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Post by jaleesa on Dec 10, 2018 9:57:47 GMT
I'm FA, never cheated and will never cheat, although I wanted to when I was unaware because I felt really lonely and wasn't getting my needs met. All of my DA exes cheated on me though and my last FA ex always talked about other women. However, I also have AP friends who cheated in every single relationship so I guess insecure attached people in general are more prone to infidelity, not just avoidants.
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Post by stavs on Dec 10, 2018 16:23:58 GMT
Interesting question....I actually would think AP’s are more likely to cheat bc they feel they aren’t getting their emotional needs met. Once you go elsewhere for emotional needs- physical can be a quick second. I can also see how an avoidant can cheat due to the lack of developed connection to their partner. This seems VERY legit.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2018 23:40:58 GMT
Common thread I'm seeing in these answers is, if the person neither knows how to get their own needs met nor knows how to communicate them, there's a risk of infidelity if there aren't healthier coping mechanisms in place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 23:48:36 GMT
Common thread I'm seeing in these answers is, if the person neither knows how to get their own needs met nor knows how to communicate them, there's a risk of infidelity if there aren't healthier coping mechanisms in place. To add on, it might also be an interaction thing. So aside from effective self-meeting/communicating needs (which is of key importance of course), it might also be that your partner is not "catching the ball". when someone is clearly communicating it, it might be missed or rejected by the other party for whatever reasons (this goes both ways regardless of attachment styles). Gottman calls this meeting emotional bids - sometimes, the point is not in the how you're doing it, but the point is you are sending out emotional bids that are constantly not met. This unmeeting of needs (either by yourself and/or by partner) is what really drives people nuts. www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
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Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2018 23:52:01 GMT
Common thread I'm seeing in these answers is, if the person neither knows how to get their own needs met nor knows how to communicate them, there's a risk of infidelity if there aren't healthier coping mechanisms in place. To add on, it might also be an interaction thing. So aside from effective self-meeting/communicating needs (which is of key importance of course), it might also be that your partner is not "catching the ball". when someone is clearly communicating it, it might be missed or rejected by the other party for whatever reasons (this goes both ways regardless of attachment styles). Gottman calls this meeting emotional bids - sometimes, the point is not in the how you're doing it, but the point is you are sending out emotional bids that are constantly not met. This unmeeting of needs (either by yourself and/or by partner) is what really drives people nuts. www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/ I agree that can be a big part of it, but if the person who isn't getting their needs met is responding with healthy communication, they'll break up before cheating.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 11, 2018 0:26:22 GMT
I'm FA, never cheated and will never cheat, although I wanted to when I was unaware because I felt really lonely and wasn't getting my needs met. All of my DA exes cheated on me though and my last FA ex always talked about other women. However, I also have AP friends who cheated in every single relationship so I guess insecure attached people in general are more prone to infidelity, not just avoidants. I can identify with this. I don't think I could ever cheat because I would feel too guilty, but cheating, or breaking up, seemed easier to do than the conflict that could have potentially solved the problem and allowed my needs to be met. If there's one thing I really need to work on, it is being aware of my own needs and then being willing to Express them.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 0:39:54 GMT
To add on, it might also be an interaction thing. So aside from effective self-meeting/communicating needs (which is of key importance of course), it might also be that your partner is not "catching the ball". when someone is clearly communicating it, it might be missed or rejected by the other party for whatever reasons (this goes both ways regardless of attachment styles). Gottman calls this meeting emotional bids - sometimes, the point is not in the how you're doing it, but the point is you are sending out emotional bids that are constantly not met. This unmeeting of needs (either by yourself and/or by partner) is what really drives people nuts. www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/ I agree that can be a big part of it, but if the person who isn't getting their needs met is responding with healthy communication, they'll break up before cheating. ah, yessss.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 11, 2018 5:05:54 GMT
Yes, I know it happened with me.
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nic
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Post by nic on Dec 29, 2018 22:48:05 GMT
I'm a DA in a "relationship" with a DA on & off for 2 years. It started out a mess. After 6 months of realizing he wasn't interested in being in a relationship and was full of inconsistencies I "broke up" with him the first time. From there on out its been a series of breaking up and reconnecting, each time getting closer to what feels like an acceptably satisfying relationship.
We're now going on the longest/best period we've ever had with no major blow ups (3.5 months). He's still saying he's not ready for a relationship but because it feels good and we're getting along I don't sweat it and live in the moment. When I've brought it up in the past he's told me to relax and let it happen naturally (2 years mind you).We just spent Christmas together and had a GREAT week!
The other night I received a text that was not meant for me. He'd just gotten out of my car, kissed me good bye. The text said "on my way into a meeting.. so wish I could have a kiss from you." When I asked about it he said it was sent way earlier in the day (but earlier he wouldnt have been on his way into a meeting would he). Then he scrambled & said it was partly to me & partly to his friend.
This long story just to say I don't get it! I give him outs. We don't HAVE to be together. He always pulls me back in. Since there are a few people here that admit they've cheated.. no judgement I promise, can you tell me whats going on in your head in relation to your partnership? I just want to understand another mindset. In the past if I felt the need to be with someone else, we were not good anyway and I'd leave. If you cheat, does it mean you want the relationship over anyway? If your partner stayed, how did they handle it? And how did you view them afterwards?
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Post by epicgum on Dec 30, 2018 13:08:44 GMT
I think the infidelity discussion is interesting. I would guess that both anxious and avoidant partners are more likely than secure partners to cheat for somewhat different reasons...and also for the same reason that they are unable to have a real dialogue to get their needs met.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 31, 2018 6:18:38 GMT
I'm a DA in a "relationship" with a DA on & off for 2 years. It started out a mess. After 6 months of realizing he wasn't interested in being in a relationship and was full of inconsistencies I "broke up" with him the first time. From there on out its been a series of breaking up and reconnecting, each time getting closer to what feels like an acceptably satisfying relationship. We're now going on the longest/best period we've ever had with no major blow ups (3.5 months). He's still saying he's not ready for a relationship but because it feels good and we're getting along I don't sweat it and live in the moment. When I've brought it up in the past he's told me to relax and let it happen naturally (2 years mind you).We just spent Christmas together and had a GREAT week! The other night I received a text that was not meant for me. He'd just gotten out of my car, kissed me good bye. The text said "on my way into a meeting.. so wish I could have a kiss from you." When I asked about it he said it was sent way earlier in the day (but earlier he wouldnt have been on his way into a meeting would he). Then he scrambled & said it was partly to me & partly to his friend. This long story just to say I don't get it! I give him outs. We don't HAVE to be together. He always pulls me back in. Since there are a few people here that admit they've cheated.. no judgement I promise, can you tell me whats going on in your head in relation to your partnership? I just want to understand another mindset. In the past if I felt the need to be with someone else, we were not good anyway and I'd leave. If you cheat, does it mean you want the relationship over anyway? If your partner stayed, how did they handle it? And how did you view them afterwards? I agree with epicgum and Alexandra said is true- not being able to express one’s needs effectively may lead to infidelity, and also the fact that an insecurely attached person may get into and stay in a relationship for the wrong/unhealthy reasons and find themselves “stuck” there and feeling unable to get out for various emotional or logistical reasons. Feeling the void coupled with feeling regret and trapped opens the doors to infidelity- both emotional and physical infidelity.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 31, 2018 16:59:16 GMT
Even secures cheat.
Bottom line cheating stems from some underlying issue be it attachment or whatever else is wrong with the relationship. Secure doesn’t equal good relationships.
As a secure if I feel the need to cheat/catch feelings for another I take a hard look at my relationship, something is wrong and it’s usually time to end it so I do. I’m not a cheat.
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Post by happyidiot on Dec 31, 2018 23:47:07 GMT
In this post I will use "cheating" for lack of a better equally concise term, even though I don't love the word and everyone has different ideas of what it means. I'm not sure if I believe the "common knowledge" that avoidant people cheat more than everyone else. The research has flaws, and results are actually mixed. For example, these studies of newlyweds specifically found that anxious partners were more likely to cheat, that partners of anxious people were also more likely to cheat, that avoidants were neither more or less likely to cheat, and that partners of avoidants were less likely to cheat. Study results also vary based on what kind of relationship the people are in. Is it cheating if you are just dating someone and haven't talked about exclusivity yet? Maybe avoidant people are less likely to commit to exclusivity/monogamy and so in their minds it isn't cheating. But a researcher may just be asking questions like, "Did you have sex with anyone else?" I dunno. As far as personal experiences, I am FA and I don't cheat. However sometimes (not always) I have been in non-monogamous relationships (not that I necessarily had sex with other people regularly even when it was "allowed"). Out of everyone I've dated, my ex who I believe was AP cheated on me the most, by far. I was feeling pretty AP through most of that relationship except at the beginning. I know of a couple DAs who as far as I know don't cheat on their partners, I'd be shocked if they did. I also know DAs or strongly avoidant FAs who would never ever get into an exclusive or "serious" relationship to begin with. I know FAs who have cheated and FAs who haven't. I have an AP friend who has cheated. As for keeping other options open, or for "emotional cheating," that's another story. But most people do those things. Surveys about how many people use dating apps while in relationships are disturbing. Secure people can definitely cheat too, but do insecure styles cheat more often than secures? Probably.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2019 6:30:30 GMT
In this post I will use "cheating" for lack of a better equally concise term, even though I don't love the word and everyone has different ideas of what it means. I'm not sure if I believe the "common knowledge" that avoidant people cheat more than everyone else. The research has flaws, and results are actually mixed. For example, these studies of newlyweds specifically found that anxious partners were more likely to cheat, that partners of anxious people were also more likely to cheat, that avoidants were neither more or less likely to cheat, and that partners of avoidants were less likely to cheat. Study results also vary based on what kind of relationship the people are in. Is it cheating if you are just dating someone and haven't talked about exclusivity yet? Maybe avoidant people are less likely to commit to exclusivity/monogamy and so in their minds it isn't cheating. But a researcher may just be asking questions like, "Did you have sex with anyone else?" I dunno. As far as personal experiences, I am FA and I don't cheat. However sometimes (not always) I have been in non-monogamous relationships (not that I necessarily had sex with other people regularly even when it was "allowed"). Out of everyone I've dated, my ex who I believe was AP cheated on me the most, by far. I was feeling pretty AP through most of that relationship except at the beginning. I know of a couple DAs who as far as I know don't cheat on their partners, I'd be shocked if they did. I also know DAs or strongly avoidant FAs who would never ever get into an exclusive or "serious" relationship to begin with. I know FAs who have cheated and FAs who haven't. I have an AP friend who has cheated. As for keeping other options open, or for "emotional cheating," that's another story. But most people do those things. Surveys about how many people use dating apps while in relationships are disturbing. Secure people can definitely cheat too, but do insecure styles cheat more often than secures? Probably. Agreed and I do think AP are more likely to cheat bc of their emotional needs that they may feel aren’t being met. I think an avoidant would be more likely to break up with someone before moving on since they’re so good at saying good-bye. AP struggle with letting go
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Post by mrob on Jan 1, 2019 12:38:17 GMT
Done it. It all stems from my inability to communicate and that horrible fear that comes with attachment. It was by far the worst six weeks of my life, and the aftermath was horrendous for everyone. The guilt was so bad I attempted suicide. That’s when I first looked at this stuff.
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