lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 2, 2018 18:10:32 GMT
I feel like I post all over these boards as I don’t know where my attachment style lands and it varies really depending on the relationship. My friendships and old relationships test FA, my family DA and my current relationship secure. But I’m on a thought tangent that feels FA so I’m putting it here.
It’s a strange thing to think how I can have such intense and opposing needs and fears/beliefs. The need for love and validation and the fear of rejection and judgement. The need to be alone and self sufficient and the fear of being inadequate and unable to survive by myself. I feel completely trapped sometimes by both the thing I want and the utter belief that I am unable to get it or the risk is too high to try. It’s like I locked myself in my own cage but for most of my life believed someone else put me in there. I’m working to see how and when I’m doing it and make different and braver choices but it’s so reflexive i don’t always realize it. I’ve spent most of my life rationalizing this stuff away. As I watch my kids sometime it’s sad for me to wonder just how I came to this perception. I’m grateful that I see it now in myself while they are still young and hope I can do better by myself and in turn do better by them.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 2, 2018 21:15:48 GMT
I feel like I post all over these boards as I don’t know where my attachment style lands and it varies really depending on the relationship. My friendships and old relationships test FA, my family DA and my current relationship secure. But I’m on a thought tangent that feels FA so I’m putting it here. It’s a strange thing to think how I can have such intense and opposing needs and fears/beliefs. The need for love and validation and the fear of rejection and judgement. The need to be alone and self sufficient and the fear of being inadequate and unable to survive by myself. I feel completely trapped sometimes by both the thing I want and the utter belief that I am unable to get it or the risk is too high to try. It’s like I locked myself in my own cage but for most of my life believed someone else put me in there. I’m working to see how and when I’m doing it and make different and braver choices but it’s so reflexive i don’t always realize it. I’ve spent most of my life rationalizing this stuff away. As I watch my kids sometime it’s sad for me to wonder just how I came to this perception. I’m grateful that I see it now in myself while they are still young and hope I can do better by myself and in turn do better by them. I think plenty of this is situational and for many people there's not a fixed attachment style - maybe that's uncomfortable sometimes as it's reassuring to be able to align and fit in with one group or another. Sometimes for me it swings from day to day for no real reason so lilos you're not alone.
It seems from what you have said, that healing for you is something of a battle - maybe the start is to just accept where you are now and pause and slow down a bit. Once it starts becoming yet another task, it reinforces the belief that you're defective and that becomes yet another thing to add to the list of things that need sorting out.
I believe that all healing comes from self acceptance and self compassion - and that from there, the nervous system is calm and stable enough to be able to make small steps towards lasting change.
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 2, 2018 22:08:52 GMT
ocarina- healing is a struggle for me. Is it ever really easy? Maybe I am harder on myself- I don’t know. It certainly is work and while it’s interesting and I do see all the positive that comes with it and even sometimes find it a little fun- it’s also hard and there are set backs and sadness along the way too. I do have compassion for myself- that was a big part of my early recognitions- and acceptance while also making better choices and new habits is something I continue to work on. I don’t know any other way I guess than where I’m at but I’m trying new things all the time. Some are more graceful than others. Some things I still find I’m not ready to tackle. I’m assuming that’s all fairly normal.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 2, 2018 22:50:42 GMT
I think it is all pretty normal! We live in an Instagram world where if we believed what we see, everyone except us is doing perfectly, never down, never conflicted, ours is the only messy life. It's not helpful as it makes us feel there's something missing in our own flawed existence and start to crack the whip harder.
I guess that's what I was getting at - difficult is normal - and imperfection is fine, one step at a time.
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 2, 2018 23:04:19 GMT
I think it is all pretty normal! We live in an Instagram world where if we believed what we see, everyone except us is doing perfectly, never down, never conflicted, ours is the only messy life. It's not helpful as it makes us feel there's something missing in our own flawed existence and start to crack the whip harder. I guess that's what I was getting at - difficult is normal - and imperfection is fine, one step at a time. Well I certainly do have those moments still- cracking down on myself. They are shorter lived and less intense- but still there. I have these little kids and sometimes I take my feelings out on them. That stuff makes me a little hard on myself- even though I consider them my greatest teachers and in failing and learning in front of them that I am giving them a great opportunity to learn too. It’s still hard once you become aware of the ways you hurt people you love. It’s funny how normalized that is in this Instagram world. I used to find comfort in that- knowing I wasn’t alone in having mommy tantrums. And while it is still good to know I’m not alone- I’m also not going to just stop there and say it’s ok. It’s human sure, but as a human I can find a better way. Just takes some practice. Anyway- as you said- one step at time. Always new opportunities and a greater appreciation for them. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 12:53:52 GMT
I'm the same - I think of attachment styles as on a sliding scale, I mean it's all relative right?
I become FA once the honeymoon ends and my fear of commitment and intimacy materialises as a disgust and irritation towards the other person, and I begin to feel trapped in a "less-than" relationship that doesn't match the fantasy feeling in my mind, in which intimacy is totally comfortable and I feel inspired and enamoured with my partner.. which is ridiculous, I've never met one man that didn't piss me off or bore me in some way, even if I pretended to myself later on that he was the best thing ever when he suddenly seemed appealing to me again... it sucks.
I usually pick DA partners since my Dad is DA and I'm a straight woman so there's that, so I tend to slip into the AP role in my romantic life.
Like I say, it's all relative right?
I know what it's like to feel so trapped, and it feels very real, very urgent and very painful.. and even if you "know" you're triggered, it doesn't take away the ambiguity in your mind
The last guy I dated properly was more of a DA leaning FA and his ambiguity meant that he couldn't even decide what sandwich he wanted to buy... this is legit
He couldn't make even the smallest commitments for fear of FOMO, like any decision went through his commitment-averse brain and the bigger the thing, the bigger the aversion. It drove me mad that he didn't know that he was a commitment-phobe and how his family had made him that way, like it seemed very obvious to me, but you can't rob people of their own realisations even if they project it onto you... we are the lucky ones that we actually know, I guess
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 3, 2018 13:52:36 GMT
bloom- becoming frozen by even basic decisions is so real. I don’t know what that is but it’s annoying even to me, I assume it’s pretty hard to watch as well.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 14:10:08 GMT
bloom - becoming frozen by even basic decisions is so real. I don’t know what that is but it’s annoying even to me, I assume it’s pretty hard to watch as well. What is the experience like, is it a blank mind or not feeling able to access your preference or like the FOMO thing? I found it really perplexing that he had this commitment-aversion in every aspect of his life |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 3, 2018 19:01:45 GMT
I'm the same - I think of attachment styles as on a sliding scale, I mean it's all relative right? I become FA once the honeymoon ends and my fear of commitment and intimacy materialises as a disgust and irritation towards the other person, and I begin to feel trapped in a "less-than" relationship that doesn't match the fantasy feeling in my mind, in which intimacy is totally comfortable and I feel inspired and enamoured with my partner.. which is ridiculous, I've never met one man that didn't piss me off or bore me in some way, even if I pretended to myself later on that he was the best thing ever when he suddenly seemed appealing to me again... it sucks. I usually pick DA partners since my Dad is DA and I'm a straight woman so there's that, so I tend to slip into the AP role in my romantic life. Like I say, it's all relative right? I know what it's like to feel so trapped, and it feels very real, very urgent and very painful.. and even if you "know" you're triggered, it doesn't take away the ambiguity in your mind The last guy I dated properly was more of a DA leaning FA and his ambiguity meant that he couldn't even decide what sandwich he wanted to buy... this is legit He couldn't make even the smallest commitments for fear of FOMO, like any decision went through his commitment-averse brain and the bigger the thing, the bigger the aversion. It drove me mad that he didn't know that he was a commitment-phobe and how his family had made him that way, like it seemed very obvious to me, but you can't rob people of their own realisations even if they project it onto you... we are the lucky ones that we actually know, I guess Haha oh that is totally me. I spent like probably almost a half hour in a drugstore trying to decide what powerbank toncharge my dead phone. The flip side is that once i make a decision and have a setup, i usually like it and dont want it to change. But sometimes thats not helpful in romantic relationships either as i dont want to leave the relationship, and also dont want to "progress" to the next level. What do you mean by "how his parents made him that way"? |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 4, 2018 1:02:02 GMT
lilos yeah, that's why I post all over the boards too... I wonder if the difficulty some people have with making any decision is general anxiety, not necessarily linked to attachment style.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 4, 2018 16:42:19 GMT
lilos yeah, that's why I post all over the boards too... I wonder if the difficulty some people have with making any decision is general anxiety, not necessarily linked to attachment style. That might be true, generalized anxiety as opposed to attachment issues. My original diagnosis whennibwent to therapy was generalized anxiety. |
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