The "phantom" ex

Interesting trixie5179, also long-distance (at least part of the time) with the phantom ex I have come to know about, as well.

This is very interesting to read.

Not to be cocky, but I suspect that if my Ex is ever going to have a Phantom Ex, it's likely to be me.

First of all, there's the long-distance element, which seems to be a common denominator noted by Trixie and Talesofattachment:

In the relationship with the DA that just ended, 2.5 of the 3.5 years was long distance. We saw each other only on alternating weekends, and yet he said he was "very happy" during that first 2.5 years. He volunteered to move closer to focus on the relationship, which of course is when I was expecting more time together, more intimacy, etc. None of which he could provide, of course. During our break-up chat he said that he thought the relationship started to go downhill in the past year, from the moment he moved.

Next, the idealization: Even just as we were breaking up (rather mutually), he said that I'm "the One" and that in future he will be "settling" with someone else. He also said often that he was "dating up" with me and that I'm the most attractive, fittest, most accomplished woman he's ever dated -- but of course the pool of contestants is very VERY limited there, because in his 40 eligible years of dating (he's almost 60) he's had only two longer relationships and a handful of brief dating scenarios of 2 or 3 months. So any distinction is relative, since he's had such a remarkably low number of prior partners.

The constant theme toward the end of our relationship was how I had high expectations that he could not meet. (Which incidentally is not true, as any one who dates an Avoidant knows, you have to lighten your list of needs/wants quite considerably just to get past the initial dating phase). I think these apparent expectations of mine will transmute into the "issues" that TalesOfAttachment says will be proffered as the reason the ideal fantasy union never materialized.

Finally, somehow since the breakup he's painted our (again, I emphasize, mutual) parting of ways as my huge rejection of him. Some information has come to my attention inadvertently that makes me believe this.

So let's see the tally:

Long-distance? check!
Relationship Lacked true intimacy? (obviously) check!
Idealization? check!
"Issues" as an apparent obstacle? check!
Sense of rejection to ruminate over? check!

Looks like everything is accounted for. I intend to stick to NC so will never find out how it all plays out with his future partners, but I feel like this will be an added impediment to his being able to develop relationships, which is already so sadly limited/non-existent for him in the first place.

If a "Phantom Ex" is an idealized, past partner that secretly serves to block the Dismissive Avoidant's ability to form an initimate attachment with anew partner, I don't think my Ex has one.

But I realize he did have a whole host of other "Phantom" impediments to our relationship: Phantom job responsibilities, phantom responsibilities to a pet, to friends and family, and to random strangers sometimes. Phantom sports teams, a Phantom hobby, Phantom insecurities around spending time together.

Pretty much a whole host baffling and made-up reasons not to progress the relationship anywhere. Which (now that I understand it) is fine.... just highly frustrating that the time.

Oh, talesofattachment, yes, you described my last relationship to a T. I recently realized that my last FA partner's phantom ex was on the dismissive side. She broke up with him, out of the blue, saying something about how she was only with him because she was depressed. This was three years prior to us dating, and he still felt "crippled," as he said, by their relationship as he was going into ours. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this until 5 months in, and I was shocked because he had always said that they were never emotionally intimate, that it always irked him, that she hadn't made much time for him, and that he had been angry about her admission that she hadn't been attracted to him for 6 of the 16 months they were dating. I don't know why it took me so long to put the pieces together, but yeah, exactly as you said: I think he very much held a flame for her because of her avoidant, just-out-of-reach status, and probably couldn't let go of it because he refused to admit or believe that she wasn't torn up about their relationship ending. He was obsessed with her telling him the "real" reason they broke up. He never believed she broke up with him for the reasons she stated, and it was enough for him to begin making her an issue in our relationship even though she was more than long-gone.


Meanwhile, I'm in his position now, and don't want to believe that he's over us, and I'm not... he just doesn't get that it's his FA-ness that's keeping us from being happy together, and that if he only understand attachment theory, we'd be together;-).

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