Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 5, 2019 19:45:56 GMT
I’m new to this forum and so glad I found it! I’m only now discovering attachment styles as I’m trying to make sense of what is now my third breakup….all occurring in the past 6 months…. with my BF of almost 3 yrs. I’ve discovered that he is textbook FA. It has given me some peace in my storm of grief to realize that there is a label for my experience and people who can relate!
The background: My BF had met me a year after his divorce where his wife was having an affair. He hadn’t married her until he was 40 years old and they were married only 2 years. His claim is that they were perfectly happy up until she started the affairs. Of course, she was wrong for making that choice and he adamantly blamed her for everything. He took no ownership in any part of the demise of the marriage, but even hearing his account of the story I clearly saw that he was neglectful of her. They seemed to be existing in the same house but living separate lives.
When he and I met, it was a whirlwind for 2 months. At that time, I told him I was concerned about being a rebound. He told me that he “wasn’t sure if he can get there emotionally with me” and “he’s not even sure he’s capable of love”, but that he really liked me and didn’t want to stop seeing me. I wasn’t aware of the FA in him, so I assumed that his hesitation was only because he was still healing from the divorce and with a little time and patience, we could get there. So, I agreed to continue, but I told him that I wasn’t just looking for something casual. I could go as slow as he needed but I did eventually want a relationship. He agreed, so we continued with the promise that if at any time he determined there definitely wasn’t a future, he would break it off. A few weeks later he suddenly ghosted for 4 months. I went NC and gave him the space 1) because I admittedly knew that despite our talk, we were WAY too into each other and we had gone WAY too fast and 2) I knew he was still healing from his divorce and I was still concerned about being the rebound. I decided to let him come back when he was ready…..and he did.
Our first year was very slow and then transitioned to exclusive relationship into the second year. I always felt the transition was a little awkward. He never really “claimed” me as his girlfriend….I just started referring to him as my boyfriend and he never resisted. We had been dating exclusively at that point for several months and seeing each other several times a week so I called a duck a duck. In the course of the relationship, we built an undeniable connection and we both consider each other best friends, but he has always been hesitant to throw himself “all in” emotionally. He would create distance whenever we experienced something that brought us closer. He would compartmentalize and keep me separate from his family, work, friends, other interests….even though we shared many of the same friends and interests. Close friends knew we were dating but friends through social media didn't even know I had a boyfriend...especially one for 3 years because there was absolutely NO indication. He didn't even like to take pictures with me and would complain any time I tried...even when I was just going to keep it for myself. I was dating a ghost. And when I would make a request for validation, it didn’t matter how gently I tried, he would become irrationally irritated (going 0-100 in 2 sec), defensive, blame shifted and then would physically leave for a week or so.
He has also battled depression and feelings of low self-worth. He went through a few different jobs. His wife had left him with the burden of paying off thousands in debt and in the course of our relationship, he lost his home and had to go live in the basement of a friend’s house. He expressed feeling like a loser because of that. I offered for him to move in with me but for some reason, he wouldn’t (Oh how I wish I had known about FA!). He would often express feelings of depression, numbness, low self-esteem. Just a few weeks before our last breakup he had even told me that he “loathed” himself. I was surprised by the harshness of that word and I told him that I only wished he could see himself through my eyes. Of course, he shut down the conversation.
The breakups: In May 2018, we had an argument over an incident where he outright ignored me in a social setting and he impulsively broke up. No conversation or anything. When he came to get his things a couple weeks later, he told me he can’t give me what I need and so he didn’t see a future with me but that he adored me and I was his best friend. Then he told me for the first time that he loved me….during breakup….and he didn’t leave without coming back to kiss me about 5 times (talk about mixed signals!).
A month later in June, he sent me an email confessing that he missed me terribly and that he really did love me but he hoped that one day I would understand why he made that decision. Two days later he ran into me at an event and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We ended up back together and he was back for another month and then broke up again in July saying that he made a mistake and said the same things he said during the 1st breakup. The trigger for the 2nd breakup was again impulsive over something very insignificant….I had tagged us at a concert together on social media (?!)
Then in August he returned a 3rd time and told me that he didn’t see his life without me in it and that he only now realized he was just scared and running. He told me that throughout his life, he had never dated anyone that was “memorable” except for me and his ex-wife. He said girlfriends always just came and went through his life and there was never any bond with any of them. He said of course he missed prior girlfriends after breakup, but he always knew that he made the right decision. He said he had NEVER returned after break up to ANYONE (including the ex) except me (much less twice!). He told me that our connection was reminiscent of his connection with his ex and he knew I wouldn’t cheat but he was triggered by that and was terrified of me leaving him. He told me he wanted to “get me before I got him”. He promised he wouldn’t break up again and he knew he had work to do to regain trust. We were together another 3 months, but it felt like he just settled back in. The distance was still there. He had been preoccupied with finding another job and finding another place to live. He still spent a lot of time with me, but he wasn’t “present”. One night, I tried to express my needs for affection and I asked him if he was still attracted to me and all he told me was that I was making him feel uncomfortable and then he stormed out. The following two weeks I tried to get him to have a conversation and he wouldn’t. There were a few text exchanges where he told me he thought we were perfectly happy (same as his marriage!) and then I just "hit him with a barrage of insecurities” and that he “can’t keep up with my constant need for validation”. I told him that I am very secure in everything in life but that YES I WAS insecure in our relationship because he had created that insecurity because in the breakups he had told me both that he loved me and that he didn't. He said we couldn't move forward if I was always bringing up the past (that had just all happened in the last 6 months!). Those were our last texts and we are now both in NC. He never really “broke up” with me (man of his word!) but he’s been gone for over a month and a half and I’ve still got most of his wardrobe and a few personal items. Since leaving I found out that he’s quit his job and found a place to live with a roommate, so even though there wasn’t really a breakup…it’s definitely obvious he’s moved on. I have no idea why he doesn’t even want to get his things.
My main questions are really geared to the FAs, but I appreciate anyone who has had a similar experience. I am ok with honest responses.
The background: My BF had met me a year after his divorce where his wife was having an affair. He hadn’t married her until he was 40 years old and they were married only 2 years. His claim is that they were perfectly happy up until she started the affairs. Of course, she was wrong for making that choice and he adamantly blamed her for everything. He took no ownership in any part of the demise of the marriage, but even hearing his account of the story I clearly saw that he was neglectful of her. They seemed to be existing in the same house but living separate lives.
When he and I met, it was a whirlwind for 2 months. At that time, I told him I was concerned about being a rebound. He told me that he “wasn’t sure if he can get there emotionally with me” and “he’s not even sure he’s capable of love”, but that he really liked me and didn’t want to stop seeing me. I wasn’t aware of the FA in him, so I assumed that his hesitation was only because he was still healing from the divorce and with a little time and patience, we could get there. So, I agreed to continue, but I told him that I wasn’t just looking for something casual. I could go as slow as he needed but I did eventually want a relationship. He agreed, so we continued with the promise that if at any time he determined there definitely wasn’t a future, he would break it off. A few weeks later he suddenly ghosted for 4 months. I went NC and gave him the space 1) because I admittedly knew that despite our talk, we were WAY too into each other and we had gone WAY too fast and 2) I knew he was still healing from his divorce and I was still concerned about being the rebound. I decided to let him come back when he was ready…..and he did.
Our first year was very slow and then transitioned to exclusive relationship into the second year. I always felt the transition was a little awkward. He never really “claimed” me as his girlfriend….I just started referring to him as my boyfriend and he never resisted. We had been dating exclusively at that point for several months and seeing each other several times a week so I called a duck a duck. In the course of the relationship, we built an undeniable connection and we both consider each other best friends, but he has always been hesitant to throw himself “all in” emotionally. He would create distance whenever we experienced something that brought us closer. He would compartmentalize and keep me separate from his family, work, friends, other interests….even though we shared many of the same friends and interests. Close friends knew we were dating but friends through social media didn't even know I had a boyfriend...especially one for 3 years because there was absolutely NO indication. He didn't even like to take pictures with me and would complain any time I tried...even when I was just going to keep it for myself. I was dating a ghost. And when I would make a request for validation, it didn’t matter how gently I tried, he would become irrationally irritated (going 0-100 in 2 sec), defensive, blame shifted and then would physically leave for a week or so.
He has also battled depression and feelings of low self-worth. He went through a few different jobs. His wife had left him with the burden of paying off thousands in debt and in the course of our relationship, he lost his home and had to go live in the basement of a friend’s house. He expressed feeling like a loser because of that. I offered for him to move in with me but for some reason, he wouldn’t (Oh how I wish I had known about FA!). He would often express feelings of depression, numbness, low self-esteem. Just a few weeks before our last breakup he had even told me that he “loathed” himself. I was surprised by the harshness of that word and I told him that I only wished he could see himself through my eyes. Of course, he shut down the conversation.
The breakups: In May 2018, we had an argument over an incident where he outright ignored me in a social setting and he impulsively broke up. No conversation or anything. When he came to get his things a couple weeks later, he told me he can’t give me what I need and so he didn’t see a future with me but that he adored me and I was his best friend. Then he told me for the first time that he loved me….during breakup….and he didn’t leave without coming back to kiss me about 5 times (talk about mixed signals!).
A month later in June, he sent me an email confessing that he missed me terribly and that he really did love me but he hoped that one day I would understand why he made that decision. Two days later he ran into me at an event and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We ended up back together and he was back for another month and then broke up again in July saying that he made a mistake and said the same things he said during the 1st breakup. The trigger for the 2nd breakup was again impulsive over something very insignificant….I had tagged us at a concert together on social media (?!)
Then in August he returned a 3rd time and told me that he didn’t see his life without me in it and that he only now realized he was just scared and running. He told me that throughout his life, he had never dated anyone that was “memorable” except for me and his ex-wife. He said girlfriends always just came and went through his life and there was never any bond with any of them. He said of course he missed prior girlfriends after breakup, but he always knew that he made the right decision. He said he had NEVER returned after break up to ANYONE (including the ex) except me (much less twice!). He told me that our connection was reminiscent of his connection with his ex and he knew I wouldn’t cheat but he was triggered by that and was terrified of me leaving him. He told me he wanted to “get me before I got him”. He promised he wouldn’t break up again and he knew he had work to do to regain trust. We were together another 3 months, but it felt like he just settled back in. The distance was still there. He had been preoccupied with finding another job and finding another place to live. He still spent a lot of time with me, but he wasn’t “present”. One night, I tried to express my needs for affection and I asked him if he was still attracted to me and all he told me was that I was making him feel uncomfortable and then he stormed out. The following two weeks I tried to get him to have a conversation and he wouldn’t. There were a few text exchanges where he told me he thought we were perfectly happy (same as his marriage!) and then I just "hit him with a barrage of insecurities” and that he “can’t keep up with my constant need for validation”. I told him that I am very secure in everything in life but that YES I WAS insecure in our relationship because he had created that insecurity because in the breakups he had told me both that he loved me and that he didn't. He said we couldn't move forward if I was always bringing up the past (that had just all happened in the last 6 months!). Those were our last texts and we are now both in NC. He never really “broke up” with me (man of his word!) but he’s been gone for over a month and a half and I’ve still got most of his wardrobe and a few personal items. Since leaving I found out that he’s quit his job and found a place to live with a roommate, so even though there wasn’t really a breakup…it’s definitely obvious he’s moved on. I have no idea why he doesn’t even want to get his things.
My main questions are really geared to the FAs, but I appreciate anyone who has had a similar experience. I am ok with honest responses.
- Does he REALLY believe that he is justified, and that it was totally MY insecurity that ended the relationship?
- Has he absolved himself of all responsibility? Or is he aware deep down that he is just pushing me away?
- Since I am the only one he has ever returned to and claimed to have connected with that didn’t screw him over, is it possible that he did really love me “best of all”? Will he ever look at me as the “one that got away”? Or is that even possible for an FA? (not sure why I need that nugget of validation..but I do)
- Will he ever regret his decision or be ashamed/feel guilt for the way he “ended” our relationship?
- Not likely but could he still possibly come back? I’m not saying I want him to…I’m working with my therapist to strengthen myself so I’ll be prepared with the right decision.
