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Post by autumn on Jan 10, 2019 22:47:03 GMT
Thanks everyone for providing further insights - this has given me a lot to contemplate and reflect on..
I completely agree with a lot of the points made on the fact that regardless of his behavior, I did not communicate effectively and that this behavior can be self-sabotaging. The more I reflect on it, I realize how unhelpful it is to tell someone how they are feeling, rather than explaining how you are feeling and the specific reasons why that was the case. The point about boundaries is important - I didn't communicate these - I didn't express my feelings that I wanted to slow down or that I didn't like comparisons to his ex. Instead of trying to have an honest conversation about this, I think I wanted reassurance from him that he was over the ex and that I had nothing to worry about, but how are you supposed to do this with someone you don't know very well, and when someone has already made up their mind as to how you are feeling?
In thinking through this more, I was definitely afraid of rejection and I think taking control of the situation in this way was an act of self-preservation if anything, to avoid him ending it for potentially other reasons (particularly since I felt he rushed it and didn't really know the real me, and once he did I was convinced he would change his mind). And happyidiot's examples of misinterpreting signs or signals is also totally on point - for example, I noticed he wore a catholic pendant and added this to the reasons why I thought we were not a good match (I am not religious at all).
This does seem to fit a recurring pattern for me. This past summer I was seeing someone I've known for a long time who doesn't live in my city and we tried dating for the first time. At his invitation, I went to visit him and during the weekend convinced myself he didn't want me there. When I brought this up he told me I was being paranoid. The next morning I left early because I felt an overwhelming urge to leave as quickly as possible. Things between us were distant for a few months after that and we've never been able to openly communicate about what happened. Clearly I need to work on my communication skills!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2019 23:06:13 GMT
Thanks everyone for providing further insights - this has given me a lot to contemplate and reflect on.. I completely agree with a lot of the points made on the fact that regardless of his behavior, I did not communicate effectively and that this behavior can be self-sabotaging. The more I reflect on it, I realize how unhelpful it is to tell someone how they are feeling, rather than explaining how you are feeling and the specific reasons why that was the case. The point about boundaries is important - I didn't communicate these - I didn't express my feelings that I wanted to slow down or that I didn't like comparisons to his ex. Instead of trying to have an honest conversation about this, I think I wanted reassurance from him that he was over the ex and that I had nothing to worry about, but how are you supposed to do this with someone you don't know very well, and when someone has already made up their mind as to how you are feeling? In thinking through this more, I was definitely afraid of rejection and I think taking control of the situation in this way was an act of self-preservation if anything, to avoid him ending it for potentially other reasons (particularly since I felt he rushed it and didn't really know the real me, and once he did I was convinced he would change his mind). And happyidiot's examples of misinterpreting signs or signals is also totally on point - for example, I noticed he wore a catholic pendant and added this to the reasons why I thought we were not a good match (I am not religious at all). This does seem to fit a recurring pattern for me. This past summer I was seeing someone I've known for a long time who doesn't live in my city and we tried dating for the first time. At his invitation, I went to visit him and during the weekend convinced myself he didn't want me there. When I brought this up he told me I was being paranoid. The next morning I left early because I felt an overwhelming urge to leave as quickly as possible. Things between us were distant for a few months after that and we've never been able to openly communicate about what happened. Clearly I need to work on my communication skills! this is so interesting for me... i've noticed that i've done the same. I am often confused about sensing red flags vs communicating boundaries (which i feel sometimes shut down the red flag alert too early). On one hand, i feel like if i put in place boundaries, sometimes I might miss important information because it got filtered out early. for example, talking about the ex is a way for me to know how he thinks/feels about rships and how he speaks of past relationships - as much as i don't feel comfortable hearing about the ex, it's something i would want to know in advance. asking explicitly for assurance or for his thoughts/feelings are sometimes not quite accurate - people might not be consciously/unconsciously aware of their own true feelings and say what they want you to hear (no i clearly don't trust most people to be honest, esp when it comes to these things). This is particularly true in situations like autumn is describing... when you don't really know the person very well. thoughts? |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 10, 2019 23:40:00 GMT
Thanks everyone for providing further insights - this has given me a lot to contemplate and reflect on.. I completely agree with a lot of the points made on the fact that regardless of his behavior, I did not communicate effectively and that this behavior can be self-sabotaging. The more I reflect on it, I realize how unhelpful it is to tell someone how they are feeling, rather than explaining how you are feeling and the specific reasons why that was the case. The point about boundaries is important - I didn't communicate these - I didn't express my feelings that I wanted to slow down or that I didn't like comparisons to his ex. Instead of trying to have an honest conversation about this, I think I wanted reassurance from him that he was over the ex and that I had nothing to worry about, but how are you supposed to do this with someone you don't know very well, and when someone has already made up their mind as to how you are feeling? In thinking through this more, I was definitely afraid of rejection and I think taking control of the situation in this way was an act of self-preservation if anything, to avoid him ending it for potentially other reasons (particularly since I felt he rushed it and didn't really know the real me, and once he did I was convinced he would change his mind). And happyidiot's examples of misinterpreting signs or signals is also totally on point - for example, I noticed he wore a catholic pendant and added this to the reasons why I thought we were not a good match (I am not religious at all). This does seem to fit a recurring pattern for me. This past summer I was seeing someone I've known for a long time who doesn't live in my city and we tried dating for the first time. At his invitation, I went to visit him and during the weekend convinced myself he didn't want me there. When I brought this up he told me I was being paranoid. The next morning I left early because I felt an overwhelming urge to leave as quickly as possible. Things between us were distant for a few months after that and we've never been able to openly communicate about what happened. Clearly I need to work on my communication skills! Self-awareness is more than half the battle!! Took me over 40 years and not until this recent break to identify and manage my AP ways. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 11, 2019 12:04:30 GMT
I read the original post and can see how he would think you have ended it. He was sincere in his intentions, let you know of them, you said you weren’t interested, you parted. I think it perfectly proper to not engage in communication after that. I don’t think of it as ghosting at all.
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Post by autumn on Jan 11, 2019 19:58:25 GMT
I read the original post and can see how he would think you have ended it. He was sincere in his intentions, let you know of them, you said you weren’t interested, you parted. I think it perfectly proper to not engage in communication after that. I don’t think of it as ghosting at all. Thanks mrob for your take on this. Its very interesting to me how differently the perceptions of this interaction are (which of course can happen when you don't know the people involved and also have only one side of the story to go off of). This also brings up happyidiot's point that we can tend to skew or misremember things, and I'm wondering if I also did that in this case (also the fact that alcohol was involved really can mess up memory). This is what is tough about the lack of communication though, it leaves me obsessing over what I did or didn't do because I can't actually hear his side of this. Do you think it would be worth sending one final message to him, just acknowledging my confusion at how abruptly our communication ended, and hoping for some clarity? |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 11, 2019 20:29:04 GMT
autumn, the split in responses you're getting here is also related to the split in the posters' attachment style. The FA are giving you a different perspective than the AP, which is good, so that you're getting a broader picture. I was AP and am secure now, and still think you're dealing with two separate issues here. One is the tendency to self-sabotage when nothing is directly wrong with the partner and you are projecting baggage and pre-existing issues, which happyidiot did a good job exploring. The other is this specific separation, which sounds to me like has situation-specific issues that are truly problematic. Whether or not you left intentionally, I do think you left at the right time, and it resulted in introspecting on your needs and communication style-- so that you can focus on not sabotaging your next romantic pairing if it's with someone more available. I'd focus on that instead of re-engaging with a guy who wants a wife but also quick sex and maybe a rebound and didn't want to respond to you when you tried to communicate better about things when you were more sober. I don't believe the issues here were only yours.
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 11, 2019 21:10:37 GMT
I read the original post and can see how he would think you have ended it. He was sincere in his intentions, let you know of them, you said you weren’t interested, you parted. I think it perfectly proper to not engage in communication after that. I don’t think of it as ghosting at all. Thanks mrob for your take on this. Its very interesting to me how differently the perceptions of this interaction are (which of course can happen when you don't know the people involved and also have only one side of the story to go off of). This also brings up happyidiot's point that we can tend to skew or misremember things, and I'm wondering if I also did that in this case (also the fact that alcohol was involved really can mess up memory). This is what is tough about the lack of communication though, it leaves me obsessing over what I did or didn't do because I can't actually hear his side of this. Do you think it would be worth sending one final message to him, just acknowledging my confusion at how abruptly our communication ended, and hoping for some clarity? Nah, just because I think it's possible that you might be engaging in closeness-sabotaging thoughts/behaviors doesn't mean that it wasn't ultimately for the best that this particular guy got scared off. Why not just practice being mindful with the next person? I get the impression your anxious side is getting activated since he ghosted you. I don't agree with mrob that the ghosting is reasonable. It's not hard for that guy to send a quick final message. |
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Jan 11, 2019 21:49:12 GMT
So many red flags about this man.
That also sounds like love-bombing to me, especially the part where he seems to put in a lot of efforts to convince you that he's your soul mate.
It's too fast - after 2 dates?
The ghosting confirms it.
A normal man would have taken your concerns about his ex seriously, apologized and tried to bring her up less often.
Sorry, this has narc written all over it too.
I agree - you dodged a bullet.
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Post by autumn on Jan 11, 2019 22:14:26 GMT
Liz, Happyidiot, Alexandra - thank you, I think I needed to hear this. You are absolutely right that my anxious side is now activated when it wasn't at all before - I cannot stop obsessing over what happened and why. It doesn't even have much to do with this guy exactly - I think my intuition was right about him and I don't want to pursue anything further. But somehow I still wish I could have behaved differently and the regret and lack of clarity on how he views the situation is driving me crazy. I wish I didn't have this obsessive side - and that it wasn't so easily triggered.
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