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Post by mrob on Dec 10, 2018 14:51:02 GMT
I seemingly always get to a point where I feel I just cannot give them what they want. I know from experience, if I don’t stand up, things escalate quickly and I’ll end up conforming entirely to someone else’s agenda and in a situation I don’t want. mrob is it true that you'll end up conforming to someone elses agenda, or is it just in yout head? Ie. Do you know that you won't be able to say "no" to a situation that is bad for you, or are you just afraid that you won't be able to? You’re talking to a bloke that’s been married twice, both of which I had real reservations about, but really tried in. I had real problems with this attachment stuff within myself that I just had to bury to get on with it. No doubt the attachment stuff and the attending protest behaviour was what really killed the 2nd marriage though. Since then, it’s been a nightmare. What I tried to bury within marriages has played out very loudly post marriage. 867, everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants what they want. Everyone has a vision for their life and where another fits in. It’s just a matter of how covertly this vision is expressed. If I were to quote a song it would be Glen Campbell’s “Gentle On My Mind”.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 11, 2018 18:50:50 GMT
mrob is it true that you'll end up conforming to someone elses agenda, or is it just in yout head? Ie. Do you know that you won't be able to say "no" to a situation that is bad for you, or are you just afraid that you won't be able to? You’re talking to a bloke that’s been married twice, both of which I had real reservations about, but really tried in. I had real problems with this attachment stuff within myself that I just had to bury to get on with it. No doubt the attachment stuff and the attending protest behaviour was what really killed the 2nd marriage though. Since then, it’s been a nightmare. What I tried to bury within marriages has played out very loudly post marriage. 867, everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants what they want. Everyone has a vision for their life and where another fits in. It’s just a matter of how covertly this vision is expressed. If I were to quote a song it would be Glen Campbell’s “Gentle On My Mind”. Reason that I ask mrob is that for myself, I think I've realized that my commitment phobia partially stems from a lack of ability to pursue my own needs (or even to admit to myself that I have needs) and a doubt that I would have the courage to fix or leave a marriage that wasn't working for me. In that context, I think it actually makes a lot of sense to have a fear of commitment.
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Post by sissyk on Dec 14, 2018 13:12:26 GMT
If I were to quote a song it would be Glen Campbell’s “Gentle On My Mind”. Ha! We could do a duet....
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 21, 2019 15:35:31 GMT
mrob is it true that you'll end up conforming to someone elses agenda, or is it just in yout head? Ie. Do you know that you won't be able to say "no" to a situation that is bad for you, or are you just afraid that you won't be able to? My 2 cents here. This sound like you are reacting to another's agenda, instead of setting your own. Is that part of the typical dynamic? Again, just groping towards understanding..... As the other half, I think we end up in exhausted confusion initiating these talks to try to clarify the blurry, confusing, mystery mutual agenda..... I wonder if it truly isn’t a partner’s agenda at all..but the perception of an agenda that developed very early on. I don’t know from personal experience, but if trauma is what is at the root of the fearful avoidant attachment, then trauma involves pain associated with someone else’s agenda...whether that agenda is overt or covert doesn’t matter...I can only think then that relationships in general carry many mixed feelings and a tendency to be considering someone else’s “agenda” and whether one can actually meet it. I wonder if a person with FA attachment does best with a person who provides lots of latitude for an FA to shift through all their feelings and does not take it personally.
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Post by happyidiot on Apr 26, 2019 7:37:52 GMT
My 2 cents here. This sound like you are reacting to another's agenda, instead of setting your own. Is that part of the typical dynamic? Again, just groping towards understanding..... As the other half, I think we end up in exhausted confusion initiating these talks to try to clarify the blurry, confusing, mystery mutual agenda..... I wonder if it truly isn’t a partner’s agenda at all..but the perception of an agenda that developed very early on. I don’t know from personal experience, but if trauma is what is at the root of the fearful avoidant attachment, then trauma involves pain associated with someone else’s agenda...whether that agenda is overt or covert doesn’t matter...I can only think then that relationships in general carry many mixed feelings and a tendency to be considering someone else’s “agenda” and whether one can actually meet it. I wonder if a person with FA attachment does best with a person who provides lots of latitude for an FA to shift through all their feelings and does not take it personally. Yes, I think we FAs can perceive agendas where they may not exist. We were often abused (whether physically or emotionally), so we may have learned from a young age to analyze a person's every word and action and try to figure out what they are thinking or will do next or want and modify our behavior in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. We were trained to be on constant alert to threats and we are good at detecting them but we also get many false-positives when there actually is no threat. We were trained to please others and are out of touch with our own needs. So it's a real fear that we might get caught up in doing what we perceive someone else wants and end up feeling trapped. However, that tendency is not set in stone! We can work on it. I think anyone does best with someone who provides a lot of latitude for their partner to shift through all their feelings and doesn't take it personally.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 26, 2019 11:35:23 GMT
I wonder if it truly isn’t a partner’s agenda at all..but the perception of an agenda that developed very early on. I don’t know from personal experience, but if trauma is what is at the root of the fearful avoidant attachment, then trauma involves pain associated with someone else’s agenda...whether that agenda is overt or covert doesn’t matter...I can only think then that relationships in general carry many mixed feelings and a tendency to be considering someone else’s “agenda” and whether one can actually meet it. I wonder if a person with FA attachment does best with a person who provides lots of latitude for an FA to shift through all their feelings and does not take it personally. Yes, I think we FAs can perceive agendas where they may not exist. We were often abused (whether physically or emotionally), so we may have learned from a young age to analyze a person's every word and action and try to figure out what they are thinking or will do next or want and modify our behavior in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. We were trained to be on constant alert to threats and we are good at detecting them but we also get many false-positives when there actually is no threat. We were trained to please others and are out of touch with our own needs. So it's a real fear that we might get caught up in doing what we perceive someone else wants and end up feeling trapped. However, that tendency is not set in stone! We can work on it. I think anyone does best with someone who provides a lot of latitude for their partner to shift through all their feelings and doesn't take it personally. Hey Happyidiot...thank you for replying...and yes, I agree that all insecure would do best with someone who provides latitude to their partner. It really is a shame that we tend to trigger the wounding in someone else with our own learned coping mechanisms. I know that I must have triggered B so much with my desire to understand where our relationship was headed. It must have felt like so much pressure and expectation.
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