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Thoughts?
Dec 15, 2018 21:05:37 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 15, 2018 21:05:37 GMT
So I came up with some “boundaries” for me with my FA guy. I’m not going to have sex with him until I get that commitment that I truly need. Where he is calling me his girlfriend etc. I’m not doing this to get back at him but to also protect myself. Also I’m not going to be exclusive with him unless he wants to be my official boyfriend and I’m going to make sure we both have an understanding of each others needs. I am still open to seeing eachother but I’m not going to give him the girlfriend benefits without him giving me security. Are these what everyone is talking about with boundaries? Right now he isn’t talking with me so I am going to go NC for a month and I could reach out again later. Thoughts?
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Dec 16, 2018 5:11:58 GMT
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Post by epicgum on Dec 16, 2018 5:11:58 GMT
So, the taxonomy of the forum is generally understood that the "support" forums are for people "with" the attachment style and the subject forums are for those encountering others with the attachment style. So, in my view, this belongs in the non-support forum. These are more active anyway, so you'll get better responses there anyway.
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Dec 16, 2018 6:45:58 GMT
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Post by mrob on Dec 16, 2018 6:45:58 GMT
I’d feel manipulated into doing what you want, but if you’re up front, he can make the choice. Is security a well reason for seeking someone anyway?
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Dec 16, 2018 8:02:51 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 8:02:51 GMT
I’d feel manipulated into doing what you want, but if you’re up front, he can make the choice. Is security a well reason for seeking someone anyway? It’s not the reason. I just want to feel secure in the realationship. Don’t you think that’s the best way? I just feel like emotionally should match with physically |
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Dec 16, 2018 9:27:30 GMT
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Post by mrob on Dec 16, 2018 9:27:30 GMT
Where’s his thoughts about this? How do they fit in? Surely dating is an assessment of compatibility?
Aah. I found his thoughts in another thread, and it’s the same old chestnut of a person thinking they know better about what another wants than they do. He said he doesn’t have feelings. Respect his choice and leave him alone. I’m sorry.
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Dec 16, 2018 11:37:37 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 11:37:37 GMT
Where’s his thoughts about this? How do they fit in? Surely dating is an assessment of compatibility? Aah. I found his thoughts in another thread, and it’s the same old chestnut of a person thinking they know better about what another wants than they do. He said he doesn’t have feelings. Respect his choice and leave him alone. I’m sorry. What? |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 16, 2018 17:14:29 GMT
Since we are still posting in this area, let me take a stab at it.
People are only as needy as their unmet needs...both you and him have needs that are going unmet. On an overt level, yours are for security, and his are for independence--but how much security and how much independence is needed is not clear. Right now each of you is triggering the other in this, exacerbating the problem.
I think what you are doing on this forum is trying to get validation for your needs. Your needs and his needs--whatever they may be; sex, love, affection, getting dressed up like a clown and spanked etc.--are valid, end of story.
If you can really discuss your needs and his needs in an open and non threatening manner, you may be able to negotiate something that works for both of you. Perhaps he doesn't have any interest in hooking up with other people, but has an aversion to the word boyfriend. Maybe you don't actually mind if he hooks up with other people, you just want to know that you are important to him via the title.
For myself, so much opportunity was squandered between myself and my former partner because we were both scared of having this kind of dialog.
Only you guys can work through this by really having a discussion about it. Things that I wish I had personally known in the past are as follows--your relationship is personal to you and the two of you can build it however you want...BUT, the one non-negotiable is that BOTH of you are happy with the arrangement. Right now, you are not happy, and to be honest, he isn't happy either. This really is non-negotiable, so I'm repeating it--you both need to be happy with the arrangement.
Maybe there is no compromise between the two of you that will bridge the gap and you both need to walk away, sadly this is extremely likely. But ya never know, maybe there is.
The best books I can reccomend on this would be the later chapters of "Attached" (which is where I was first exposed to attachment styles) and "Getting to Yes" (which is a classic book on what I would call "relationship positive" negotiation)
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Dec 16, 2018 19:59:10 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 19:59:10 GMT
Since we are still posting in this area, let me take a stab at it. People are only as needy as their unmet needs...both you and him have needs that are going unmet. On an overt level, yours are for security, and his are for independence--but how much security and how much independence is needed is not clear. Right now each of you is triggering the other in this, exacerbating the problem. I think what you are doing on this forum is trying to get validation for your needs. Your needs and his needs--whatever they may be; sex, love, affection, getting dressed up like a clown and spanked etc.--are valid, end of story. If you can really discuss your needs and his needs in an open and non threatening manner, you may be able to negotiate something that works for both of you. Perhaps he doesn't have any interest in hooking up with other people, but has an aversion to the word boyfriend. Maybe you don't actually mind if he hooks up with other people, you just want to know that you are important to him via the title. For myself, so much opportunity was squandered between myself and my former partner because we were both scared of having this kind of dialog. Only you guys can work through this by really having a discussion about it. Things that I wish I had personally known in the past are as follows--your relationship is personal to you and the two of you can build it however you want...BUT, the one non-negotiable is that BOTH of you are happy with the arrangement. Right now, you are not happy, and to be honest, he isn't happy either. This really is non-negotiable, so I'm repeating it--you both need to be happy with the arrangement. Maybe there is no compromise between the two of you that will bridge the gap and you both need to walk away, sadly this is extremely likely. But ya never know, maybe there is. The best books I can reccomend on this would be the later chapters of "Attached" (which is where I was first exposed to attachment styles) and "Getting to Yes" (which is a classic book on what I would call "relationship positive" negotiation) Thank you so much for your input. I know he is capable of having a realationship bc his old girlfriend he dated in highschool and into college. The things that’s weird is apparently he was obsessed with her. (According to a friend) I personally think that their breakup and his parents getting divorced during it, is what made him the way he is. Can people still have attachment problems even if they had a healthy relationship with their parents when they were very little? |
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Dec 16, 2018 21:00:25 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Dec 16, 2018 21:00:25 GMT
Since we are still posting in this area, let me take a stab at it. People are only as needy as their unmet needs...both you and him have needs that are going unmet. On an overt level, yours are for security, and his are for independence--but how much security and how much independence is needed is not clear. Right now each of you is triggering the other in this, exacerbating the problem. I think what you are doing on this forum is trying to get validation for your needs. Your needs and his needs--whatever they may be; sex, love, affection, getting dressed up like a clown and spanked etc.--are valid, end of story. If you can really discuss your needs and his needs in an open and non threatening manner, you may be able to negotiate something that works for both of you. Perhaps he doesn't have any interest in hooking up with other people, but has an aversion to the word boyfriend. Maybe you don't actually mind if he hooks up with other people, you just want to know that you are important to him via the title. For myself, so much opportunity was squandered between myself and my former partner because we were both scared of having this kind of dialog. Only you guys can work through this by really having a discussion about it. Things that I wish I had personally known in the past are as follows--your relationship is personal to you and the two of you can build it however you want...BUT, the one non-negotiable is that BOTH of you are happy with the arrangement. Right now, you are not happy, and to be honest, he isn't happy either. This really is non-negotiable, so I'm repeating it--you both need to be happy with the arrangement. Maybe there is no compromise between the two of you that will bridge the gap and you both need to walk away, sadly this is extremely likely. But ya never know, maybe there is. The best books I can reccomend on this would be the later chapters of "Attached" (which is where I was first exposed to attachment styles) and "Getting to Yes" (which is a classic book on what I would call "relationship positive" negotiation) Thank you so much for your input. I know he is capable of having a realationship bc his old girlfriend he dated in highschool and into college. The things that’s weird is apparently he was obsessed with her. (According to a friend) I personally think that their breakup and his parents getting divorced during it, is what made him the way he is. Can people still have attachment problems even if they had a healthy relationship with their parents when they were very little? You don't know if he's capable of having a relationship. Being obsessed with your partner isn't good and often indicates problems. His ex may have been very distant and the relationship they had perhaps was distant as well and would not have been acceptable to you. You also don't know what his childhood was like, but yes. Even if his relationship with his parents was healthy, several other factors in childhood can cause attachment issues. Anything trauma-related can cause them, and can even swing adult secure to insecure if it's bad enough. Can you consolidate your threads so that all the detail and responses are in one place? |
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Dec 16, 2018 21:06:35 GMT
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Post by epicgum on Dec 16, 2018 21:06:35 GMT
Since we are still posting in this area, let me take a stab at it. People are only as needy as their unmet needs...both you and him have needs that are going unmet. On an overt level, yours are for security, and his are for independence--but how much security and how much independence is needed is not clear. Right now each of you is triggering the other in this, exacerbating the problem. I think what you are doing on this forum is trying to get validation for your needs. Your needs and his needs--whatever they may be; sex, love, affection, getting dressed up like a clown and spanked etc.--are valid, end of story. If you can really discuss your needs and his needs in an open and non threatening manner, you may be able to negotiate something that works for both of you. Perhaps he doesn't have any interest in hooking up with other people, but has an aversion to the word boyfriend. Maybe you don't actually mind if he hooks up with other people, you just want to know that you are important to him via the title. For myself, so much opportunity was squandered between myself and my former partner because we were both scared of having this kind of dialog. Only you guys can work through this by really having a discussion about it. Things that I wish I had personally known in the past are as follows--your relationship is personal to you and the two of you can build it however you want...BUT, the one non-negotiable is that BOTH of you are happy with the arrangement. Right now, you are not happy, and to be honest, he isn't happy either. This really is non-negotiable, so I'm repeating it--you both need to be happy with the arrangement. Maybe there is no compromise between the two of you that will bridge the gap and you both need to walk away, sadly this is extremely likely. But ya never know, maybe there is. The best books I can reccomend on this would be the later chapters of "Attached" (which is where I was first exposed to attachment styles) and "Getting to Yes" (which is a classic book on what I would call "relationship positive" negotiation) Thank you so much for your input. I know he is capable of having a realationship bc his old girlfriend he dated in highschool and into college. The things that’s weird is apparently he was obsessed with her. (According to a friend) I personally think that their breakup and his parents getting divorced during it, is what made him the way he is. Can people still have attachment problems even if they had a healthy relationship with their parents when they were very little? The cause of people's emotional availability, ie. their comfort level with intimacy, is not completely understood. I personally think that while your relationship with your parents is highly influential, so is your genetics, your relationship with peers growing up, and your adult romantic experiences. Each experience teaches you on a subconscious level how open and trusting you should be, and how you expect people to react. My parents are not abusive people, they are really amazing, kind and generous. But even so, their own weaknesses on regards to communication, intimacy, emotional availability, neediness and distance certainly had an impact on how I am, as did my experiences as an adolescent and my prior romantic experience. A warning; Like your boyfriend, I also had a ltr 5yrs that spanned HS and college. It's ending (which involved commitment phobia on my part and infidelity on hers) was pretty traumatizing. A year later I met a very AP girl that I liked and we started dating/sleeping together. Truthfully, I was still not recovered and was not emotionally available. The relationship became extremely toxic with her distressed and chasing and me trying to sooth her even as I pushed her away to maintain my independence. In the end it became very damaging for both of us. I wouldn't wish anyone to fall into that trap. That said, you are very much ahead of the game by learning this stuff now. I dont think, as some do, that these partnerships are doomed to fail. A good relationship--in my view--can act as it's own form of therapy, helping both insecure parties heal. But, the more you know, the more you will be able to recognize the things within yourself that stand in the way of intimacy and connection, and the better you will be able to respond constructively instead of destructively in the future. For the present, I'd advise working to try to understand what and why you are feeling and learning more about the AP attachment style and learning how to become more secure. By getting yourself to a good place you make it more likely that you can have a healthy relationship with this guy or someone else. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 16, 2018 21:33:29 GMT
I actually agree with you epicgum. I think you don’t learn anything from leaving the difficult relationships- it’s subjecting yourself to hardship and learning from mistakes that teaches you. but sometimes you do need the space to get out of that fight/flight/freeze reactivity and get some perspective. That being said- I also think both parties should be able to hold themselves and each other accountable. |
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Dec 16, 2018 21:41:31 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 21:41:31 GMT
Thank you so much for your input. I know he is capable of having a realationship bc his old girlfriend he dated in highschool and into college. The things that’s weird is apparently he was obsessed with her. (According to a friend) I personally think that their breakup and his parents getting divorced during it, is what made him the way he is. Can people still have attachment problems even if they had a healthy relationship with their parents when they were very little? The cause of people's emotional availability, ie. their comfort level with intimacy, is not completely understood. I personally think that while your relationship with your parents is highly influential, so is your genetics, your relationship with peers growing up, and your adult romantic experiences. Each experience teaches you on a subconscious level how open and trusting you should be, and how you expect people to react. My parents are not abusive people, they are really amazing, kind and generous. But even so, their own weaknesses on regards to communication, intimacy, emotional availability, neediness and distance certainly had an impact on how I am, as did my experiences as an adolescent and my prior romantic experience. A warning; Like your boyfriend, I also had a ltr 5yrs that spanned HS and college. It's ending (which involved commitment phobia on my part and infidelity on hers) was pretty traumatizing. A year later I met a very AP girl that I liked and we started dating/sleeping together. Truthfully, I was still not recovered and was not emotionally available. The relationship became extremely toxic with her distressed and chasing and me trying to sooth her even as I pushed her away to maintain my independence. In the end it became very damaging for both of us. I wouldn't wish anyone to fall into that trap. That said, you are very much ahead of the game by learning this stuff now. I dont think, as some do, that these partnerships are doomed to fail. A good relationship--in my view--can act as it's own form of therapy, helping both insecure parties heal. But, the more you know, the more you will be able to recognize the things within yourself that stand in the way of intimacy and connection, and the better you will be able to respond constructively instead of destructively in the future. For the present, I'd advise working to try to understand what and why you are feeling and learning more about the AP attachment style and learning how to become more secure. By getting yourself to a good place you make it more likely that you can have a healthy relationship with this guy or someone else. [br Thank you so much this is so insightful! That’s very beneficial to hear about your commitment problems after a 5 year relationship. This sounds very similar in some ways. I feel like we just have to compromise and be patient. I was very happy with how things were going and we were improving and then out of nowhere he doesn’t text me for two days. If you mind could you tell me what happened with you and that girl? Maybe get a perspective about your feelings then? |
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Dec 16, 2018 21:47:05 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 16, 2018 21:47:05 GMT
I actually agree with you epicgum. I think you don’t learn anything from leaving the difficult relationships- it’s subjecting yourself to hardship and learning from mistakes that teaches you. but sometimes you do need the space to get out of that fight/flight/freeze reactivity and get some perspective. That being said- I also think both parties should be able to hold themselves and each other accountable. I know that I can be a lot to handle as well. I have a lot of anxiety problems (not even with relationships) and I would like someone to be patient with me as well. He hasn’t really experienced that side of me yet, I usually am open when I get to know someone really well. I just am not the type to give up. I think it says a lot that while we were “broken up” and living in different cities for almost a year, we were able to rekindle our love. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 1:12:56 GMT
I’d feel manipulated into doing what you want, but if you’re up front, he can make the choice. Is security a well reason for seeking someone anyway?I think so - it's arguably one of the main reasons some people have successful marriages, because especially as you get older and more fragile, or building a family unit together, security and stability are invaluable... whether those on the avoidant spectrum (myself included) like it or not, we are fallible and we will become weaker, and less self sufficient at times in our lives, and we need people that we can rely on. If someone can't make you feel safe in a relationship, well, they're likely dysregulating to your nervous system, which will ultimately probably make you sick in the long run - there's studies about this too |
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Dec 18, 2018 6:06:47 GMT
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 6:06:47 GMT
Since we are still posting in this area, let me take a stab at it. People are only as needy as their unmet needs...both you and him have needs that are going unmet. On an overt level, yours are for security, and his are for independence--but how much security and how much independence is needed is not clear. Right now each of you is triggering the other in this, exacerbating the problem. I think what you are doing on this forum is trying to get validation for your needs. Your needs and his needs--whatever they may be; sex, love, affection, getting dressed up like a clown and spanked etc.--are valid, end of story. If you can really discuss your needs and his needs in an open and non threatening manner, you may be able to negotiate something that works for both of you. Perhaps he doesn't have any interest in hooking up with other people, but has an aversion to the word boyfriend. Maybe you don't actually mind if he hooks up with other people, you just want to know that you are important to him via the title. For myself, so much opportunity was squandered between myself and my former partner because we were both scared of having this kind of dialog. Only you guys can work through this by really having a discussion about it. Things that I wish I had personally known in the past are as follows--your relationship is personal to you and the two of you can build it however you want...BUT, the one non-negotiable is that BOTH of you are happy with the arrangement. Right now, you are not happy, and to be honest, he isn't happy either. This really is non-negotiable, so I'm repeating it--you both need to be happy with the arrangement. Maybe there is no compromise between the two of you that will bridge the gap and you both need to walk away, sadly this is extremely likely. But ya never know, maybe there is. The best books I can reccomend on this would be the later chapters of "Attached" (which is where I was first exposed to attachment styles) and "Getting to Yes" (which is a classic book on what I would call "relationship positive" negotiation) kathy94 - I think epicgum’s advice to be direct and open about your thoughts, feelings and needs with your partner is sound and spot on. Being open and direct may not work with an avoidant, he may shut down- but if that’s the case, you also got your answer that he’s unwilling to hear your needs and explore ways to make you both happy and fulfilled. Open those doors to communicate the best way you can and see if there is a way you can negotiate and both be happy. |
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