What FA says vs. what he means

I appreciate your insight and knowing that others experience this too. Yesterday he tried to blame us not getting back together on me because of NC. He said 3 days into NC, he was driving home and was asking himself "what am I doing?" But, I didn't contact him for another week. I told him I didn't contact him because his last words to me were "you just keep setting yourself up for failure and dissappointment..." When I said this to him, he responded, "well, you do! We're not getting back together because of how you've treated me since the breakup!" Ummmm...ok.

Wow....

His actions tell you otherwise?
Really?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say you are just as dysfunctional as he is and that is where you're getting confused.

From the outside, this looks like a fight between toddlers and I am not saying that to be rude.

I'm acknowledging that all this attachment conflict is very old stuff rooted in patterns learned in childhood, and how it plays out can be very child-like.
Kind of tantrum-y.

Now, I totally understand the anger and disgust, as I just went through a bout of that breaking up with an AP partner.
Just remember, like I have to- you are engaged with this because you have your own issues that keep you engaging.

It ends when you square yourself away and patch up the holes and rifts in your own thinking and behavior.

Any of us railing against a frustrating partner are there because we frustrate OURSELVES, that's the way I see it. The tendency to only see what the other person is doing that is outlandish is common for all of us until we see clearly that we are there, doing the dance.

I'm speaking from my own experience, and have been in the blame game before. Early on. But these days, I know that if my struggle involves another person I have to look at what I'm struggling against- is it in me? Does another person really have that much power over me?

The answer, is another person only has as much power over me and my life and my happiness as I give them.
I've got to deal with me first.

I'm still resentful about things I endured and experienced in my last relationship but for me, I feel a lot of positivity about getting more clear on what is important to me and how to have better boundaries No person is worth this kind of drama. Spoken like a true DA, I know. But, maybe it's true. This kind of thing doesn't seem worth the energy it takes to endure what doesn't seem to offer much in the way of intimacy, respect, care, reasonableness, stability... what is of real value here?

I know that AP and DA have VERY different routes to freedom but it starts squarely in the center of us as individuals, no matter the attachment style.

Hope this is helpful, my apologies if not.

I'd say don't look at his actions. Look at the patterns. Those are the most telling. But even more than that, look at the progression. Has there been any improvement on the major problem areas? Or is it worse and worse?

Sounds pretty dysfunctional to me. Patch up what you can, from your end. That means not focusing on him so much. I feel I grew so much after I did that and came back to myself.

You're implying I should trust it then? That my body is correct?

I think it is correct but not in the way I previously assumed. It's correct in telling me "it's not safe" but not necessarily because I don't like that person or that person is bad (these could be true nonetheless), but because I do not have the inner tools to appropriately/securely deal with the dynamic.

For example, I noticed I'm less guarded now, and coincidentally I have better boundaries.

Ah, so you meant it the other way. That you could only stay in a (what I assume, decent) marriage because you didn't listen to your internals going all "yeah, you need to run".

Correct me if I'm wrong.

And yes, I can agree to that.

mrob - Yes, when your instincts and patterns have been influenced in a harmful or negative way it’s best to not trust your instincts and instead create new neuro-pathways that eventually will become the healthier and more familiar way.

My therapist was always talking about forming new neuro-pathways in the brain and going off that beaten trail. She said I may not have been there yet but at least I can be aware of the yellow hazard tape around the familiar, beaten path. Stop. Then make a different choice. It’s very conscious.