learningalong the way
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Post by learningalong the way on May 15, 2017 3:54:11 GMT
Hi everyone,
After reading through these posts, as someone that tends towards dismissive, I'm not really sure how to deal with or treat dismissive-avoidant tendencies. I also feel like all the posts here tell secure types and anxious types to avoid avoidants (ironic right?) with no thought given to improving the relationship. It makes it seem like DAs are unworthy of love or not worth anyone's time, which I find hurtful. I have issues responding "appropriately" in emotionally charged situations and tend to shut down. There is no room made for people that just need more time to process emotions. Reading these posts make me seem like I'm defective or incapable of having successful relationships. I find myself asking myself what is the point of trying to have relationships if I'm not capable of (according to many post) having a relationship.
What techniques have other DA employed to change their attachment style?
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Post by trixie5179 on May 15, 2017 14:14:24 GMT
Hi learningalong the way,
I agree a lot of the posts on this forum urge the original poster to 'move on,' if their avoidant has run away/ended things, or if the relationship just clearly isn't working. I think in many cases this is good advice, but really, it depends on each person's situation. In my own case, my avoidant ex is severely avoidant and has very negative/distorted views on relationships, women, and himself. He is very loving and a great person-- he was very good to me and was a great boyfriend. In many ways, including emotionally, he was ideal for me. However, he could not handle the intimacy, and his avoidance won out (along with, I'm sure, many other internal battles he was dealing with that I just don't know about). So yes in this case, when someone is avoidant to the degree where they construct their life to 'shut out' relationships and intimacy, and don't/cannot communicate, and have not dealt with their issues in a way that allows them to sustain a relationship--- then the best advice, I think, is to 'abort mission' with this person. He was very worthy of my love and my time-- but he did not want to try/did not see how change was possible.
So really, I think it depends on the avoidant and the situation. Everyone is different, and everyone is anxious or avoidant or secure to their own degree... If you do really want a relationship and to work on yourself along with another person, then I hope you do not feel discouraged.
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 15, 2017 15:52:18 GMT
Hi learningalongtheway,
I'm a fellow Avoidant. And I will tell you I have worked excruciatingly hard to try to understanding my own impulses and fears. I'm sure you can make some progress as well. So don't lose hope.
That said, it's a difficult journey and these Boards are not the place for you to find comfort or direction because as you correctly point out, they are geared towards helping former partners understand the disorder.
Start with some reading aimed at Avoidants. Some are better than others, some are more geared to former partners with a small section on how to conquer Avoidance behaviors. Others are more Pop-Psychology, while still others are very challenging (in a good way) because you will see yourself in the pages and it will take courage to acknowledge and tackled the changes you need to make. Plunge into it headlong, and at the least you will find some encouragement. I will let you do your own research but start with:
He's Scared, She's Scared, by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol
Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment by Elina Firman
Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix
Good luck.
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on May 15, 2017 17:08:42 GMT
Hi learningalong the way, I don't know if this is good advice, but if you also have difficulties with non-romantic relationships (as some avoidants do), then you could start to work on those relationships first. It might be easier, as it's clear from the start that there will be no sex/marriage/kids/living under the same roof/exclusivity/commitment. Those relationships are less demanding, so probably easier to deal with as a first step. Also, take a look at this article, it gives some tips that you may find helpful: www.dralangraham.com/Office/Relationships__Avoidant_Style.html. |
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Post by annieb on May 16, 2017 19:56:04 GMT
Hello - learningalong the way
It's great that you are here and that you are looking for feedback. If I have anything to add to what others are saying, perhaps you could keep writing here and tell us what are things that we can do to make you feel more comfortable in a relationship. It would help everyone to see your point of view. I am myself a FA and I've been in a relationship with DA, or rather he's been in a relationship with me or so he insisted (not that we were in a relationship, but that we were close), meanwhile I would have not called it a relationship or anything romantic or of any substance to qualify as a relationship (distance, weeks of not talking, stonewalling, silence, dismissal and disrespect), I know they are all his defense mechanisms, but they aren't encouraging in any way. Meanwhile he is in pain (was in pain, I don't know what he is doing now, we are 6 weeks no contact).
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Post by Meg on May 17, 2017 23:57:32 GMT
I just left a relationship with a FA (I learn towards anxious-preoccupied these days, but spent most of my twenties in the firm FA camp), and oh, boy, can I just say that I hear you on how hard it can be to read most people dismiss your "slower" processing of emotions and tendencies to distance as bad? With my FA, I made the mistake of pouring through podcasts, articles, and other self-help stuff in a very misguided attempt to understand and help him more by changing my approach to him instead of seeing that you can never do someone else's self-growth for them; that's really controlling and a reflection of poor boundaries, even if I didn't recognize that until later, and ultimately, it takes two people committed to growth to make a relationship work. I don't mean to preach, by any means, but being freshly broken up and processing my own experience has really revved me up. I would highly recommend checking out Stan Tatkin's work. He talks a lot about the interfacing of neurobiology and our attachment styles, along with the ways in which our autonomic nervous systems are wired for pair bonding, security, and safety. It really helped me to finally feel my FA ex on another level. He was seeking out safety and security just like I was, even if it manifested totally differently... anyways, Stan details a lot of techniques for making connection more possible, so it's not just another intellectual approach that's devoid of giving you concrete steps to help heal. He also believes, very much, that two people can be secure functioning, even if they're a islands (his term for avoidants) and waves (anxious folks) coupling. You don't need to be with a secure person to heal! You just have to be willing to meet each other where you are, empathize, own your triggers, and learn how to turn towards your partner in relief instead of unconsciously escalating stuff all the time by reacting to triggers that send the both of you into deeper anxiety and pain. I realize that's tough work. I certainly didn't succeed with me ex. In the end though, I learned a heck of a lot, and saw that I needed to own my reactiveness and fears around abandonment, as well as validate his experience (even though it was really tough because we obviously triggered each other a ton), and not be so judgemental about his process, emotional "fog" (as he called his emotional experience), and tendency to shut down when he felt afraid. I can do my part to empathize, too.
The best resource I found on this was a podcast episode from the smart couples podcast called, "how to feel safe in your relationships," which featured Bonnie Badenoch, a wonderful therapist who treats childhood survivors of trauma and uses the same neuroscience that folks like Stan Tatkin do to help couples. It talks about what's happening in the nervous systems of people who shut down and how their bodies are literally being physiologically flooded when they're triggered by anxiety that usually happens when they sink into intimacy. She talks about how this is largely unconscious, and that these people tend to be left-centric, and this keeps them from connecting and relating since experiencing anxiety keeps us from our right-brains, which house our relational centers. I know it sounds super scientific, and it is, but it def helped me gain greater empathy for my partner. Bonnie even says that as someone who's triggered by their partners shutting down (because it makes us feel fear bc we can't connect or reach them), we can try and soften our approach to them by thinking that "it must be really hard to feel so scared that you have to shut down and run away just to soothe yourself." Anyone can heal. And as these folks say, we can repair ourselves, but we can't do it alone! We're not wired to be alone as humans, and reading all this stuff has helped me beat myself up less about not being totally perfect and 100% healed off my own individual, internal growth alone.
I hope this helps you and wasn't just a bunch of rambling!
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Post by learningalongtheway on May 29, 2017 23:13:44 GMT
My thoughts as requested...
If you have questions or comments feel free to ask!
DA= Dismissive-Avoidant
AA= Anxiously-Attached (Anxious-Preoccupied)
To cultivate empathy for a DA one should think about how detachment is a necessary means for survival for some individuals. I think AA individuals garner more sympathy because the consequences of physical neglect are more obvious than the emotional neglect or enmeshment that DA tend to experience in childhood. People that suffer from physical abuse tell people who suffer emotional abuse to just "deal with it". This is misguided because the emotionally neglected turned DA knows not of physical abuse, and is no condition to internally compare the two, or even being to understand how emotional abuse led to their condition. They are simply labeled as dysfunctional, and denied the cognitive tools to understand and grow. By avoiding DAs, we promote narcissism rather than defeat it.
Being in a relationship with an anxious-preoccupied type helped reveal my own avoidant tendencies. I think that by sharing some of my childhood experiences and how those affected my adult relationships.
Growing up, many thought I had an ideal childhood. I had my physical needs met, food, shelter, etc. However, one parent was particularly overbearing and suffocating. They had specific ideas about who I would end up being, and they were essentially living vicariously through me. My father wanted me to be a writer and and orator and forced me to do specific tasks to cultivate those skills. I had a natural inclination towards the sciences, but this was suppressed (I was never told my interests were bad, but they weren't specifically encouraged.) As a result, I spent a lot of time and energy cultivating my own interests, and resisting the ones that were expected of me. My coping mechanism involved doing the tasks my dad wanted me to do, and then taking the free time I did have to cultivate my own interests. Essentially, I lived in an enriched environment, but I was not allowed to flourish the way I wanted to. I was given plenty of books, instruments and toys, but no one bothered to listen to what I wanted when I did speak, or use their resources to in a way that aligned with my instincts/desires. As a a relatively young (27) person that has a recognized their avoidant tendencies, two factors helped me:
a. Even as a child, I somehow sensed or understood that what my father's behavior was wrong, and I think this "sense" accelerated my ability to protect myself and as an adult, reconcile with my upbringing.
b.. I lived in a city, which naturally provided me a level of freedom and anonymity through which I could be myself.
So how did this upbringing affect me?
First, I think it made it difficult to cultivate gratitude. I realized that things were given to me not out of altruism, but as bargaining chips. I was being used as a tool of another individuals and gifts were a way to placate me.
Second, I became really independent. I had to rely on myself to find things that I liked. I did double duty. I worked hard enough to please my dad, but saved enough energy to do things that I enjoyed. I forced myself to read Shakespeare, and then relished books on science and technology. Since people were so busy telling me who I should be, this meat that people never helped encouraged me to be myself.
Third, I became really stubborn. I'm no expert, but when a child experiences enmeshment, there are two possible outcomes in my opinion. The child becomes a pliable people pleaser, or they hunker down and fight to do things their way. I was the latter.
Fourth, I developed an introversion. I learned not to share information about myself/interests that my father wouldn't like. This was a way to retain control, and not experience rejection/judgement of my personality.
Finally, I suppressed my emotions. I think this is the most damaging result of enmeshment by far. I had to rely on myself, to regulate myself when I was exploring my own interests, which is essentially impossible. I think it just results in the dampening of emotions responses. A lot of my energy was spent self-soothing, I didn't receive any help. I HAD to rely on myself (dampen my emotional response) to survive.
So how did those personality traits affect my relationships? (my partner was anxious-preoccupied so keep that in mind)
1. Gratitude
I was suspicious of spontaneous gifts or favors done for me because I expected that my partner was trying to manipulate me. I often preemptively refused favors or gifts fearing that they were bargaining chips. I think a secure partner would recognize this was not a way to communicate with me, but my AA boyfriend, kept trying to reach me that way.
2. Independence
Because I was not used to depending on people, I radiated an independent spirit that resisted being tied down, and was hypersensitive to loss of freedom. I didn't feel the need to constantly communicate my whereabouts. MY AA always wanted to know where I was, who I was talking to and why. If I did something alone or with friends, he accused me to of not wanting to hang out with him. We had to be together or on the phone way more than I was comfortable with.
3. Stubbornness
Somehow I actually ended up as a easy going person, so this doesn't factor in.
4. Introversion
This is big. Because I became inwardly focused to protect my personality, I had trouble expressing my interests, motivations, and feelings. My AA constantly asking about my whereabouts and motives felt intrusive. While I did slowly express myself, it was never enough for the AA. He wanted to know everything immediately!
When I was inwardly-focused on my self and my interests, instead of joining me there, my AA intruded on my bubble and tried to drag me back to his space. I felt violated. He didn't seem very interested in who I was as a person.
5. Emotional Suppression
Because I could not express myself in the moment when my partner did something I didn't like our communication suffered. Direct communication of my preferences and desires was not valued by my partner. If we argued, he bought me something to make up, when I wanted to have a frank discussion. I wasn't emotional enough for them, so they picked and prodded at me in an effort to get me to express emotion or show commitment to him. He often accused me of cheating with co-workers or bartenders. He told me that I should leave him if I didn't love him. If we argues and I wanted to take them time to collect my thoughts, he would drinking heavily and yell at me. It was difficult for me to process my emotions and these overt emotional displays made me want to retreat even more. He admitted to trying to get me drunk in order to make me more emotional. Looking back, I think it was these outbursts and the labeling of me as flirtatious, a cheater, in the absence of any evidence made me retreat and leave the relationship. I think that was his way of asking for more reassurance, affection etc.
The crux of the AA and DA relationship
The physically neglected AA learned that who you are is irrelevant, it's what you do for others that matters. They try desperately to prove their worth to the DA, who doesn't care so much. The DA is trying to be known for the first time since their parents didn't bother to do that. Sensing the lack of appreciation. The AA prods and protests and placates, almost becoming servile. But never thinks to ask the DA what they want. AA accuses the DA of not loving them, cheating on them, being insensitive etc. Usually in overt, dramatic displays of emotion. Of course the DA is probably doing none of this, but this distorted view of themselves is reflected back to them. Again, they see they are not truly known. This triggers more introversion and a retreat from intimacy.
So.....
Treating others how you want to be treated is the worst advice! It prevents the DA from appreciating the AA's generosity and allowing them to fulfill a desire to care for others in the way they were neglected. It also makes the AA intrusive and prevents the them from giving the DA time to process emotions and trust them enough to reveal their personality to them.
My 2 cent relationships tips for "dysfunctional" pairings
AA: ask about DA, let them indulge in their interests, be overly patient w/DA, don't shame for their interests, resist urge to use gifts to make up arguments, take time to talk w/partner in non-confrontational way, encourage them to share feelings, and be known, get a cat, if your DA asks to do something actually do it; don't be too concerned whether person likes you (they hate everyone but tolerate you); don't criticize by negatively labeling or accusing them
DA: do things for others, even if they seem insignificant indulge in/cultivate your interests, be overly gracious w/AA, help them fill hole, get a dog; be less concerned about a AA trying to control you
Garden Analogy
Everyone needs a garden
-DAs had a weird/different idea for a garden but everyone told them it was stupid; kept trying to fuck with their garden; DA cuts off important and fulfilling relationships to grow their garden in seclusion
-AA, sees everyone else with a garden but never got help making one, works really hard to make garden.has a tendency to say LOOK AT MY GARDEN APPRECIATE MY GARDEN
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Post by serene13 on May 30, 2017 0:31:41 GMT
Whoa - learningalongtheway - that was quite a post! I appreciate and commend you for the energy and time it took to write that  . I had a similar situation with my dad - certain expectations - but he did not try to actively shape me. I was able to figure out my own way - and because of other good experiences ended up pretty secure. But I have recently learned through a close relationship about attachment theory and have personally learned how difficult the changes that can occur can be. I can now identify this individual I now care very much about, a very close family member, and my closest childhood friend as DA. Thank you for the time and effort you and everyone here takes to share their lives and experiences with these difficulties. |
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Post by learningalongtheway on Jun 2, 2017 4:05:23 GMT
Thanks, and best of luck w/your future relationships! Whoa - learningalongtheway - that was quite a post! I appreciate and commend you for the energy and time it took to write that . I had a similar situation with my dad - certain expectations - but he did not try to actively shape me. I was able to figure out my own way - and because of other good experiences ended up pretty secure. But I have recently learned through a close relationship about attachment theory and have personally learned how difficult the changes that can occur can be. I can now identify this individual I now care very much about, a very close family member, and my closest childhood friend as DA. Thank you for the time and effort you and everyone here takes to share their lives and experiences with these difficulties. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 3:38:05 GMT
My thoughts as requested... If you have questions or comments feel free to ask! DA= Dismissive-Avoidant AA= Anxiously-Attached (Anxious-Preoccupied) To cultivate empathy for a DA one should think about how detachment is a necessary means for survival for some individuals. I think AA individuals garner more sympathy because the consequences of physical neglect are more obvious than the emotional neglect or enmeshment that DA tend to experience in childhood. People that suffer from physical abuse tell people who suffer emotional abuse to just "deal with it". This is misguided because the emotionally neglected turned DA knows not of physical abuse, and is no condition to internally compare the two, or even being to understand how emotional abuse led to their condition. They are simply labeled as dysfunctional, and denied the cognitive tools to understand and grow. By avoiding DAs, we promote narcissism rather than defeat it. Being in a relationship with an anxious-preoccupied type helped reveal my own avoidant tendencies. I think that by sharing some of my childhood experiences and how those affected my adult relationships. Growing up, many thought I had an ideal childhood. I had my physical needs met, food, shelter, etc. However, one parent was particularly overbearing and suffocating. They had specific ideas about who I would end up being, and they were essentially living vicariously through me. My father wanted me to be a writer and and orator and forced me to do specific tasks to cultivate those skills. I had a natural inclination towards the sciences, but this was suppressed (I was never told my interests were bad, but they weren't specifically encouraged.) As a result, I spent a lot of time and energy cultivating my own interests, and resisting the ones that were expected of me. My coping mechanism involved doing the tasks my dad wanted me to do, and then taking the free time I did have to cultivate my own interests. Essentially, I lived in an enriched environment, but I was not allowed to flourish the way I wanted to. I was given plenty of books, instruments and toys, but no one bothered to listen to what I wanted when I did speak, or use their resources to in a way that aligned with my instincts/desires. As a a relatively young (27) person that has a recognized their avoidant tendencies, two factors helped me: a. Even as a child, I somehow sensed or understood that what my father's behavior was wrong, and I think this "sense" accelerated my ability to protect myself and as an adult, reconcile with my upbringing. b.. I lived in a city, which naturally provided me a level of freedom and anonymity through which I could be myself. So how did this upbringing affect me?First, I think it made it difficult to cultivate gratitude. I realized that things were given to me not out of altruism, but as bargaining chips. I was being used as a tool of another individuals and gifts were a way to placate me. Second, I became really independent. I had to rely on myself to find things that I liked. I did double duty. I worked hard enough to please my dad, but saved enough energy to do things that I enjoyed. I forced myself to read Shakespeare, and then relished books on science and technology. Since people were so busy telling me who I should be, this meat that people never helped encouraged me to be myself. Third, I became really stubborn. I'm no expert, but when a child experiences enmeshment, there are two possible outcomes in my opinion. The child becomes a pliable people pleaser, or they hunker down and fight to do things their way. I was the latter. Fourth, I developed an introversion. I learned not to share information about myself/interests that my father wouldn't like. This was a way to retain control, and not experience rejection/judgement of my personality. Finally, I suppressed my emotions. I think this is the most damaging result of enmeshment by far. I had to rely on myself, to regulate myself when I was exploring my own interests, which is essentially impossible. I think it just results in the dampening of emotions responses. A lot of my energy was spent self-soothing, I didn't receive any help. I HAD to rely on myself (dampen my emotional response) to survive. So how did those personality traits affect my relationships? (my partner was anxious-preoccupied so keep that in mind)1. Gratitude I was suspicious of spontaneous gifts or favors done for me because I expected that my partner was trying to manipulate me. I often preemptively refused favors or gifts fearing that they were bargaining chips. I think a secure partner would recognize this was not a way to communicate with me, but my AA boyfriend, kept trying to reach me that way. 2. Independence Because I was not used to depending on people, I radiated an independent spirit that resisted being tied down, and was hypersensitive to loss of freedom. I didn't feel the need to constantly communicate my whereabouts. MY AA always wanted to know where I was, who I was talking to and why. If I did something alone or with friends, he accused me to of not wanting to hang out with him. We had to be together or on the phone way more than I was comfortable with. 3. Stubbornness Somehow I actually ended up as a easy going person, so this doesn't factor in. 4. Introversion This is big. Because I became inwardly focused to protect my personality, I had trouble expressing my interests, motivations, and feelings. My AA constantly asking about my whereabouts and motives felt intrusive. While I did slowly express myself, it was never enough for the AA. He wanted to know everything immediately! When I was inwardly-focused on my self and my interests, instead of joining me there, my AA intruded on my bubble and tried to drag me back to his space. I felt violated. He didn't seem very interested in who I was as a person. 5. Emotional Suppression Because I could not express myself in the moment when my partner did something I didn't like our communication suffered. Direct communication of my preferences and desires was not valued by my partner. If we argued, he bought me something to make up, when I wanted to have a frank discussion. I wasn't emotional enough for them, so they picked and prodded at me in an effort to get me to express emotion or show commitment to him. He often accused me of cheating with co-workers or bartenders. He told me that I should leave him if I didn't love him. If we argues and I wanted to take them time to collect my thoughts, he would drinking heavily and yell at me. It was difficult for me to process my emotions and these overt emotional displays made me want to retreat even more. He admitted to trying to get me drunk in order to make me more emotional. Looking back, I think it was these outbursts and the labeling of me as flirtatious, a cheater, in the absence of any evidence made me retreat and leave the relationship. I think that was his way of asking for more reassurance, affection etc. The crux of the AA and DA relationshipThe physically neglected AA learned that who you are is irrelevant, it's what you do for others that matters. They try desperately to prove their worth to the DA, who doesn't care so much. The DA is trying to be known for the first time since their parents didn't bother to do that. Sensing the lack of appreciation. The AA prods and protests and placates, almost becoming servile. But never thinks to ask the DA what they want. AA accuses the DA of not loving them, cheating on them, being insensitive etc. Usually in overt, dramatic displays of emotion. Of course the DA is probably doing none of this, but this distorted view of themselves is reflected back to them. Again, they see they are not truly known. This triggers more introversion and a retreat from intimacy. So.....Treating others how you want to be treated is the worst advice! It prevents the DA from appreciating the AA's generosity and allowing them to fulfill a desire to care for others in the way they were neglected. It also makes the AA intrusive and prevents the them from giving the DA time to process emotions and trust them enough to reveal their personality to them. My 2 cent relationships tips for "dysfunctional" pairings
AA: ask about DA, let them indulge in their interests, be overly patient w/DA, don't shame for their interests, resist urge to use gifts to make up arguments, take time to talk w/partner in non-confrontational way, encourage them to share feelings, and be known, get a cat, if your DA asks to do something actually do it; don't be too concerned whether person likes you (they hate everyone but tolerate you); don't criticize by negatively labeling or accusing them DA: do things for others, even if they seem insignificant indulge in/cultivate your interests, be overly gracious w/AA, help them fill hole, get a dog; be less concerned about a AA trying to control you Garden AnalogyEveryone needs a garden -DAs had a weird/different idea for a garden but everyone told them it was stupid; kept trying to fuck with their garden; DA cuts off important and fulfilling relationships to grow their garden in seclusion -AA, sees everyone else with a garden but never got help making one, works really hard to make garden.has a tendency to say LOOK AT MY GARDEN APPRECIATE MY GARDEN I know this is old, but this is the best ever!!!!! it's really really helpful, especially on how to deal with each other. I can completely see the avoidant side of me with my parents , though I'm anxious in my attached relationships. Right now, i'm struggling between wanting to work things out and self-preservation, and to top it off, moving to another continent to get away from my parents (anxious mum, avoidant dad) when I'm already in a long-distance relationship with a divorcing avoidant. it's insane. typing this out makes me see how insane it is. haha. Thank you so much for putting things in such clear perspective, and for allowing others to understand this. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 4:32:41 GMT
What if someone experiences both physical and emotional abuse? Would that person become a fearful avoidant? Would a fearful avoidant than have both a need to prove their worth by doing things for others while also desperately wanting to be known/seen/appreciated and accepted for who they are?
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Post by abolish on Jan 16, 2018 10:33:39 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 12:26:37 GMT
What if someone experiences both physical and emotional abuse? Would that person become a fearful avoidant? Would a fearful avoidant than have both a need to prove their worth by doing things for others while also desperately wanting to be known/seen/appreciated and accepted for who they are? I'm FA. I experienced emotional neglect from care-givers and emotional abuse later in life. Now, not so much but I am vulnerable to abuse, I've realised. Which doesn't happen to DA(later in life), they don't let others to hurt them thanks to detachment. I do, desperately, deep down want to be accepted, seen, loved for who I am, despite who I am but I don't show or demand it as AP would. I retreat to myself because no one cares. I do like to help people, be something for them because I see it as a chance to be seen, to receive what I want. But not "in your face", I won't voice it, I'll be reserved and hope but also know it's not going to happen, that I'm not worth it. Only DA made me to become more preoccupied, to voice my fears, to get intensely attached. I couldn't understand, I wanted to be acknowledged. Thank you so much ablolish for sharing. I am so sorry for the emotional abuse you have suffered...everyone deserves to be seen, loved and cherished for who they are as they are right now. I hope you find a man who cherishes, sees and loves you for who you are. |
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Post by abolish on Jan 16, 2018 19:01:51 GMT
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. I had a similar situation with my dad - certain expectations - but he did not try to actively shape me. I was able to figure out my own way - and because of other good experiences ended up pretty secure. But I have recently learned through a close relationship about attachment theory and have personally learned how difficult the changes that can occur can be. I can now identify this individual I now care very much about, a very close family member, and my closest childhood friend as DA. Thank you for the time and effort you and everyone here takes to share their lives and experiences with these difficulties.
