Says he feels unsafe.

Tara, since you have invited us to "call you out for your stuff", I will step forward and be the one to do that. And I feel somewhat qualified because I've been exactly where you are right now, many times, with many partners.

You are making this man your fixer-upper project. You are trying to become his therapist, and by your own admission you are judging and disrespecting his decision not to delve into his feelings and his past. There is a large element of control and presumptuousness here (and again, I have been in your shoes, trust me). His reaction is to nitpick and shut down, which means he is resisting.

With all due respect and kindness, Tara, it's not your job to make him see the light, want to get therapy or delve into his issues. It's your job to work on your own stuff and figure out whether both of your capabilities and limitations allow for a healthy relationship. As AnnieB says, these relationships are stunted at best and so your option is not to try to change him to suit you (even if you know it would improve his life) but rather to accept the situation and see whether it works for you.

It's easy to try to justify this type of interventionist approach by telling yourself that -- if only he can work at it, if only he can hear what you are saying, and if only he can REALLY face his demons -- then things for him (and you) will be better. But these are disorders we are talking about, not habits. And even if he was capable of doing the huge amounts of introspection and making the massive changes needed, he has to want to do it of his own volition, not because you want him to.

Hi Tara,

I hear your frustration. I have the same issue with the avoidant I date. In my case, my boyfriend is more willing to address the issues of his past, attend therapy and explore what causes him to engage in dismissive and avoidant behaviours, but the journey is slow at best. He vacillates wildly between telling me that he sees a future with me, have awoken him to issues that he didn't realize he has, feels loved and supported and not judged by me to the next day telling me that he feels unsafe, judged and openly questions whether he has that "feeling" or "spark" with me and whether we are meant to be. Like you, I lean towards anxious. And I can from time to time fear abandonment and hurt.

I just wouldn't beat yourself up what you are or aren't doing. I think to avoidants, even the most surface level conversations about their emotions or challenges can feel threatening to them. I think it's healthy to examine where we, as partners of avoidants, can work on our own security in relationships. However, asking him to share his feelings with you or telling him it makes you feel unsafe when he talks negatively about your future, is not controlling. Your need to feel safe in your relationship is completely valid, and you have every right to communicate that.

This is also where I draw most difficulty in relationships with avoidants. In my experience, even when things feel good, you are giving your avoidant plenty of space and understanding, you aren't talking about "their issues" and things feel safe, the avoidant is usually still nitpicking the relationship in their mind, not sharing it with you, and building a case for why you won't work. Sometimes over some fight that you had two or three months earlier. Or in reaction to some behaviour that you are doing that is annoying them that they haven't bothered to tell you about. Usually for absolutely no sane reason.

Usually just as you think you are hitting some sort of stride with communication and intimacy, they suddenly have the capacity to access feelings. Usually feelings of "I feel badly about us; I see a future but I don't know if I have that 'feeling' for you; the questions you ask about my issues and my past make me uncomfortable and it makes me question whether I can give you what you need or if we have a future..." or some variation of this.

I feel like it's a giant case of: damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So if you're damned either way, I say, be authentic and do and say what makes you feel authentic and brings you security. If you care about him and see potential for growth, then alert him to how his issues affect you. What's the worst that can happen, he pushes you away?

Provided that you can remain in a healthy space yourself, do whatever you need to do to process and understand. In a healthy partnership, you should be able to share your fears and vulnerabilities. From there, how he chooses to respond is only within his control(as HowPredictable1 states above)and will tell you a lot about whether there is hope and room for growth in the partnership. But just don't compromise what you need in the relationship to feel healthy and safe.

Apparently, Tales0fAttachment, you were eavesdropping on the last few weeks of my relationship with my Ex DA.  Because this is exactly the type of thinking he shared just before we broke up.  



Of course moments earlier he was talking about moving in together, and about how happy he was with things between us. Then suddenly the catalogue of concerns he had came out, most predominantly that I (apparently) had high expectations that he could not meet.   It was textbook, though a bit mind-boggling at the time.  But of course I have my own irrational, DA-fuelled thinking so, really -- who am I to judge?

Since you have such a good handle on the thought-processes of Avoidants:  In your experience, does this type of silent devaluing change after the breakup?  I ask not because I harbor hope of a reconcilation (we were -- at our core -- downright terrible for each other, though a very good match in the sense of having compatible dysfunctions).  

I'm just curious whether in the mind of an Avoidant, the partner and the relationship are forever tainted.  

And if that's the case, then how does the revered Phantom Ex manage to rise from the ashes?