Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 3:13:21 GMT
i've been seeing other people since the breakup, with a conscious effort to pick people i'm able to speak honestly and authentically with, without trying to impress or connect. Through that, i've met several people whom I've developed new types of relationships with. Last night during a conversation, i realised this:
there are 4 types of connections, or a connection can be on 4 diferrent levels, a relationship can have:
1. intellectual - seeing how their mind works, appreciating it, and also being able to engage in it
2. emotional - being able to feel, understand, appreciate, hold space for each others' emotions
3. physical - the chemistry is there, the sex is great, the kissing is amazing
4. soul - the feeling of being seen and understood that goes much deeper than this life/body/relationship. there's a sense of knowing this person for a long time that extends beyond this physical being
The key thing for all 4 connection is the seeing and appreciating of each other AS IS - no need to change the other, or yourself, or adjust in order to keep the peace. The one thing I find most difficult in insecure attachments (either with a DA and or with another AP), is in the emotional connection. That's usually the missing piece. The relationship is often intense because on all three other levels there's strong connection that is without doubt present. but the missing emotional connection (or that it keeps coming and going) makes the entire relationship quite unsustainable. this is particularly so when the other connections are super strong, and in contrast, the missing emotional connection is made even starker. in other less intense relationships, all connections might be present but of a lower grade/intensity. those are stable, albeit not particularly exciting.
are there any other levels/types that I'm missing out? going forward, I hope to find something that is high on all 4!
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 21, 2019 5:27:53 GMT
i've been seeing other people since the breakup, with a conscious effort to pick people i'm able to speak honestly and authentically with, without trying to impress or connect. Through that, i've met several people whom I've developed new types of relationships with. Last night during a conversation, i realised this: there are 4 types of connections, or a connection can be on 4 diferrent levels, a relationship can have: 1. intellectual - seeing how their mind works, appreciating it, and also being able to engage in it 2. emotional - being able to feel, understand, appreciate, hold space for each others' emotions 3. physical - the chemistry is there, the sex is great, the kissing is amazing 4. soul - the feeling of being seen and understood that goes much deeper than this life/body/relationship. there's a sense of knowing this person for a long time that extends beyond this physical being The key thing for all 4 connection is the seeing and appreciating of each other AS IS - no need to change the other, or yourself, or adjust in order to keep the peace. The one thing I find most difficult in insecure attachments (either with a DA and or with another AP), is in the emotional connection. That's usually the missing piece. The relationship is often intense because on all three other levels there's strong connection that is without doubt present. but the missing emotional connection (or that it keeps coming and going) makes the entire relationship quite unsustainable. this is particularly so when the other connections are super strong, and in contrast, the missing emotional connection is made even starker. in other less intense relationships, all connections might be present but of a lower grade/intensity. those are stable, albeit not particularly exciting. are there any other levels/types that I'm missing out? going forward, I hope to find something that is high on all 4! I’d say there could also be a spiritual connection... |
|
|
|
Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 21, 2019 15:27:18 GMT
That really makes a lot of sense. In looking at my recent ex and my relationship, I would say that yes...there was an unusually intense connection intellectually, physically and soulfully but the emotional was very much imbalanced. Probably the biggest roadblock to my healing from this breakup has been the feeling that I’ll never find another connection as intense as the one I felt with him. But part of my own self-healing has been assuring myself that yes, I may not find a connection as intense in certain areas, but I’ll find a more balanced connection. I guess to my AP self that just sounds so bleak. I try to remind myself that with a proper balance it won’t be.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 21, 2019 17:39:23 GMT
That really makes a lot of sense. In looking at my recent ex and my relationship, I would say that yes...there was an unusually intense connection intellectually, physically and soulfully but the emotional was very much imbalanced. Probably the biggest roadblock to my healing from this breakup has been the feeling that I’ll never find another connection as intense as the one I felt with him. But part of my own self-healing has been assuring myself that yes, I may not find a connection as intense in certain areas, but I’ll find a more balanced connection. I guess to my AP self that just sounds so bleak. I try to remind myself that with a proper balance it won’t be. However without the emotional connection, I feel very much disconnected from my partner. Even if physical is awesome. As an AP I very much want that feeling of closeness and connection more than anything. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 23:16:18 GMT
I am sort of seeing someone whom I have a high level of emotional and physical connection, but there's not much in terms of intellectual and soul connection. it's the exact opposite of what i had with my ex. i don't know quite what to make of it, but it's been.... nice to have someone appreciate me in the present and hold space for me while I emote and process, and actually not shy away from physical contact. when we are together and talking, there's space for each other as well as a shared space where we are receiving and understanding each other's emotional energy.that's great and really good for me, but there's no sparks and intense chemistry in a romantic relationship kind of way. weird. faithopelove i'm starting to feel like there's is no intense emotional connection that you can get from anybody else the way APs want it to be. Even with secures, the connection is never as deep as an AP desire. and I no longer have that desire for that super deep connection and do not seek it out from others actively - not sure if it's part of healing or just being avoidant. but what i do want is that deep connection with myself, and that is a necessity. it doesn't really matter any more if a deep emotional connection is present in my relationships with other people - all relationships are good, and that they come in different forms. I used to pursue relationships (inc friendships) with people i feel this deep connection and think that the presence of this deep connection is indicative of worthy relationships to have. i now appreciate it if there is that deep connection, but it is no longer a driving force in determining my motivation in keeping the relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 22, 2019 1:16:55 GMT
I am sort of seeing someone whom I have a high level of emotional and physical connection, but there's not much in terms of intellectual and soul connection. it's the exact opposite of what i had with my ex. i don't know quite what to make of it, but it's been.... nice to have someone appreciate me in the present and hold space for me while I emote and process, and actually not shy away from physical contact. when we are together and talking, there's space for each other as well as a shared space where we are receiving and understanding each other's emotional energy.that's great and really good for me, but there's no sparks and intense chemistry in a romantic relationship kind of way. weird. faithopelove i'm starting to feel like there's is no intense emotional connection that you can get from anybody else the way APs want it to be. Even with secures, the connection is never as deep as an AP desire. and I no longer have that desire for that super deep connection and do not seek it out from others actively - not sure if it's part of healing or just being avoidant. but what i do want is that deep connection with myself, and that is a necessity. it doesn't really matter any more if a deep emotional connection is present in my relationships with other people - all relationships are good, and that they come in different forms. I used to pursue relationships (inc friendships) with people i feel this deep connection and think that the presence of this deep connection is indicative of worthy relationships to have. i now appreciate it if there is that deep connection, but it is no longer a driving force in determining my motivation in keeping the relationship. Maybe I need to look at things from that perspective - not expect such a deep connection with one person. It does go along with not expecting a partner to meet all your needs....perhaps AP just expect too much in general from a partner and in doing that, place too much pressure on the partner and the relationship. I’ve definitely done that. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Jan 23, 2019 0:53:06 GMT
Interesting theory... In my experience, based on your definitions...
Intellectual and Spiritual connections are the easiest to find and have, and the best and most pure and graspable aspects of love. Emotional-- can be harder if your relationship is affected by attachment styles because you can get caught in taking the other person's feelings personally if you think they might be indicative of the person not loving you. This makes it hard to "hold space" even though you might care a LOT about the other person's emotional wellbeing. Physical-- well, it's always been hard for me to connect with anyone physically but I don't know if that is about attachment style or something else. I think it's partly because I tend to desire people who I have attachment clashes with, so we don't make it to physical. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Jan 23, 2019 0:56:04 GMT
. . . I used to pursue relationships (inc friendships) with people i feel this deep connection and think that the presence of this deep connection is indicative of worthy relationships to have. i now appreciate it if there is that deep connection, but it is no longer a driving force in determining my motivation in keeping the relationship.
Oh can I can relate to that .... . I think it is a common AP thing to think that deep connection = fated/beloved/soulmate/meant-to-be/whatever.
It's not a thing I seek anymore, though is that wisdom, or security, or just giving up... not sure.
|
|
