Advise for family gatherings, Christmas grief ect

On the positive side, last Christmas with all my children was hilarious, fun, relaxed and just as it should be - so hoping for that all over again!!!!

The first sentence made me LOL.

This reminds me of advice a friend of mine gave that in such situations pretend you're an anthropologist observing another culture. In other words, not judging or being invested-- just observing. "What an interesting thing that person did."

I think people often get upset with family because people have different ideas about what they want from the day. Like one person wants to be able to end the day vegging in front of the TV and the other wants their rare time together to be more interactive. People try to tolerate each other's different desires, but resentment can build to negative effect. I think Anne's right that part of the thing to do here is take responsibility one way or another instead of thinking it's the other person's fault for not contributing to the vision.

It can get complex with personality types though. For example, often one person is a planner and wants to plan things out, and another person either hates to plan or can't plan and they have to reach some sort of compromise. The planner will have to plan their own thing and accept that others may or may not join in the plan, or find a way to tolerate only partial planning or accept that planning isn't going to happen.

I have a funny example though. I REALLY wanted my Thanksgiving to involve a chocolate cream pie. My mother in her well intention thus bought a chocolate pecan pie (SO not the same thing!!) I kind of wanted to get upset about the fact that the ONE thing I wanted wasn't going to happen, and decided to just accept it and get myself a chocolate cream pie some other time.... It's sort of silly because it's just about pie, but it struck me as being symbolic of this whole thing-- we have our vision and others may not meet our vision even if they do their best to try, and often they can't or won't or will be after their own vision or want there to not even be a vision and maybe we have to just enjoy the chocolate pecan pie the best we can. After all, it isn't really about the pie. I mean, the family is still hanging out together.

.
Self-esteem and Christmas

Self-love and the family of childhood
Most people feel less like themselves around their childhood family.

Roles and masks thrive well in our childhood family

Parents can see us through their own trauma, their own personality type and the relationship we had with them when we were children - 8, 10 years Old ect. - but which is no longer relevant.

Roles and masks can feel unauthentic to us to be in

Before you are going to be with your familiy you can prepare yourself:

Meditate
Do grounding exercises
Be in nature
Breathe
ect.

The Human to Human level:
Find out:
How do you stay in relationship with yourself when you are with your family?

Look at each person from your family and your relationshipship to that person
How can you be authentic to each and every person ?

The spiritual level:
Meditation
Look at those you need to be with at the soul level.
At the soullevel there is only love.
Look at the person with love, put your hand on your heart.. Imaginge that you also put a hand on the heart of the other person
Feel your heart connection.
Watch yourself kiss the other on the forehead
Feel the heart connection between you
Kiss the other person's feet
Wish the other well and wish the person love

At the human level, however, we still have to set boundaries, take breakes at the toilet, go outside ect.

A spirituel psycologist, self worth specialist

Christmas grief

We all carry Christmas grief

When I decided to write a blog post about Christmas grief up to Christmas, it was for the purpose of writing about deep grief and to those who have just lost, because if you have, then Christmas can be a difficult time.
After diving into the topic of "Christmas grief", however, it has dawned on me that the topic is relevant to everyone.

Christmas grief is both the deep grief when we have lost, but it is also the more common and quiet grief we all encounter at Christmas.
It can be sadness over things that change, disappointed Christmas expectations, sadness and fatigue in the dark winter time, family conflicts flaring up or just an indefinable feeling of melancholy.

What we are very easily going to do is to suppress the Christmas grief.
We probably do this because we forget that without Christmas sorrow/grief there is no Christmas joy.
It applies to emotions (all year round) that we can not sort out into them and choose to only label those we think are comfortable and fit into our plans. In return, we give ourselves a great gift when we allow ourselves to feel the Christmas grief. In it there will also be room for joy.

Why is Christmas a difficult time for many who have lost?
It is said that Christmas is the feast of hearts. After all, we celebrate not only the birth of Jesus but a message of love that most of us believe in, no matter how religious or non religious we are. That is why we have a tradition of celebrating Christmas with those we love. If you have lost, then Christmas will be a reminder of the loss and all that you have lost.
At the same time, grief and love are inextricably linked, and one of the things that is difficult when you have lost a loved one is. that you are reminded of grief every time you are reminded of love. And you will be at Christmas time.

What can you do as a grief sufferer to have as good a Christmas as possible?
If you have the opportunity, it can be helpful to celebrate Christmas with people you care about. What helps the grieving person the most is often presence and loving togetherness, as it provides comfort or relief in grief and loss.
If this is the first Christmas to celebrate after losing, it may be a good idea to plan Christmas and consider how it will be held, when it will now be different than when the lost person was alive.

If the opportunity is present, it may help to consider what wishes one may have for a new Christmas tradition when Christmas is to be held on new terms. And then it is important not to set expectations too high.
The first times you have to celebrate Christmas without a loved one can be emotionally difficult, so you have to prepare for it and take it into account in the planning.

As an adult, keep in mind that children grieve a little differently than adults.
Of course, they are just as sad and missing, but they do not have the same emotional maturity as adults nor the same overview or perspective. It is therefore good reason to provide extra support to children in grief, talk to them about the feelings and explain to them what is happening and be aware of their needs and how they understand the loss and grief. Since children do not understand the full picture, they will often put together some explanations of what is happening from their own point of view (eg they can blame themselves). Therefore, they need extra explanations and help to understand their emotional reactions.
However, children are usually good at switching between emotions and going in and out of grief, and you should finally let them do that.
When it comes to celebrating Christmas with children affected by grief, it is good to normalize things as much as possible, so that the children experience recognizability. They also need to have fun and be happy, so that one is not sad all the time. However, it is also important to talk about the person who is not present so that they build a relationship of death and loss.

What would the deceased have said in a particular situation, or what did he or she like at Christmas. You can also do this by remembering the person who has died, building up a ritual of visiting the grave on Christmas Eve, hanging a piece of decoration on the Christmas tree that the person liked, so that the person who is lost is also in the heart and in the memories.

What is good to know if you have just lost?
That it is probably some of the most emotionally painful and stressful one can come across, but that it will get better with time.
It's not because the grief passes or you ever forget the one who is lost, but because the grief feels a little less or becomes a little less painful over time.
However grief is hard work and can be a very difficult time. Therefore, it is important to take seriously that grief triggers many emotions and one can feel very vulnerable.
It can be a good idea to pay extra attention to what you need, how to take extra good care of yourself and focus on doing something nice for yourself.

Anything that provides some relief or pause from the difficult emotions can be helpful. Immediately after losing, it is very specific things such as sleep, food, exercise and stability in everyday life that must be in focus.

What is the best thing to do at Christmas for others you know who are affected by grief?
People who are affected by grief usually need extra support, knowing you care about them and think about them. Often they want to remember the deceased and talk about the one who is dead. The best thing you can give people in grief is presence and to listen to how they experience the grief, as well as talk to them about what the deceased meant to them.
Of course, we are all a little different in our grief reaction, and therefore it may be a good idea to ask how the grieving person experiences the grief ect.
Some mourners will think it is a good support that a meal is prepared for them, or they are invited out for a walk or for a cup of coffee. If in doubt, you can ask: What do you miss? What do you need ?
 
It's about not being too triggered by the emotional reactions, so you avoid talking about what fills the mourner all the time. On the other hand - if the mourner says, now I can no longer talk about grief and loss, the  you have to let it go and talk about something else

If the Christmas grief is part of your December - and it is for all of us to a greater or lesser degree - then make room for it. Give it space, but if it's big, do not let it become overpowering.
The best gift you can give to others is attention and presence, and this especially applies to Christmas grief - both your own and others'.

It is important to be able to move between two “tracks” when it comes to grief.
On the one hand, it is important to be able to be in grief and feel it fully, so that sadness can take place and painful emotions can run free and naturally.
On the other hand, it is just as important to be able to take a break from grief by focusing on something else and by getting started on the ordinary, practical and joyful things.
And now that it's Christmas, there's a lot to look forward to and get started on.
So - make room for the Christmas grief, and also allow yourself to rejoice. It all belongs!

A grief expert and a psykologist ❤️

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/care-for-your-inner-child-during-the-holidays

4 Ways To Care For Your Inner Child When You're Home For The Holidays

1. Tend to your inner child before you go.
Pregames aren't just for sports. When a friend of mine had to see very challenging family members for a funeral, I told her to prepare like she was training for the mental health Olympics. You wouldn't expect to do well at a marathon without training, and you can't expect to feel good seeing challenging family without upping your self-care beforehand.

One helpful practice is to make a list of any worries or concerns you have. Worried your dad is going to ask you to explain exactly why you bought that car? Concerned you won't get any downtime? Write all of that down.

When you're done, take a breath and put your hand on your heart. This is a very effective way of coming back to your body and bringing your inner adult online. Once you're in the right headspace (which is really a heart space, #sorrynotsorry), talk to your inner child about the feeling underneath the concerns on the page. It may feel awkward at first, and you don't have to do it out loud. But the truth is we all talk to ourselves anyway, so why not make it a consciously validating conversation?

Throughout it, make sure that you are talking to your inner child with compassion and concern. You aren't talking your inner child out of their feelings; you're validating them. And yes, all their feelings are valid. That doesn't mean you have to do everything your inner child wants, but hearing them will help calm you down.

From there, you can decide on some practical strategies to help you feel better when you're with family. (Scheduled naps perhaps? Make some conversations off-limits from the start?). And bonus: You also just did a tiny reprogramming of that old subconscious way of reacting to family habits.

2. Stay mindful of your reactions.
Mindfulness is half the battle with any kind of relational issues but especially when we slip into old dynamics that haven't been supportive. You can't fix what you don't see, and it's very easy to not see family patterns that have been at play since you were born.

Your first step is noticing when you feel any kind of charged reaction. Say you find yourself flying into a rage when your mom asks you to take out the garbage. Before you may have stuffed down the reaction, but now try to notice the feeling with curiosity and think, Hmm that's interesting, I just got really angry. I wonder what that's about. It's important to not judge yourself here because that will skew the information. If you think, What's my (expletive) problem? All she asked was for me to take out the garbage, your inner child won't feel safe enough to deliver a helpful answer.

If you have time in the moment to hear what your inner child has to say ("I never had a choice growing up; she just always ordered me around"), that's great. But even just noticing the reaction will help you get some distance from it, and that distance will give you a wider perspective.

3. Practice acceptance.
No, this does not mean ignoring your boundaries. No, your sister is still not allowed to pull you aside to talk about your kid's diet and how Trix really shouldn't be for kids. But it does mean that you stop trying to change her.

A wonderful mantra to use in these situations is, "Can I let this person be who this person is?" If necessary, repeat this in your head while carrying out the conversation. Stepping away from your need to change someone shifts your mental energy from focusing on them to listening to your inner child.

4. Do a postgame check-in.
After the gathering, it's time to ask yourself, How you feeling, boo? (That’s actually what I call my inner child, believe it or not). This post-check is an important time to allow your inner child to feel heard. It will also help you avoid carrying resentment from the holidays around with you.

As you check in with boo (admit it, you like the name!), mentally review one triggering event at a time. If you find yourself getting upset all over again, that's a sign you have merged with your inner child. Take a breath, put your hand on your heart, and do your best to get back into feeling the compassion of the inner adult. Whenever you are in that place, ask your inner child what they need from you now.

Spoiler alert: Most of the time, it's just to be seen and/or loved and validated. Sometimes the inner child will want you to do something like set a boundary. Sometimes they'll want you to handle whatever is coming up so they can go off and have fun. But just the act of acknowledging that your feelings really do matter is enough to change the family dynamic as you used to know it.

The bottom line.
Your inner child can represent unresolved childhood feelings and/or trauma. When you can prepare them adequately so that they feel safe before a daunting experience knowing that you (the adult) will take care of things, you can make any situation—family or otherwise—feel more tolerable and maybe even enjoyable.

www.instagram.com/reel/C1DaREyJ9vs/?igsh=dHI2djg1em9lMmdz

How to create a holiday bingo