Studies in Avoidance and Infidelity

I just started reading The Truth, by Neil Strauss, which seems like it's going to be all about exploring this topic!

It's good so far, but I'm not deep into it yet. I like his writing style (I read The Game and have seen some of his more "enlightened" articles and interviews since then, which have impressed me) so I expect a good read. Recommended to me by epicgum, actually

ugh that's disconcerting.


bloom, did you feel not guilt when cheating? Why cheat? For quick gratification? Or were your partners not meeting your needs?

I can't imagine doing that to someone. Would rather break it off then cheat. But then again, I'm AP, not avoidant. but still, being an avoidant shouldn't be a reason to cheat. don't engage in a relationship if you can't handle the commitment.

i'm a (i think) AP based on most recent triggering, but i just tested FA in general, so I have no clue what I am, but just in general insecure.

I do have a thing with infidelity.. when i'm really invested in someone, I don't engage in infidelity at all until I start feeling like the relationship is not going well, then I start acting out, not necessarily actually engaging in infidelity like sex or emotional connections, but I actually somewhat disconnect from my partner and then start looking at other men as options. When I'm committed and invested, nobody else is an option, but when they start becoming options, I know deep down I'm already not committed or looking/waiting for a way out. So I'm there with you bloom. I believe my ex-DA did the same. I saw his texts to other women and while they might not be indicative of sleeping with them or what not, the fact that he's texting other women in flirtatious ways already indicates to me that he needs one foot out of the door. and to be honest, i do the same.

sissyk I've been married for 15 years with one foot out the door emotionally until recently (that is, now it's more like two feet in). I think some people just need that one foot out the door in order to keep the other foot in.

I think I lean towards AP, and have never engaged in physical infidelity. Though, part of the APness was spending years single while engaging in fantasy friendships with people I thought were my soulmates, so there wasn't actually a relationship to cheat on physically.

I'm not really an emotionally monogamous person, however I've mostly thought it isn't realistic to expect emotional monogamy. Now I can see that it is much more stable and healthy relationsihp if people aren't viewing others through the lens of potential fantasy partners.

On the other hand, I think polyamory can be natural for many people, emotionally even if not in actual practice. It might also sort of violating what it means to be human to think that most people could or should be physically and emotionally monogamous with one other person for 50 years. Some people do that joyfully but most people may not be completely capable of that but could still have a fairly good marriage.

I can actually only really fantasize about one guy at a time and if I try to connect with two men even if not at one time but close in time, they blend into one person in my dreams.
I only have one slot.
When I fall out of love, I need the connection to be completely gone and I need to be in my own energy and then connect with a new person from there.
Once the connection is gone, I no longer feel any romantic or sexual attraction; that person was proven not to be valid in that role so there is no reason to go there.

I am coming from a DA/earned secure perspective, so perhaps infidelity is more of an FA thing.

Interesting question....I actually would think AP’s are more likely to cheat bc they feel they aren’t getting their emotional needs met. Once you go elsewhere for emotional needs- physical can be a quick second. I can also see how an avoidant can cheat due to the lack of developed connection to their partner.

My ex is a hard core DA and he’s never cheated on anyone at 42 years old. He would just break up with a person first- saying good-bye comes easily for him. Even after a year apart, he said it’s me or no one. He has an extremely hard exterior. If he lets another girl in his arms at all- he would’ve written me off in every way. He’ll only allow me in physically right now, not emotionally- and as much as I want more, I’m confident he won’t go there, either physically or emotionally, with anyone else. Whereas, an AP seeks validation from their partner and if not getting it, may go elsewhere. Also, an AP would have a harder time than an avoidant breaking up with someone before moving on....thus the “monkey branching” of partners with AP. That being said, I was 100% faithful to my DA and never cheated on him, but I had cheated in the past when I was younger. This is also the first time I didn’t monkey branch after a relationship ended....although we’re still seeing each other casually so maybe that’s why I’m not “branching out.”