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Post by stayhappy on Jan 20, 2019 11:31:59 GMT
I feel confortable getting help, asking for help and saying no to get help. I come to think about it because I think my DA guy feel very uncomfortable while getting help. Once he was very sick and offer to help him and he declined. For some days ago he was very sick again and I said “ I wish I could help you a little bit, but I understand if you prefer to be on your own” he answered “I would feel so ashamed to see you cleaning and making food for me. You don’t have to do any for this but it’s so kind!”. I said to him that he helps me in many different ways like for example when I’m stressful with school and he gives me his company and I can feel calm again. He than accept my help and seemed happy to having me there helping him.
How do you feel about getting or giving help? Do your partner feel uncomfortable with getting help?
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 21, 2019 1:06:27 GMT
It's getting easier as I gt older, but when I was younger, it wouldn't even occur to me to ask for help, and I would have felt all sorts of things doing so (it was so important to me back then to do everything for myself).
This can manifest in really unhealthy ways though, like not even going to doctors when one really should go to doctors, or doing dangerous things (like getting heavy furniture up a staircase alone). I look back and feel sad for the younger me who lived like that.
As I've gotten older I've come to see that asking for help IS taking care of yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 1:27:03 GMT
Gosh, i was just having this conversation with a friend of mine. Apparently, everyone thinks and sees me as independent, and that i don't need anyone for anything. i come across as calm, secure, independent, and that I don't really need anyone. it is NOT how i feel deep down inside.
It has been told to me that I don't ask for help until I am backed into a corner and have no other choice. this goes for both tangible e.g., moving things and intangible e.g., emotional stuff. If i could do it myself, I would do it myself. Firstly, out of the unwillingness to bother other people. Secondly, I just don't really think of most of my friendships as something I can tap on for help unless I really need to. I identify as AP based on my most serious and triggering romantic relationships (and this is how I came to this forum), but I've come to see that I'm largely avoidant in general.
Oh, and I was told that people are unaware of my emotional dependence on them. this person considers us as close friends, and I would think so too; he said that he didn't feel i needed him at all in any way.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 21, 2019 1:59:15 GMT
I feel confortable getting help, asking for help and saying no to get help. I come to think about it because I think my DA guy feel very uncomfortable while getting help. Once he was very sick and offer to help him and he declined. For some days ago he was very sick again and I said “ I wish I could help you a little bit, but I understand if you prefer to be on your own” he answered “I would feel so ashamed to see you cleaning and making food for me. You don’t have to do any for this but it’s so kind!”. I said to him that he helps me in many different ways like for example when I’m stressful with school and he gives me his company and I can feel calm again. He than accept my help and seemed happy to having me there helping him. How do you feel about getting or giving help? Do your partner feel uncomfortable with getting help? I’m not surprised by your post. DA’s struggle to ask for help as they’re fiercely independent and self-reliant. I’ve been encouraging my DA to do just that. I find it natural to rely on my partner for help- I feel it comes with the territory in a relationship...to give and receive help. Now asking my parents for help is a real struggle for me as I have DA attachment with them. It meant so incredibly much for to my DA that I was willing to be there for him when he was sick after Christmas. He has no expectation of anyone recognizing or meeting his needs. It strikes me as very sad to think how this likely originated in his childhood. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 23, 2019 0:58:09 GMT
Gosh, i was just having this conversation with a friend of mine. Apparently, everyone thinks and sees me as independent, and that i don't need anyone for anything. i come across as calm, secure, independent, and that I don't really need anyone. it is NOT how i feel deep down inside. It has been told to me that I don't ask for help until I am backed into a corner and have no other choice. this goes for both tangible e.g., moving things and intangible e.g., emotional stuff. If i could do it myself, I would do it myself. Firstly, out of the unwillingness to bother other people. Secondly, I just don't really think of most of my friendships as something I can tap on for help unless I really need to. I identify as AP based on my most serious and triggering romantic relationships (and this is how I came to this forum), but I've come to see that I'm largely avoidant in general. Oh, and I was told that people are unaware of my emotional dependence on them. this person considers us as close friends, and I would think so too; he said that he didn't feel i needed him at all in any way.
:-o It's like we're the same person.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2019 1:04:04 GMT
Gosh, i was just having this conversation with a friend of mine. Apparently, everyone thinks and sees me as independent, and that i don't need anyone for anything. i come across as calm, secure, independent, and that I don't really need anyone. it is NOT how i feel deep down inside. It has been told to me that I don't ask for help until I am backed into a corner and have no other choice. this goes for both tangible e.g., moving things and intangible e.g., emotional stuff. If i could do it myself, I would do it myself. Firstly, out of the unwillingness to bother other people. Secondly, I just don't really think of most of my friendships as something I can tap on for help unless I really need to. I identify as AP based on my most serious and triggering romantic relationships (and this is how I came to this forum), but I've come to see that I'm largely avoidant in general. Oh, and I was told that people are unaware of my emotional dependence on them. this person considers us as close friends, and I would think so too; he said that he didn't feel i needed him at all in any way.
:-o It's like we're the same person.
you identify as FA? i can't really keep track anymore! but yea... i was saying in the DA thread, honestly, there's alot of common stuff amongst all insecures, but it manifests differently in behaviors. we should see past that and get to the bottom of it. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 23, 2019 1:12:48 GMT
:-o It's like we're the same person.
you identify as FA? i can't really keep track anymore! but yea... i was saying in the DA thread, honestly, there's alot of common stuff amongst all insecures, but it manifests differently in behaviors. we should see past that and get to the bottom of it.
Oh I don't know. My prevailing emotional focus is more on people with whom I'm AP, but I also have a history of being DA in other relationships. So am I FA? Who knoooooows. I can't figure it out anymore. But I could totally relate to your post, if not now, than in the relatively recent past.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2019 1:25:24 GMT
you identify as FA? i can't really keep track anymore! but yea... i was saying in the DA thread, honestly, there's alot of common stuff amongst all insecures, but it manifests differently in behaviors. we should see past that and get to the bottom of it.
Oh I don't know. My prevailing emotional focus is more on people with whom I'm AP, but I also have a history of being DA in other relationships. So am I FA? Who knoooooows. I can't figure it out anymore. But I could totally relate to your post, if not now, than in the relatively recent past.
haha yea i had the same confusion about being FA/DA/AP. my conclusion is it doesn't matter at all. i'm just some shade of insecure, so just work on that. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 23, 2019 3:50:02 GMT
Oh I don't know. My prevailing emotional focus is more on people with whom I'm AP, but I also have a history of being DA in other relationships. So am I FA? Who knoooooows. I can't figure it out anymore. But I could totally relate to your post, if not now, than in the relatively recent past.
haha yea i had the same confusion about being FA/DA/AP. my conclusion is it doesn't matter at all. i'm just some shade of insecure, so just work on that. I’m so clearly AP in romantic relationships, DA w my parents and secure in friendships. Classic symptoms. Easy for me to see and I score highly for each category. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 23, 2019 3:51:17 GMT
you identify as FA? i can't really keep track anymore! but yea... i was saying in the DA thread, honestly, there's alot of common stuff amongst all insecures, but it manifests differently in behaviors. we should see past that and get to the bottom of it.
Oh I don't know. My prevailing emotional focus is more on people with whom I'm AP, but I also have a history of being DA in other relationships. So am I FA? Who knoooooows. I can't figure it out anymore. But I could totally relate to your post, if not now, than in the relatively recent past.
We can fluctuate w different partners and situations but usually have a prevailing or “default” style. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 23, 2019 8:51:59 GMT
Oh I don't know. My prevailing emotional focus is more on people with whom I'm AP, but I also have a history of being DA in other relationships. So am I FA? Who knoooooows. I can't figure it out anymore. But I could totally relate to your post, if not now, than in the relatively recent past.
We can fluctuate w different partners and situations but usually have a prevailing or “default” style. Yup. Im secure in romantic/friendships, more avoidant with family/AP types and obviously turned anxious with my avoidant. |
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