Post by xerathia on Dec 20, 2018 3:07:36 GMT
I'm looking for some advice with regards to my situation. I'm in quite a lot of pain at the moment and have never felt this way from a breakup before.
My ex -
I've realized she fits the DA attachment almost perfectly.
My ex and I started dating earlier this year. Our first date was amazing and whilst drunk at a party a week later we became official. It seemed rushed but we talked after and both agreed we were really happy with the decision.
The next few months were amazing, the dates we went on were incredible. The connection we had was something way above anything I'd ever experienced. We would talk for hours, see and stay over at each other's place 4-5 nights a week. The sex was the best we had ever had. Loved each other's friends and families and due to us both living at home temporarily a great deal of time was spent with said families.
Our ideologies matched, conversation was never dry. We joked, laughed, talked serious when required and seemed to be having an absolute great time. She shared her dreams for the future, the main one being her love for kids and the fact she can't wait to have them. I want this too very much.
But, I could tell from the outset that she had boundaries. She said it often takes her quite a while to develop feelings. I said this was fine as long as they come. She didn't like much physical contact other than sex, spooning was off the books, hugging was minimal etc. I was respectful of this and accepted that it was a compromise I was happy to make. About three months in to the relationship one night she turned to me in bed and said "I have feelings for you". I was quite shocked really, I had not expected to hear anything like that for a while given that she said it often takes her a while. She said she was quite surprised with it too, given that she knew it often took her a while to develop feelings. Of course I told her I had feelings too - at the time it wasn't love yet but there were definitely feelings.
Moving forward from here there were two occasions where she said she was worried that I had developed more feelings for her than she had me. Both times I assured her that I wasn't expecting her to suddenly fall in love with me, I was okay with it being a process and something that could develop over time.
Then there was the communication, or rather lack of. It was almost non-existent. If I tried to bring anything up she would do her best to avoid or change the subject and unfortunately it's something I caved with.
She struggles from anxiety (has since being quite young) which I was always very understanding and supportive with. She also has low self esteem and was very open about this. I did my best to support her, talking about it and offering advice where I could. I suspect there was an element of depression there too. This became increasingly worse throughout the duration of the relationship (5 months total). In the final month she went to the doctor and was referred to a psychologist however she broke up with me before seeing said psychologist.
In the two weeks prior to the breakup I could sense something was off, she was distant. I asked her about it a few days before we broke up and she said everything was fine with us, she was very happy with me - it was the anxiety and low self esteem stuff that was affecting her. We only had sex once in the last month too, it was apparently her lowered libido due to the mental health issues she was having.
When she broke up with me she gave two main reasons - that she hadn't developed feelings for me and that she didn't think she treated me very well. I do think she did however have feelings, quite strong ones in fact and all my friends and family who saw us together agreed strongly. People often told me they were jealous of the connection we had, how we just seemed to 'get' each other and 'gel' so well. I think that is her DA nature pushing those feelings away or misinterpreting them? I'm not sure on this. I mean I sometimes really question whether I made up all this in my head or whether it truly was an amazing connection that had serious feelings. I think I was absolutely right - it was true.
As for treating me badly I don't think she did. However she could tell I was putting more into the relationship than she was and felt guilty for that. She said I was the best boyfriend ever, very supportive and fun but it felt like I was more her best friend rather than lover. I think this is because she did not put in the effort to emotionally invested in me, kind of just expected that love and feelings just happen. The spark is definitely there, the connection is definitely there but you still have to actually invest in it to make it actually happen.
It's been 7 weeks and I've barely heard anything from her except seeing her once at a mutual friends event. At this event (about a month after we broke up) she was very friendly with me and spent a great deal of time wanting to talk to me. She said that she had been doing really well with fixing her issues at the psychologist and it kind of gave me that thought of 'Well, she's getting better, maybe she has identified some of these issues and is working on it' and it kind of gave me hope. She expressed when we broke up that she wanted to remain close friends (cliche I know but I could tell it was genuine). I want to be friends but I also want her back, I feel like we were honestly soul mate material but her issues got in the way.
It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago I learned about attachment theory and now it all seems to make sense.
On paper I know she sounds like a bad partner and not relationship material. I know this but I can't help but feel we have missed an amazing opportunity here. I did my best to give her the space she needed whenever necessary. I supported her with whatever came up. I know I didn't get my needs met, I was under the impression that once her mental state was better we could work forward.
We are NC at the moment, I know I want to heal from this. I'm very heartbroken. But I don't know whether I should give up. I don't know whether space is what she needs to figure out her problems. I don't know if I should attempt friends and in time we might give it another go once her issues are settled. I'm worried that if we just go separate ways it'll solidify that it will never happen again. I know right now my focus should be entirely on moving on from this - let's face it most couples never, ever get back together. But if there is one thing I am certain on about this relationship it's that we had something that was incredible. I don't think it failed due to 'just not being right for each other'. I think it failed because of her current mental health mixed with her DA attachment type.
As such (and again, I know this shouldn't be my focus), I am looking for some advice on what to do with regards to having another chance in the future. I think it all depends on whether she becomes self-aware on her issues and makes an active effort to address them - I'm okay with this and understand that since she wasn't willing to accept my help and support that it's something she will need to navigate on her own. But, I want to do the right thing now to give myself the best possible chance of reconciliation in the future.
It's hard because I know her family (and friends) were just as shocked and asked her is this really the right thing? I think they saw how good we were and the potential we had as well. I miss them too to be honest.
Some advice I have received is to maintain strict NC and if she does change to just wait for that. This also involves giving her space which I know is very precious to DA types so that seems like the best thing. However, since it's also mixed with some mental health issues I have also received advice that if I were to be able to reach a friendship with her and be there by her side (without the pressure of the relationship) but still show I care then that would be best also.
I have a few questions that I would love answered or some advice/thoughts on:
1. The part that hurts so much is that we were so close, how can she seemingly be okay with losing that connection?
2. Do DA's ever reach out or do they just compartmentalize and move on? Furthermore, do DA's often reminisce about their previous partners? I know you wouldn't if your ex was abusive or similar but she genuinely said I was the best boyfriend and the best relationship she's ever had. I think she is extremely confused as to why she didn't develop feelings for me as well (again, I don't think this to be the case but it's how she felt).
3. Is giving her space really the best thing to do (ie. strict NC) or would it be worth pursuing a friendship with her? If I did pursue a friendship it would be on the premise that we're not getting back together. Assuming we never get back together it is actually very important to me to have a friendship with her. She's still someone I care about and see value in having a friendship with. But, selfish or not I kind of don't want to do this too soon if it essentially solidifies me in the friend-zone.
4. Putting all my selfishness of wanting to be back together aside - what do you think the best thing for her is right now? Space away from me (either relationship or friendship)? Support for her mental battles? Simply a friendship? I care about her a lot and will always think about what is best for her also before making any decisions with this.
Ugh. This is so hard and confusing. If anyone can provide any insight or advice I'd really appreciate it!
Edit: for my own sake I looked into whether I'm an anxious type. I read the book attached and took the questionnaire, I sit about 80% secure with a few anxious tendencies. I think this relationship brought those out in me though. I know I ignored red flags and I'm having a hard time accepting and moving on but I think that's more because I honestly feel like we were soul mate material and I'm mourning that heavily. I've gotten over past relationships okay but this one is hitting me heavily.
My ex -
I've realized she fits the DA attachment almost perfectly.
My ex and I started dating earlier this year. Our first date was amazing and whilst drunk at a party a week later we became official. It seemed rushed but we talked after and both agreed we were really happy with the decision.
The next few months were amazing, the dates we went on were incredible. The connection we had was something way above anything I'd ever experienced. We would talk for hours, see and stay over at each other's place 4-5 nights a week. The sex was the best we had ever had. Loved each other's friends and families and due to us both living at home temporarily a great deal of time was spent with said families.
Our ideologies matched, conversation was never dry. We joked, laughed, talked serious when required and seemed to be having an absolute great time. She shared her dreams for the future, the main one being her love for kids and the fact she can't wait to have them. I want this too very much.
But, I could tell from the outset that she had boundaries. She said it often takes her quite a while to develop feelings. I said this was fine as long as they come. She didn't like much physical contact other than sex, spooning was off the books, hugging was minimal etc. I was respectful of this and accepted that it was a compromise I was happy to make. About three months in to the relationship one night she turned to me in bed and said "I have feelings for you". I was quite shocked really, I had not expected to hear anything like that for a while given that she said it often takes her a while. She said she was quite surprised with it too, given that she knew it often took her a while to develop feelings. Of course I told her I had feelings too - at the time it wasn't love yet but there were definitely feelings.
Moving forward from here there were two occasions where she said she was worried that I had developed more feelings for her than she had me. Both times I assured her that I wasn't expecting her to suddenly fall in love with me, I was okay with it being a process and something that could develop over time.
Then there was the communication, or rather lack of. It was almost non-existent. If I tried to bring anything up she would do her best to avoid or change the subject and unfortunately it's something I caved with.
She struggles from anxiety (has since being quite young) which I was always very understanding and supportive with. She also has low self esteem and was very open about this. I did my best to support her, talking about it and offering advice where I could. I suspect there was an element of depression there too. This became increasingly worse throughout the duration of the relationship (5 months total). In the final month she went to the doctor and was referred to a psychologist however she broke up with me before seeing said psychologist.
In the two weeks prior to the breakup I could sense something was off, she was distant. I asked her about it a few days before we broke up and she said everything was fine with us, she was very happy with me - it was the anxiety and low self esteem stuff that was affecting her. We only had sex once in the last month too, it was apparently her lowered libido due to the mental health issues she was having.
When she broke up with me she gave two main reasons - that she hadn't developed feelings for me and that she didn't think she treated me very well. I do think she did however have feelings, quite strong ones in fact and all my friends and family who saw us together agreed strongly. People often told me they were jealous of the connection we had, how we just seemed to 'get' each other and 'gel' so well. I think that is her DA nature pushing those feelings away or misinterpreting them? I'm not sure on this. I mean I sometimes really question whether I made up all this in my head or whether it truly was an amazing connection that had serious feelings. I think I was absolutely right - it was true.
As for treating me badly I don't think she did. However she could tell I was putting more into the relationship than she was and felt guilty for that. She said I was the best boyfriend ever, very supportive and fun but it felt like I was more her best friend rather than lover. I think this is because she did not put in the effort to emotionally invested in me, kind of just expected that love and feelings just happen. The spark is definitely there, the connection is definitely there but you still have to actually invest in it to make it actually happen.
It's been 7 weeks and I've barely heard anything from her except seeing her once at a mutual friends event. At this event (about a month after we broke up) she was very friendly with me and spent a great deal of time wanting to talk to me. She said that she had been doing really well with fixing her issues at the psychologist and it kind of gave me that thought of 'Well, she's getting better, maybe she has identified some of these issues and is working on it' and it kind of gave me hope. She expressed when we broke up that she wanted to remain close friends (cliche I know but I could tell it was genuine). I want to be friends but I also want her back, I feel like we were honestly soul mate material but her issues got in the way.
It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago I learned about attachment theory and now it all seems to make sense.
On paper I know she sounds like a bad partner and not relationship material. I know this but I can't help but feel we have missed an amazing opportunity here. I did my best to give her the space she needed whenever necessary. I supported her with whatever came up. I know I didn't get my needs met, I was under the impression that once her mental state was better we could work forward.
We are NC at the moment, I know I want to heal from this. I'm very heartbroken. But I don't know whether I should give up. I don't know whether space is what she needs to figure out her problems. I don't know if I should attempt friends and in time we might give it another go once her issues are settled. I'm worried that if we just go separate ways it'll solidify that it will never happen again. I know right now my focus should be entirely on moving on from this - let's face it most couples never, ever get back together. But if there is one thing I am certain on about this relationship it's that we had something that was incredible. I don't think it failed due to 'just not being right for each other'. I think it failed because of her current mental health mixed with her DA attachment type.
As such (and again, I know this shouldn't be my focus), I am looking for some advice on what to do with regards to having another chance in the future. I think it all depends on whether she becomes self-aware on her issues and makes an active effort to address them - I'm okay with this and understand that since she wasn't willing to accept my help and support that it's something she will need to navigate on her own. But, I want to do the right thing now to give myself the best possible chance of reconciliation in the future.
It's hard because I know her family (and friends) were just as shocked and asked her is this really the right thing? I think they saw how good we were and the potential we had as well. I miss them too to be honest.
Some advice I have received is to maintain strict NC and if she does change to just wait for that. This also involves giving her space which I know is very precious to DA types so that seems like the best thing. However, since it's also mixed with some mental health issues I have also received advice that if I were to be able to reach a friendship with her and be there by her side (without the pressure of the relationship) but still show I care then that would be best also.
I have a few questions that I would love answered or some advice/thoughts on:
1. The part that hurts so much is that we were so close, how can she seemingly be okay with losing that connection?
2. Do DA's ever reach out or do they just compartmentalize and move on? Furthermore, do DA's often reminisce about their previous partners? I know you wouldn't if your ex was abusive or similar but she genuinely said I was the best boyfriend and the best relationship she's ever had. I think she is extremely confused as to why she didn't develop feelings for me as well (again, I don't think this to be the case but it's how she felt).
3. Is giving her space really the best thing to do (ie. strict NC) or would it be worth pursuing a friendship with her? If I did pursue a friendship it would be on the premise that we're not getting back together. Assuming we never get back together it is actually very important to me to have a friendship with her. She's still someone I care about and see value in having a friendship with. But, selfish or not I kind of don't want to do this too soon if it essentially solidifies me in the friend-zone.
4. Putting all my selfishness of wanting to be back together aside - what do you think the best thing for her is right now? Space away from me (either relationship or friendship)? Support for her mental battles? Simply a friendship? I care about her a lot and will always think about what is best for her also before making any decisions with this.
Ugh. This is so hard and confusing. If anyone can provide any insight or advice I'd really appreciate it!
Edit: for my own sake I looked into whether I'm an anxious type. I read the book attached and took the questionnaire, I sit about 80% secure with a few anxious tendencies. I think this relationship brought those out in me though. I know I ignored red flags and I'm having a hard time accepting and moving on but I think that's more because I honestly feel like we were soul mate material and I'm mourning that heavily. I've gotten over past relationships okay but this one is hitting me heavily.
), as if I never existed. I couldn't comprehend it, to be honest; but I learnt a lot about self-respect.