Deactivating Strategies Adopted by DA?

littleh
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Posts: 4

Deactivating Strategies Adopted by DA? May 10, 2017 13:16:02 GMT via mobile

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Post by littleh on May 10, 2017 13:16:02 GMT

Hi all,
Met a guy online and we went on 5 dates over 3 months but he was mostly busy with his own schedule and so managed to ensure our meetings were very spread out. Sometimes he would agree to meet other times he was too busy, I usually initiated. We texted a fair amount at the start then his replies started to become more closed off so less opportunity to keep conversation going.

I recall a couple of comments he made on our first date such as he's not sure if he's staying in UK (he's Spanish) and he said at the start he doesn't think things could ever be serious between us, we're too different. Quite commendable really that he's been so upfront and honest from day one.

However my gut instinct was telling me throughout all his attempts to reject me and sabotage that he possibly quite liked me and was growing a bit fond of me but I'll never know. He mentioned he'd like casual sex near the start but didn't actually explicitly ask me over, I think if I'd have called his bluff it would not have happened.
I said to him perhaps we'd gone beyond casual sex and perhaps we are becoming friends, we joked about being friends but that was a while ago and in my mind we were more than friends as you don't tend to kiss and cuddle your friends.

I was due to meet him this week but I felt anxious over the weekend because I like him and didn't know how he felt so didn't text him over the weekend. I guess he must have been feeling anxious too as this is the text I got from him the day we were due to meet;

Hey Helen.. i know we were meeting up today, and im very sorry for the last minute cancellation.. as you know i have always tried to be very sincere with you

and the truth is that i like you, but i started meeting someone, and despite we talked about just being friends, i think might be a bit early yet to meet up..hope you understand and we meet up again as friends in the future, but just not yet

My question is whether an Avoidant is actually capable of introducing the topic of dating someone else as an Avoidant strategy? Or actually physically date other people as an Avoidant strategy? We never said we were going to be exclusive. Part of me doesn't believe him about this other person who he says is recent but I don't think he would lie outright about something like this. Having said that I'm sure he's told me little white lies in the past, saying he's busy when he's not etc. On the face of it he's not interested in a romantic relationship with me and has found someone he likes better, which is totally plausible with dating apps these days and I know I should take what he is saying at face value. Not sure why he'd throw in the comment about liking me and meeting up further down the line but could be him letting me down gently. His text was a bit mixed I think but when I asked he did clarify he has recently been 'meeting someone'.

I'm sure he's a Dismissive Avoidant unless there's some anxious traits in there?

Thanks

Last Edit: May 10, 2017 15:42:37 GMT by littleh

Herewegoagain
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Posts: 15

Deactivating Strategies Adopted by DA? May 10, 2017 15:22:44 GMT via mobile

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Post by Herewegoagain on May 10, 2017 15:22:44 GMT

I don't think there's enough to tell if he's truly avoidant...or just playing the field/not interested.

What were the rejection/sabotage attempts?

Everything I've read and experienced...you usually can't tell until you start to get VERY close to the person. That's what triggers them. You have to look at the total picture. It is possible for someone to be capable of commitment and not fear intimacy...but also not know what they want or just not be interested

My general strategy moving forward is to just move on when a guy blows hot and cold like this.

Hope that helps.

Last Edit: May 10, 2017 15:35:08 GMT by Herewegoagain

littleh
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Posts: 4

Deactivating Strategies Adopted by DA? May 10, 2017 16:34:47 GMT via mobile

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Post by littleh on May 10, 2017 16:34:47 GMT

Hi, thanks for your response. I agree there's not enough to tell if he's just simply not interested. It was just my gut feel that perhaps he was developing some feelings, combined with the fact we had some good dates and, if it were me, I simply would not meet someone I wasn't interested in. However, perhaps that's why he's put a stop to it now.

So you're saying an Avoidant would adopt strategies to those people they like or are getting close to? I feel he was trying to stop us from getting any closer.

Good question on the sabotage attempts, I wondered if the below examples could be attempts but again not enough to distinguish from a 'player' immaturity or lack of interest;

1) Once he sent a text to me by mistake in Spanish which was clearly meant for a friend saying he had 3 dates line up. He apologised saying it was meant for his friend. I of course used google translate! I jokingly said that I'd translated it but left it there. He's not the kind to make a sloppy mistake like that so I thought it could have been on purpose, however it could well have been a genuine mistake. Most sane girls would have been put off by that I think and run a mile!

2) Telling me we're too different, he's not sure he's staying in the UK, he doesn't think we can be anything serious. But still seeing me when I think most guys would have confirmed earlier on they weren't interested. Basically getting his exit strategy logged early on. He's 36 and I'm 39 although we both look younger than our age.

3) Telling me he's setting up a band, ruling out Tuesdays for band practice, basically lots of attempts to limit his available time.

4) Being slightly cold and unresponsive to texts after intimate dates, I mean after nice dates we'd had where we'd been quite affectionate and in my eyes I think we'd had a nice time and he seemed to as well.

I've literally hung in there through it all so maybe he's dealt the ultimate blow of saying he's seeing someone else in a last ditch attempt to get me to go away!

Thanks

Last Edit: May 10, 2017 17:01:17 GMT by littleh

annieb
Honored Contributor

Posts: 636

Deactivating Strategies Adopted by DA? May 10, 2017 17:54:38 GMT

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Post by annieb on May 10, 2017 17:54:38 GMT

I'd say it's hard to tell at this point if it is a deactivating strategy or if he is just playing the field. Thing is either way, there isn't anything you can do. If you were to push for a relationship, he would probably get "turned off" anyway. The only thing you can really do for these guys is be there for them as a strong friend, when he gets around to contacting you. That leaves you in a very vulnerable place, when you are trying to connect with someone emotionally. All in all an avoidant is a poor bet for a relationship no matter how you slice it. I believe the sooner you end this the better off you will be. If he keeps coming back to you and you can remain strong, you can entertain him, but I wouldn't be putting all my eggs in that basket, if you know what I mean.

littleh New Member Posts: 4	Deactivating Strategies Adopted by DA? May 10, 2017 19:53:14 GMT via mobile Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by littleh on May 10, 2017 19:53:14 GMT Yeah you're right and that's the point, there is nothing I can do no matter what way you slice it. I guess it was just trying to make sense of what happened. Thanks both!

Post by littleh on May 10, 2017 13:16:02 GMT

Post by Herewegoagain on May 10, 2017 15:22:44 GMT

Post by littleh on May 10, 2017 16:34:47 GMT

Post by annieb on May 10, 2017 17:54:38 GMT

Post by littleh on May 10, 2017 19:53:14 GMT