chels
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Post by chels on May 25, 2017 15:40:35 GMT
Hi there
I'm a 41 professional female who is a little Anxiously Attached.
I say a little because I have trained myself to not be needy and to be able to give people space. I was married to a Dismissive Avoident for 13. Years.
He was a total workaholic and I just adored him am waited for his little crumbs of affection.
I could go months at a time without seeing him when he was on his work trips, and when he got home if I got even a scrap of intimacy I was over the moon. He dictated everything in the relationship and I was rather childlike. Eventually I came to see how actually starved for connection I was and how my personal growth was being compromised by staying in that situation, so I finally left. I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone and it was very difficult and lonely. I over the next year dated 3 men, all who seemed so into me at first and then ended up dumping me after a few months. The first one was a lot like my ex and was dismissive and distant but the sex was AMAZING and I ended up getting totally hooked on the intermittent reinforcement. Eventually he just ghosted me and did not call or email me for a whole month, with no explanation of what went wrong. The second guy totally love bombed me for a month solid, talking about our future, making grand romantic gestures, but then he started having ED problems in the bedroom. He then started to turn on me and tell me that I was needy....even though I was doing my best to not be. It was confusing and super hurtful. The third guy was a good friend and we slowly got closed and closed. A beautiful intimacy developed between us. He was a great communicator and super sensitive and sensitive and I was very excited because I thought I think I've finally found someone who is secure! We had a lovely time together for about 6 months but then he stared pulling away and displaying avoident tendencies. He just need it with me and told me it's not you it's me.
That was by far the most secure relationship I have ever been in. But still he was avoident to an extent, just a really self aware one, but he was still driven to deactivate and in the end told me that the intimacy that he was so into in the beginning was exhausting him.
I just don't know what to do....... all of these guys seemed so promising and showered me with attention in the beginning. I don't think I've ever been with a secure person. I try so hard to give people space and freedom and not bombard them with neediness.
I try so hard to be open and loving and kind. I'm going to try to not date anyone for a while, but I tell you it's hard when your in a new city, you are not close to your family at all and you don't have many close friends. I feel kind of vunerable to men's attention because I want intimacy and closeness so much.
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chels
New Member
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Post by chels on May 25, 2017 15:45:13 GMT
Sorry lots of typos I was all upset and crying while I wrote this
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Post by Herewegoagain on May 25, 2017 16:56:12 GMT
I would just be careful about labeling every person who doesn't work out as 'avoidant'.
After I learned more about attachment theory I went back and analyzed all of my major 'relationships'...some of the guys had avoidant tendencies, were adverse to commitment or just not really emotionally available but only one was a 'text book' avoidant. Everything I read...the situations varied a bit but the patterns were painfully obvious and eerily similar, often EXACTLY the same.
You're right that as your dating pool gets older less secure types are available. Don't focus on that. I would keep focusing on becoming more secure yourself, developing secure principals, etc.
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Post by howpredictable on May 25, 2017 16:57:46 GMT
Hi Chels,
I don't have any answers for you at the moment (thought I will go and think about it some more). I struggle with the same things and have essentially all my dating life have dated Avoidants of varying severity (including men with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder). So it's not an uncommon problem and often the hard work lies within yourself. I understand your frustration and will chew on that some more and come up with a more fulsome, supportive answer soon.
You are in a welcoming place here and I know the others will step up to give you support as well.
But right now I just want to commend you for so many things. For seeing the harm in your 13-year relationship, and for leaving it. For moving to a new city where you didn't know anybody. For dating new men with conscious attention to the good signs and the bad ones. For trusting the latest, secure-seeming man even though you got burned by Man No. 1 and 2. For being mindful of the apparent patterns and seeking help on how to circumvent them.
You sound like an amazing, determined, self-aware person. You're exactly the type of person who can handle and try to fix this, and -- without even knowing you -- I can tell that you will.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2017 17:56:26 GMT
I agree with everyone above. Your experience is not unique Chels! There are lots of us here to support you, as we experience many of the same encounters. And there are countless more out in the world who have had similarly painful experiences. I'd like to echo howpredictable when she says how brave and awesome you are for recognizing you deserve so much more and making the difficult decision to leave a lonely marriage after 13 years. And start a new life in a new city! It's truly reflective of what a kick-ass, strong and adventurous person you are. You are not "needy." There isn't anything wrong with wanting love, affection, connection, and a partner to support you daily. I think our culture does everyone a disservice to put so much importance on independence. It's an important survival skill, sure, but not the be all and end all and doesn't negate the fact that we need connection and support. There is lots of research that shows that emotional closeness and dependence are valid, biological requirements to help us make it this crazy world. It sounds like you are self-aware and capable of being in a healthy, interdependent relationship! I think I'm learning quickly myself that the best thing you can do when dating is be authentically you. Be secure in your interactions, and don't subscribe to the game playing of modern dating. This will weed out men who are avoidant sooner rather than later. A secure man won't be threatened by you showing interest and wanting to connect. And I would look at granting space for yourself, as opposed to men. Space is about finding time to keep the important things in your life that bring you joy and happiness outside of a relationship. An activity or a hobby that is strictly for you and your relationship with yourself. You might find a more natural rhythm develops in your communications. It won't be as easy to get swept away in love bombing. And you might find yourself to be thinking less about providing space for someone else, as it will just come naturally in the healthy space that you carve for your own well-being. I'm not sure if you're already operating this way in dating, but I know this has been my biggest challenge. I always wait for the guy to take the lead and "woo" me to prove his interest and commitment in the beginning and I think it's brought me the complete opposite of what I've been looking for. Anyway, I know this is all easier said than done. And it's much easier to dole out this advice than actually stick to it myself. But, I appreciate your post as it has also made me feel less alone in this. Keep the faith Chels! Ps. You've only dated 3 men since a traumatic relationship. So many more fish in the sea.  |
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Post by Herewegoagain on May 25, 2017 21:39:20 GMT
@talesofattachment has so much gold here. I believe this is the next step for me, because as a former anxious/preoccupied my solution was to withhold more and just hold back everything, so even though I was a little more secure I was still attracting avoidant and non-available types. I was trying to protect myself by being less vulnerable and open.
Anyway, back to you Chels...as a recovering anxious/avoidant I promise it gets easier as you work towards a more secure attachment style. I'm still single and I know it would be great to find a secure partner and rest my battered little heart beneath their wings (cheesy, haha), but how much better will it be when you finally meet that secure person and you yourself are in a better secure place? Forgive me if I'm a little over-enthusiastic about pushing therapy and self-help, but it's only because it's made such a huge difference for me, who in the past had been driven to the deep levels of depression and even thoughts of suicide over failed relationships.
And like @talesofattachment said, you don't have to change all of those awesome things you have to offer (love, kindness, the ability to expereince the deepest levels of closeness and intimacy)...someone out there will really really appreciate and be grateful for all of that.
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Post by gaynxious on May 25, 2017 22:38:42 GMT
I've had a similar problem. All the guys I have liked seem to be avoidant or at least game players that, and they have every right, are just not willing to give me what I want. I've attracted some anxious guys too but I can't seem to maintain an attraction to them. I was getting serious with a guy that I believe was secure but turned anxious by an avoidant ex and I think I got a glimps into the problems anxious-anxious relationships fall into.
The only thing I can say is to repeat some advice said already, be you authentic self, be up front about your needs and wants. As a biochemist we had a particular saying in my field 'you get what you select for'. If you play games, you attract game players. If you pretend you have no needs, you get guys that want someone with few needs.
Maybe give all guys a chance til you determine if they areavoidant. If he is secure give him a chance to earn your affection even if it doesn't come naturally at first.
I think a lot of secure people may be turned off unconsciously by anxious people. When I was in a relationship and not available I always had guys falling for me. Now that I am looking this doesn't seem to happen.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 5, 2017 0:57:51 GMT
I regards to the person above who said a lot of people aren't classic/textbook avoidants, sure, these thins exist on a spectrum. Most people aren't textbook, they just lean one way or another, and it may change over the course of their lives or be different in different relationships.
I think part of your challenges may be that when people shower you with adoration at the beginning of a relationship you are drawn to that. It may be that a secure person would be less likely to start out that intensely-- that they may act in ways you may interpret as boring or not passionate or something, but that they are really just being secure people. (On the other hand, I think some avoidant people would not act passionate early on either-- it could go either way).
You may be drawn to avoidant people for various reasons. I'd be skeptical of anyone who showers you with attention when thy don't even really know you.
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