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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 15, 2018 0:00:37 GMT
I’m 9 months out from being broken up with by my FA ex. I didn’t know he was FA at all until he left and I did some research. He’s quite frankly textbook! Abusive childhood, traumatic early experiences, falls in love easily, finds himself terrified if a relationship gets too intimate, desperately wants you but fears your closeness, shuts down sexually (we had a dead bedroom for 2 years because he couldn’t be sexual) and communicates nothing about his true emotions. That’s the overview.
I’m a secure, although I started to experience AP tendencies towards the end of our relationship as he shut down completely. My secure kicked in when he broke up with me though and I immediately instigated NC. He sent a couple of small messages, a ‘happy birthday’ etc, which I ignored. I decided I was 100% done with meaningless communication with him. From now on it’s genuine or it’s nothing.
He very tentatively, sort of reached out to me after about 6 months (in a very lateral way). I used this as an opportunity to send him all the info I knew about FA and CPTSD which I think he also has. I knew this would probably repel him and he would stop communicating with me. I was right! But I had to do it, my main priority with regards to him is to highlight what I know about his problem and to point him in the direction of info that might help him. I can’t heal him, only he can do that. So as painful as it is, being separated from my soulmate, the very fact that he’s my soulmate means I can only do what I know is right for him. I could never do less for him than act with true love.
So, that’s the backstory. I found out this week, he’s been in a relationship for a few months. He got into this relationship with his new housemate fairly soon after we broke up, probably 4/5 months. What I’ve found out from talking to people close to him is this new girl is fairly ‘take it or leave it’ when it comes to their relationship. She’s got a busy life and he’s said ‘there’s no room for me in it’. He’s apparently miserable about this (he told a mutual friend he’s depressed) and he’s basically having to chase her. According to his mother (who I still speak to because we have an amazing relationship) this is the first time he’s ever acted like this with a girl. So far in his life he’s been basically worshipped by his partners, so his pattern is passionate love followed by her getting too close followed by him shutting down. So this is new territory for him.
Are there any FAs out there who have experienced a distant partner? I’d be so interested to know what it’s like for an FA in that circumstance. Is it possible for an FA to end up needy and clingy? This behaviour he’s showing with new girl is so alien to what I experienced with him and I’m wondering if I got the FA diagnosis right.
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Post by mrob on Dec 15, 2018 1:38:19 GMT
Yep. I dated a lady once where the boot was definitely on the other foot. The AP side in this FA came out and it was a real eye opener for me. In the end, I stopped chasing her and it died. If I ever needed confirmation that I’m FA, that was it.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2018 2:08:53 GMT
Yes, throwaway1713, it can flip for an FA depending on the pairing. Someone FA has all the nervous system triggers: the avoidant fear of engulfment will shut the nervous system down if there's too much intimacy and the anxious fear of abandonment will trigger an overactive nervous system looking for external validation to calm it (chasing to relieve anxiety). I've come to believe the only way to have a healthy sustaining romantic love is for it to exist BETWEEN the triggers. It's a choice, not tied to coping mechanism behaviors. Triggering at all in any direction creates distance between the triggered person and their partner, and the person being triggered usually still has wounds unrelated to the partner and unaddressed trauma that's going to block love. Are you just trying to understand this and let go or is having any information about his girlfriend triggering your anxiety? Maybe you should draw a boundary with people who know him that they don't share any news about him with you? |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 15, 2018 21:03:49 GMT
Thank you both, very helpful responses. It would seem that FA is indeed what he is. I was mainly interested to know if I’d got it right. His response to what I sent him about FA was really dismissive, he ‘knew it all already’, which he might very well do. It’s completely his own journey and I’m leaving him to it.
Thank you in particular for your response Alexandra. I had a massive realisation yesterday, after finding out he was with someone else I spent about 5 days obsessively talking to my Mother (my main break up therapist!) and friends about what it means, what’s going to happen, about his problem etc etc. It hit me yesterday after I spoke to his Mum...I’ve gotta stop this. I know the only way I will heal through this is if I can let go and if I keep going on and on about him, about ‘will he come back?’ ‘what’s going to happen?’ ‘ what about (this) and (this) factor?’, I will stay stuck and won’t heal. I realized my constant talking and ruminating with my Mum had become a bandaid for my non-acceptance. If I kept talking about it with her I could keep the relationship alive, in a weird way. So I decided to go cold turkey today. I remembered all the reasons why the relationship was bad, he really was such a terrible partner towards the end, and I haven’t used my usual crutch at all today. No more phone calls about him. I’ve done everything I can, I did my absolute best in the relationship and I’ve done great at NC. I finally blocked him (and the new girl as an extra measure) on all social media as soon as I found out about the relationship.
So now I’m gonna refocus all my energy on my life and my healing. I have no idea how this will unfold, but I’m no longer holding out for him to return. To be honest, I’m starting to feel for the very first time like I don’t know if I’d ever want him again.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2018 23:21:54 GMT
So now I’m gonna refocus all my energy on my life and my healing. I have no idea how this will unfold, but I’m no longer holding out for him to return. To be honest, I’m starting to feel for the very first time like I don’t know if I’d ever want him again. Good for you. I think feeling like you truly did your best is very helpful in the process. You know you can't fix someone else's issues, and it's doubly impossible to help if they aren't ready or willing to try to confront their issues and heal. If anyone with any knowledge tried to talk to me about my AP before I was ready, I expect I would have gotten defensive and felt insecure/judged though kept it in mind and done my own research (and I do wish someone had known to tell me when I was younger). But once I was aware and understood, and especially once I started working on it, if someone decided to give me resources or whatever, I'd have absolutely engaged about it. So, I think you did the right thing in giving you both space, and I interpret your response when he contacted you as just caring enough to want to make sure he knew without being overbearing about it while also basically setting a boundary -- you can talk to me after you're willing to deal with this. His response of, I already know, then running away is, he's not changed in a way you're willing to connect to yet... or he'd respond to you differently, I believe. So there's nothing left for you to do but look after yourself and move on, because he can't give you what you want anyway, and there's zero guarantee he'll address his issues. ab made a good little outcome tree at the bottom of the page in this other thread that I agree with in regard to any, let's call them "unaware or unwilling" avoidant type (assuming that the relationship problems are actually all insecure-attachment-related): jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1572/partner-left-first-sign-love?page=5Focusing on nurturing yourself and keeping your boundaries is the best way to care for yourself in these instances. |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Dec 16, 2018 22:50:14 GMT
Thank you Alexandra. Yep, I completely understand how impossible it would be to really hear and accept information about your own attachment disorder before you’re ready to hear it. And his response makes it blatantly obvious he’s not ready. In every other aspect of his life he is super insightful and willing to go as deep as possible. But he is completely stuck by his responses to the feelings involved in relationships. He just can’t go there.
He is extremely masterful about controlling situations so that he doesn’t have to disclose anything about his true feelings. He will talk about someone else’s deepest fears and problems for hours, but when it comes to him, he can’t even say words. When we were together I’d periodically check in with him, remind him I was here if he needed to talk but also that he didn’t have to if it was too hard. I really feel like I couldn’t have done any better as a partner! I was sooo patient and sensitive to his feelings.
And I feel like the NC I instigated was a really sane thing to do. I know what my feelings towards him are, I can’t deny or suppress them and I absolutely couldn’t be just his friend. So much saner to stay completely away from him.
I feel like I’ve done the right thing by sending him the info about FA and CPTSD. I sent it as a video for two reasons, because he’s dyslexic and because I also feel it’s important that he has control over whether or not he watches it, which he can with a video. He can just ignore it if he’s not ready. But it’ll always be there if he ever feels ready.
I’ve done all I can and I’m truly separating from him from now on. Blocking him feels good. Really facing the grief feels good (in a super painful way!). I know I can stop loving him the way I do, I did with my first love, it took 3 years to truly get over him. I never in a million years thought I’d have to get over my soulmate, I never thought I’d even find a soulmate! So it’s been a crazy few years. I’m glad I’m aware of attachment disorders now too, I was so naive before and I had absolutely no idea they existed. What an eye opener! Hopefully this will be a brilliant lesson for my next relationship, whenever that may appear.
Thanks again for your help, this really is a brilliant, kind and informative forum.
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