What FA says vs. what he means

I was talking to a friend today. I'm so used to be mistreated i've become desensitized to it. I've been on my own, on and off, since I was 15. I've lived in horrible places. I've only known abuse and abandonment. I need help.

I married an abuser when I knew he was abusive. And, after 7 years I had the strength to leave. I lost everything, but gained self respect. I felt so powerful. I felt like I could do anything and I was worth the love of a healthy man.

Then...I met M. He didn't have the obvious red flags. My ex husband was toxic from the beginning. M was toxic when we started discussing moving in together. His behavior triggered my toxic behavior. The red flags were there. I just didn't see them. He lives like I do. We're both adult children. I have committment issues in almost every area of my life, but have no problem being monogamous. He has no idea that I'm scared to "get a damn job" because i've always worked for myself. The thought of having to be at work at a certain time makes me feel suffocated. I have a hard enough time planning vacations, spending the night anywhere, agreeing to go somewhere without having my car, picking a restaurant...I could go on and on.

Everyone tells me he's abusive and I had no clue.

It sounds like you both are saying a lot of often contradictory things to each other. I am not sure I would put a lot of stock in the words coming out of his mouth. He might be thinking out loud or trying out language that justifies the break up so he does not feel like a bad guy. He has said he is done and has no romantic feelings so there is no good reason for him to be still sparring with you.

I would go no contact and stick with it. After you get over the initial detox from him, you will feel calmer and get perspective.

My FA ex has directly said to me that he doesn't understand his own motivations. I've written some other posts in other threads about how FA can develop a false self for defense mechanism reasons as kids and end up very disconnected from themselves as a result. I used to think if words were not in line with actions, listen to the actions, but that's not right either. If there is any misalignment full stop, there are issues and the person is unlikely to be emotionally stable.

Your latest message sounds like you're giving yourself tough but honest love. If you know you're toxic for each other, which you are right now, and that you need help, then treat withdrawing from him like an addiction (break ups and detaching emotional bonds are chemically similar to that anyway), disengage, and focus on doing what's best for youself, such as starting therapy if you haven't already. You'll be okay-- this experience is helping you identify your personal areas that need some attention!

I too am struggling with these questions after my FA boyfriend of three years suddenly broke up with me for the third time in 6 months. He’s told me each breakup that adored me but he just didn’t see a future with me only to come back a month later and claim that he does love me and we have a special connection he’s never felt with anyone before. It’s highly confusing. Now we are broken up for the third time and it’s been two months. It feels like years. I miss him terribly. Anyways, it’s nice to hear an honest answer from another FA. I think that’s the biggest question we always have is if they really love us or if they just “think” they love us. I just know that the love felt real to me. I hope it felt real to him as well.

His actions are absolutely about him, not you, although they can be triggered by you. He sounds so FA it's not even funny.

I ask myself the exact same question: do I have feelings for this person, or do I just think I do? And I have trouble admitting it to myself, but the truth is my feelings are real, how could they be fake? That doesn't make sense. But I literally have been through phases that have lasted weeks, months even, making myself believe that it's all a ruse. I actually manage to convince myself of that. Ditto on questioning if I have a future with said person. I also question their feelings much the same way I question mine.

I don't know how to act consistently normal when I have feelings for someone, so I'd rather just stomp on the feelings and turn away. In reality, they exist in there somewhere even when I have no access to them in that moment. And they tend to come back stronger and deeper than before (although this could be because I'm actively working on changing my attachment style, so I grow more and more aware of their depth each cycle).

Lastly, I can't even really rely on my gut instinct either. Not entirely anyway. Because my whole body sends messages like "I don't care about him" and "I actually dislike him". When I'm triggered avoidant, I tend to tense up and feel uncomfortable around someone I care about romantically. Locked in place. So then I start thinking that there's a good reason I'm doing that, and the reason MUST be because that person is actually bad, untrustworthy, hateful, etc. But now it's obvious to me, how come I don't tense up around actual untrustworthy people? I know so many of them, but I'm not interested in them romantically, so I don't tense up — I simply don't trust them and am not friends with them. But with my romantic interest, despite my fear, I am drawn to them at the same time. Mystery solved.

Sorry I typed so much. I'm figuring myself out.[/quote]


I’m just really glad to see your perspective and glad you are so open to share it. To me, secure with anxious tendencies, it’s just completely foreign that anyone would push away love. My boyfriend would always say “sometimes love can ruin a perfectly good relationship”. I never understood what he meant by that. Now that I’ve discovered attachment styles and the FA, I totally feel like I understand. Still doesn’t makes sense to me but I’m understanding why he would say it. When he left this last time he told me we are two people who love each other very much and just can’t make it work. But he left me just because I asked him why he kept me at such distance. He actually didn’t even breakup....just left. I still have his clothes from two months ago. It’s been hard for me to get closure. I just don’t get it.

For me, it's because "love" cannot be trusted. What's the catch? So I push it away. I don't trust it. Those who have "loved" me have hurt me a lot in the past.

I don't think "love can ruin a perfectly good relationship", I think your boyfriend is just unaware of his issues.