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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2018 5:48:31 GMT
Geez I always thought I was AP because of my ex who triggered me so hard I was acting all crazy and impulsive. I just redid some tests and I realised I don’t really know what it means “afraid that my partner wants to be close to me”. I now find myself unsure of what “close” means! And I realize that I’ve never thought my relationships will last and so it didn’t mattered too much how good the relationship was and how much I was investing in it. Those I had wanted it to last (only two and both are insecures) I didn’t know how to keep going - I was always sort of dissociated from it rather than just living it! And now upon reflection I never really liked being overly depended on by others and even if I did depend on others on times of need, I generally don’t feel comfortable being dependent on romantic partners. One big issue was that my ex was much wealthier than I was and would give me money if needed and I always felt lots of stress taking it. Weirdly I took it because it was a way for him to show care and investment in me.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 4, 2018 7:28:36 GMT
It's not unheard of for people to think they are AP because they are used to dating more avoidant partners that trigger them, but they are actually FA. However, you can also be AP and fear intimacy (due to your fear of getting abandoned if you get too close OR due to rejecting the narrative that someone is willing to get closer to you than you are to them -- so you don't get triggered anxious and it seems boring). The bigger difference is usually in how you view others. Both FA and AP share a negative view of self / low self-esteem and look to others for validation. However, AP tends to trust others and position others as better than self. FA distrusts others and eventually gets overwhelmed by engulfment if someone else gets too close (nervous system shuts down and deactivation and detachment follows). Yet if that person appears to back off or lose interest, it may re-trigger the FA to feel anxious and interested again (push-pull-push-pull with the same partner). There's a lot more ambivalence, inconsistency, and back and forth over time.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 4, 2018 14:34:40 GMT
You might want to repost this in one of the general sections...because this section is technically for APs.  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2018 1:05:02 GMT
Thanks tnr9. I'm writing it here because I've always self identified as AP and relied on this section of the forum heavily. recently because of the breakup, i've decided that I needed to be independent and grow strong myself without the need to rely on others. Because of this, sometimes I catch myself sliding into avoidance as i grow "stronger" and it's starting to confuse me what exactly is happening. I wasn't sure if this is a common experience for APs as they move towards security, or if it is just because I've mis-identified myself. Hence i posted it here. Sorry this wasn't more clear or if this was inappropriate.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2018 1:13:41 GMT
@shiningstar, my experience shifting into secure was my high anxiety went down significantly and my low avoidance went up slightly, but no where near crossing into the FA quadrant. Based on what you've been posting the last couple days, it seems you may have FA tendencies but are used to dating more avoidant folks than yourself. And that's okay, but there's a bigger scope to heal if you choose to continue delving into it.
I feel like now that I have consistently tested secure for some time, I'm more avoidant with other new insecures who could be new romantic prospects, but otherwise I don't think I'd shut down on someone both compatible and emotionally available. It's more that my boundaries continue to improve, but it's not out of fear/distrust, either of others or myself, or wounded self-protection. I just don't want a long-term partnership anymore with someone who doesn't have himself sorted out.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2018 1:14:30 GMT
And I don't think tnr9 was saying don't post this here, she was just saying you'll get more responses across types and not just AP opinions in other sections.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2018 1:22:03 GMT
thanks alexandra. I think that's a good way of explaining it - if the avoidance comes from recognizing compatibility and availability, or out of fear/distrust. yes I'm used to being serious with more avoidant folks I suppose, never got into a relationship with APs - i find people with high energy levels (not just from being active or extroverted, but there's this nervous energy even if the facade is calm) scary to be with because it feels like I'll get swept away by them. I can only do it when I have alot of resources and am very in control of myself. the avoidance part of me just started becoming more obvious recently. geez. i'll have a mull over it and then post in the general discussion if needed. Thanks for this! it's quite helpful in helping me think about it. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2018 1:31:59 GMT
thanks alexandra. I think that's a good way of explaining it - if the avoidance comes from recognizing compatibility and availability, or out of fear/distrust. yes I'm used to being serious with more avoidant folks I suppose, never got into a relationship with APs - i find people with high energy levels (not just from being active or extroverted, but there's this nervous energy even if the facade is calm) scary to be with because it feels like I'll get swept away by them. I can only do it when I have alot of resources and am very in control of myself. the avoidance part of me just started becoming more obvious recently. geez. i'll have a mull over it and then post in the general discussion if needed. Thanks for this! it's quite helpful in helping me think about it. Here's a thread from a few months ago that may also be helpful, about this topic: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1335/floored-fa |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2018 2:11:04 GMT
thanks alexandra . I think that's a good way of explaining it - if the avoidance comes from recognizing compatibility and availability, or out of fear/distrust. yes I'm used to being serious with more avoidant folks I suppose, never got into a relationship with APs - i find people with high energy levels (not just from being active or extroverted, but there's this nervous energy even if the facade is calm) scary to be with because it feels like I'll get swept away by them. I can only do it when I have alot of resources and am very in control of myself. the avoidance part of me just started becoming more obvious recently. geez. i'll have a mull over it and then post in the general discussion if needed. Thanks for this! it's quite helpful in helping me think about it. Here's a thread from a few months ago that may also be helpful, about this topic: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1335/floored-fa
right now i'm going !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha. gosh. seems like the ex might also be somewhat of a FA inclined towards DA, and me inclined towards AP. Thanks for this! I somewhat feel happy about this, because at the end of the day, it just helps me move towards secure in a more aware fashion. happy for anyone else who self-identifies as AP to share their experiences with being avoidant, even if temporarily! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 6, 2018 0:57:50 GMT
With these tests, I am not sure what "afraid" or "Fear of" means. Like I'm not "afraid of intimacy." I want intimacy and think about it all day. Does that mean I engage in behaviors more likely to make it happen? No, but I have no conscious concept of being afraid of it.
...language!
I am very AP (or maybe FA) with some people and avoidant with others. I don't know, it's complicated.
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