Post by 15shew on Dec 30, 2018 18:49:23 GMT
Hello,
This is my first post so please be gentle
I'm just asking for some advice really, about what might have happened and whether to hold on to hope or let go. I tried to keep it succinct, sorry for the length.
Ex gf and I (both early 30s, both F) dated for 7 months. We were both equally excited about each other, very present in the relationship, very loving and caring, and wanted to spend all our time together.
I am anxious, I am fairly certain she is avoidant in some ways - introverted, needed some space and time on her own, reluctant to introduce me to family - but no other major red flags such as pulling away, in fact the opposite.
She is on anti-depressants, seeing a therapist, and has an unsupportive family in terms of her sexuality. Has been increasing in low mood and self esteem recently, very critical of herself, low sex drive etc.
We went on vacation end of October, she seemed increasingly withdrawn but reassured me it wasn't to do with me. On return, she asked for a break, 2 weeks later she broke up with me - that was 6 weeks ago. She said she needed to feel okay on her own and didn’t want me to rely on her when she’s feeling useless. She just kept saying she couldn’t put herself first in a relationship and needed to be on her own to figure out her stuff. She said she just couldn’t be in a relationship right now, that she wanted to be an island and couldn't support me while she couldn't support herself.
She also said she wasn't feeling the same about me right now, but she also said she was feeling fairly numb and wasn’t excited or upset about anything, hadn't cried at all over our breakup or her issues.
She was adamant we stayed friends, she is friends with her exes (still lives with one of them) but for 5 weeks we had no contact at all. She texted me on Christmas Day to wish me a nice Christmas, and used some of her usual defence mechanisms of talking about food and drink.
I didn't want her to feel I had abandoned her, as she doesn't have many reliable people in her life, so before Christmas I had sent her a card saying I was here for her if she wanted to talk. She texted me to say thank you for the card a few days ago when she got it, no contact since. She still follows me on all social media.
My friends and therapist thinks most likely she probably deactivated her attachment system when we reached an uncomfortable level of intimacy for her, on our vacation, which could explain how she seemed to shut down very quickly - she became unusually fairly unemotional and uncaring during the breakup. She had also been to stay with her family the weekend before our vacation and I wonder if that made the disconnect between them and our relationship too much to cope with. But, I do also wonder if she's suffering in terms of her mental health. I don't know if there is any way of picking these two apart? The symptoms fit both explanations!
I am trying to focus on me, making plans for the future for me, and keeping the door open for her. I have accepted that she can't be in a relationship and needs to focus on her own issues, but I don't know whether the breakup was due to mental health or the drawbridge being pulled up. I'm curious if anyone has encountered this kind of mix of low mental health and avoidant behaviour, and what other people's perspectives might be on my situation. She is engaging with her therapy, increased it even, which is good, but I don't know whether her contact with me is the typical first signs of her coming back once I've backed off and the threat of intimacy is gone, or just a friendly platonic bit of contact, and therefore what to do next. I'm aware of the anxious avoidant trap/dance, but seeing as in 7 months we really didn't have any problems, it seems a bit different from typical push pull relationships, and I am working on my anxiety and would really love to try again with her as we were so good together generally.
Any advice gratefully received
This is my first post so please be gentle
I'm just asking for some advice really, about what might have happened and whether to hold on to hope or let go. I tried to keep it succinct, sorry for the length.
Ex gf and I (both early 30s, both F) dated for 7 months. We were both equally excited about each other, very present in the relationship, very loving and caring, and wanted to spend all our time together.
I am anxious, I am fairly certain she is avoidant in some ways - introverted, needed some space and time on her own, reluctant to introduce me to family - but no other major red flags such as pulling away, in fact the opposite.
She is on anti-depressants, seeing a therapist, and has an unsupportive family in terms of her sexuality. Has been increasing in low mood and self esteem recently, very critical of herself, low sex drive etc.
We went on vacation end of October, she seemed increasingly withdrawn but reassured me it wasn't to do with me. On return, she asked for a break, 2 weeks later she broke up with me - that was 6 weeks ago. She said she needed to feel okay on her own and didn’t want me to rely on her when she’s feeling useless. She just kept saying she couldn’t put herself first in a relationship and needed to be on her own to figure out her stuff. She said she just couldn’t be in a relationship right now, that she wanted to be an island and couldn't support me while she couldn't support herself.
She also said she wasn't feeling the same about me right now, but she also said she was feeling fairly numb and wasn’t excited or upset about anything, hadn't cried at all over our breakup or her issues.
She was adamant we stayed friends, she is friends with her exes (still lives with one of them) but for 5 weeks we had no contact at all. She texted me on Christmas Day to wish me a nice Christmas, and used some of her usual defence mechanisms of talking about food and drink.
I didn't want her to feel I had abandoned her, as she doesn't have many reliable people in her life, so before Christmas I had sent her a card saying I was here for her if she wanted to talk. She texted me to say thank you for the card a few days ago when she got it, no contact since. She still follows me on all social media.
My friends and therapist thinks most likely she probably deactivated her attachment system when we reached an uncomfortable level of intimacy for her, on our vacation, which could explain how she seemed to shut down very quickly - she became unusually fairly unemotional and uncaring during the breakup. She had also been to stay with her family the weekend before our vacation and I wonder if that made the disconnect between them and our relationship too much to cope with. But, I do also wonder if she's suffering in terms of her mental health. I don't know if there is any way of picking these two apart? The symptoms fit both explanations!
I am trying to focus on me, making plans for the future for me, and keeping the door open for her. I have accepted that she can't be in a relationship and needs to focus on her own issues, but I don't know whether the breakup was due to mental health or the drawbridge being pulled up. I'm curious if anyone has encountered this kind of mix of low mental health and avoidant behaviour, and what other people's perspectives might be on my situation. She is engaging with her therapy, increased it even, which is good, but I don't know whether her contact with me is the typical first signs of her coming back once I've backed off and the threat of intimacy is gone, or just a friendly platonic bit of contact, and therefore what to do next. I'm aware of the anxious avoidant trap/dance, but seeing as in 7 months we really didn't have any problems, it seems a bit different from typical push pull relationships, and I am working on my anxiety and would really love to try again with her as we were so good together generally.
Any advice gratefully received
