Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2019 2:15:54 GMT
god, i was writing this post and then accidentally hit back and LOST THE ENTIRE POST.
anyways, here's a brief summary. went to ikea with an avoidant i am interested in because he's moving house. here're some things i did differently and how i feel about them.
1. not AT ALL about me
In the past, I would take this as an us-activity and see it as a way of connecting/bonding/sharing times together. this time, i just took it that he needed help (i'm good at interior design and I have a car) and that I was there simply for providing advice. at no point did i assume this was a date or that he wanted to spend time with me or that my input was at all valuable on an interpersonal level (just on a practical level). when he invited me to go, he asked if i was bored and wanted to go. since that's the case, i went with the mentality that this was just for my own entertainment. I wasn't there to connect or develop the relationship.
> at some point, i got bored of it all and thought it was a waste of time - and that HE was a waste of time. If i wanted to entertain myself at Ikea, i would do it myself or with a girl who actually likes these things. i also understood that i was in a somewhat avoidant state these days, and can empathize with my ex who seemed to think of activities like this a waste of time. it was indeed a waste of time, if you didn't see it as a way of bonding. To me, most things done together is a waste of time unless the goal is bonding. otherwise, everything else you can do pretty much alone anyways.
2. silence is golden
we didn't talk most of the time unless it was to discuss measurements. even back at home, i just sat in silence while he went about to do his things. i felt abit stupid because i was literally sitting and doing nothing (there's nothing in the house), except for playing with my phone. but it was also nice not to have to engage and expend energy on interpersonal relating when it was not a natural dynamic between us.
> don't make so much effort to understand and affiliate with someone. this IS the relationship - one of mainly silence, sarcastic jabs at me, and mostly a silent shared understanding of each other.
3. don't offer too much help
I'm pretty sure i was still overdoing it (I always ask do you want me to help with this and that). nonetheless, in the past i would have taken the initiative to wash all the new things up and keep them away while he was busy with other things. now i just sit there and play with my phone. it's not my house, not my decorating, not my boyfriend, if i wanted to do it, i should do it with no complaints and no expectations to be appreciated. i did expect to be appreciated so i didn't do it because i didn't want to put myself even more in a situation where i feel like he's an unappreciative person/stingy person, and think poorly of him.
> help offered when not asked for is a power play. don't help if you're unwilling to accept that other people are unappreciative of you. helping is not always a bonding activity - it is only when both parties understand that and are interested in bonding.
In any case, it feels like this is not a healthy way of relating either. i'm struggling to find a balance between connecting and isolating, and am not sure exactly how much is a normal, healthy, secure thing to do. I think my interactions with this guy made him very comfortable (because he seemed alot more relaxed than ever, and is texting me too, which never happens), but I don't think it's enough for me to consider him someone of my inner circle, even as a friend.
anyways, here's a brief summary. went to ikea with an avoidant i am interested in because he's moving house. here're some things i did differently and how i feel about them.
1. not AT ALL about me
In the past, I would take this as an us-activity and see it as a way of connecting/bonding/sharing times together. this time, i just took it that he needed help (i'm good at interior design and I have a car) and that I was there simply for providing advice. at no point did i assume this was a date or that he wanted to spend time with me or that my input was at all valuable on an interpersonal level (just on a practical level). when he invited me to go, he asked if i was bored and wanted to go. since that's the case, i went with the mentality that this was just for my own entertainment. I wasn't there to connect or develop the relationship.
> at some point, i got bored of it all and thought it was a waste of time - and that HE was a waste of time. If i wanted to entertain myself at Ikea, i would do it myself or with a girl who actually likes these things. i also understood that i was in a somewhat avoidant state these days, and can empathize with my ex who seemed to think of activities like this a waste of time. it was indeed a waste of time, if you didn't see it as a way of bonding. To me, most things done together is a waste of time unless the goal is bonding. otherwise, everything else you can do pretty much alone anyways.
2. silence is golden
we didn't talk most of the time unless it was to discuss measurements. even back at home, i just sat in silence while he went about to do his things. i felt abit stupid because i was literally sitting and doing nothing (there's nothing in the house), except for playing with my phone. but it was also nice not to have to engage and expend energy on interpersonal relating when it was not a natural dynamic between us.
> don't make so much effort to understand and affiliate with someone. this IS the relationship - one of mainly silence, sarcastic jabs at me, and mostly a silent shared understanding of each other.
3. don't offer too much help
I'm pretty sure i was still overdoing it (I always ask do you want me to help with this and that). nonetheless, in the past i would have taken the initiative to wash all the new things up and keep them away while he was busy with other things. now i just sit there and play with my phone. it's not my house, not my decorating, not my boyfriend, if i wanted to do it, i should do it with no complaints and no expectations to be appreciated. i did expect to be appreciated so i didn't do it because i didn't want to put myself even more in a situation where i feel like he's an unappreciative person/stingy person, and think poorly of him.
> help offered when not asked for is a power play. don't help if you're unwilling to accept that other people are unappreciative of you. helping is not always a bonding activity - it is only when both parties understand that and are interested in bonding.
In any case, it feels like this is not a healthy way of relating either. i'm struggling to find a balance between connecting and isolating, and am not sure exactly how much is a normal, healthy, secure thing to do. I think my interactions with this guy made him very comfortable (because he seemed alot more relaxed than ever, and is texting me too, which never happens), but I don't think it's enough for me to consider him someone of my inner circle, even as a friend.
