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Post by Lizzie on Dec 21, 2018 10:50:13 GMT
Yesterday I just watched a video from Teal Swan where she was talking about attachment. It is quite long but I found it useful for many reasons. Check it out.
I suggest to start at 22 minutes where a young man is asked to stage.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 22, 2018 4:48:52 GMT
This is really good. It's good for AP, but I think this should be in a non-support forum. It talks about avoidant attachment forming (dismissive and fearful) and considerations for how to work on it -- either on your own as a single person or if coupled with someone else, including someone anxious. It also gives permission to not be ready for a relationship, with the implication that you work on healing. But more explicitly, she explains that taking time to be completely selfish (without hurting/abusing other people though) can allow an insecurely attached person to catch up emotionally on knowing themselves and feeling confident in their autonomy. She talks about it in a context of a dismissive avoidant, but I found it to be true in healing my AP as well. I think this is because all insecure styles have self-esteem issues, even if the dismissive avoidant's manifests differently than the blatant low view of self that AP/FA have. But if we didn't all have it, there wouldn't be the conscious/unconscious fear of attachment/enmeshment duality within each style that causes some level of emotional unavailability.
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Post by Lizzie on Dec 22, 2018 7:11:59 GMT
Exactly. This was actually quite amazing to watch. And I even cried a little.  Alexandra, please repost the link with your comments to where you think it suits best. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 22, 2018 8:52:05 GMT
Yesterday I just watched a video from Teal Swan where she was talking about attachment. It is quite long but I found it useful for many reasons. Check it out.
I suggest to start at 22 minutes where a young man is asked to stage.
Lizzie- wow, thank you SO much for posting that video. It is the best, most eye opening video I’ve ever watched on avoidant attachment. It confirmed many things I instinctively felt my ex needed and felt and also my AP reactions to him. Thanks so much for sharing!!! 👍👍 |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 22, 2018 19:50:12 GMT
This is really good. It's good for AP, but I think this should be in a non-support forum. It talks about avoidant attachment forming (dismissive and fearful) and considerations for how to work on it -- either on your own as a single person or if coupled with someone else, including someone anxious. It also gives permission to not be ready for a relationship, with the implication that you work on healing. But more explicitly, she explains that taking time to be completely selfish (without hurting/abusing other people though) can allow an insecurely attached person to catch up emotionally on knowing themselves and feeling confident in their autonomy. Agreed, Alexandra, I found this video to be extremely useful, but I thought the part of an avoidant having time to be alone and automous for a while comparable to a young person in their 20’s made it sound overly simplified- like an avoidant just needs a few years alone/vacation time to be selfish and then if they choose to be back in a relationship they will be ready. She didn’t address the hard work to earn secure. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 28, 2019 15:40:11 GMT
Wow. Stumbled on this video and so much makes sense about my own attachment style and even how it differs from my siblings. Thanks for sharing! @lizzie
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2019 6:05:18 GMT
This is really good. It's good for AP, but I think this should be in a non-support forum. It talks about avoidant attachment forming (dismissive and fearful) and considerations for how to work on it -- either on your own as a single person or if coupled with someone else, including someone anxious. It also gives permission to not be ready for a relationship, with the implication that you work on healing. But more explicitly, she explains that taking time to be completely selfish (without hurting/abusing other people though) can allow an insecurely attached person to catch up emotionally on knowing themselves and feeling confident in their autonomy. She talks about it in a context of a dismissive avoidant, but I found it to be true in healing my AP as well. I think this is because all insecure styles have self-esteem issues, even if the dismissive avoidant's manifests differently than the blatant low view of self that AP/FA have. But if we didn't all have it, there wouldn't be the conscious/unconscious fear of attachment/enmeshment duality within each style that causes some level of emotional unavailability. I think she mentioned that AP needs to be with someone who is 100% there and giving everything that is needed, so that an AP learns it's possible, and that works towards secure. Was I right? i'm not sure what to think of it. after my DA-AP trauma, the idea of having someone with me all the time is also quite tiresome. during this experience, I had also come to realize that i cannot depend on my friend, and that the only person i can truly depend on is myself. and so the new year's goal is to be self sufficient, to be proud of my own independence (which I am but I think i'm afraid to claim it), and to not rush into relationships even though i'm opening to dating (life is too short to be without beautiful men). |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 29, 2019 8:15:55 GMT
This is really good. It's good for AP, but I think this should be in a non-support forum. It talks about avoidant attachment forming (dismissive and fearful) and considerations for how to work on it -- either on your own as a single person or if coupled with someone else, including someone anxious. It also gives permission to not be ready for a relationship, with the implication that you work on healing. But more explicitly, she explains that taking time to be completely selfish (without hurting/abusing other people though) can allow an insecurely attached person to catch up emotionally on knowing themselves and feeling confident in their autonomy. She talks about it in a context of a dismissive avoidant, but I found it to be true in healing my AP as well. I think this is because all insecure styles have self-esteem issues, even if the dismissive avoidant's manifests differently than the blatant low view of self that AP/FA have. But if we didn't all have it, there wouldn't be the conscious/unconscious fear of attachment/enmeshment duality within each style that causes some level of emotional unavailability. I think she mentioned that AP needs to be with someone who is 100% there and giving everything that is needed, so that an AP learns it's possible, and that works towards secure. Was I right? i'm not sure what to think of it. after my DA-AP trauma, the idea of having someone with me all the time is also quite tiresome. during this experience, I had also come to realize that i cannot depend on my friend, and that the only person i can truly depend on is myself. and so the new year's goal is to be self sufficient, to be proud of my own independence (which I am but I think i'm afraid to claim it), and to not rush into relationships even though i'm opening to dating (life is too short to be without beautiful men). I don't think that means having someone there 24-7 so you can't stand on your own two feet or get thoroughly overwhelmed by them... it means someone who is consistent and dependable and won't push you away or make you feel like you are too much (within reason, respecting their own boundaries too, not abusing or taking advantage of them) when you need them. That may possibly help eliminate the fear that the person will leave you, so you then have more mindshare and space to learn how to emotionally regulate yourself, instead of someone pushing you away and feeding into the distorted AP's narrative that you are "too much." |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2019 13:00:35 GMT
yea. my friends are secure attachments who have always been that - but it doesn't help with romantic attachments i think. What happened for me was just to get my learning really clear, and feel the shift into secure, before anything else happened. when i did get my story straight and my mind clear on what i need from all relationships, romantic, platonic, professionals, i interacted with everyone with that intention in mind. I found my FWB that way, and we have a good secure connection. also, he's great at emotionally connecting, so it was a great contrast with what i had with my exDA, and that contrast really shone light on what i needed/liked/wanted.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 29, 2019 20:26:24 GMT
@shiningstar, I agree. I've posted before that I think getting youself together is much more impactful in shifting to earned secure than having a secure partner on its own. But different things may work for different people. Having a secure partner won't hurt, if the insecure person is ready for it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2019 1:58:57 GMT
absolutely. i believe that if you just set your intention to be secure straight and clear, whatever help you need to get there will just naturally come your way.
i do have to say that I had to reflect also on my own fear of intimacy and engulfment and abandonment (I have avoidant tendencies in me too), and what my own behaviors were in terms of dealing with that fear, and being clear on what I need to change. Right now, I am committed to speaking honestly and clearly, and I only want to deal with people who also do the same. If I ask a question and I get some shady answer that confuses me or does not answer the question clearly, i limit that person from being close to me. We can be acquaintances but not friends, and most definitely not romantic partners. I also have no interest in dealing with anyone who does not exhibit motivations and effort in self growth and self reflection. I'm good with whatever it is that they are doing and whoever they are, but I will no longer actively engage them.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2019 22:10:57 GMT
A word of warning - I came across Teal Swan (the woman in the video) again today and found some disturbing stuff. I watched this video when it was first posted and really liked it at first - she is saying a lot of stuff that makes sense, and in a very captivating and convincing way. But something bothered me about the way she handled her guests and audience. She is telling them how they are feeling and thinking. She said to that avoidant man "you become abusive" - how could she say such thing? She doesn't know him. And she really takes the attention of her audience, it's like the point is her performance. The focus is on her, not on her guests. YouTube started to suggest more videos from her and I watched a few of them. Some really weird videos started to emerge - "Spirit Animals", "Why Don't We Remember Past Lives" ... I googled her. She calls herself a "spiritual teacher". Critics call her a cult leader. She claims to have supernatural powers and to have been abused for years in satanic rituals. She claims to get her information from God, not from books - even though she has been accused of plagiarism, presenting other people's work in her videos without reference. She's also said sometimes it's good to commit suicide because that's how you "reset life". Yet she has a huge amount of fanatic followers who defend her. She's presenting herself as a trauma expert without any kind of education or licence. This is also why she has no accountability. I really recommend not watching her videos at all. Her videos may have some good stuff but it's used for a bad purpose. The more views she gets, the more her cult spreads. Sources: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teal_Swantealswanblog.wordpress.com/psychotherapy/www.jessicaschab.com/exposing.html |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 4, 2019 1:44:30 GMT
A word of warning - I came across Teal Swan (the woman in the video) again today and found some disturbing stuff. I watched this video when it was first posted and really liked it at first - she is saying a lot of stuff that makes sense, and in a very captivating and convincing way. But something bothered me about the way she handled her guests and audience. She is telling them how they are feeling and thinking. She said to that avoidant man "you become abusive" - how could she say such thing? She doesn't know him. And she really takes the attention of her audience, it's like the point is her performance. The focus is on her, not on her guests. YouTube started to suggest more videos from her and I watched a few of them. Some really weird videos started to emerge - "Spirit Animals", "Why Don't We Remember Past Lives" ... I googled her. She calls herself a "spiritual teacher". Critics call her a cult leader. She claims to have supernatural powers and to have been abused for years in satanic rituals. She claims to get her information from God, not from books - even though she has been accused of plagiarism, presenting other people's work in her videos without reference. She's also said sometimes it's good to commit suicide because that's how you "reset life". Yet she has a huge amount of fanatic followers who defend her. She's presenting herself as a trauma expert without any kind of education or licence. This is also why she has no accountability. I really recommend not watching her videos at all. Her videos may have some good stuff but it's used for a bad purpose. The more views she gets, the more her cult spreads. Sources: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teal_Swantealswanblog.wordpress.com/psychotherapy/www.jessicaschab.com/exposing.htmlYes, I was surprised to see some strange videos of her pop up later after watching the first attachment video. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 4, 2019 2:56:59 GMT
I was impressed with the video linked above and then similarly researched her after because she seemed to know her stuff... and found the same weird info about her cult and saw some clips of her other videos which were just strange and not worth watching. I still think that one video is helpful, but agree that everything else about her was extremely questionable.
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