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Post by nottheonion on Dec 30, 2018 2:16:31 GMT
I met someone. Didn’t think much of our first interaction. Had fun. Hooked up. Didn’t think much either. But then we hung out a few more times and talked more, I found myself liking him more and more. In fact way too much. He’s very sweet and funny. Said he’d love to take me on proper dates. Said he’d be so happy if I’m his gf. I’m sat here feeling very upset and having teary eyes cos I hate this feeling. I hate having no control over my emotions. I hate that if I got myself into all of this I’ll again walk out feeling heartbroken. It’s so hard for an FA like me to believe things will be great in the future and I actually will find someone that is right for me when nothing has worked so far.
I’m trying to refrain myself from speaking to him too much. I’m reading guides online about not getting attached. I’m playing out a million scenarios in my head how this would never work. I’m giving myself thousands of excuses why we wouldn’t last. I feel more comfortable this way
I guess us FA is just addicted to these feelings of wanting to detach. Maybe so much that we’ll avoid until we somehow become truly happy being alone (I mostly do, until I meet someone and fall in love stupidly).
It’s so hard to imagine the day when I actually feel secure and have a safe and fulfilling relationship
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Post by chipper on Dec 30, 2018 6:33:28 GMT
That does sound hard, and I’m sorry you feel that way. You DO deserve a lot of credit for recognizing it.
I like to trick my mind into thinking things sometimes, and I wonder if that would work for you here. You mention that it’s hard to imagine security, hard to imagine a great future, and that you hate that you “will” walk out feeling heartbroken.
Imagine security. Imagine a great future. Imagine not waking out heartbroken. It CAN happen, it’s 100% possible. But if you don’t believe it, or you keep telling yourself it’s so hard that it won’t happen, then it definitely won’t happen.
Keep trying to imagine that day, and stop tellling yourself it’s hard. Like anything else, it takes work. For some, it’s more work than others. But it’s not harder, it’s just more work.
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 30, 2018 20:29:33 GMT
It's true you can't find joy or love without there being the potential for eventual endings and pain. But maybe part of the challenge is learning at least tolerate endings and pain, so the risk can be taken because the worst possible outcomes are survivable and not permanent.
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 5, 2019 18:14:50 GMT
It's true you can't find joy or love without there being the potential for eventual endings and pain. But maybe part of the challenge is learning at least tolerate endings and pain, so the risk can be taken because the worst possible outcomes are survivable and not permanent. This is an interesting advice. How could I maybe learn to tolerate endings and pain? I was betrayed twice and can’t possibly imagine going through that again no matter how fun the relationship may be |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 6, 2019 20:37:51 GMT
nottheonion yeah, there's not an easy path. Maybe some people would need a therapist to figure that out, but there may be other paths towards being able to imagine surviving break-ups okay enough, or strategies to cope with pain. Have you ever tried cognitive therapy techniques to alter negative thinking patterns (ex. See the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, or the book "Learned Optimism")? Do you have an array of ways of healthily coping with emotional pain (ex. Journaling, talking with friends, exercise, nature time, spirituality or religion, etc?)
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 6, 2019 22:27:06 GMT
nottheonion yeah, there's not an easy path. Maybe some people would need a therapist to figure that out, but there may be other paths towards being able to imagine surviving break-ups okay enough, or strategies to cope with pain. Have you ever tried cognitive therapy techniques to alter negative thinking patterns (ex. See the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, or the book "Learned Optimism")? Do you have an array of ways of healthily coping with emotional pain (ex. Journaling, talking with friends, exercise, nature time, spirituality or religion, etc?) I had a brief look at Feeling Good but I’ll sure give it another go  I have been learning to be happy on my own and with myself and constantly working hard towards my career for years. I feel that now I’m at a stage where I’m genuinely happy in life and if I don’t have a partner, it’s ok. I guess it’s only when I start falling for someone, it reminds me of the pain and loss I endured. I recently got a job offer that I had been dreaming and working towards for years. It was a real battle with lots of self hate, feeling defeat and hard work. Once I learned I got the job and signed the contract, I never felt sooo happy. I would do it all over again. I guess I have to see dating and relationships this way cos the journey is really about self learning and never giving up. I’d never want to go through those times when I was thinking if I’ll never be good enough for the job but at the same time working hard and telling myself I’m destined for it. I’d never want to go through those times again but if I had to, id do it all over again Thanks for your advice and giving me the chance to write this out |
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