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Post by goldilocks on Dec 19, 2018 10:33:49 GMT
Goldilocks suggested I move this thread to General DA discussion since it seemed appropriate (and was getting wider participation.) Done! Thank you so much! |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 19, 2018 14:12:48 GMT
I mean, I'm mostly raging against myself and my own issues and their consequences, if you read my posting history. There's neil Strauss line that comes to mind: "The difference between an obligation and a commitment is that an obligation comes from outside yourself, a commitment comes from within.
Reduce your obligations. Strengthen your commitments."But to be honest, I think that all of this is a bit of a cop out. I'm not talking about other people's obligations/commitments to you....I'm talking about your commitments/obligations to other people. Obviously in our modern age with things like physical abuse, the expectation is that you should leave your partner, but what about if you just aren't in love anymore? What if you just aren't fully satisfied anymore? Do you just leave? If so, then what's the point of all of this "for better or for worse" crap? I'm on the same page as the bold bits. I prefer devotion to commitment. because devotion obviously comes from the heart, while commitment can be contractual. Less obligation/expectation/taking for granted More devotion/standards/appreciation Not that a bit of legal/social pressure to fullfil your commitment has no role, but this should not be the mainstay of what bonds you. Children of married people do better than children of parents with no commitment at all. Obviously even in a good marriage, there are hard times and when you have small children there is a lot of gruntwork that is not fun or glamorous. Polarity is essential to feeling in love and attraction. Yet running a household and raising children puts us into depolarizing roles. In my opinion it is extremely important to have practices in place to maintain polarity, which is often overlooked in both traditional and modern life. Traditional couples just stayed together in spite of boredom or unhappiness (as even people with abusive husbands or cheating wives were shunned harshly after divorce) and modern couples simply split. In my opinion, a deep commitment would include not only the legal/financial side "Harder to meet financial obligations like housing and childcare" or social pressures "Will lose most of our friends", but first and foremost practices to maintain both connection and polarity. Things that are good for the relationship even if the individuals involved don't feel like doing them in the moment, they have committed to a higher structure; the marriage or love relationship. Practices can be as simple as having a date night, maintaining hygiene and fitness, having most dinners without screens or whatever works for you. It is very individual and hence it is so important we discuss this before committing. What do you mean by "polarity" ? |
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Post by goldilocks on Dec 19, 2018 15:44:20 GMT
The qualities and differences that elicit attraction. This can be masculinity/femininity or something else depending on your natures and preferences.
Of course it is also possible to have a relationship without polarity, based on connection alone. Some people do not prioritize it and choose more of a sibling relationship.
Entirely up to the couple in question.
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 20, 2018 0:44:23 GMT
I find it questionable that people on an attachment styles forum should be debating whether or not to stay in a relationship when one falls "out of love" given that most of us struggle with defining what it actually means to be "in love" (and often confuse nervous system activation, tension, the highs of the DA/AP dance, desire/longing, etc. with "being in love.")
Personally I find the "am I better off with or without this person in my life" question to be a good way to decide this. Of course, answering this honestly is assuming you are capable of being financially independent, and also that you d believe on a deep level that you could be/live alone and be just fine. A lot of women struggle to believe that and so stay in unhealthy relationships thinking it's better than the alternative.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 20, 2018 0:54:06 GMT
@leavethelighton "A lot of women struggle to believe that and so stay in unhealthy relationships thinking it's better than the alternative."
Truth! So do some men...
Im so glad I can be on my own, I refuse to stay in something bad. Im personally a I need to be financially independent even before I get into a relashionship. When my life was a 'mess' I did not date, I had no business bringing my mess of a life into someone elses. I needed to pick up my own pieces and put it back together before dating.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 20, 2018 23:08:34 GMT
I find it questionable that people on an attachment styles forum should be debating whether or not to stay in a relationship when one falls "out of love" given that most of us struggle with defining what it actually means to be "in love" (and often confuse nervous system activation, tension, the highs of the DA/AP dance, desire/longing, etc. with "being in love.") Personally I find the "am I better off with or without this person in my life" question to be a good way to decide this. Of course, answering this honestly is assuming you are capable of being financially independent, and also that you d believe on a deep level that you could be/live alone and be just fine. A lot of women struggle to believe that and so stay in unhealthy relationships thinking it's better than the alternative. Haha there is some truth to that...for myself, what drove me to this subject matter was an extreme sense of anxiety over making romantic commitments, so the question is definitely relevant to me in regards to attachment. As for defining love, yeah that's a whole bother thread. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2018 23:26:23 GMT
I find it questionable that people on an attachment styles forum should be debating whether or not to stay in a relationship when one falls "out of love" given that most of us struggle with defining what it actually means to be "in love" (and often confuse nervous system activation, tension, the highs of the DA/AP dance, desire/longing, etc. with "being in love.") Personally I find the "am I better off with or without this person in my life" question to be a good way to decide this. Of course, answering this honestly is assuming you are capable of being financially independent, and also that you d believe on a deep level that you could be/live alone and be just fine. A lot of women struggle to believe that and so stay in unhealthy relationships thinking it's better than the alternative. "am I better off with or without this person in my life" > sometimes I also get confused in this!! so there's abit of a logic fart for me here, i think depending on how "better off" is defined. if i am triggered, clearly i am NOT better off with this person in my life. if that's the case, then I should only be with people who don't trigger me, but that will essentially mean that I will never learn how to get over myself and my limitations because I don't even see where the issues are since the bells are not ringing there. i think my fundamental assumption is that you can't grow and expand if you don't heal the woulds that are limiting you, and when i avoid those wounds, i'm not better off. in a separate note more true to the original topic, I did read her work while i was triggered, and now I read again while i'm not. i think the things she talk about is true for everyone... the freedom to be together without having to take on other people's baggage as your responsibility. it just manifests in different ways with different people e.g., I'm DA with my family but AP with a particular ex. she captured the essence of it so succinctly and so well. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 22, 2018 0:57:01 GMT
@shiningstar who is the "she" you're talking about whose work you read?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2018 8:06:47 GMT
@shiningstar who is the "she" you're talking about whose work you read? The writer of this -- medium.com/@krisgage > I thought it's written by a woman |
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