Thank you to everyone here
Jan 11, 2019 12:19:37 GMT
via Tapatalk
leavethelighton, epicgum, and 1 more like this
Post by laura on Jan 11, 2019 12:19:37 GMT
I first wanted to say I have never leaned on strangers in a forum for emotional support. I am learning to become a web developer from home which can be very isolating.
When my ex left, I was thrown into a tailspin of dispair.
-Everyone leaves me!
-We rarely fought!
-He didn't give me a chance!
-This always happens around the holidays!
-How am I supposed to focus!
Being able to reach out and process my feelings was essential to my recovery. I didn't see his abuse for what it was. I kept making excuses for his commitment phobic avoidant issues. But, what I have learned is that, although he does have these issues, he was and still is emotionally abusive. He may be using this to protect himself. But, I too need to protect myself from further harm.
After sitting last night writing my last post and reading an entry made to me by faithopelove, I was thinking how much her comment about my ex's abuse. I had no control in our breakup. I felt powerless. I thought we were in a partnership and he dissolved it. I'm not used to things ending so abruptly. I'm used to going down with the ship. I fight for what I want. I'm so used to fighting for so long, I told stand up to see what I'm fighting for. Life has always been an uphill battle, so I assume my love life will be the same.
So what am I fighting for now?
He's willing to give me so little of himself. He may be hiding behind his fears. He may still want me but what does it matter if he's not seeking growth? If he never seeks enlightenment, how can I ever be satisfied. If I am to be in a partnership, I need to be happy too. He acts as if his mere connection to me is a gift. But, I must follow his rules. I was willing to compromise, sure. I was even willing to give more and receive less as I know relationships are not always equitable all the time.
What I'm not willing to do (and why I thank you)
Put up with his verbal name calling. Last thing he said to me is "I'm starting to think something is wrong with you!" Hahaha! He is 100% correct. I'm like a Golden Retriever who gets beaten daily by her owner, yet still wags her tail at any sign of attention or affection. I won't accept abuse as the baseline for love.
I thank you all for seeing this for what it was. I'm chasing a man who is not ready to be in a relationship and it does not mean I'm not loveable. It means he is not the one for me.
I appreciate all of your candid comments. I appreciate comments even if they sound critical or like they are projecting. I love them all. It helps me open my eyes to others' perspectives because we are all valuable.
And, last thing. Thank you mrob. Your insight really helped me. There is so much intensity in so many of your comments. I love your fire! Keep healing!
And thank you to all the other men and women who kept up with me. I'm finally starting to get myself back.
When my ex left, I was thrown into a tailspin of dispair.
-Everyone leaves me!
-We rarely fought!
-He didn't give me a chance!
-This always happens around the holidays!
-How am I supposed to focus!
Being able to reach out and process my feelings was essential to my recovery. I didn't see his abuse for what it was. I kept making excuses for his commitment phobic avoidant issues. But, what I have learned is that, although he does have these issues, he was and still is emotionally abusive. He may be using this to protect himself. But, I too need to protect myself from further harm.
After sitting last night writing my last post and reading an entry made to me by faithopelove, I was thinking how much her comment about my ex's abuse. I had no control in our breakup. I felt powerless. I thought we were in a partnership and he dissolved it. I'm not used to things ending so abruptly. I'm used to going down with the ship. I fight for what I want. I'm so used to fighting for so long, I told stand up to see what I'm fighting for. Life has always been an uphill battle, so I assume my love life will be the same.
So what am I fighting for now?
He's willing to give me so little of himself. He may be hiding behind his fears. He may still want me but what does it matter if he's not seeking growth? If he never seeks enlightenment, how can I ever be satisfied. If I am to be in a partnership, I need to be happy too. He acts as if his mere connection to me is a gift. But, I must follow his rules. I was willing to compromise, sure. I was even willing to give more and receive less as I know relationships are not always equitable all the time.
What I'm not willing to do (and why I thank you)
Put up with his verbal name calling. Last thing he said to me is "I'm starting to think something is wrong with you!" Hahaha! He is 100% correct. I'm like a Golden Retriever who gets beaten daily by her owner, yet still wags her tail at any sign of attention or affection. I won't accept abuse as the baseline for love.
I thank you all for seeing this for what it was. I'm chasing a man who is not ready to be in a relationship and it does not mean I'm not loveable. It means he is not the one for me.
I appreciate all of your candid comments. I appreciate comments even if they sound critical or like they are projecting. I love them all. It helps me open my eyes to others' perspectives because we are all valuable.
And, last thing. Thank you mrob. Your insight really helped me. There is so much intensity in so many of your comments. I love your fire! Keep healing!
And thank you to all the other men and women who kept up with me. I'm finally starting to get myself back.
