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Post by maria38 on Dec 12, 2018 23:07:03 GMT
Hello there,
Sorry in advance if this post is veryyy long but I need some insight.
I am 35 years old and believe I am more of the Anxious type and therefore tend to attract (or to be attracted to DA) in an unconscious way I guess...
I have had one long-term relationship for 5 years in my twenties and after that many short-term relationships (a few months to a year) with what I consider DA men.
I am writing today because I met a man this summer who broke up with me one month ago and I am still utterly confused by his behavior and wonder if he could be a DA. He broke up saying we were too different and saying a lot of contradictory things which leave me confused, and wondering if I had done or said something wrong...
We met on holiday in Italy. He is Italian and he lives in Italy, while I live in France.
When we met, it seemed we were getting along very well with each other, he seemed sensitive, caring, and we were having lots of common values and interests (the importance of family, loyalty, travelling and learning foreign languages, etc.), we were very attracted to each other and of course the holiday setting made it magic. At first, I thought I stepped on a golden mine, THE secure man I had been looking for... I even thought he was much "too" serious compared to me, as I have been living in other countries, been changing jobs and taken more risks in my life compared to him.
He has indeed been working in the same company for 15 years, 42 years old and had been with someone for 10 years (a German girl who moved in with him for several years but it ended 3 years ago as she didn´t want to have kids), he cared for his family that he visited often and often took care of hisnephew and niece.
He was very warm with me from the start, calling me his darling, saying he had never been feeling so peaceful with someone, committing to me early on (we were in a "relationship") and saying I was "different", acting with me as if I was about to be his future wife.
Perhaps I have not been careful enough, as there were maybe details and "red flags"... First, he was very stressed when we left each other after the holiday because he was very attached to his city and didn´t plan to leave Italy (I live now in France). I told him I would not be against moving one day to Italy (if it worked between us of course). I have been living on other countries, as I said, and at the time I was unemployed and thought, why not? but I felt some insecurity and doubt from his side from the start, he said something like "I can never be sure 100%" .. On holiday he was sometimes "absent", like completely ignoring the outer world, including me.. Coming to me with a big smile and hug, and ignoring me for hours afterwards... But this I realize it a bit later I guess.
When he went back to his country, he kept sending me pictures of him and texts every single day, and he invited me to his place for a week-end.
Our cities are reachable by a 2 hours flight and I thought that even if it was long distance we could take it step by step and see . We used to speak English and French together as he speaks a bit of French too.
When I arrived there, he was very attentionate, warm, taking me in his arms, took care of breakfast, bought flowers and so on...But sometimes very strange. He was not listening much when I spoke or didn´t speak much of himself.. He was like totally absent, looking at me, saying "hu, hu" but his eyes were completely empty...I thought he was maybe the talkative type....
He introduced me to his family on this first week-end.... It was his niece´s birthday and he introduced me as his girlfriend. He asked me if I wanted children and said he was happy he finally found someone simple. I was a bit frightened but at the same time flattered and happy to meet someone who wants to commit finally.
However, the last night, the lack of deeper talk made me fall into tears,...I just felt like he was including me in his world but didn´t care to know more about me at all... I had felt as if I could not be myself completely as every attempt I made to get closer by talking he was ignoring me or even move his lips while I was talking (as if he was talking to himself..).
I thought maybe I am just too stressed, we had a talk this night and thought everything was ok.
He brought me back to the airport and we said he should visit me in France soon.
He kept telling how much he missed me while I was away and we called each other regularly and texted. I asked him often when he planned to come as he didn´t give me a date and even wondered if he still wanted to come...but he reassured me and told me he still wanted to come but he was working too much to take days off as he wanted to come for a full week. He said he would find a way while still telling me how much he missed me and suffered from me not being here.
I was starting to take Italian lessons and he was also going back to his French classes. However, when we skyped he was sometimes "there" and other times absent, in the same way I described before, not listening what I said, almost ignoring everything I said...I told him and he said he cared but in his eyes I just saw absence. I realized that sometimes he would also look at me in a arrogant manner...Little by little, as if everything I said could be the wrong word...I often felt as if I was passing an "exam" with him. The "exam" to know if I was the good woman for him..
One day, he calls me to talk about the future. He wanted to know how I saw the future with him as I was living far etc. I told him we had to meet more often first before making a decision but that it could be possible for me to come to Italy but not right now (I needed him to make a move first to visit me in my country!). He said he didn´t want to wait for years, that he wanted to have kids etc. that we will suffer from the distance.
I told him it didn´t have to take years, perhaps a few months or so...and meanwhile we could work on meeting each other more often...That sure it was a challenge to have different cultures but that our differences could be a plus too! He also worked A LOT during this time like 12 hours per day...so even when I told him I could be the one visiting him, it was not possible because he was working even during the week-end sometimes....
This discussion about the future kept ongoing for weeks, I could not concentrate on anything anymore, and the strangest thing to me is that instead of giving solutions for the future, like planning flights, and planning how I could perhaps find a work in Italy for instance, he would always be negative...He was putting pressure on my shoulders, I gave him all the possible solutions and he would see all as impossible day after day, while he kept telling me I was his "darling" and that he "missed me every single day". I also told him I could not move RIGHT NOW as it was much too early (we had met twice...).
When I met him he told me he was the "patient type" but all I could see at this point is a man who is freaking out and demanding committments to me, that himself could not even hold (he was not even able to take a flight ticket to see me for 2 days!).
One day, after he told me a few days before that he was "in love with me", he calls me to say that this is requiring too much energy for him, that maybe he has not enough feelings, maybe we are too different, that it hurts him to leave me but it is better this way, all that was said in a very cold manner and almost "arrogant" tone...I was shocked, after he made me wait for several months (I was waiting for his visit!) and as I told him, he didn´t even give us a real chance, wich is to take small steps fisrt and to get to know each other in "real" before making future plans. He said he didn´t want to wait but at the same time, he never told me directly "come to Italy, I want you to move here". All his demands were always very blurry and I had to guess what he wanted..
I wonder if anything he said was genuine, I have many questions running in my head. After his long relationship, I know he dated different girls, and almost all of them lived abroad! I don´t understand why he would date people long distance and then complain that they are not living in his city..
I might not have picked up the clues early on but I also remember him saying that almost all his exes were full of defects..Like this one uses too much the phone, this other one I cut her off my life...As I understood it, most of them came to live in HIS flat, and he never made a move. He asked them to come to his place. Also he spoke of relationships often in terms of material things, like he brought "his flat" and "his garage" in a relationships, but as I told him emotional support is not material and is needed in a relationship! His answer to that is, "A partner is not a psychologist, you know my brother doesn´t have time to talk all the time with his partner with the kids and all"...
I need your advice. I am not planning to get back together with him but I am wondering what I did wrong in here and if yes or no I fell for a DA...
Can a DA show so much care and then shut you off and find one million excuses at once?
Thank you and again sorry for the long text :-) (and the grammar mistakes, I am not a native speaker ;-))
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 12, 2018 23:38:00 GMT
Hello there, Sorry in advance if this post is veryyy long but I need some insight. I am 35 years old and believe I am more of the Anxious type and therefore tend to attract (or to be attracted to DA) in an unconscious way I guess... I have had one long-term relationship for 5 years in my twenties and after that many short-term relationships (a few months to a year) with what I consider DA men. I am writing today because I met a man this summer who broke up with me one month ago and I am still utterly confused by his behavior and wonder if he could be a DA. He broke up saying we were too different and saying a lot of contradictory things which leave me confused, and wondering if I had done or said something wrong... We met on holiday in Italy. He is Italian and he lives in Italy, while I live in France. When we met, it seemed we were getting along very well with each other, he seemed sensitive, caring, and we were having lots of common values and interests (the importance of family, loyalty, travelling and learning foreign languages, etc.), we were very attracted to each other and of course the holiday setting made it magic. At first, I thought I stepped on a golden mine, THE secure man I had been looking for... I even thought he was much "too" serious compared to me, as I have been living in other countries, been changing jobs and taken more risks in my life compared to him. He has indeed been working in the same company for 15 years, 42 years old and had been with someone for 10 years (a German girl who moved in with him for several years but it ended 3 years ago as she didn´t want to have kids), he cared for his family that he visited often and often took care of hisnephew and niece. He was very warm with me from the start, calling me his darling, saying he had never been feeling so peaceful with someone, committing to me early on (we were in a "relationship") and saying I was "different", acting with me as if I was about to be his future wife. Perhaps I have not been careful enough, as there were maybe details and "red flags"... First, he was very stressed when we left each other after the holiday because he was very attached to his city and didn´t plan to leave Italy (I live now in France). I told him I would not be against moving one day to Italy (if it worked between us of course). I have been living on other countries, as I said, and at the time I was unemployed and thought, why not? but I felt some insecurity and doubt from his side from the start, he said something like "I can never be sure 100%" .. On holiday he was sometimes "absent", like completely ignoring the outer world, including me.. Coming to me with a big smile and hug, and ignoring me for hours afterwards... But this I realize it a bit later I guess. When he went back to his country, he kept sending me pictures of him and texts every single day, and he invited me to his place for a week-end. Our cities are reachable by a 2 hours flight and I thought that even if it was long distance we could take it step by step and see . We used to speak English and French together as he speaks a bit of French too. When I arrived there, he was very attentionate, warm, taking me in his arms, took care of breakfast, bought flowers and so on...But sometimes very strange. He was not listening much when I spoke or didn´t speak much of himself.. He was like totally absent, looking at me, saying "hu, hu" but his eyes were completely empty...I thought he was maybe the talkative type.... He introduced me to his family on this first week-end.... It was his niece´s birthday and he introduced me as his girlfriend. He asked me if I wanted children and said he was happy he finally found someone simple. I was a bit frightened but at the same time flattered and happy to meet someone who wants to commit finally. However, the last night, the lack of deeper talk made me fall into tears,...I just felt like he was including me in his world but didn´t care to know more about me at all... I had felt as if I could not be myself completely as every attempt I made to get closer by talking he was ignoring me or even move his lips while I was talking (as if he was talking to himself..). I thought maybe I am just too stressed, we had a talk this night and thought everything was ok. He brought me back to the airport and we said he should visit me in France soon. He kept telling how much he missed me while I was away and we called each other regularly and texted. I asked him often when he planned to come as he didn´t give me a date and even wondered if he still wanted to come...but he reassured me and told me he still wanted to come but he was working too much to take days off as he wanted to come for a full week. He said he would find a way while still telling me how much he missed me and suffered from me not being here. I was starting to take Italian lessons and he was also going back to his French classes. However, when we skyped he was sometimes "there" and other times absent, in the same way I described before, not listening what I said, almost ignoring everything I said...I told him and he said he cared but in his eyes I just saw absence. I realized that sometimes he would also look at me in a arrogant manner...Little by little, as if everything I said could be the wrong word...I often felt as if I was passing an "exam" with him. The "exam" to know if I was the good woman for him.. One day, he calls me to talk about the future. He wanted to know how I saw the future with him as I was living far etc. I told him we had to meet more often first before making a decision but that it could be possible for me to come to Italy but not right now (I needed him to make a move first to visit me in my country!). He said he didn´t want to wait for years, that he wanted to have kids etc. that we will suffer from the distance. I told him it didn´t have to take years, perhaps a few months or so...and meanwhile we could work on meeting each other more often...That sure it was a challenge to have different cultures but that our differences could be a plus too! He also worked A LOT during this time like 12 hours per day...so even when I told him I could be the one visiting him, it was not possible because he was working even during the week-end sometimes.... This discussion about the future kept ongoing for weeks, I could not concentrate on anything anymore, and the strangest thing to me is that instead of giving solutions for the future, like planning flights, and planning how I could perhaps find a work in Italy for instance, he would always be negative...He was putting pressure on my shoulders, I gave him all the possible solutions and he would see all as impossible day after day, while he kept telling me I was his "darling" and that he "missed me every single day". I also told him I could not move RIGHT NOW as it was much too early (we had met twice...). When I met him he told me he was the "patient type" but all I could see at this point is a man who is freaking out and demanding committments to me, that himself could not even hold (he was not even able to take a flight ticket to see me for 2 days!). One day, after he told me a few days before that he was "in love with me", he calls me to say that this is requiring too much energy for him, that maybe he has not enough feelings, maybe we are too different, that it hurts him to leave me but it is better this way, all that was said in a very cold manner and almost "arrogant" tone...I was shocked, after he made me wait for several months (I was waiting for his visit!) and as I told him, he didn´t even give us a real chance, wich is to take small steps fisrt and to get to know each other in "real" before making future plans. He said he didn´t want to wait but at the same time, he never told me directly "come to Italy, I want you to move here". All his demands were always very blurry and I had to guess what he wanted.. I wonder if anything he said was genuine, I have many questions running in my head. After his long relationship, I know he dated different girls, and almost all of them lived abroad! I don´t understand why he would date people long distance and then complain that they are not living in his city.. I might not have picked up the clues early on but I also remember him saying that almost all his exes were full of defects..Like this one uses too much the phone, this other one I cut her off my life...As I understood it, most of them came to live in HIS flat, and he never made a move. He asked them to come to his place. Also he spoke of relationships often in terms of material things, like he brought "his flat" and "his garage" in a relationships, but as I told him emotional support is not material and is needed in a relationship! His answer to that is, "A partner is not a psychologist, you know my brother doesn´t have time to talk all the time with his partner with the kids and all"... I need your advice. I am not planning to get back together with him but I am wondering what I did wrong in here and if yes or no I fell for a DA... Can a DA show so much care and then shut you off and find one million excuses at once? Thank you and again sorry for the long text :-) (and the grammar mistakes, I am not a native speaker ;-)) Hi Maria38...welcome to the forum. Actually you’re writing is wonderful- I’m an English teacher so I notice these things! Sorry for what you’re going through- he definitely sounds DA to me. I also fell for a DA a year and a half ago- knowing nothing about attachment style back then and getting completely swept off my feet by this man who was loving, attentive, bought me fresh flowers every couple weeks and wanted me by his side “forever.” I was his “best and last” and he was by far the best man I’ve ever dated. He was easy to fall for and easy to love. Then, the 6 month mark hit and he was beginning to withdraw and shut down on me. He was never much of a talker, but now it seemed he was irritated by my talking and wouldn’t even hear me. I felt like I was now an unwelcome intruder in his house. He was disinterested and barely tolerating me for a few weeks and I also felt like I was trying to pass some kind of test. He stopped hand holding and saying “I love you” first. I walked on egg shells for those weeks in order to keep him from leaving- it didn’t work. He said he didn’t feel the same way anymore and he didn’t know if it was him, me or us. I honestly believed this guy when he said he wanted me by his side always. As much as I can’t imagine giving up after a handful of minor conflicts, that’s what avoidants do in order to protect themselves and reinforce their beliefs that relationships don’t last and they’re better off alone. My ex DA is also 42 (I’m 43) and since his divorce 7 years has left woman after woman because he was unwilling to commit and also for minor reasons, such as you stated, bad smelling perfume etc. He said he would leave for the simplest reasons. Avoidants find reasons to shut down and run. I don’t think there’s anything you could’ve done differently or better in your situation. He sounds like another DA who hit an emotional wall after getting caught up in the allure and excitement that a real relationship and connection is actually possible. It’s a fantasy to them. A year later and my ex DA will see me once or twice a month but remains distant with walls around his heart. It’s sad, really. Sorry you’re going through this- you’re not alone. 💗 |
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Post by maria38 on Dec 13, 2018 9:27:31 GMT
Thank you for your support faithopelove ;-).
It´s good to hear I am not the only one going through this!
Sorry to hear you have been stumbled upon the same challenges with this man. The word "fantasy" you are using is exactly what I felt with him.
As if he lived in a fantasy world where I was The One, his "darling" but once we finally had to get into the concrete world, he was incapable of making plans. So strange for a man who is claiming high and loud that he wants a family, kids and so on...
The hardest part is that, as an Anxious person, I am often blaming myself for the things I have said or not said... When he kept talking about the future, I told him I was not the type of woman to stay at home, and that I needed to work, have my own activities, if I ever had to move to Italy that was the most important for me...not having kids straight away with a man I barely knew. It looked like he was looking for a woman on a catalogue, a "plant" woman who just follows his plans without interfering with his life... So strange when he was at first attracted to me because I was bubbly and had a personality of my own.
It seemed to me that he was trying to control everything, and put little labels on everything. He used often the word "try" when refering to relationships..To me it sounds strange. We don´t "try" people, we just spend time with them because we enjoy their company. Also when he broke up with me he said that it was normal to stop a relationship after a few months, like people "do these things". Sure they do when they got to know each other more deeply which we didn´t have a chance to do. Most of the things he said were contradictory. Saying he wanted to get to know me more on a daily basis, but at the same time making NO steps whatsoever to meet me for just one week-end in France.
I wish I had been more careful but I am glad I didn´t make the mistake to drop all my life to follow him. I sometimes have this urge to go there and meet him but I remember that he could have made this step himself. The first day we dated he told me to remember this date, as if we would stay together and celebrate our anniversary the year after. I feel upset and mad at him for that... Telling me a lot of empty promises. I thought he was a serious person but I see now that he is very inconsistent.
I am forcing myself this time not to contact him and to remain silent. It is hard because a part of me is going nuts like imagining he found someone else and so on, but I am determined to focus on myself and my needs. As a very loving person, I will never understand this behavior. I don´t "lose" feelings in a flip of a finger... I am happy I know more about attachment theory it helps me get through this difficult time better!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 9:45:47 GMT
Thank you for your support faithopelove ;-). It´s good to hear I am not the only one going through this! Sorry to hear you have been stumbled upon the same challenges with this man. The word "fantasy" you are using is exactly what I felt with him. As if he lived in a fantasy world where I was The One, his "darling" but once we finally had to get into the concrete world, he was incapable of making plans. So strange for a man who is claiming high and loud that he wants a family, kids and so on... The hardest part is that, as an Anxious person, I am often blaming myself for the things I have said or not said... When he kept talking about the future, I told him I was not the type of woman to stay at home, and that I needed to work, have my own activities, if I ever had to move to Italy that was the most important for me...not having kids straight away with a man I barely knew. It looked like he was looking for a woman on a catalogue, a "plant" woman who just follows his plans without interfering with his life... So strange when he was at first attracted to me because I was bubbly and had a personality of my own. It seemed to me that he was trying to control everything, and put little labels on everything. He used often the word "try" when refering to relationships..To me it sounds strange. We don´t "try" people, we just spend time with them because we enjoy their company. Also when he broke up with me he said that it was normal to stop a relationship after a few months, like people "do these things". Sure they do when they got to know each other more deeply which we didn´t have a chance to do. Most of the things he said were contradictory. Saying he wanted to get to know me more on a daily basis, but at the same time making NO steps whatsoever to meet me for just one week-end in France. I wish I had been more careful but I am glad I didn´t make the mistake to drop all my life to follow him. I sometimes have this urge to go there and meet him but I remember that he could have made this step himself. The first day we dated he told me to remember this date, as if we would stay together and celebrate our anniversary the year after. I feel upset and mad at him for that... Telling me a lot of empty promises. I thought he was a serious person but I see now that he is very inconsistent. I am forcing myself this time not to contact him and to remain silent. It is hard because a part of me is going nuts like imagining he found someone else and so on, but I am determined to focus on myself and my needs. As a very loving person, I will never understand this behavior. I don´t "lose" feelings in a flip of a finger... I am happy I know more about attachment theory it helps me get through this difficult time better! I had the same experience, so many similar parts! instead of seeing these things clearly as you've laid out, i went into full AP mode and kept feeling like I was gaslighted or that I was losing grips on my own reality. it's a bizarre feeling of living a relationship but actually not being in one. from the outside, it looks and sounds all good, but when it comes down to it, nothing is really being done... and when you push for it, it's because I was needy/impatient/not understanding. nonetheless maria38, this can be your clarifying experience - to think about yourself and why you're AP, and how you can move away from that towards secure. Yes, DAs can do alot of things and act in strange ways, but so can APs! and it's best to just focus on how you can remain centered so that the chaos like you've experienced won't throw you into a tailspin (like it did me, haha). |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 13, 2018 10:21:02 GMT
I highly recommend journaling...just to get the thoughts and feelings out of your head and body.
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Post by maria38 on Dec 13, 2018 16:12:35 GMT
Thanks for your thought shiningstar!
You are right, it is the opportunity to work on oneself. I had so many experiences like this one...I am not sure how to react. I have had a huge breakdown but it feels like I am blaming myself much less.
What was your experience? You said it was quite similar?
Yes keeping a journal can help! For Anxious it is important too to focus on oneself as much as possible. The emotional rollercoaster is NOT a good sign.
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 14, 2018 0:51:52 GMT
There could be multiple things going on here. I get the sense it's more than attachment style.
Like his inability to focus on you when you are talking-- who knows. Maybe he has ADHD, or experienced trauma, or has PTSD or takes drugs or medication side effect or something.
Some of his need for space could also be introversion.
But acting so loving then abruptly changing his mind, that does sound like it might be related to attachment styles. And agreed, the intensity so fast and the early talk of commitment is a red flag.
In any case, rather than obsess over it, it sounds like you recognize the importance of trying to self-reflect to figure out more about why you are attracted to men who behave this way. You say he wants a fantasy but could it be on some level you also feel drawn to a fantasy?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 13:43:42 GMT
Thanks for your thought shiningstar! You are right, it is the opportunity to work on oneself. I had so many experiences like this one...I am not sure how to react. I have had a huge breakdown but it feels like I am blaming myself much less. What was your experience? You said it was quite similar? Yes keeping a journal can help! For Anxious it is important too to focus on oneself as much as possible. The emotional rollercoaster is NOT a good sign. this was the biggest fall out i've ever had - there were other insecures but also other secures, to varying degrees. but never to this extent. the experience is similar to yours.. lots of chasing in the beginning, talk of a future but no action, avoidance of planning and initiative to move towards me, distancing, saying hurtful things about me to me, not really being present but saying he is. i had a major major breakdown when my ex-DA texted that he was going to spend less time on the relationship.. this was after months of slowly distancing himself, so i was already triggered. from what i remember, it was a major meltdown where I was just felt like my soul was ripped out of my body and that my mind imploded on itself. i was like a zombie for a couple of weeks (and we haven't even broken up!) and slowly recovered back to functionality and real life. but the process of real change was long and really not very focused, and i spent alot of time lurking on these boards to try to understand him and me, and the dance, but I was still locked in the dance. it then all came to head when i decided between me and us (i chose me), but I did it in a very rough and immature way, so that all went to shits. funnily enough, my recovery since then was VERY speedy, and going by leaps and bounds. from the moment i decided to choose me over him/us, i think it was already set in motion, and there is nothing very much else to grieve. it still makes me sad occasionally, and i sometimes also feel like i mucked it up, but then i just tell myself it is what it is, we both couldn't be what we wanted for each other. i journalled a little bit pre and around the breakup, just to identify things and issues and emotions, and also any good tidbits i get from the internet. I don't really keep these things. i write them on paper, make sense of things, deep dive into my childhood and identify my issues. of course these things are always in relation to him, because it was the relationship context that i got so triggered, and so when i think of him/us, i can start from that point and retrace it into my history. i have to keep telling myself that i left him and will leave him alone because i love him, and i choose to love him now, by holding his memory in a positive but honest place, in which i clearly see his and my part in this whole fiasco, but appreciate that this is the LAST clarifying experience i need to make changes in my life. i'm tired of this BS and i want bigger and better things, and i want to build a life - so i will have to do it, and not play pretend play with people who are not available, and pretend that they do. |
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Post by maria38 on Dec 14, 2018 13:48:54 GMT
Yes leavethelighton,
Perhaps he was also an introvert. That's what I figured at the beginning (I am the opposite much more talkative). I was ok with that and as I understood it, he was more able to speak when being out having a drink and not when coming back from work and so on... So maybe that was not the most relevant part.
About living in a fantasy, I am seeing a psychologist now and she gave me the same output...that maybe I was myself living more in my imagination. However, and even if I was frightened to confront him for real when coming to Italy, I was ready to take the steps in reality...But perhaps I was not aware enough of my own intuition, focusing too much on the love story/romance and discarding all the challenges (him living far, not the same language, etc). One part of me was scared when I spent this weekend with him I have to admit.
I was the one feeling enmeshed in his world, and I have been feeling this way even in my long term relationship. I don't consider myself as an Avoidant though. My Anxious strategy sometimes is to forget myself, forget my own needs and to "fit the other person to continue being loved. I am unconscious of that but I often censore myself once I am in love by fear of driving the other person away.
In this case, I feel I drove him away by speaking my truth. Saying I would not become a woman staying at home for him and he left. That is the hardest part. For once I think of myself and the result is the same, the person leaves.
I did not play another role this time though and this from the start... I really don't understand him..why would someone order chocolate and then complain and say you don't like chocolate that much 😶... I guess we both are not assuming who we are to some extent. There are so many contradictions between what we really want and what society or others tell you to do, or what images you have of a "perfect" couple...this is where the "fantasy" ends. I was ready though to drop my fantasy to get to know him even if it meant to take the risk of our relationship ending.
It is really hard to make sense of this all. I sense he is a DA on one hand but on another wonder if he is just not into me, if he met someone else or so.....So difficult. I may have made mistakes too.
I guess it is the opportunity to work on myself. Maybe I am asking too much from love.
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Post by maria38 on Dec 14, 2018 14:12:19 GMT
Thanks for your thought shiningstar! You are right, it is the opportunity to work on oneself. I had so many experiences like this one...I am not sure how to react. I have had a huge breakdown but it feels like I am blaming myself much less. What was your experience? You said it was quite similar? Yes keeping a journal can help! For Anxious it is important too to focus on oneself as much as possible. The emotional rollercoaster is NOT a good sign. this was the biggest fall out i've ever had - there were other insecures but also other secures, to varying degrees. but never to this extent. the experience is similar to yours.. lots of chasing in the beginning, talk of a future but no action, avoidance of planning and initiative to move towards me, distancing, saying hurtful things about me to me, not really being present but saying he is. i had a major major breakdown when my ex-DA texted that he was going to spend less time on the relationship.. this was after months of slowly distancing himself, so i was already triggered. from what i remember, it was a major meltdown where I was just felt like my soul was ripped out of my body and that my mind imploded on itself. i was like a zombie for a couple of weeks (and we haven't even broken up!) and slowly recovered back to functionality and real life. but the process of real change was long and really not very focused, and i spent alot of time lurking on these boards to try to understand him and me, and the dance, but I was still locked in the dance. it then all came to head when i decided between me and us (i chose me), but I did it in a very rough and immature way, so that all went to shits. funnily enough, my recovery since then was VERY speedy, and going by leaps and bounds. from the moment i decided to choose me over him/us, i think it was already set in motion, and there is nothing very much else to grieve. it still makes me sad occasionally, and i sometimes also feel like i mucked it up, but then i just tell myself it is what it is, we both couldn't be what we wanted for each other. i journalled a little bit pre and around the breakup, just to identify things and issues and emotions, and also any good tidbits i get from the internet. I don't really keep these things. i write them on paper, make sense of things, deep dive into my childhood and identify my issues. of course these things are always in relation to him, because it was the relationship context that i got so triggered, and so when i think of him/us, i can start from that point and retrace it into my history. i have to keep telling myself that i left him and will leave him alone because i love him, and i choose to love him now, by holding his memory in a positive but honest place, in which i clearly see his and my part in this whole fiasco, but appreciate that this is the LAST clarifying experience i need to make changes in my life. i'm tired of this BS and i want bigger and better things, and i want to build a life - so i will have to do it, and not play pretend play with people who are not available, and pretend that they do. |
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Post by maria38 on Dec 14, 2018 14:26:58 GMT
Oops I made some mistake trying to reply to your message shiningstar.
I can relate to what you are saying...choosing you was the best move you could do and I believe that is the reason why you recovered faster.
Me too I made my usual mistake when he broke up with me. Reacted completely Anxious-like...told him what I had to say but then hung up on him while he was saying something like "thank you it was beautiful" I just couldn't listen to him at all.1 hour later I messaged him saying he should come visit me that he had to think twice etc. Typical from me...was panicking...and well my phone died at that point which is good as I didn't get an answer. A couple of days later no news from him. I got back to my reason and told him he was right it was better this way as I felt this was not equal efforts, that I felt sad etc. I finally opened up on what was true to me.
He never ever replied. As he told me one day, and perhaps that was a big red flag, "Once I make a decision it is forever no step back". I remember this frightened me at the time....someone who is so unwilling to question himself...and he did that to me. The good part is I don't care so much if I reacted strongly when he broke up and mesaged him twice long texts.. I don't care because I know I didn't mess up anything and that long texts or not, overreacting or not, I am choosing to be myself and to open up about my feelings. If I am going in his bag of "crazy exes" then fine. I would have been crazy though to move in with someone who is not able to show one little act of integrity and loyalty.
I guess we cannot really change the way we love in life. I love with passion but the difference today is that I acknowledge it and I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed of being sad and don't care what he might think for that.
Before I would have acted as if I didn't care and tried to manipulate in order to get love.
I believe this is what means changing the perspective we have on ourselves and stop denying ourselves.
As you say shiningstar, stop with this BS ;-)
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 16, 2018 0:40:35 GMT
You mentioned stating what you want and his leaving anyway (when you said you didn't want to be the at-home sort of wife).... but that's a painful sign that he can't give you what you want and wouldn't be a good match to end up with longterm even if you wanted it to be him. This is a GOOD thing in that sense, even if it's hard to see now. You're free to find someone who doesn't want a wife who stays home... Don't let that negative experience keep you from communicating your desires with someone in the future.
Keep reminding yourself that the whole point is to find someone who will be a good match and like you and stay-- not just to find someone you like who will stay...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 12:14:23 GMT
Oops I made some mistake trying to reply to your message shiningstar. I can relate to what you are saying...choosing you was the best move you could do and I believe that is the reason why you recovered faster. Me too I made my usual mistake when he broke up with me. Reacted completely Anxious-like...told him what I had to say but then hung up on him while he was saying something like "thank you it was beautiful" I just couldn't listen to him at all.1 hour later I messaged him saying he should come visit me that he had to think twice etc. Typical from me...was panicking...and well my phone died at that point which is good as I didn't get an answer. A couple of days later no news from him. I got back to my reason and told him he was right it was better this way as I felt this was not equal efforts, that I felt sad etc. I finally opened up on what was true to me. He never ever replied. As he told me one day, and perhaps that was a big red flag, "Once I make a decision it is forever no step back". I remember this frightened me at the time....someone who is so unwilling to question himself...and he did that to me. The good part is I don't care so much if I reacted strongly when he broke up and mesaged him twice long texts.. I don't care because I know I didn't mess up anything and that long texts or not, overreacting or not, I am choosing to be myself and to open up about my feelings. If I am going in his bag of "crazy exes" then fine. I would have been crazy though to move in with someone who is not able to show one little act of integrity and loyalty. I guess we cannot really change the way we love in life. I love with passion but the difference today is that I acknowledge it and I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed of being sad and don't care what he might think for that. Before I would have acted as if I didn't care and tried to manipulate in order to get love. I believe this is what means changing the perspective we have on ourselves and stop denying ourselves. As you say shiningstar, stop with this BS ;-) YES. i totally agree... i'm sure he thinks i'm nuts and that i'm just chaotic and crazy, but that's alright. i WAS. I accept that and take responsibility for it. haha. I am not ashamed, like you, that I love with passion! I believe that is also what they see and wanted for themselves, then cannot deal with it at some point. we mirror in each other what we are and what we lack. i wanted and admired his independence and calmness, and didn't like it so much when it was not in my favor! now i see and accept that those qualities i need to develop myself, and not rely on someone's excessive amount of those qualities to fill my lack of it. but I was ashamed of myself for some of the things I did, and I did NOT like it one bit who I was when I am triggered. I am relooking at "myself" and deciding if that's who i want to be going forward. i didn't like myself very much before, and i didnt like who i was in the relationship.. the APness is really a little nuts and too chaotic for me to have a healthy, aligned, integrated life, and that is what I want. that means I will re-evaluate my outlook in life, and who i am and what i do, and do that from a place of acceptance and self-compassion, in order to be in the state to live that life. |
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Post by maria38 on Dec 17, 2018 13:07:40 GMT
Yes leavethelighton you are right... it's good that I showed who I was and didn't compromise. It feels like I was brainwashed (often felt like this in my relationships...). No need to be ashamed yes shiningstar. I am currently reflecting on all the times I felt responsible for the bad behaviours of others in my previous relationships. I would then apologize and they would even more become distant and arrogant. When I look back now I realize those people were not special at all. I wonder how I could have ruined my life at the time for people who could not being me anything (and they are most of the time not able to bring much to others either!). I wonder how it is possible to prevent this....it is very difficult to spot this problems in the beginning. With my Italian ex, I would have never ever thought he would drop me like this after all the romantic crap he gave me... I could not have known. What is the solution? I don't want to end up bitter and distrustful with potential new partners. It is not easy at all to know beforehand who is the person in front of you....sometimes even after years. It frightens me honestly  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 21:55:59 GMT
Yes leavethelighton you are right... it's good that I showed who I was and didn't compromise. It feels like I was brainwashed (often felt like this in my relationships...). No need to be ashamed yes shiningstar. I am currently reflecting on all the times I felt responsible for the bad behaviours of others in my previous relationships. I would then apologize and they would even more become distant and arrogant. When I look back now I realize those people were not special at all. I wonder how I could have ruined my life at the time for people who could not being me anything (and they are most of the time not able to bring much to others either!). I wonder how it is possible to prevent this....it is very difficult to spot this problems in the beginning. With my Italian ex, I would have never ever thought he would drop me like this after all the romantic crap he gave me... I could not have known. What is the solution? I don't want to end up bitter and distrustful with potential new partners. It is not easy at all to know beforehand who is the person in front of you....sometimes even after years. It frightens me honestly I’m still trying to figure that out myself.. my ex was all “don’t let me go” and “ this is my second chance in life” and “this feels like home” before he deactivated. I don’t think he truly saw his role in all of it but I think deep down he knows he also mucked it up but just don’t want to admit it. I’m taking a break from actively dating - everything now starts from making friends and then get to know them and their history and patterns from there. And I’m just working on myself to get myself secure and stably so. I also believe that we attract who we are, and they mirror us. So when I am good, the good will come! |
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