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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 2:59:12 GMT
uh. he's a douchebag. nothing to do with attachment, nothing to do with intimacy, nothing to do with anything except he's such a jerk. that is uncalled for and absolutely disrespectful and clearly inconsiderate. period. DROP HIM IMMEDIATELYYYYYYYY. nothing to do with you at all!!!
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Post by alexandra on Dec 7, 2018 7:28:53 GMT
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Post by epicgum on Dec 7, 2018 14:30:55 GMT
Yeah, it sounds like a very poorly executed 'neg'. I think a lot of PUA and other dating advice works because it (ideally, SUBTLEY) triggers attachment wounds. Of course, yes, this is extremely messed up, but we all play a role in this if we are insecure.
It's worth wondering what changed about your friend's behavior that caused your attraction to him?
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Post by nottheonion on Dec 7, 2018 16:12:40 GMT
It’s the stupidest thing ever invented. Now I feel so offended and turned off I don’t even want to hang out with him anymore. |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 7, 2018 17:39:38 GMT
Yeah, it sounds like a very poorly executed 'neg'. I think a lot of PUA and other dating advice works because it (ideally, SUBTLEY) triggers attachment wounds. Of course, yes, this is extremely messed up, but we all play a role in this if we are insecure. It's worth wondering what changed about your friend's behavior that caused your attraction to him? Yeah we always make fun of each other but there’s usually some context there. This was literally a “woh wtf?” to me. It goes to show that we are probably more suitable as friends. The avoidant side of me just thinks it’s easier to avoid him rather than communicating. We were really good friends until he confessed that he liked me and couldn’t bear to be my friend anymore. We stopped talking for a year and I always wondered what would happen if I gave it a try. So I asked him out. We had fun. We hooked up. The sex was great. Now I just don’t wanna talk to him anymore. We weren’t talking for a year anyways. I may have spoken too soon as to his intentions--perhaps he was passively expressing repressed anger at being rejected in the past, or trying to gain or regain power that he had, make you chase him, make you jealous, get your attention etc. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 7, 2018 20:15:46 GMT
Yeah we always make fun of each other but there’s usually some context there. This was literally a “woh wtf?” to me. It goes to show that we are probably more suitable as friends. The avoidant side of me just thinks it’s easier to avoid him rather than communicating. We were really good friends until he confessed that he liked me and couldn’t bear to be my friend anymore. We stopped talking for a year and I always wondered what would happen if I gave it a try. So I asked him out. We had fun. We hooked up. The sex was great. Now I just don’t wanna talk to him anymore. We weren’t talking for a year anyways. I may have spoken too soon as to his intentions--perhaps he was passively expressing repressed anger at being rejected in the past, or trying to gain or regain power that he had, make you chase him, make you jealous, get your attention etc. Negging is stupid, and I agree that when it works it's because it's triggering attachment injury and insecurity. But it's also not always intentional. Some guys do it unconsciously out of insecurity. No matter why he's doing it, don't take it personally. You can call him out on it being an insulting and inappropriate thing to say, and it's up to you if you want to keep hanging out with him. But don't let this one guy's poor judgment shake your confidence and turn you off from dating totally. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 8, 2018 1:05:37 GMT
He does sound immature (how old is he?) But given the context that you do have some history of teasing each other and this thus wasn't TOTALLY out of the blue, I think you should talk to him about it before you retreat and give up. However, if it keeps happening, then buh-bye.
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Post by chipper on Dec 8, 2018 15:08:34 GMT
Negging is stupid, and I agree that when it works it's because it's triggering attachment injury and insecurity. But it's also not always intentional. Some guys do it unconsciously out of insecurity. No matter why he's doing it, don't take it personally. You can call him out on it being an insulting and inappropriate thing to say, and it's up to you if you want to keep hanging out with him. But don't let this one guy's poor judgment shake your confidence and turn you off from dating totally. Yes he is definitely insecure in some ways. Everyone is. I’ve known him for over two years now and he has been nothing but wonderful to me as a friend, until that comment. Just couldve never imagined him saying things like this in that circumstance. I don’t know whether I should keep hanging out with him. I just don’t even know what he can say to make me feel better. I don’t think I’m insecire about my looks. I’ve always felt prettier than my friend (as in I’m happy in my own skin and I wouldn’t want to be her instead of myself in any way). It’s just that he felt the need to attack me was really really hurtful. Maybe he didn’t mean it but I just don’t know. You should ask him about it, especially if you’ve joked with each other in the past. It’s a text message, so jokes, body language, and tone don’t come across. He may have been trying to make you laugh. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 8, 2018 18:06:11 GMT
So been dating this guy I’ve known for a long time previously. Sent him a pic of me and my best friends saying we are having a good time. That’s all. Out of nowhere he said straight away “woh your friend is so much prettier than you”. That really upset me. Now my friend is very pretty and some people find her prettier whereas others find me prettier so it’s really just a matter of preference. I don’t have a problem with that but he made that comment out of nowhere to me. It was just plain rude. That was a huge trigger to me. I didnt know what to say so I said thanks? He said no I’m joking you’re prettier haha blah blah I was on the verge of crying cos it reminded me of all these immature things and shitty work that I have to go through with a relationship. I seriously rather be alone than going through all these “drama” again. It reminded me of all the depression and teary eyes I went through. He liked me for a long time but I didn’t become attracted to him until recently. We had a lot of fun and he was one of my closest friends. But seriously. Fuck this. Yes it’s triggering me big time thinking if he was so quick to say my friend is prettier, maybe I’m not his type and he didn’t like me that much from the start anyways. No I don’t want to talk. It wasn’t even on the top of my list to make an issue of it. I just dont want to speak to him now. It’s too much trouble and too much headache. I have more peace on my own. Hmm...that’s surprising to hear someone would say that but depending on how he normally talks and treats you would probably allow you to put it in the proper context. If that’s normal for him to make comments like that- then he may have said it impulsively, without thinking. However, if it is normal behavior for him, I’d drop his bc I find it rude. I don’t treat my partner like that so I expect the same consideration in return. He sounds thoughtless and immature to me. Nothing to do w attachment style. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 8, 2018 18:40:06 GMT
I’m sorry you’d rather be alone over trying with another. This is one person that said a jerk thing. Don’t push it all away over one person.
I’m sorry for any of you that shut down because of what people do, I’m not capable of that. Sure I go into isolation periods(I’m in one now) to heal/do my thing but I always come out and keep going. Nobody will keep me down, ever. I’ll climb back up that mountain that said person or thing pushed me down. And I’ve been burned, crapped on, lied to, abused, etc. I will never lose faith in myself or others even kissing toads till my prince comes.
I hope all of you can heal and get to a secure place where nothing stops you. ❤️
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