The "phantom" ex

Abolish - of course you have a right to feel whatever you're feeling - there's a real danger in relationships with these kind of people of stuffing down your emotions and pretending even to yourself that you don't feel that way. There are a million things (generally) that come with a DA partner that would trigger insecurity even in the most secure - infact I suspect the most secure would probably leave way before... Listen to your intuition - and as always this is about your partner, not a reflection of your own worth.

Being in a relationship is putting you out there in a vulnerable position and it's not only fine to feel uneasy - it's important to listen to that feeling. I have certainly been guilty of being in denial about this in the past and it's led down a road that's been none too pretty. Of course it is important also to look objectively at your reaction and see if any of your past is at play here - and whether it is or not, find a way to process the feelings so they are acknowledged rather than hidden in the dark recesses of your mind.

I suspect that someone who is secure wouldn't tolerate a relationship with a partner who made them feel "less than" - it's all very well knowing why the DA behaves as they do and having compassion etc - but this isn't an excuse to desert yourself and your needs which are just as important as theirs.

My partner's ex isn't phantom at all but someone he calls his best friend. When we first met, he went out for meals and drinks with her in the evening. I told him that I was uncomfortable with this and now he blames me for constraining him and for ruining his friendship with her. I compromised and said that i would accept him meeting her for lunch on a trial basis. If I phone him during the week in the evening, he attacks me for making him feel isolated as she was a close friend and he wants to meet up with her when he feels like it. This causes issues between us. He doesn't seem to take my feelings into account and accuses me of being over sensitive and anxious. Any tips as to how to deal with this?

With all due respect and knowing you are trying to protect others on this forum, I don't think telling people to leave a relationship is helpful. We all leave when we are ready and if we leave too soon or because someone else tells us we should, it won't be complete. People told me to leave in the Spring. I wasn't ready until last month. 

I think this depends on why you don't want him to spend time with her. Is there something about their particular dynamic that is worrisome, or merely the fact he is good friends with a woman? A man should be able to have good woman friends without his girlfriend necessarily feeling insecure about it, IMO. However, if there is something in their particular dynamic that crosses the line then that could be a valid thing to be concerned about.

Commenting about an FA here (who I think is a DA depending on the person, but he is FA with me)

Yes, quite a few phantom exes. One is a married woman who had an affair with him but won't leave her husband. He refers to her so fondly and calls her "the love of his life". Of course, I know now that if she actually left her husband he'd change his tone quickly. It's only because she's unavailable that he's able to think of her so lovingly.

Another, an ex of 7 years that he cheated on multiple times. He claims he loved her but blames her manic depression and dependent nature for the reason he walked away from her(he financially supported her and her business endeavors). Whenever we would inch closer, he'd randomly reopen that wound and say he's not ready, he's still hurt, blah blah blah.

A girl he saw on-and-off for sex for 2 years. When we met, he told me she was a booty call. When we got closer, he suddenly claimed she was a love interest. Then she was his girlfriend. Then, she dumped him and he called her his ex-fiance. THIS WAS ALL WITHIN A MONTH. He still pulls out the "ex-fiance" card sometimes. I doubt she even had a clue he really liked her!

I have a feeling I'm his next phantom ex only because I put my foot down and ended it on my terms. And I got to a point where I was very direct with him. No babying, no hand holding, no coddling, no protecting his feelings. I quite literally told him he would die alone if he didn't get help. For most of our interactions I was anxious-preoccupied but the way I grabbed my dignity and ended it on my terms I really think hurt him. But hey, tough love.

Honestly, I bet we've all been the phantom-ex at one point or another. Think of all the times they cried to you about someone else. They're crying to someone else about us.

I wonder if they really believe these phantom exes are *so great* or if they are aware they are just convenient distancing tactics?

Regarding the "phantom ex"

I have recently ended a relationship with a DA, but in the beginning we were great together. He  (CB)was extremely successful, and we enjoyed each others company.

He did mention an ex girlfriend of 8 yrs that although she had ended their relationship 2 years prior, they had remained friends and did some travel and skiing together since their breakup, but that she hadn't even been in contact for over 8 months.  Thus, I figured the issue was of no consequence.  However,  a few months later, this ex (DC)  found out that CB was dating again and started calling.

I felt I entered this relationship with CB as a secure person,  and was able to calmly warn CB that now that DC knew he "wasn't sitting on the shelf" where she had put him, that she would now begin a campaign of trying to get him back. Sure enough, this woman started calling all the time with requests to see just him, fix her car, go bike riding, etc.  It became clear very quickly that their relationship was not a true friendship but a codependent mess.  In short... she had been the more avoidant person in their relationship,  had a public career, very successful, and this made CB feel good about himself if someone that "famous" cared about him. So although while together, she was dismissive and abusive towards him, he still idolized her.  This may have been the catalyst to her withdrawing and spending more time away and ending the sexual part of their relationship.  This came right at the time CB and I were at a point to move our relationship forward.  I had already noticed some avoidant traits in CB, issues with intimacy, verbalizing feelings, shutting down when asked about his feelings, etc,  this escalated when she arrived on the scene. Hewould not commit to progress, would claim work needed him more, ignored his adult children's requests for attention saying he didn't have time.... yet he was secretly finding all kinds of time for her. 
She would wax and wane with him.  I started to recognize the signs that when we would have a very romantic vacation, it would be followed by his withdrawing after, picking little fights about what groceries I bought or saying something a touch mean about something I said.  He was in almost daily contact with her, would leave work to go be with her, etc.    He was obsessed with her, and it provided the distance he "needed" from our relationship progressing.  It felt worse than being cheated on.
We are no longer together, and I imagine that once DC realizes she "won", and he is "hers" again, she will begin to distance herself from him again, and then he will reach out to me (he's already asked that we remain friends).  I will not reciprocate. I have learned a lot about avoidant behavior and my being susceptible to anxiousness when trust is betrayed and I will not venture down that road again.

In hindsight, the thing that threw us into turmoil was me expecting to see him twice a week. He could not handle that at all. He began to nitpick more, and became more vacant when we were together, and then I (silly me) started to push for a commitment of sorts, which he wormed out of, then I dumped him, and told him it was because he spoke about his ex in idealised terms and that there was no progression and he then said, I don't love you. It was yuck. But I think I see where it started to go wrong - when real expectations came up for a relationship in the flesh rather than through the phone. I don't believe that he didn't feel anything for me, it doesn't reflect my reality of the relationship... but then he called me a "sexy little friend" once. Oh man. There was always a phantom issue in the way of progression/commitment. I have no idea, I get confused thinking about it all. He let me meet his friends and family, but introduced me as my name, never giving any context to anyone about who I was, but that it was sort of implied. One friend asked, "who is this then?" and he just said my name, and then clarified again, just my name. He could never define us as more. It makes me wonder how the heck that girl got into girlfriend zone in the first place - he's nearly 30 and has never had what he considers another real girlfriend