Are we told not to feel or is that a projection?

I don’t feel that way about society. Nor do I care what society thinks...

Sure you’re better than those that may hurt you but that doesn’t mean you can’t grive it. And do it in the way you need to to get through it.

I think when people say things like buck up and use it to drive you does not mean not to grieve. Grieve and keep going, you’ll get through it. I think they are well intending most of the time. Some just haven’t walked in the shoes either so they dont really know so I take it with a grain of salt and do what I need to for me.

Now I do think that if years later you’re still stuck on being hurt, you do need to get over it and let go. get help or whatever because it’s not healthy to be hung up for so long. Being stuck will leak into new relationships and other areas in your life.

I was just talking to a guy recently that is still stuck on not getting closure from someone that crapped on him 8 years ago. You have to let it go and give yourself closure. 8 years later over someone that he dat d for about 6 months... he is in therapy and his therapist is trying to get him to let go. I tried to tell him the same thing. He seems stuck on the expectation that she should have done what he would have, just because you would do something doesn’t mean another will. She had her own trauma so she acted the way she did. It wasn’t about him. You have to let go of not everyone is like you and not do right by you.

8675309 “Now I do think that if years later you’re still stuck on being hurt, you do need to get over it and let go. get help or whatever because it’s not healthy to be hung up for so long. Being stuck will leak into new relationships and other areas in your life.”

Even this feels a little like “just move on already- get over it”. I did that in a very unhealthy way when I was young that only made it worse. I wasn’t hung up but I didn’t deal. I did what society has told us the way to handle pain and I channeled it into a some real dedication and getting a degree. But as you said, that stuff leaks out.

Not one person in my life guided me in a healthy way. I’d like to say I was an adult and I had the resources to do that on my own- but really I was 18 and as much as that is an adult things like that weren’t so clear to me then. I did what society taught me since my parents didn’t teach me anything at all.

I feel like people are uncomfortable allowing people to be human- to sit with each other’s emotions because it makes them feel helpless or have feelings they themselves can not tolerate. My children’s distress for example often brings anger up on me as I try to be witness to their emotions without controlling them. Realizing I can’t control them or fix it I want to shut them down, push them away/ignore or move past them. “Come on now- you’ll be fine” “everything is going to be ok” “it’ll get better” are things I hear all the time- things I fight not to say.

Validation of an experience goes such a long way on the road to acceptance and the ability to come to you own solutions to your problems- society doesn’t seem to have time for that.

I agree epicgum about suicide, depression, addiction and even increasing mass violence being attributed to this.

If he's been stuck 8 years it's only because sometimes moving on is much easier said than done. Some people can do it easily, some can't... I've been stuck 8 years before. We're wired how we are wired until we do a great deal of ongoing work to change that. His psyche is attempting to get some need met by not moving on, the best it can, and someone telling him to "get over it and move on" isn't going to ever be enough until he is ready.... I admire the guy in your story for being in therapy and thus trying to change it. Likewise, everyone on these boards.

Also it reminds me of addiction. Some people can recognize they're addicted, go to AA/NA meetings and be in successful recovery thereafter. Others aren't going to be ready to go to those meetings (or whatever other path out of addiction) for years, or will go and it won't work or they'll relapse because they aren't ready.

People are ready when they are ready.

I agree, same with the 'current' dating culture, which seems to encourage men and women to always look for better or different vs making it work with their partner (unless there is strict abuse or violence..). Being highly sensitive, I'm disenchanted with the modern world emotional approach.

We seem for instance to consider heartbreaks and a long dating experience an expected part of the modern human experience, when it didn't used to be the case a few generations ago. And of course, we better 'move on' and 'learn to love ourselves' as self-love seems to be our century motto. Don't expect from others.

I know that in my case, my body and soul will not be able to withstand that many heartbreaks till someone considers that I shouldn't be 'trashed'.