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Dec 19, 2018 15:40:29 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 15:40:29 GMT
So do Avoidants start to avoid you when they start developing feelings for you? Like if they didn’t have feelings for you they would almost be okay with hanging out to you and getting closer?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 16:43:52 GMT
So do Avoidants start to avoid you when they start developing feelings for you? Like if they didn’t have feelings for you they would almost be okay with hanging out to you and getting closer? I see where your going with this but things aren't so black and white as each person is an individual. My bf is happy to co habit with me providing we both give each other space. He likes to go off some nights into the computer room for hours a game. I am absolutely cool with it as I enjoy reading my book and doing on line courses. He often asks me to come and join him in the same room, so I read whilst he games. Might not be everyone's cup of tea but I actually like it, I enjoy seeing him relaxed and doing what he enjoys. Where he does appear to avoid is I don't get invited out for drinks with him and his friends or he doesn't at the moment include me in family gatherings. I did ask him about not including me in this part off his life and he said it's historical as his Relationship's don't seem to last and he just feels like a failure again in his parents eyes. When he feels the relationship is safe and secure I'm sure I will get to meet everyone. No rush, I'm happy the way things are at the moment. |
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Dec 19, 2018 17:02:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 17:02:47 GMT
So do Avoidants start to avoid you when they start developing feelings for you? Like if they didn’t have feelings for you they would almost be okay with hanging out to you and getting closer? I see where your going with this but things aren't so black and white as each person is an individual. My bf is happy to co habit with me providing we both give each other space. He likes to go off some nights into the computer room for hours a game. I am absolutely cool with it as I enjoy reading my book and doing on line courses. He often asks me to come and join him in the same room, so I read whilst he games. Might not be everyone's cup of tea but I actually like it, I enjoy seeing him relaxed and doing what he enjoys. Where he does appear to avoid is I don't get invited out for drinks with him and his friends or he doesn't at the moment include me in family gatherings. I did ask him about not including me in this part off his life and he said it's historical as his Relationship's don't seem to last and he just feels like a failure again in his parents eyes. When he feels the relationship is safe and secure I'm sure I will get to meet everyone. No rush, I'm happy the way things are at the moment. [ Also I'm not very demanding around him, I never expect anything from him except kindness and respect, those are very strong qualities in him so I think he's very comfy with the current set up. He has mentioned the freedom he enjoyed when he sold everything and bought a motorhome and travelled around Europe for a few years but seems to be handling the transition to living together very well. I hope to get to a point where we are comfy enough with each other to do some traveling together 😊 |
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Dec 19, 2018 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 17:52:53 GMT
I see where your going with this but things aren't so black and white as each person is an individual. My bf is happy to co habit with me providing we both give each other space. He likes to go off some nights into the computer room for hours a game. I am absolutely cool with it as I enjoy reading my book and doing on line courses. He often asks me to come and join him in the same room, so I read whilst he games. Might not be everyone's cup of tea but I actually like it, I enjoy seeing him relaxed and doing what he enjoys. Where he does appear to avoid is I don't get invited out for drinks with him and his friends or he doesn't at the moment include me in family gatherings. I did ask him about not including me in this part off his life and he said it's historical as his Relationship's don't seem to last and he just feels like a failure again in his parents eyes. When he feels the relationship is safe and secure I'm sure I will get to meet everyone. No rush, I'm happy the way things are at the moment. [ Also I'm not very demanding around him, I never expect anything from him except kindness and respect, those are very strong qualities in him so I think he's very comfy with the current set up. He has mentioned the freedom he enjoyed when he sold everything and bought a motorhome and travelled around Europe for a few years but seems to be handling the transition to living together very well. I hope to get to a point where we are comfy enough with each other to do some traveling together 😊 I’m pretty chill around him to. We were only seeing eachother like once or twice a week. I just expected him to send at least one text or Snapchat a day. When he went two days without doing it and ignoring me I got kinda mad. Not like crazy mad or anything. Then he started with the typical “I don’t think I’m ready for a realationship but I’m glad we’re friends” talk and that’s when I said “fine then I want to just go look for someone else and no we can’t be friends” that’s when he blocked me and I think over reaacted. The next day I talked to him and told him that of course we are friends and that I’m okay with still seeing eachother and if being exclusive and everything is too much right now that’s okay I just like genuinely hanging out. He then went on to say he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and doesn’t want to hang out or anything. He says he doesn’t want to be attached to anyone or have feelings and just wants to be alone. I don’t know what to make of this bc I feel like if I didn’t say anything back to him the night before we’d still be talking. Has your guy ever done this? We haven’t talked in two weeks and I’ve reached out a few times and he’s ignoring me. |
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Dec 19, 2018 18:17:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 18:17:08 GMT
[ Also I'm not very demanding around him, I never expect anything from him except kindness and respect, those are very strong qualities in him so I think he's very comfy with the current set up. He has mentioned the freedom he enjoyed when he sold everything and bought a motorhome and travelled around Europe for a few years but seems to be handling the transition to living together very well. I hope to get to a point where we are comfy enough with each other to do some traveling together 😊 I’m pretty chill around him to. We were only seeing eachother like once or twice a week. I just expected him to send at least one text or Snapchat a day. When he went two days without doing it and ignoring me I got kinda mad. Not like crazy mad or anything. Then he started with the typical “I don’t think I’m ready for a realationship but I’m glad we’re friends” talk and that’s when I said “fine then I want to just go look for someone else and no we can’t be friends” that’s when he blocked me and I think over reaacted. The next day I talked to him and told him that of course we are friends and that I’m okay with still seeing eachother and if being exclusive and everything is too much right now that’s okay I just like genuinely hanging out. He then went on to say he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and doesn’t want to hang out or anything. He says he doesn’t want to be attached to anyone or have feelings and just wants to be alone. I don’t know what to make of this bc I feel like if I didn’t say anything back to him the night before we’d still be talking. Has your guy ever done this? We haven’t talked in two weeks and I’ve reached out a few times and he’s ignoring me. He has done some inconsistent things but generally has always initiated messaging me. When he left the last time, for the first few weeks after he first left we were in daily contact via text. He told me he had loved me but it is what it is and deffo no going back. After a few weeks he started texting actually more like sexting another women. His texts then got more sporadic. He then told me he still cares for me but just like a friend now not love....all of this being said in a short amount off time Bare in mind my love stayed constant I couldn't just switch it on and off the way he was appearing to do. Then a couple of weeks later he's telling me he still loves me, god so complicated. The first day we got back together I had to work a night shift.. I had about 20 texts messages and answer machine messages of him professing his absolute love for me up to five Xxxxx at the end of each message. Sending me video links off love songs. All this from the same guy who walked out after an emotional fall out saying its over for good this time. This nervous system stuff is powerful stuff when activated. It is so heart breaking and very scary stuff for both parties involved in these insecures relationship's. |
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Dec 19, 2018 19:04:42 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 19:04:42 GMT
I’m pretty chill around him to. We were only seeing eachother like once or twice a week. I just expected him to send at least one text or Snapchat a day. When he went two days without doing it and ignoring me I got kinda mad. Not like crazy mad or anything. Then he started with the typical “I don’t think I’m ready for a realationship but I’m glad we’re friends” talk and that’s when I said “fine then I want to just go look for someone else and no we can’t be friends” that’s when he blocked me and I think over reaacted. The next day I talked to him and told him that of course we are friends and that I’m okay with still seeing eachother and if being exclusive and everything is too much right now that’s okay I just like genuinely hanging out. He then went on to say he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and doesn’t want to hang out or anything. He says he doesn’t want to be attached to anyone or have feelings and just wants to be alone. I don’t know what to make of this bc I feel like if I didn’t say anything back to him the night before we’d still be talking. Has your guy ever done this? We haven’t talked in two weeks and I’ve reached out a few times and he’s ignoring me. He has done some inconsistent things but generally has always initiated messaging me. When he left the last time, for the first few weeks after he first left we were in daily contact via text. He told me he had loved me but it is what it is and deffo no going back. After a few weeks he started texting actually more like sexting another women. His texts then got more sporadic. He then told me he still cares for me but just like a friend now not love....all of this being said in a short amount off time Bare in mind my love stayed constant I couldn't just switch it on and off the way he was appearing to do. Then a couple of weeks later he's telling me he still loves me, god so complicated. The first day we got back together I had to work a night shift.. I had about 20 texts messages and answer machine messages of him professing his absolute love for me up to five Xxxxx at the end of each message. Sending me video links off love songs. All this from the same guy who walked out after an emotional fall out saying its over for good this time. This nervous system stuff is powerful stuff when activated. It is so heart breaking and very scary stuff for th parties involved in these insecures relationship's. [ That’s crazy. Just your personal opinion do you think he has genuine feelings for me? Just from what u know about my situation. I guess if you could analyze it. Obviously you don’t know for sure. I definitely am being obsessesive I’m just trying to understand what is going on and how I can deal with it. |
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Dec 19, 2018 19:27:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 19:27:26 GMT
He has done some inconsistent things but generally has always initiated messaging me. When he left the last time, for the first few weeks after he first left we were in daily contact via text. He told me he had loved me but it is what it is and deffo no going back. After a few weeks he started texting actually more like sexting another women. His texts then got more sporadic. He then told me he still cares for me but just like a friend now not love....all of this being said in a short amount off time Bare in mind my love stayed constant I couldn't just switch it on and off the way he was appearing to do. Then a couple of weeks later he's telling me he still loves me, god so complicated. The first day we got back together I had to work a night shift.. I had about 20 texts messages and answer machine messages of him professing his absolute love for me up to five Xxxxx at the end of each message. Sending me video links off love songs. All this from the same guy who walked out after an emotional fall out saying its over for good this time. This nervous system stuff is powerful stuff when activated. It is so heart breaking and very scary stuff for th parties involved in these insecures relationship's. [ That’s crazy. Just your personal opinion do you think he has genuine feelings for me? Just from what u know about my situation. I guess if you could analyze it. Obviously you don’t know for sure. I definitely am being obsessesive I’m just trying to understand what is going on and how I can deal with it. [br I don't know Kathy, I really don't. One very difference is your ex appears to have some awareness and him saying he doesn't want to attach to anyone I just can't imagine my bf saying. I get your obsessing over the break up. My breakup left me in a total state of confusion and what the hell have I just gone through the last 6mths. I felt very traumatized for weeks after he left me. He actually told me he loved me in the morning but after falling out he just shut down and packed his stuff very calmly and walked out on me. There was nothing I could say or do to make him stay. I now understand about deactivation and the nervous system shutting down and the threat he was feeling as I was shouting and getting upset with him. Not proud of shouting but his reaction at the time appeared over the top. |
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Dec 19, 2018 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 19:32:54 GMT
[ That’s crazy. Just your personal opinion do you think he has genuine feelings for me? Just from what u know about my situation. I guess if you could analyze it. Obviously you don’t know for sure. I definitely am being obsessesive I’m just trying to understand what is going on and how I can deal with it. [br I don't know Kathy, I really don't. One very difference is your ex appears to have some awareness and him saying he doesn't want to attach to anyone I just can't imagine my bf saying. I get your obsessing over the break up. My breakup left me in a total state of confusion and what the hell have I just gone through the last 6mths. I felt very traumatized for weeks after he left me. He actually told me he loved me in the morning but after falling out he just shut down and packed his stuff very calmly and walked out on me. There was nothing I could say or do to make him stay. I now understand about deactivation and the nervous system shutting down and the threat he was feeling as I was shouting and getting upset with him. Not proud of shouting but his reaction at the time appeared over the top. Is this the same guy you’re with right now? |
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Dec 19, 2018 19:50:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 19:50:53 GMT
[br I don't know Kathy, I really don't. One very difference is your ex appears to have some awareness and him saying he doesn't want to attach to anyone I just can't imagine my bf saying. I get your obsessing over the break up. My breakup left me in a total state of confusion and what the hell have I just gone through the last 6mths. I felt very traumatized for weeks after he left me. He actually told me he loved me in the morning but after falling out he just shut down and packed his stuff very calmly and walked out on me. There was nothing I could say or do to make him stay. I now understand about deactivation and the nervous system shutting down and the threat he was feeling as I was shouting and getting upset with him. Not proud of shouting but his reaction at the time appeared over the top. Is this the same guy you’re with right now? Yes it's the same guy. We have been backed together 4mths and things appear to be going better for us. I am aware of my behaviou |
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Dec 19, 2018 19:54:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 19:54:45 GMT
[br I don't know Kathy, I really don't. One very difference is your ex appears to have some awareness and him saying he doesn't want to attach to anyone I just can't imagine my bf saying. I get your obsessing over the break up. My breakup left me in a total state of confusion and what the hell have I just gone through the last 6mths. I felt very traumatized for weeks after he left me. He actually told me he loved me in the morning but after falling out he just shut down and packed his stuff very calmly and walked out on me. There was nothing I could say or do to make him stay. I now understand about deactivation and the nervous system shutting down and the threat he was feeling as I was shouting and getting upset with him. Not proud of shouting but his reaction at the time appeared over the top. Is this the same guy you’re with right now? Yes it's the same guy. We have been backed together 4mths and things appear to be going better for us. I am aware of my ap behaviours now and I'm working on becoming more secure and it's having a knock on effect all round. Things are flowing much better between us. I have let go of a lot of my insecurities not all of them, still a work in progress but getting there. |
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Dec 19, 2018 20:41:37 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 19, 2018 20:41:37 GMT
Is this the same guy you’re with right now? Yes it's the same guy. We have been backed together 4mths and things appear to be going better for us. I am aware of my ap behaviours now and I'm working on becoming more secure and it's having a knock on effect all round. Things are flowing much better between us. I have let go of a lot of my insecurities not all of them, still a work in progress but getting there. I guys are living together right? That’s seems a big progress? |
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Dec 19, 2018 21:49:11 GMT
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 19, 2018 21:49:11 GMT
[ Also I'm not very demanding around him, I never expect anything from him except kindness and respect, those are very strong qualities in him so I think he's very comfy with the current set up. He has mentioned the freedom he enjoyed when he sold everything and bought a motorhome and travelled around Europe for a few years but seems to be handling the transition to living together very well. I hope to get to a point where we are comfy enough with each other to do some traveling together 😊 I’m pretty chill around him to. We were only seeing eachother like once or twice a week. I just expected him to send at least one text or Snapchat a day. When he went two days without doing it and ignoring me I got kinda mad. Not like crazy mad or anything. Then he started with the typical “I don’t think I’m ready for a realationship but I’m glad we’re friends” talk and that’s when I said “fine then I want to just go look for someone else and no we can’t be friends” that’s when he blocked me and I think over reaacted. The next day I talked to him and told him that of course we are friends and that I’m okay with still seeing eachother and if being exclusive and everything is too much right now that’s okay I just like genuinely hanging out. He then went on to say he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and doesn’t want to hang out or anything. He says he doesn’t want to be attached to anyone or have feelings and just wants to be alone. I don’t know what to make of this bc I feel like if I didn’t say anything back to him the night before we’d still be talking. Has your guy ever done this? We haven’t talked in two weeks and I’ve reached out a few times and he’s ignoring me. Sounds like he’s good with you as long as everything is on HIS terms. If not, he shuts down. My ex has been the same since our break. He’ll see me only casually and if I bring up more he either ignores me or shuts down. It’s certainly not a fulfilling relationship to me and at the moment I told him I want more than physical- then I went silent. Think honestly about what you want and need and draw your boundaries- then be ready to follow through. Sounds like you completely backpedaled to calm your anxiety. Stay the course or this pattern will continue. He’ll want more and you’ll resent that he won’t give it to you. |
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Dec 19, 2018 21:50:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 21:50:29 GMT
Yes it's the same guy. We have been backed together 4mths and things appear to be going better for us. I am aware of my ap behaviours now and I'm working on becoming more secure and it's having a knock on effect all round. Things are flowing much better between us. I have let go of a lot of my insecurities not all of them, still a work in progress but getting there. I guys are living together right? That’s seems a big progress? Yes we live together, it's going well now at least one of us is aware of how are childhood attachment's have shaped us. I have spoken a little about what I've learnt since getting back together, he doesn't take what I say serious and doesn't believe in it. He doesn't like any deep thinking or over analysing just keep things surface level and easy. |
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