Post by ocarina on Dec 14, 2018 20:34:25 GMT
I am posting in the DA section really because my last relationship - the one that brought me here a few years ago in an attempt to fix things - or at least understand what was going on, was with someone whose behaviour was typical of a DA/FA, but the lessons I have learnt over this time, could apply to any attachment style.
We were together for six years and through this time I sought over an over again to hold things together and recreate the amazing feeling of closeness we had when things were good - a kind of intense connection that I've never experienced (late 40s lots of kids, long marriage). During this time I went from a kind of acceptance - during which I pretzelled myself into the perfect cool partner - pretty well I have to say - although completely at the expense of my own self esteem! It didn't work. From there I went on to understand him - for surely through understanding I could build some kind of better relationship, learn to communicate better, make change. I now know ALOT but guess what? It didn't work. Fast forward to round three and with support both externally and from these boards, I had to look at my own part - to be honest I would rather have gouged my eyes out with spoons, since this was his problem wasn't it? I couldn't have been to blame in any way? After some time spent learning self compassion and understanding, I began to really want to live well, to become clear of my own values, to find my edges where I could compromise and where I couldn't - and somewhere along the line, I realised I could no longer walk on eggshells or supress what I needed at my own expense. When I was clear about my needs he disappeared - it was one of the most painful experiences of my life, but I did experience it and went through the anger and resentment, the sadness and the blame.
He reappeared a while back - for the first time full of declarations of undying love - but - and this is the important part for me. I no longer had to resort to ways to try to understand him, to change myself, to feel I wasn't enough. After pushing through the pain of separation I now see how I was asking the impossible of him - how asking anyone to bring that feeling of connection and joy in the long term, is a road to disaster - and to ask this of a someone with an attachment disorder is even more so. Not only that - it's unfair. My resentment and feelings of not enough were projected onto him as a result of my expectations - which were in themselves totally unrealistic. No wonder I felt miserable.
So - what's changed? I now appreciate the wisdom and solidity that comes from consciously living my own values. It has given me the freedom to choose where I engage and with whom, has enabled me to put boundaries in place and brought a sense of peace and joy to life which means I am much less reliant on others for my own self enhancement and can therefore enjoy their company much more for what it is rather than have to work to change them to fit my bill - which was pointless and exhausting.
With my ex partner now - we have navigated a close friendship where I have boundaries in place firm enough to allow me to love him for what he is, not for what I need from him in a relationship - something he can't give. I have control - but control of my own life and my behaviours rather than the need to control him.
I feel that so often love is mis-sold in our society - it's sold as that feeling which will complete us and this is what we are encouraged to go searching for - not only searching for, but once we have it we need to cling to it and all too often, this requires out partner to behave in a certain way to make us feel just so. This is clearly an impossibility for anyone - and even more so for a partner who has some kind of disordered attachment. I am beginning to learn that real lasting love is a choice - one that starts with learning real self compassion and the ability to face difficult emotions head-on. It's not easy, but without this, the longing in our hearts to be completed leads so easily to clinging and manipulation and the very antithesis of loving kindness.