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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 7:41:16 GMT
A legit question I have... I noticed a lot of times my FA guy and I would have plans to meet up at night for a little. Sex was definitely going to be the main activity. It started getting to a point where that was all we really did. At times one would think he’s using me but then last minute he’d say “something came up” and we wouldn’t be able to meet up. I just think it’s weird as most guys would be looking forward to it. Especially since we only hung out like once a week?itd be so last minute too and he’d have a weird excuse. Like one time he said his mom needed to meet with him to talk? The other time it was bc his roommates and friends were about to come home? If he’s using me that’s a weird way to go about it? Also I noticed at the beginning of our realationship we’d have morning sex like every morning. The past few months we haven’t at all. I’m just trying to get some insight bc I’m really just curious looking at it tbh.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 8:34:56 GMT
Any chance he met someone new? It'd make sense to make wishy-washy excuses and seek less sex.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 15:04:11 GMT
A legit question I have... I noticed a lot of times my FA guy and I would have plans to meet up at night for a little. Sex was definitely going to be the main activity. It started getting to a point where that was all we really did. At times one would think he’s using me but then last minute he’d say “something came up” and we wouldn’t be able to meet up. I just think it’s weird as most guys would be looking forward to it. Especially since we only hung out like once a week?itd be so last minute too and he’d have a weird excuse. Like one time he said his mom needed to meet with him to talk? The other time it was bc his roommates and friends were about to come home? If he’s using me that’s a weird way to go about it? Also I noticed at the beginning of our realationship we’d have morning sex like every morning. The past few months we haven’t at all. I’m just trying to get some insight bc I’m really just curious looking at it tbh. Kathy my FA boyfriend did the very same thing. When we'd meet up in the evening it felt like he had to get it of his chest at the very beginning off the date. He would say " sorry but we won't be having sex tonight ". I would be like yes sure what ever but in my head him saying that would trigger all sorts. I felt I could never question him about why he says such things and say let see how the night goes. It really felt like he couldn't relax until he got the sex bit of his chest. It use to really effect me as I'd never been with any guy who has said such a thing. He adores me and is very loving, tactile and shows he cares for me in many other ways, but no sex unfortunately. I'm getting better at just loving what we have, especially since having more understanding of attachment theory. I have been very unwell this last week and I can honestly say no one has loved and cared for me the way my bf has he has been amazing. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 15:19:06 GMT
Any chance he met someone new? It'd make sense to make wishy-washy excuses and seek less sex. I don’t think so... the only thing is one time when he last minute told me not to come bc he had to go meet with his mom at her hotel (he said she was in town for business) I noticed he turned off his location which I thought made no since. I was thinking he was either A. Hanging out with his guys last minute.(huge guys guy rather hang with them than me) B. Being weird and anxious and wanted to just go to sleep. It was a work night and 11pm. I’ve talked to his friends and they even told me he doesn’t really get girls. Even his friends who are girls told me he doesn’t get them. His friends both told me he has mood swings and anxiety attacks all the time. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 15:24:25 GMT
A legit question I have... I noticed a lot of times my FA guy and I would have plans to meet up at night for a little. Sex was definitely going to be the main activity. It started getting to a point where that was all we really did. At times one would think he’s using me but then last minute he’d say “something came up” and we wouldn’t be able to meet up. I just think it’s weird as most guys would be looking forward to it. Especially since we only hung out like once a week?itd be so last minute too and he’d have a weird excuse. Like one time he said his mom needed to meet with him to talk? The other time it was bc his roommates and friends were about to come home? If he’s using me that’s a weird way to go about it? Also I noticed at the beginning of our realationship we’d have morning sex like every morning. The past few months we haven’t at all. I’m just trying to get some insight bc I’m really just curious looking at it tbh. Kathy my FA boyfriend did the very same thing. When we'd meet up in the evening it felt like he had to get it of his chest at the very beginning off the date. He would say " sorry but we won't be having sex tonight ". I would be like yes sure what ever but in my head him saying that would trigger all sorts. I felt I could never question him about why he says such things and say let see how the night goes. It really felt like he couldn't relax until he got the sex bit of his chest. It use to really effect me as I'd never been with any guy who has said such a thing. He adores me and is very loving, tactile and shows he cares for me in many other ways, but no sex unfortunately. I'm getting better at just loving what we have, especially since having more understanding of attachment theory. I have been very unwell this last week and I can honestly say no one has loved and cared for me the way my bf has he has been amazing. [ Well it’s weird though bc he would like last minute not be able to see me. One time I mentioned not thinking we should have sex and he got so emotional and mad. And told me to just not come over. And then the next day I said okay let’s have sex and he ignored me for two days. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 15:24:35 GMT
A legit question I have... I noticed a lot of times my FA guy and I would have plans to meet up at night for a little. Sex was definitely going to be the main activity. It started getting to a point where that was all we really did. At times one would think he’s using me but then last minute he’d say “something came up” and we wouldn’t be able to meet up. I just think it’s weird as most guys would be looking forward to it. Especially since we only hung out like once a week?itd be so last minute too and he’d have a weird excuse. Like one time he said his mom needed to meet with him to talk? The other time it was bc his roommates and friends were about to come home? If he’s using me that’s a weird way to go about it? Also I noticed at the beginning of our realationship we’d have morning sex like every morning. The past few months we haven’t at all. I’m just trying to get some insight bc I’m really just curious looking at it tbh. Kathy my FA boyfriend did the very same thing. When we'd meet up in the evening it felt like he had to get it of his chest at the very beginning off the date. He would say " sorry but we won't be having sex tonight ". I would be like yes sure what ever but in my head him saying that would trigger all sorts. I felt I could never question him about why he says such things and say let see how the night goes. It really felt like he couldn't relax until he got the sex bit of his chest. It use to really effect me as I'd never been with any guy who has said such a thing. He adores me and is very loving, tactile and shows he cares for me in many other ways, but no sex unfortunately. I'm getting better at just loving what we have, especially since having more understanding of attachment theory. I have been very unwell this last week and I can honestly say no one has loved and cared for me the way my bf has he has been amazing. [ Well it’s weird though bc he would like last minute not be able to see me. One time I mentioned not thinking we should have sex and he got so emotional and mad. And told me to just not come over. And then the next day I said okay let’s have sex and he ignored me for two days. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 19, 2018 15:26:59 GMT
You stalked him using the location of his phone? Is this ok?
In my first marriage I used sex as a tool to control her and get what I wanted, and it didn’t work. She found it, and the attending tenderness elsewhere.
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 15:38:41 GMT
You stalked him using the location of his phone? Is this ok? In my first marriage I used sex as a tool to control her and get what I wanted, and it didn’t work. She found it, and the attending tenderness elsewhere. Well it’s his snap chat location. And I saw he turned it off. Could u go into detail about how you thought it would control her? I notice a lot of the time he would ask me to hang out and once I said I could he would then come up with some excuse. Almost like he just wanted to make sure I would be available for him and once he knew I was he would then not even want to hang out. Like most guys would want to hangout and Ben physical with their girl. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 15:44:31 GMT
Kathy my FA boyfriend did the very same thing. When we'd meet up in the evening it felt like he had to get it of his chest at the very beginning off the date. He would say " sorry but we won't be having sex tonight ". I would be like yes sure what ever but in my head him saying that would trigger all sorts. I felt I could never question him about why he says such things and say let see how the night goes. It really felt like he couldn't relax until he got the sex bit of his chest. It use to really effect me as I'd never been with any guy who has said such a thing. He adores me and is very loving, tactile and shows he cares for me in many other ways, but no sex unfortunately. I'm getting better at just loving what we have, especially since having more understanding of attachment theory. I have been very unwell this last week and I can honestly say no one has loved and cared for me the way my bf has he has been amazing. [ Well it’s weird though bc he would like last minute not be able to see me. One time I mentioned not thinking we should have sex and he got so emotional and mad. And told me to just not come over. And then the next day I said okay let’s have sex and he ignored me for two days. Kathy I really don't know what to say about such mixed messages. I guess you will never really know what is going on with him. There is nothing wrong with my bfs performance, he just doesn't seem interested in having sex, or particularly bothered by the lack of it either. My bf drinks a lot of beer and enjoys computer games and I do wonder if that plays a big part in his lack of motivation. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 16:00:53 GMT
You stalked him using the location of his phone? Is this ok? In my first marriage I used sex as a tool to control her and get what I wanted, and it didn’t work. She found it, and the attending tenderness elsewhere. This definitely doesn't appear to be the case between us. It's a real intimacy thing I believe. He told me his first wife never saw him naked in all the 7 yrs of marriage. Has always had to jump up and shower immediately afterwards told me he has always had to do that after sex. No post coiltal cuddles up and away immediately. I believe my bf has severe enmeshment with his mother, he couldn't love anyone like he loves his mum he told me that. He told me he would die for her the other day. Maybe it the Madonna / whore thing going on. I haven't been introduced yet, but received a lovely Xmas card from her. It's all so complicated, I'm just working on acceptance as I truly love and care for him. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 19, 2018 16:14:17 GMT
You stalked him using the location of his phone? Is this ok? In my first marriage I used sex as a tool to control her and get what I wanted, and it didn’t work. She found it, and the attending tenderness elsewhere. Well it’s his snap chat location. And I saw he turned it off. Could u go into detail about how you thought it would control her? I notice a lot of the time he would ask me to hang out and once I said I could he would then come up with some excuse. Almost like he just wanted to make sure I would be available for him and once he knew I was he would then not even want to hang out. Like most guys would want to hangout and Ben physical with their girl. There are some times it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, the price is too high. If a GF was stalking me, that would be too high a price. I value my privacy. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 16:40:22 GMT
Well it’s his snap chat location. And I saw he turned it off. Could u go into detail about how you thought it would control her? I notice a lot of the time he would ask me to hang out and once I said I could he would then come up with some excuse. Almost like he just wanted to make sure I would be available for him and once he knew I was he would then not even want to hang out. Like most guys would want to hangout and Ben physical with their girl. There are some times it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, the price is too high. If a GF was stalking me, that would be too high a price. I value my privacy. I’m sorry what’s too high of a price? You mean having sex with your girlfriend? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2018 17:52:30 GMT
There are some times it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, the price is too high. If a GF was stalking me, that would be too high a price. I value my privacy. I’m sorry what’s too high of a price? You mean having sex with your girlfriend? Kathy..a bit unrelated, but trying to turn this a bit back to you for your own healing. Why was it important to know where he was? Did you have concerns about his loyalty to you? When I was seeing B, if I did not get a message back within so much time, my anxiety would escalate and my way to reduce that anxiety was to look at his FB IM to see if he had been on it. Now, to me, this was not a big deal, I was trying to sooth my anxiety...but now, I can see how that would look very stalkers sh and invasive to someone who is more private...and frankly, now I see that his FB IM and returning texts were not at all related..but at the time...I made the very false story that if he was on FB IM, then he saw my text and was ignoring me. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 17:54:50 GMT
I’m sorry what’s too high of a price? You mean having sex with your girlfriend? Kathy..a bit unrelated, but trying to turn this a bit back to you for your own healing. Why was it important to know where he was? Did you have concerns about his loyalty to you? When I was seeing B, if I did not get a message back within so much time, my anxiety would escalate and my way to reduce that anxiety was to look at his FB IM to see if he had been on it. Now, to me, this was not a big deal, I was trying to sooth my anxiety...but now, I can see how that would look very stalkers sh and invasive to someone who is more private...and frankly, now I see that his FB IM and returning texts were not at all related..but at the time...I made the very false story that if he was on FB IM, then he saw my text and was ignoring me. Well he has no idea that I’d look at his location. It was just to see what he was up to. Idk I just was curious. I didn’t think he was cheating or anything. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2018 18:09:25 GMT
Kathy..a bit unrelated, but trying to turn this a bit back to you for your own healing. Why was it important to know where he was? Did you have concerns about his loyalty to you? When I was seeing B, if I did not get a message back within so much time, my anxiety would escalate and my way to reduce that anxiety was to look at his FB IM to see if he had been on it. Now, to me, this was not a big deal, I was trying to sooth my anxiety...but now, I can see how that would look very stalkers sh and invasive to someone who is more private...and frankly, now I see that his FB IM and returning texts were not at all related..but at the time...I made the very false story that if he was on FB IM, then he saw my text and was ignoring me. Well he has no idea that I’d look at his location. It was just to see what he was up to. Idk I just was curious. I didn’t think he was cheating or anything. Honestly...I think for as chill as you say you were with him...I suspect he felt a lot of pressure from your request to contact you daily. That is not on you...you have a right to say...that is what I want, but he also has a right to say....ok, that isn't what I want. I think what can be so confusing is when the response is..I don't want to date you, but I want to be friends...as if changing that label changes the dynamic. Honestly, if you love him, you will let him be...he has stated he wants no contact but you aren't liking that response (completely understandable) and in the end coming across as disrecting his request and pushing him further away. Give him space to figure out whether he wants to have you in his life, just as you get to decide the same for yourself. The most benefit that anyone gets on these boards is when he or she stops trying to figure out their ex and starts to really look at his or her own patterns. i really do wish you well because I have been there. |
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