So exhausted by this break up

yea i know that feeling... i did remember once when ex and I were talking about why i'm in such a state, and i said to him that he's changed once we got settled into the relationship, and took everything away from me. when we first got together, oh the love, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and connection we showed each other was so wonderful. then at some point, he deactivated and just took all of that away from me. that's exactly what i said "you gave me everything and that is why we are together, and then when we got together, you just took everything away from me!" 

Yes, shingingstar, that’s how I feel. That’s exactly how he was- loving, supportive, affectionate...wonderful. Maybe it falls under the category it something seems to good to be true, it probably is! The red flags were there, but he was so wonderful and loving to me that I couldn’t imagine him the way he described himself to his exes- until he changed. It was like a light switch. When I told him he changed he said that WE had changed. I think that reveals his unrealistic expectations- I wasn’t absolutely perfect so his feelings changed and his pre-conceived beliefs about relationships was confirmed. I think he also suffers from depression- he’s extremely defeated and hopeless and rarely leaves the house for anything social.

Yes, very good point (and thanks for the hugs!). I completely agree with you that acceptance is key. I'm not angry at my behaviours and responses that skew away from secure and my self-esteem is pretty solid. I am largely secure, my relationship with my FA ex resulted in AP tendencies presenting themselves in me as a result of his extreme shut down. I had no idea about attachment styles and didn't know what was going on with him at all. I now see that those tendencies were vestiges of my attachment style(s) presenting themselves, which has been super enlightening. I now understand if I feel that kind of anxiety again I know where it comes from and, like you said, it can be embraced and accepted rather than indulged in or suppressed. 

My AP tendencies were minimal and were localised to the final couple of months of our relationship as he shut down completely. When he said he wanted us to break up, I let him go immediately. I knew there was something bigger in him than couldn't be argued or reasoned with even though at the time I didn't know what it was (I later discovered all about FA!). I began NC with him straight away. There was no begging, no drama, no chasing, no protest behaviours at all from me. I haven't spoken to him in 9 months, since the day he said he no longer wanted a romantic relationship. The pain and suffering since the break up are mine only, they exist only in my head, caused by unexamined thoughts.

The big lesson I've learned from this break up has been exactly that, all the suffering I am experiencing is thought created. It's been a revelation for me, and it was actually my ex who first taught me that lesson! He is supremely wise, but he's not at a stage in his life where he can apply his own wisdom to his situation. I accept that, which is why I've left him to it. This is his journey alone, just like mine is mine alone. 

sissyk and chipper I do wonder about these intense connections. What is that essence that makes them seem so unique, beautiful, and often unprecedented-- something we most want to maintain and continue-- and yet the most difficult ones to maintain and continue. The irony is piercing sometimes. From reading Harville Hendrix, it makes me think sometimes the people we end up in this situation with (it's often a DA-AP or FA-AP matching) there's this subconscious recognition that the connection has the *potential* to be mutually beneficial-- the healing that would occur if both people were mutually moving towards a secure relation together-- they each have what the other needs. It's like finally finding someone who speaks your language. Unfortunately it can seem like that mutually moving towards secure together almost never actually happens, as most people in such a pairing lack the awareness, knowledge, tools, etc. to make it happen. Our subconscious knows it's the holy grail though, if only it could happen.

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In what I’ve read, it seems that FA-AP recognize in each other a need to earn love. The FA feels they don’t deserve it and the AP feels they have to work for it by pouring into the relationship. But that “likeness” is what draws us to each other. We just “get” each other, however we are very polarizing to each other as well. It’s just sad for both of us.