Post by lisa on Jan 25, 2019 10:08:51 GMT
I recently had a break up which is breaking my heart. This is long sorry. I am AP, but lean towards secure and was very secure in this till the end issues.
So I met this guy online 2 months ago and within 3 weeks he asked me to be exclusive. Things were going very very well he was arranging dates and we were spending more time together and things were going generally perfectly. Then the holidays happened. We both had a lot of time off. So we started by spending not the whole time together but most of the Christmas and New Year's holidays together. He was making future plans and he met my friends and I met his eldest daughter.
I did have a few concerns, in that he is still very very very angry about his ex wife (divorced 5 years) and refers to her using a terrible term (the C**t) and says she is a narcissist. They have kids together, youngest is 13. He has them 50% of the time.
In addition he is sarcastic, somewhat edgy, quite judgmental, and sometimes negative. But he also has a super super sweet side. I thought this was all manageable.
The weekend before New Year's Eve, we saw each other on Friday for a concert. At that concert I got a little too stoned and was quiet. And then we saw each other again on Sunday for a movie. He was being quite negative/ranty/sarcastic so I was also quiet that day. I kept saying he was in a mood.
New Year's Eve he met my friends. Then we went back to his house for to watch the movies for the evening. Unfortunately something happened. He goes to a lot of concerts (75 last year) and wants to write about it. Kind of like a blog or something, or more on his Instagram. He has not done much. I will admit that That I pushed and gave him advice that he was not asking for. And I know men can feel disrespected if you do that. I was giving him tons of ideas on what he could do. That said, we had been so solid that I did not think that this was something to break up over. Also, he is wealthy (from the divorce settlement) so he does not have to work.
During this conversation he melted down and asked to stop talking about it. He said he was too old, and that it was too late etc. He said it gets him in his head. I stopped, I gave him a hug and said I was really sorry. He brought it up again later and he said that he doesn't like to talk about this because it makes him feel unworthy. I knew that this feeling in men was very very very bad. I apologized again and I said that of course I thought he was worthy and that he should just go after what he wants.
The next morning he brought it up again and he said he hates to talk about this because he ends up feeling like he gets into his head and is beating himself up about what he has not done. I apologized again profusely and said I always wanted to support him in the way that he wants to be supported. In general, I has been very supportive on a few other issues.
We spent New Year's Day together and then he started to pull away.He contacted me much less, and we saw each other on the weekend, several days later. I gave him space and only contacted him once during that 3 day period.
I was heartbroken when I saw him because I could tell that he was not excited to see me. I felt confused and disappointed. I know new relationships have hard conversations but they don't usually end over it. I asked him about the change and he said he was no longer feeling it is strongly. And that he didn't want to feel that way in 6 months. We broke things off, and I did try to push for what exactly happened - I was confused and upset. He gave me nothing, no real reason, just changed feelings. He said it was not the conversation, but I know I triggered a really bad place for him of unworthiness. I did tell him that I had concerns about the negativity and judgement and he said that he had heard that before and it is who he is.
Unfortunately the story does not end there. 5 days later, I did send a text. It said "Now that the dust has settled for a few days, I have had a moment to think and clear my head. To be honest, I still feel very confused about how something that seemed to be going so well (from my perspective) disintegrated so quickly. And I feel terrible for any and all roles I may have played in that. I know that we ended things, and I am ok with that outcome. However, given that we both value communication and reflection, should you ever want to discuss it more, I would be open to that. I am not expecting a responce, but I wanted to open that door should it be helpful. Wishing you the best. "
His response was very cold. He said he had to honor his intuition, no amount of communication would have changed anything, and then he has to go with his gut. I never responded. He is not open to me at all. No niceties or anything.
I know to never reach out to him again and I'm doing everything I can not to look at his social media. But I am still so confused about what happened and why all the sudden all of his feelings went away. I know that I'm probably just affiliated with his feelings of unworthiness, but I blame myself for this. It was like his heart shut down. I know I should have never given advice that I wasn't asked for. But a gave great suggestions and feel totally heartbroken that this is what happened. Also it was a snap in the face because he had really stressed communication while we were dating and in the end he never had even one conversation with me about how we might fix it. It doesn't feel like this should be a dump able offense. New relationships have a bump or two. I had always given him lots of space, support and love.
Can you give me your thoughts on this? Why did he shut down, did I deserve it, why was he so cold and why did he never give me an actual reason?
So I met this guy online 2 months ago and within 3 weeks he asked me to be exclusive. Things were going very very well he was arranging dates and we were spending more time together and things were going generally perfectly. Then the holidays happened. We both had a lot of time off. So we started by spending not the whole time together but most of the Christmas and New Year's holidays together. He was making future plans and he met my friends and I met his eldest daughter.
I did have a few concerns, in that he is still very very very angry about his ex wife (divorced 5 years) and refers to her using a terrible term (the C**t) and says she is a narcissist. They have kids together, youngest is 13. He has them 50% of the time.
In addition he is sarcastic, somewhat edgy, quite judgmental, and sometimes negative. But he also has a super super sweet side. I thought this was all manageable.
The weekend before New Year's Eve, we saw each other on Friday for a concert. At that concert I got a little too stoned and was quiet. And then we saw each other again on Sunday for a movie. He was being quite negative/ranty/sarcastic so I was also quiet that day. I kept saying he was in a mood.
New Year's Eve he met my friends. Then we went back to his house for to watch the movies for the evening. Unfortunately something happened. He goes to a lot of concerts (75 last year) and wants to write about it. Kind of like a blog or something, or more on his Instagram. He has not done much. I will admit that That I pushed and gave him advice that he was not asking for. And I know men can feel disrespected if you do that. I was giving him tons of ideas on what he could do. That said, we had been so solid that I did not think that this was something to break up over. Also, he is wealthy (from the divorce settlement) so he does not have to work.
During this conversation he melted down and asked to stop talking about it. He said he was too old, and that it was too late etc. He said it gets him in his head. I stopped, I gave him a hug and said I was really sorry. He brought it up again later and he said that he doesn't like to talk about this because it makes him feel unworthy. I knew that this feeling in men was very very very bad. I apologized again and I said that of course I thought he was worthy and that he should just go after what he wants.
The next morning he brought it up again and he said he hates to talk about this because he ends up feeling like he gets into his head and is beating himself up about what he has not done. I apologized again profusely and said I always wanted to support him in the way that he wants to be supported. In general, I has been very supportive on a few other issues.
We spent New Year's Day together and then he started to pull away.He contacted me much less, and we saw each other on the weekend, several days later. I gave him space and only contacted him once during that 3 day period.
I was heartbroken when I saw him because I could tell that he was not excited to see me. I felt confused and disappointed. I know new relationships have hard conversations but they don't usually end over it. I asked him about the change and he said he was no longer feeling it is strongly. And that he didn't want to feel that way in 6 months. We broke things off, and I did try to push for what exactly happened - I was confused and upset. He gave me nothing, no real reason, just changed feelings. He said it was not the conversation, but I know I triggered a really bad place for him of unworthiness. I did tell him that I had concerns about the negativity and judgement and he said that he had heard that before and it is who he is.
Unfortunately the story does not end there. 5 days later, I did send a text. It said "Now that the dust has settled for a few days, I have had a moment to think and clear my head. To be honest, I still feel very confused about how something that seemed to be going so well (from my perspective) disintegrated so quickly. And I feel terrible for any and all roles I may have played in that. I know that we ended things, and I am ok with that outcome. However, given that we both value communication and reflection, should you ever want to discuss it more, I would be open to that. I am not expecting a responce, but I wanted to open that door should it be helpful. Wishing you the best. "
His response was very cold. He said he had to honor his intuition, no amount of communication would have changed anything, and then he has to go with his gut. I never responded. He is not open to me at all. No niceties or anything.
I know to never reach out to him again and I'm doing everything I can not to look at his social media. But I am still so confused about what happened and why all the sudden all of his feelings went away. I know that I'm probably just affiliated with his feelings of unworthiness, but I blame myself for this. It was like his heart shut down. I know I should have never given advice that I wasn't asked for. But a gave great suggestions and feel totally heartbroken that this is what happened. Also it was a snap in the face because he had really stressed communication while we were dating and in the end he never had even one conversation with me about how we might fix it. It doesn't feel like this should be a dump able offense. New relationships have a bump or two. I had always given him lots of space, support and love.
Can you give me your thoughts on this? Why did he shut down, did I deserve it, why was he so cold and why did he never give me an actual reason?
