I spent a long time in a friendzone type situation-ship with a DA women who was basically my companion but wouldn't label it any more than "best friends". Probably wasted 8 years on that and still not completely free of it. It really isn't that different for men. It's a matter of developing the self worth to not stay in a situation that doesn't work for you. Easier said than done I know but self worth it is a very attractive characteristic. As a man I will say that we're completely open to dating women our own age or a bit older, especially as we get into our 40's. Also you can use the age bias to your advantage. If you're in your late 30's then approach quality men in their early 40's. If you are a catch they will feel flattered, I know I would. I never understand why women are afraid to approach men? Every guy I know loves that since we're so used to having to be the ones to approach and get rejected. Hang in there and continue to work on yourself. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 3, 2018 23:55:38 GMT
I took three tests and tested heavy on the secure side. I dont have any fear of intimacy, being close, trusting or expressing my feelings at all. Ive even been burned more than once and I still can trust and be open. Im a calm happy go lucky type and I understand conflict resolution. I also give my love freely, I dont even know another way to give it, I just give naturally.
Not all secures fit into the same box. Secure does not mean we have to be close at all times, or we dont need space, etc. Im secure enough to know we are close without having to be 'close' all the time. I know they are there for me like I am for them.
Personality/lifestyle plays a part, we are not just our attachment. Just like not all avoidants or AP types fit into the same box.
Indeed attachment style isn't everything and especially not in relationships. Even if I found someone secure and they were for example extremely extroverted or they spent all their time watching sports or were very religious that's not going to work out. However attachment is the bedrock which everything else rests and with a secure attachment style it's so much easier to work out the getting through life stuff like finances, sex, living arrangements and hobbies that can spiral out of control when it's sitting on a shaky foundation of incompatible attachment styles. 8675309 I would also think a bit about your attachment style. Have you had an independent evaluation? I've observed that one DA defense mechanism is to have an over inflated sense of their own security and confuse being independent with being secure. Obviously not saying your not secure, but there aren't a lot of secures on this board because well they have little to gain by being here. Trust me Im not even close to DA. Like I said above Im emotionally open, DAs are not. Im not confused in any way about my independence, its just who I am. Three tests and reading the book Attached I am for sure secure.
Im here because an avoidant guy brought me and was trying to understand. Its my first time, Ive only dated other secures, I didnt know what was happening. He triggered things in me Ive never experienced. And I stay because I still learn, I hope to help others if I can and I like forums. I run an online business so its easy for me to pop in. Not many secures here so why not help those that are not. I thought maybe a secure voice here would help.
Little to gain?? Ive personally learned a TON here now knowing about attachment styles. Its been very enlightening and I cant believe I didn't learn it sooner in my life, Im pretty self aware.
I find it interesting my independence has become a thing. LOL Many secures are independent, Im just a bit more. Some secures want to do Everything together and some dont, no more no less. Our love languages are different as well as our lifestyles.
Independence does not equal avoidant. Step out of your box. Independence does not mean I cant be close, imitate, express feelings, etc.
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