Post by happyidiot on Jan 18, 2019 19:28:21 GMT
I will preface this by saying sorry if it's blunt, I know writing doesn't convey tone so imagine a soft kind tone. Just trying to offer a different perspective, not trying to harshly criticize you.
I don't think he's ignoring your boundary. Now he has agreed to do what you want and tell a therapist and you are still mad because...? Because he is acting resentful about being made to do that?
I'm not sure if this even is exactly a boundary, as I don't really think telling someone they have to talk to a therapist about something specific fits the definition of a personal boundary. Furthermore, healthy boundaries are not rigid.
Think about what the word boundary means, it's a dividing line between you. A personal boundary is a limit outlining reasonable and safe ways for other people to behave towards you and how you will respond when someone passes those limits. So to me, the boundary here was that he can't just act weird and tell you he is having thoughts that he doesn't like and doesn't want to talk about, and that your response when that happens is to request he go to therapy.
He DID go to therapy, whether he told the therapist those specific thoughts or not, and he feels fine now and is no longer acting weird and telling you he is having thoughts that he doesn't like and doesn't want to talk about. So personally I don't see him as ignoring your boundary, more that he did not respond to your request in the exact way you wanted. But is he still really violating the boundary? People can't always respond to problems in the exact ways we want, I think it's good to give them some room to respond in their own ways, as long as they are making an effort and being respectful.
Check out these descriptions of rigid versus porous versus healthy boundaries. Associate any particular attachment type with each?
www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout.pdf
It may be that he is now beyond something that wasn't even that serious and was very temporary. I would be mad (among other feelings) if my partner did not think I was "qualified" to decide if something I thought was "an issue" for me. That feels infantilizing and judgmental and I would also perceive it as implying that therapy (and therapy in the specific way you suggest–he did go to therapy) is the only right way. I'm not sure if you came out and said that to him, but the fact that you think that he is not qualified to decide if his own thoughts are an issue for him strikes me as something you might want to examine. Who is qualified? Only a therapist? Seems very disempowering. On the other hand, I know how it feels to feel concerned that my partner may be ignoring or burying their issues and to be tempted to push them to do things that I have personally found helpful. And I understand what it's like to be told that they are having some thoughts they won't share. My mind runs wild wondering what sort of terrible dark thing it can be. And why they told me at all if they weren't going to tell me what it was.
I like how you asked him to tell you what he is doing for his mental health, if he's not going to keep going to therapy. That shows flexibility, while still demonstrating you expect something more than him simply saying he's fine now.
What are some ways you could try to find empathy for him?
I don't think he's ignoring your boundary. Now he has agreed to do what you want and tell a therapist and you are still mad because...? Because he is acting resentful about being made to do that?
I'm not sure if this even is exactly a boundary, as I don't really think telling someone they have to talk to a therapist about something specific fits the definition of a personal boundary. Furthermore, healthy boundaries are not rigid.
Think about what the word boundary means, it's a dividing line between you. A personal boundary is a limit outlining reasonable and safe ways for other people to behave towards you and how you will respond when someone passes those limits. So to me, the boundary here was that he can't just act weird and tell you he is having thoughts that he doesn't like and doesn't want to talk about, and that your response when that happens is to request he go to therapy.
He DID go to therapy, whether he told the therapist those specific thoughts or not, and he feels fine now and is no longer acting weird and telling you he is having thoughts that he doesn't like and doesn't want to talk about. So personally I don't see him as ignoring your boundary, more that he did not respond to your request in the exact way you wanted. But is he still really violating the boundary? People can't always respond to problems in the exact ways we want, I think it's good to give them some room to respond in their own ways, as long as they are making an effort and being respectful.
Check out these descriptions of rigid versus porous versus healthy boundaries. Associate any particular attachment type with each?
www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout.pdf
It may be that he is now beyond something that wasn't even that serious and was very temporary. I would be mad (among other feelings) if my partner did not think I was "qualified" to decide if something I thought was "an issue" for me. That feels infantilizing and judgmental and I would also perceive it as implying that therapy (and therapy in the specific way you suggest–he did go to therapy) is the only right way. I'm not sure if you came out and said that to him, but the fact that you think that he is not qualified to decide if his own thoughts are an issue for him strikes me as something you might want to examine. Who is qualified? Only a therapist? Seems very disempowering. On the other hand, I know how it feels to feel concerned that my partner may be ignoring or burying their issues and to be tempted to push them to do things that I have personally found helpful. And I understand what it's like to be told that they are having some thoughts they won't share. My mind runs wild wondering what sort of terrible dark thing it can be. And why they told me at all if they weren't going to tell me what it was.
I like how you asked him to tell you what he is doing for his mental health, if he's not going to keep going to therapy. That shows flexibility, while still demonstrating you expect something more than him simply saying he's fine now.
What are some ways you could try to find empathy for him?
