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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 18:42:34 GMT
Well he has no idea that I’d look at his location. It was just to see what he was up to. Idk I just was curious. I didn’t think he was cheating or anything. Honestly...I think for as chill as you say you were with him...I suspect he felt a lot of pressure from your request to contact you daily. That is not on you...you have a right to say...that is what I want, but he also has a right to say....ok, that isn't what I want. I think what can be so confusing is when the response is..I don't want to date you, but I want to be friends...as if changing that label changes the dynamic. Honestly, if you love him, you will let him be...he has stated he wants no contact but you aren't liking that response (completely understandable) and in the end coming across as disrecting his request and pushing him further away. Give him space to figure out whether he wants to have you in his life, just as you get to decide the same for yourself. The most benefit that anyone gets on these boards is when he or she stops trying to figure out their ex and starts to really look at his or her own patterns. i really do wish you well because I have been there. I guess both of us (him and I) aren’t being very specific with what we want. I haven’t told him specifically that I wanted him to text me once a day I just kinda thought he would know some how. I felt that if I told him to text me once a day he’d see it as some rule and me trying to take control of him. So when he ignored me for two days straight I started to feel used and that’s why I got really mad when he started bringing up how he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I called him out for sleeping with me two days before if he didn’t even have feelings for me. I said that thinking he would say he does have feelings for me or something but he didn’t. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 19, 2018 19:32:28 GMT
kathy94 Something I think many APs feel from avoidants is mixed signals. This idea that he says he doesn’t want a relationship but you’ve gotten other signs that he does and are matching to those and not the clear vocal expression of otherwise. I don’t know if some of it is an AP reading more into signals than is there or if they really do speak and act in opposing ways. Either way- what you have is a situation with a guy that is not healthy. The confusion and pain it’s putting you in sounds a little like torture. But you continue to choose to engage. Yes, words and actions not lining up actually is a red flag about insecure attachment in general, and often a sign that things won't work long-term because at least one party isn't ready. In AP, I think it tends to manifest as being "okay" with something not meeting your needs to avoid "losing" the relationship, then later revealing it isn't okay... possibly in actions/protest behaviors. FA, they often don't line up due to the disconnect between mind, body, emotions, feelings, etc. that the person feels as confusing ambivalence and fear. DA, seems to me to happen more during deactivation and moments of distancing. AP often is right that they feel this is happening with avoidants, but also do it too. I advocate in my responses that if you think someone has an insecure attachment style and want to know if they're really getting more secure, one sign is words and actions will start to consistently align. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 19:54:21 GMT
Well it’s his snap chat location. And I saw he turned it off. Could u go into detail about how you thought it would control her? I notice a lot of the time he would ask me to hang out and once I said I could he would then come up with some excuse. Almost like he just wanted to make sure I would be available for him and once he knew I was he would then not even want to hang out. Like most guys would want to hangout and Ben physical with their girl. There are some times it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, the price is too high. If a GF was stalking me, that would be too high a price. I value my privacy. I think the location is public on Snapchat, and it’s up to the user to turn it on and off. Like “last seen” on WhatsApp - which I also turned off so that nobody knows when I was online but didn’t read their msgs. Haha. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 19, 2018 23:09:05 GMT
You stalked him using the location of his phone? Is this ok? In my first marriage I used sex as a tool to control her and get what I wanted, and it didn’t work. She found it, and the attending tenderness elsewhere. Yeah- I’ve pulled that in my life too. So manipulative- how I couldn’t see the problem with that at the time is beyond me. Why my husband would put up with that is beyond me too. My husband did not go elsewhere (that I know of at least I guess) but I think in someways he shut down. We were able to recover from that which in some ways is kind of surprising actually. In my second marriage, I was a stay at home dad for a couple of years, and I remember one incident when I bought petrol and snacks, and within 60 seconds of pulling out of the service station I get a phone call saying “why did you spend $x at that service station?” From that point on, there was no point getting presents, flowers, any surprises, because she’d already know before she got them. That bit of me was just gone. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 19, 2018 23:16:09 GMT
A legit question I have... I noticed a lot of times my FA guy and I would have plans to meet up at night for a little. Sex was definitely going to be the main activity. It started getting to a point where that was all we really did. At times one would think he’s using me but then last minute he’d say “something came up” and we wouldn’t be able to meet up. I just think it’s weird as most guys would be looking forward to it. Especially since we only hung out like once a week?itd be so last minute too and he’d have a weird excuse. Like one time he said his mom needed to meet with him to talk? The other time it was bc his roommates and friends were about to come home? If he’s using me that’s a weird way to go about it? Also I noticed at the beginning of our realationship we’d have morning sex like every morning. The past few months we haven’t at all. I’m just trying to get some insight bc I’m really just curious looking at it tbh. Kathy my FA boyfriend did the very same thing. When we'd meet up in the evening it felt like he had to get it of his chest at the very beginning off the date. He would say " sorry but we won't be having sex tonight ". I would be like yes sure what ever but in my head him saying that would trigger all sorts. I felt I could never question him about why he says such things and say let see how the night goes. It really felt like he couldn't relax until he got the sex bit of his chest. It use to really effect me as I'd never been with any guy who has said such a thing. He adores me and is very loving, tactile and shows he cares for me in many other ways, but no sex unfortunately. I'm getting better at just loving what we have, especially since having more understanding of attachment theory. I have been very unwell this last week and I can honestly say no one has loved and cared for me the way my bf has he has been amazing. No sex? My ex DA is only good with sex? To me, that wasn’t enough. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 19, 2018 23:33:14 GMT
I guess both of us (him and I) aren’t being very specific with what we want. I haven’t told him specifically that I wanted him to text me once a day I just kinda thought he would know some how. I felt that if I told him to text me once a day he’d see it as some rule and me trying to take control of him. So when he ignored me for two days straight I started to feel used and that’s why I got really mad when he started bringing up how he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I called him out for sleeping with me two days before if he didn’t even have feelings for me. I said that thinking he would say he does have feelings for me or something but he didn’t. I know for me I would have found all this stuff reasonable at one point. My perspective is so different now. What I read is you wanting something (daily contact) but feeling unable to request your need for fear of the consequences (his feeling of being controlled and pulling away) and also thinking your needs should just be known (something that is very established in my family). When you started to feel used - which could be true I don’t know- did you express this in a calm and inquisitive way or did you let your assumption of that drive your reaction. Did you lash out? You say you said something to him fishing for a response but then felt upset he didn’t give it to you. Yeah- I’ve done that too. “Fine I don’t want to talk to you! “ hoping he would see my hurt and come rescue me. That is manipulative. It is covert and it’s childish. I should verbally express my feelings and needs- not try to get them met in round about ways. Something I think many APs feel from avoidants is mixed signals. This idea that he says he doesn’t want a relationship but you’ve gotten other signs that he does and are matching to those and not the clear vocal expression of otherwise. I don’t know if some of it is an AP reading more into signals than is there or if they really do speak and act in opposing ways. Either way- what you have is a situation with a guy that is not healthy. The confusion and pain it’s putting you in sounds a little like torture. But you continue to choose to engage. If you don’t want to loose him as you’ve said- consider not looking more at understanding him and his role in the dynamic and more in understanding you and yours. Things I would ask: Why are you so uncomfortable when someone doesn’t contact you for 2 days? Why can’t you identify and effectively communicate your needs? Why do you lash out if you arent getting from him what you want? Identify your protest behaviors and ask yourself if those are really something you feel good about doing? Don’t justify them because of how he made you, are you ok with it coming from you? How would you feel if they did those to you? Why are your boundaries so weak- you set them and then take them back. And why would you want to peruse someone who has said he doesn’t have feelings for you, doesn’t want a relationship and makes you feel used? Why don’t you want something better? Do you know you deserve it and can find it? lilos - all great points and I agree with everything you said. I’m moving toward secure from AP and I see all those old habits and I’m trying to avoid them. I think kathy94 would be wise to consider... |
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Post by mrob on Dec 21, 2018 15:38:45 GMT
There are some times it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, the price is too high. If a GF was stalking me, that would be too high a price. I value my privacy. I’m sorry what’s too high of a price? You mean having sex with your girlfriend? Having a GF stalk me, or checking on me covertly is too high a price. No sex is worth that. No GF is worth that. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 22, 2018 9:03:37 GMT
I’m sorry what’s too high of a price? You mean having sex with your girlfriend? Having a GF stalk me, or checking on me covertly is too high a price. No sex is worth that. No GF is worth that. I think too you may not realize, or it may not justify, that a person with escalating anxiety may drive by another’s house or somewhere else connected to that person in order to feel more connected to them and feel close- not as a means of checking up. Almost like a security blanket and as a means of self-soothing...same action but different motivation. That to me is much less invasive than tracking someone etc even if it’s embarrassing to admit the anxiety is winning out. |
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