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Post by nottheonion on Jan 24, 2019 17:52:32 GMT
I ended up telling him indirectly to not speak to each other until he’s back from his business trip (which is in about two weeks). I feel so much better immediately. I absolutely hated and felt incredibly stressed about how much I like him and want this to work. I thought I was doing ok. I wasn’t.
I also ended up messaging my ex again to hang out. It’s what feels comfortable and “safe” to me now. I no longer have feelings for him so he can’t hurt me.
What is wrong with me?
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Post by happyidiot on Jan 24, 2019 18:13:41 GMT
Hey that's better than freaking out and saying you don't want to see him anymore or trying to start a fight or something. Asking for a break from messaging for a specific amount of time is still progress compared to just ghosting or breaking up hastily.
What's "wrong" with you is just that you were given an FA attachment style and that having this insight doesn't mean you can just fix it overnight. I have this same problem, but I've made leaps and bounds in my progress so far and am becoming much better at recognizing when I feel like deactivating, and it's only going to get better. I don't remember the story about your ex, but maybe you can look into your motivations for contacting him and whether that is actually serving you?
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 24, 2019 18:52:23 GMT
happyidiot that’s interesting. I thought asking for a break and then returning is the same as the standard push and pull behaviour? But you’re right, the old me would just leave the situation completely. Progress I guess 
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Post by mrob on Jan 25, 2019 0:01:13 GMT
The wonderful world of FAdom. I’d say it is push pull behaviour, but the progress is that you didn’t just disappear.
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 25, 2019 21:15:27 GMT
The wonderful world of FAdom. I’d say it is push pull behaviour, but the progress is that you didn’t just disappear. I’ve actjally never just disappeared completely. I would mentally check out and withdraw a bit. I’d still be devastated when it ends. I feel different this time. He’s not replied since I sent “talk when you come back! Enjoy”. And that was a day ago. The old me would get all kinds of anxious. Now I feel strangely relaxed. I don’t know what to feel tbh. All I know is this is probs the end for us. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 25, 2019 22:38:22 GMT
The wonderful world of FAdom. I’d say it is push pull behaviour, but the progress is that you didn’t just disappear. I’ve actjally never just disappeared completely. I would mentally check out and withdraw a bit. I’d still be devastated when it ends. I feel different this time. He’s not replied since I sent “talk when you come back! Enjoy”. And that was a day ago. The old me would get all kinds of anxious. Now I feel strangely relaxed. I don’t know what to feel tbh. All I know is this is probs the end for us. Why would he reply when you said let's not talk until you get back? Him not replying may show respect of your boundaries, actually. You may feel anxious after a little time passes, and you also may not. Do you feel like you don't know how to react because it's ambiguous whether it's actually over or not? Is it possible that you want to take more time focusing on yourself and your issues before getting involved in something that could turn into a committed relationship? Acting more secure will only get you so far, because this stuff is embedded in your nervous system and usually requires some help to get to the heart of. Acting secure may get you some incremental progress, but it's still not healing you at the deeper level you'd need to explore if you're not happy with how things are going. |
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 25, 2019 23:18:25 GMT
alexandra thank you Alexandra. I didn’t say “let’s not talk until you’re back”. The old me would say this plus “there’s no point texting when you’re away”. I thought saying “hey let’s talk properly when you’re back. Enjoy and see ya” is some kind of progress I was making, even though j said it right after I told him I miss him two hours before. Maybe I was just lying to myself and I was just faking security (to myself). In my head this is over. I dunno why. But it feels over and I’m going through some up and down emotions that you’d normally go through during a breakup. I told myself over and over again there’s nothing bad that would actually happen even if he does turn out to be a bad person for me. I would just get back up and get over it. I all of a sudden got too overwhelmed and scared I really just don’t know why :’( I feel so unworthy of love I’m literally considering sperm donation from maybe one of my friends so I could start a family on my own in the future ...
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Post by alexandra on Jan 25, 2019 23:44:29 GMT
I feel so unworthy of love I’m literally considering sperm donation from maybe one of my friends so I could start a family on my own in the future ... Accepting a sperm donation does not mean you are unworthy of love. It may mean, ideal circumstances didn't present themselves but you won't let that stop you from accomplishing your goal of starting a family. |
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Post by nottheonion on Jan 26, 2019 0:15:13 GMT
I feel so unworthy of love I’m literally considering sperm donation from maybe one of my friends so I could start a family on my own in the future ... Accepting a sperm donation does not mean you are unworthy of love. It may mean, ideal circumstances didn't present themselves but you won't let that stop you from accomplishing your goal of starting a family. Thank you again for your PM, your advice and your encouragement. Made me feel so much better about my situation :’) |
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