Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2019 23:27:35 GMT
I recently had an insight from a conversation with a DA friend of mine. We were talking about how we're both commitment phobic, though we don't seem to be that sort of persons. he said there're consequences to committing, and while there are also consequences to not committing, the former is just bigger and he's less willing to deal with them. we both want tattoos and we're both not getting anything because... commitment. haha.
in any case, it made me think about why i'm afraid of commitment; it wasn't something that I didn't already know but I think it didn't click in me till recently. Commitment for me is a huge deal because I give alot when I commit - it's like a "do or die" mentality. When I do commit to plans e.g., getting my certifications, it never once crossed my mind to quit even when i was burnt out and suffering. it was just a no questions asked: I'm gg to do it even if it kills me.
For me, committing to a relationship always felt like i was giving away everything i had, and if it didnt work out, i'll lose everything. it felt like when i'm in a serious rship, my center is outside of myself, and everything i have is taken outside of me into that center that's placed outside of myself. recently, i had started to understand that it was important to keep that center within me, and that the relationship should add to this center/core. when I started thinking this way, relationships feel alot safer to me, and loving someone else in ways they need but not fulfilling to mine also seems alot easier.
I have recently started to consider this "center" to be where my inner core is placed, and that what I do is it add to this core, so that my inner self can be fulfilled and expand to be better, richer, and bigger. and everything I do must add to the core, and take away from it. and relationships are the same. i have relationships that are replenishing to the core, and anything that does not do that, i will have to remove. and if i do have depleting relationships, i simply need to adjust it so that the core remains fulfilled. when the center is moved outside and away from my inner core, i'm misaligned and out of whack, and my inner core starts to panic. and what happens is that when i get into relationships that i'm really serious about, the center moves away from me, into a liminal space there it cannot stand on it's own, because 1. there is no core to center around since the relationship is not developed enough to provide any foundation/solid ground and 2. i have no more center and i'm lost. this is extremely scary (like being lost in space! no more gravity!) and therefore, the commitment phobia happens.
relationships are not things that will take my core away from me/my center... i only thought of them that way, which creates so much stress and fear when i do want to commit, and then i can't. my center is within me, and it is my job to 1. fill it up so that it is full and expanding, and 2. keep it there stably and securely so that i am not reacting to external conditions in an uncontrolled way.
in any case, it made me think about why i'm afraid of commitment; it wasn't something that I didn't already know but I think it didn't click in me till recently. Commitment for me is a huge deal because I give alot when I commit - it's like a "do or die" mentality. When I do commit to plans e.g., getting my certifications, it never once crossed my mind to quit even when i was burnt out and suffering. it was just a no questions asked: I'm gg to do it even if it kills me.
For me, committing to a relationship always felt like i was giving away everything i had, and if it didnt work out, i'll lose everything. it felt like when i'm in a serious rship, my center is outside of myself, and everything i have is taken outside of me into that center that's placed outside of myself. recently, i had started to understand that it was important to keep that center within me, and that the relationship should add to this center/core. when I started thinking this way, relationships feel alot safer to me, and loving someone else in ways they need but not fulfilling to mine also seems alot easier.
I have recently started to consider this "center" to be where my inner core is placed, and that what I do is it add to this core, so that my inner self can be fulfilled and expand to be better, richer, and bigger. and everything I do must add to the core, and take away from it. and relationships are the same. i have relationships that are replenishing to the core, and anything that does not do that, i will have to remove. and if i do have depleting relationships, i simply need to adjust it so that the core remains fulfilled. when the center is moved outside and away from my inner core, i'm misaligned and out of whack, and my inner core starts to panic. and what happens is that when i get into relationships that i'm really serious about, the center moves away from me, into a liminal space there it cannot stand on it's own, because 1. there is no core to center around since the relationship is not developed enough to provide any foundation/solid ground and 2. i have no more center and i'm lost. this is extremely scary (like being lost in space! no more gravity!) and therefore, the commitment phobia happens.
relationships are not things that will take my core away from me/my center... i only thought of them that way, which creates so much stress and fear when i do want to commit, and then i can't. my center is within me, and it is my job to 1. fill it up so that it is full and expanding, and 2. keep it there stably and securely so that i am not reacting to external conditions in an uncontrolled way.
