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Post by nottheonion on Jan 19, 2019 17:53:56 GMT
I’m seeing this guy for more than a month. Everything seems to be going well and sweet. I kind of told myself to not treat this seriously and just enjoy it. I have no intention to make it serious even though deep down I do wanna see where it is going.
Today I was just waiting for him to pack up and come meet up with me. Then I was sat in my room and started to cry a little because I felt that I just couldn’t do this. I felt that I’ve been trying so hard over the last few weeks to do what I think people would do in a secure relationship. I opened up a bit more. I learned to take it slow. I learned to be myself and have fun. I even took a pic of us together which I never never used to offer until they do because I always felt insecure about initiating this kind of things.
I all of a sudden have this rush of feeling that maybe I should stop seeing him. I dunno why. I have this feeling that he will just disappear one day. I should just withdraw before he does.
What do you do when you feel like withdrawing for no reason?
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 20, 2019 0:47:46 GMT
Instead of thinking I need to act on that feeling, or try to shove it down somewhere by force, I just look at it with gentle curiosity and the understanding that it will pass. I might get some exercise, or have a sleep, or have a bath, or meditate.
And I try to become ok with the idea that he might disappear someday. I try to remember I will be ok if that happens. I try to be more open and communicate better.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 20, 2019 2:56:54 GMT
I’m seeing this guy for more than a month. Everything seems to be going well and sweet. I kind of told myself to not treat this seriously and just enjoy it. I have no intention to make it serious even though deep down I do wanna see where it is going. Today I was just waiting for him to pack up and come meet up with me. Then I was sat in my room and started to cry a little because I felt that I just couldn’t do this. I felt that I’ve been trying so hard over the last few weeks to do what I think people would do in a secure relationship. I opened up a bit more. I learned to take it slow. I learned to be myself and have fun. I even took a pic of us together which I never never used to offer until they do because I always felt insecure about initiating this kind of things. I all of a sudden have this rush of feeling that maybe I should stop seeing him. I dunno why. I have this feeling that he will just disappear one day. I should just withdraw before he does. What do you do when you feel like withdrawing for no reason?
An FA friend of mine just had this very same thing happen asked me what to do (it wasn't about a relationship, but it was similar, wanting to withdraw from people she cares about). We talked about how her recognizing the feelings and stopping herself to explore them was great progress. I made a couple suggestions about what it could be underneath, she came up with something else more specific that sounded self-aware and accurate, and as she continued to talk to me about it she mentioned something else that scared her about the situation that she hadn't made the connection with before. We talked about how her feelings are valid and they aren't there for no reason -- but they are there because of unrelated experiences that she's projecting. So instead of withdrawing, she could try to sit with those feelings, like happyidiot said, be curious about them, try to figure out where they were really coming from and about what the worst-case scenario really would be if her fears came true... because usually when someone starts going into an anxiety-hole, they catastrophize. But if they actually think through the worst thing that could happen, it isn't really that bad, you'll still survive it.
It's great you recognize that your deactivation has nothing to do with the guy. I would also add that we're talking over in the AP support board about how "faking" secure, without doing the concurrent healing, can actually result in bottling up your emotions until they explode (or maybe in your case, implode). So it doesn't sound like anything you're going through is unusual for an insecure, and starting with acceptance of yourself and curiosity may help calm your nervous system somewhat.
Also, have you ever tried CBT therapy? I've been told that, specifically for situations that seem catastrophic but are actually being magnified by anxiety or attachment issues, it's really helpful.
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Post by chipper on Jan 20, 2019 4:15:02 GMT
I’m seeing this guy for more than a month. Everything seems to be going well and sweet. I kind of told myself to not treat this seriously and just enjoy it. I have no intention to make it serious even though deep down I do wanna see where it is going. Today I was just waiting for him to pack up and come meet up with me. Then I was sat in my room and started to cry a little because I felt that I just couldn’t do this. I felt that I’ve been trying so hard over the last few weeks to do what I think people would do in a secure relationship. I opened up a bit more. I learned to take it slow. I learned to be myself and have fun. I even took a pic of us together which I never never used to offer until they do because I always felt insecure about initiating this kind of things. I all of a sudden have this rush of feeling that maybe I should stop seeing him. I dunno why. I have this feeling that he will just disappear one day. I should just withdraw before he does. What does o you do when you feel like withdrawing for no reason? First, I’m glad things are going well for you! It sounds like you’re growing more secure, and you’re very aware of your feelings. As a secure, if I have those feelings of thinking someone might leave, I tend to ignore them. I focus on the behaviors of the relationship, and not just my perceptions. If the behavior is positive, and you said it is here, then that’s good. There’s some really great advice above. I find meditation particularly helpful when I need some clarity. |
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 20, 2019 20:27:50 GMT
Instead of thinking I need to act on that feeling, or try to shove it down somewhere by force, I just look at it with gentle curiosity and the understanding that it will pass. I might get some exercise, or have a sleep, or have a bath, or meditate. And I try to become ok with the idea that he might disappear someday. I try to remember I will be ok if that happens. I try to be more open and communicate better. Do you not feel conflicted tho having both these thoughts to withdraw and bail and to think you should just enjoy it nothing bad would happen if he bails? |
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 20, 2019 21:21:34 GMT
alexandra very interesting about faking security. I think there are definitely times where I felt that I’m doing certain things that would make me appear secure. I reckoned fake it till I make it. I think it defo helps tho by constantly telling myself not to get attached too easily, don’t rush into things and just enjoy it as life experience. He told me that I’m kinda different from other girls cos I’m very relaxed, take things slow, I don’t blow up his phones or demand any attention and that I’m a happy person. It makes him feel more relaxed around me and easier for him to enjoy our time together. I feel like I’m getting closer to being secure. I know that I’ll still be fabulous even if this guy decides to disappear on me for whatever reasons. I just occasionally have these panic attacks thinking if I will be able to find love and if I will be able to handle being in a relationship and the commitments that come with it. I dont feel “madly in love” with this guy yet. I just have this content feeling that we enjoy each other company so much but at the same time I know that if he stops talking to me tomorrow, I would still be me.
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 20, 2019 21:26:46 GMT
chipper well done for being a secure! Do you not feel tho, sometimes it’s easy to misinterpret someone’s behaviour and intentions out of our own fears? I find it really hard to ignore my perceptions or differentiate my own perceptions from reality.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 21, 2019 8:42:08 GMT
nottheonion, I'm earned secure from AP, so I can speak to having totally different thought patterns before and after. When you're secure, you can still misattribute people's intentions, and that's going to depend on your EQ and other factors. However, you generally don't do it out of fear or being overly stuck in your own lens, because you have solid boundaries that exist between youself and other people, as well as a solid enough sense of self to have dropped most of the fears that fuel attachment issues (as these are primarily fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment). It may help to remember that feelings / emotions / fears should be listened to, felt, and can help guide us, but they are not truth. They are more indicators that something needs attention. The tricky thing about insecure attachment is your nervous system responses are often at least somewhat disconnected from youself, so it becomes really easy to feel something, fall into your insecure attachment thought patterns you've had your whole life, and mistake where the overwhelming feeling or deactivation is coming from and what it's telling you truly needs to be addressed. That's why insecures often end up in the same type of relationship cycles over and over, being very reactive and getting stuck. The core issues that need to be healed get misinterpreted and projected all over other things... things that are not really the problem, even if they feel like that in the moment. The problem with faking secure is doing so doesn't get at those core issues at all. It's good to stop and recognize when you're stuck in bad patterns and to recondition yourself to change them, but really healing towards secure is more likely going to come with building your self-esteem / identify / self- acceptance / trust in youself. Then more secure behaviors will eventually follow naturally, as your most insecure behaviors stand out to you and stop making sense to continue.
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Post by mrob on Jan 21, 2019 13:39:18 GMT
Do this. Talk about it. As they say, tell and get well.
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Post by chipper on Jan 21, 2019 23:01:20 GMT
chipper well done for being a secure! Do you not feel tho, sometimes it’s easy to misinterpret someone’s behaviour and intentions out of our own fears? I find it really hard to ignore my perceptions or differentiate my own perceptions from reality. Oh yeah, much easier said than done.  But, it's also easy to see a behavior, recognize I'm putting my perceptions on it, and just stop and ask the person. |
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 22, 2019 19:05:35 GMT
alexandra mrob @chiper is it fake security if I now feel more secure about dating someone because I know life will still be amazing if they disappear on me? So now I know if we don’t text a day or two (he’s not a big texted and neither am I), we will still feel as connected as ever once we meet up? At the same time I know there’re plenty of fish in the pond if he leaves. I defo still have fear of abandonment issues tho they are slowly getting better over the years. I do tend to stress over things that I have no control over, in life or in dating.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 23, 2019 1:10:48 GMT
When I'm really feeling like withdrawing, these day I do one of two things:
1. I consciously make the choice to do the opposite of withdrawing via more of a connecting gesture (ex: emailing or calling or visiting the person, giving them something, etc. There may be a more specific action depending on the circumstance).
2. Or the opposite-- I face the situation for what it is, recognize the ways it has to do with attachment, and accept that I have made the choice to withdraw. This seems different to me than earlier withdrawals, because I can be at peace with it rather than filled with all the "what ifs" or constantly changing array of (mis)interpretations and barrage of hopes and desires and fears. There's still withdrawal, but a peaceful one.
In your case, I hope you can reach out because it sounds like the relationship is going well and you just got blocked by fears and insecurities. But we are ready for what we're ready for and that's okay.
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