Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2019 0:53:02 GMT
Why did I ask if he was attracted to me? I should preface by saying that we were drinking A LOT of whiskey that night. Since we had been back together, we picked right back up on the friendship connection, but I wasn’t feeling the romantic one. He had told me both BUs that he only cared as a friend but then when he returned he told me he really loved me..…so in my mind.....which is it? He had stopped telling me he loved me (not that he said it much to begin with). It was also the week of Thanksgiving and I found out he was driving 3 hours out of town to see his family and hadn’t even mentioned it, nor invited me. He had been preoccupied with work and other life stuff and he hadn’t touched me physically in a month and a half.
So…I asked him if he was attracted to me. He didn’t answer so I asked again about 10 minutes later and he said I was making him feel uncomfortable. So my liquid courage kicked in and I asked why he couldn’t answer the question? I told him we’d been dating almost 3 years.....we were still spending holidays separately, he hadn’t touched me in a month and a half and he’s stopped telling me he loved me…what was I supposed to think? Then I said I couldn’t just “shut up and be happy” (which is what pissed him off and sent him out the door). I know I came at him wrong and I totally understand his defensiveness but I apologized to him via text and asked him to let me know when we could talk. He only said that we had nothing more to talk about.
I don’t think he was looking for a reason to leave again….he even admitted in texts that he thought everything was cool and I just hit him with this…..so his reaction was definitely just an impulse to run. He had even told me the last time he came back that he would never breakup with me again….he was in it to stay (so he just left this time....man of his word I guess!).
It is tough to think that he’s buried his feelings for me. I have an email I read on occasion just to try to bring myself some comfort. He sent it to me about a month after the first BU (that had only been 6 mo prior….how much can feelings really change?). In that email, he rambles on and on about how much he missed and adored me and how he knows I think it was easy for him to walk away but it wasn’t (he had broken up on impulse that time as well). He goes on to tell me how lucky he was to have someone who looked past all his faults and baggage and stood by his side. He said he wished he could be all of the things I needed and he felt like he lost his best friend. He apologized for being so numb and rambled on about how beautiful and smart and funny and etc I was. He came back two days after he sent that email.
I totally get what you are saying that he might have buried his feelings, but I also thought that back then and he proved otherwise. So IDK what he’s thinking now and I just wish I knew it was the same as he felt then. I do know that you are right about me having to look at it differently as us just not being right for each other. It’s just hard because it FELT so right….more so than anyone else I’ve ever dated.
If this is of help, i choose to see the relationship as what i need to see my own dysfunction, so that i can be better as i know i can be and that i want to be. it MUST be real. there must have been something there - if there wasn't, there wouldn't be all these weird things going on - it's weird and confusing because people can't deal with their own emotions and so act wonky. that's all there is to it. the feels are there, but the skills are not.
